Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Painted Fingernails

The famous saying goes "it's the little things in life that count". Nothing could be more true for me right now. I went shopping last night and decided I needed to get some new fingernail polish. I didn't want to go with the traditional red or pink, however I couldn't go all the way to the black, green or midnight blue, so I settled with purple. A nice hue of lavender.

Let me recap. My mom's fingernails are like concrete blocks. They are almost in destructive. They grow beautifully, stay strong and require very little maintenance. My nails on the other hand are weak, brittle, flaky and a total mess most of the time. Even prenatal vitamins don't help. For me there is nothing that makes me feel more feminine (other than a new haircut) than nice, long, painted nails. I wore fake ones for a long time, but they just destroyed my real nails and end up looking like crap eventually anyway. So I have been sporting my short, stubby naked nails for the last couple of months.

Every time I looked down at my naked nails, I thought my hands looked fat and stubby, they didn't look feminine at all to me. I eventually just tried to stop looking at my nails because it made me feel frumpy, dumpy and bloated.

So last night I make it home with my new purple fingernail polish and decide to put in on. I started with one hand only so I could confirm that I liked the color and then a few minutes before I went to bed, I painted the other hand and did a second coat.

Then...I woke up this morning. As I was doing my hair and my make-up I caught the shiny purple color reflecting back in the mirror at me and I smiled. I looked down at my hands and my fingers looked longer and skinnier somehow, they looked feminine and I smiled. The purple hue made the diamonds in my wedding ring glisten as if it were brand new and I smiled.

I left for work this morning with a peace that the day was going to be ok, I was going to be ok and that this may actually be a good day. All because of my painted fingernails.

Sometimes, It really is the small things in life that count.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A shift

I had a pretty good weekend, nothing really major, hung out with some friends, helped my friends with their horses, played Rock.Band and of course watched football!

On Sunday Pace and I participated in a research study on the emotional and relational effects of infertility on individuals. This consisted of a woman coming to our house and interviewing each of us separately. The questions were pretty basic:

While you were going through treatment, do you think your emotional needs were met by your Dr/RE as well as your physical?
How has infertility affected your friendships/family relationships?
How has infertility changed you?
How has infertility changed your spouse?

It was actually very interesting and it was the most I had thought about and talked about our infertility since we decided to take a break. I did my interview first, and then it was Pace's turn. After we both did our interviews, the facilitator handed us an envelope with some cash in it to compensate us for our time. We tried to refuse, but when she told us it was the University's money and not hers, we decided to take it. LOL

When she left, Pace looked at me, handed me the envelope and said. "Let's start that baby fund." I literally broke down in tears and jumped in his arms. We are going to set up a separate account for treatment/adoption (whichever route we decide to go) so that friends and family can donate as well instead of purchasing Christmas/birthday gifts for us. I am SO excited ladies. It may be a very small step, but at least I know that he hasn't given up. That we WILL return to our quest to find a family, it is just a matter of when.

I am so excited that fall is here, the weather is starting to change, it is still dark out when I wake up in the morning now. I LOVE FALL!!! We don't get to see many seasons here in Arizona, so fall is a BIG thing for us! Plus it means that the dreadful heat is almost over!

This weekend I am attending an Christian women's conference with a friend of mine. I am very excited, I haven't attended one of these things for a very long time and I NEED TO BE FED! I have been starving myself long enough. I am so excited to experience the fellowship and GREAT music!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Mind/Body Connection

I went to the professionally led support group last Wednesday. It was AMAZING! The facilitator really knows her stuff and man there wasn't a dry eye in the room!

Her main focus is mind/body connection and really paying attention to what your body is telling you. She talked about psychosomatic tendencies and how these symptoms aren't just "made up" they are real. Your emotional state makes a HUGE difference on your physical state. No she was NOT saying JUST RELAX AND IT WILL HAPPEN, she was talking about being more in tune with your emotions so that your energies and blood flow can regain harmony, thus making your body physically healthier.

It made so much sense and it made me think about my appointment next week to start anti.depressants. Maybe I should give this mind/body thing a shot first. It totally makes sense, it won't be easy, but I am not one to look for the easy way out of things.

She took us through a guided meditation which TOTALLY relaxed me. I couldn't believe how incredibly at peace I felt. After meditating she asked us to really pay attention to our bodies for a moment and search for that place where we keep all of our emotions/pain/turmoil hidden in our bodies. She told us how important it is to let those emotions out and that keeping them stuffed inside only causes more stress, trouble and disease. She also emphasized how important it is to be honest with how you are feeling to friends and family. When you receive yet another pregnancy announcement, tell that person. "I really am happy for you and I wish I could express that to you right now, but I am going to need time. You see, I am really hurting right now and although this is a wondrous occasion for you, please understand that it is really difficult for me."

When the facilitator first said this, my initial reaction was "yeah right" I could NEVER tell my friends or family that. For multiple reasons.
1. I don't want to show the emotions to people because that leaves me vulnerable and at risk of being hurt by a stupid "be thankful for what you have, maybe you should just relax, why don't you just adopt.etc." kind of comment.
2. Who the hell am I to rain on my friend/family's parade when they are announcing something so joyous ?
3. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to fertility/children stuff.

That is when I realized...
1. If I am unable to show my friends my emotions and leave myself vulnerable to them and trust them, then what kind of friendships do I really have? Sure, I may get hurt, but that happens anyway, if I am engaging in an honest, open friendship with them, then I should find it easier to correct them and explain to them how much those "comments" really hurt.
2. Am I doing more damage by stuffing my emotions inside, putting on a fake smile and pretending to be happy for my friends rather than just being open and honest with them about how I am feeling? I think so. I had to take a step back and ask myself if I had a friend that was hurting, would I want her to stuff those feelings inside, put on a fake smile and then fall apart alone, behind the scenes? Absolutely NOT! I would want her to lean on me for support, so why do I think that my friends don't want to do the same for me?
3. I think people walk on eggshells around me now. So if I want different results, maybe I should try something new! If I am honest with people about how I am feeling, don't you think they would be less likely to be uneasy around me because they know I would be open and honest with them? They would not have to fear the "unknown" because there wouldn't be any "unknown".

It is a lot to take in, but very exhilarating as well. I had the baby shower for my dear friend last Saturday and I couldn't bring myself to go. Then she sent me an email stating that she was going to have a sleep-over with a couple of girlfriends and she wanted me to be there. I responded to her email and told her that as much as I wanted to be able to be there for her, I just couldn't right now. I was having a tough time and it would be much harder on me to be there, than for me not to be there. Guess what...Not only did she completely understand, she thanked me for being honest with her. many other people out there have I underestimated and just assumed they would be uncomfortable talking about my infertility, when in all reality, they wanted to be there as a support.

Food for thought!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Darn Infertility

Thank you all for your input on the questions of my last blog. I have done a lot of thinking over the last week and I think it is time for me to sort some things out.

I have a history of depression, but the last time I was medicated for it was 9 years ago. I think it is time again. I just need something to help me take the edge off and get my positive thinking back. I am tired of being sad and gloomy, I want to be my fun, crazy self again. (ok - I am still crazy, but not in the fun, happy sort of way, more like the manic, psychotic sort of way now) LOL

I am going to talk to my brother (our financial advisor and banker) about setting up a separate savings account for adoption. I know that we are not prepared to take that step "yet", but when we are prepared, I would like to have the money in place to do so. I can't stomach the thought of being emotionally and psychologically ready to move forward and then having to wait another 6 months to save up money. I am also thinking of getting a part time job (something I can do on the weekends or a couple evenings a week) to get a jump start to my adoption fund.

I am going to my first professionally-led infertility support group through RES.OLVE tonight. I am a regular member of the pee-led one, but think it is time to "step up the game" and I just want to see what a professional has to say. I will definitely update you all on how this goes.

I am feeling a lot of anger, a lot of bitterness and sadness still. I didn't go to my friends baby shower last weekend. I just couldn't do it (plus we had Pace's little sister all weekend). I am just not in a good place right now.

I have a question for you all on adoption. Whether you have gone through the home-study process or not, you can either give your opinion or your experience.

I was wondering what/if any repercussions I could expect if I am on anti.depressants while going through the adoption process. Obviously, if going on anti.depressants is going to hinder our ability to adopt in anyway, I will not do it. Do you all have any insight on this? By the way - I know it may disqualify us from international adoption (especially China) but we are looking at doing domestic infant adoption.

Thank you all! I hope you all are doing well

Friday, September 18, 2009

Support systems and friendships

I felt so much better after blogging the other day. I just needed to get some of that stuff off my chest and it reminded me so well why I started Blogging in the first place.

Sometimes you just can't talk to people about this infertility stuff. When I try talking to my girlfriends about infertility, they usually feel uncomfortable or they start asking 100 questions and the entire conversation ends up me educating them on infertility which isn't what I need sometimes. I am very grateful they want to learn and become familiar, but just once I would like to curl up in a friends arms and just cry and scream and yell about how unfair this is and how much this hurts. I just want her to hold my head, hand me a tissue and say "I know sweetie."

Don't get me wrong, I have WONDERFUL friends, I just don't know how to reach out to them when it comes to infertility. When the Dr. found my cyst a couple of months ago, I tried. It failed miserably. It was so uncomfortable talking to my friend, I wanted her to put her arm around me and comfort me like I did for her when her Grandpa passed away. I wanted her to let me cry on her shoulder, but sadly I guess our friendship just isn't that way. Now she is pregnant, so she is busy and I feel like it is SO awkward for her to be around me now, so she pretty much avoids me. (They got pregnant their first month of "not preventing)

I just wish I knew how to open up to others. I used to pour my heart out to Pace all the time and cry in his arms, but I realize now that I was making it so much harder for him. It broke his heart to see me so upset and so angry, I totally relied on him alone when we lost the baby and he is traumatized still to this day. He is terrified of trying again because he doesn't want to see me hurting like that ever again.

So - I am interested - do you ladies have friends that you can call and cry to? What kind of in-person (not over the Internet) support system do you have? If you have a girlfriend that you an cry to, how did you get to that point, or has your friendship always allowed for that?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


I am struggling friends. As I have previously mentioned, work is VERY stressful right now. Some days I just wish they would shut the damn doors so I could just move on. I hate this limbo crap of not knowing what the hell my future looks like. I guess after infertility I should be used to this feeling but darn it, I'm not.

My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.

I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.

I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.

I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.

So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.

Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.

Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.

So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)

I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

*Updated* Dana? Two Live Crew?

Hey Dana - emails from people are coming in through comments on this blog - not sure if you have seen them. I haven't gotten an email from you yet for the invite, so I just wanted to make sure you knew that the emails are coming in!

Hey hon - I wasn't sure how else to communicate with you as your blog appears to be "invite only" now. I tried to comment today, but something happened and my computer totally freaked out, so I was trying to log on again, but couldn't access your blog.

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your little one. I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow - I will be thinking of you!


Not in Kansas anymore (cont.) where did I leave off.
Pace and I headed home fairly early Friday night. Everyone was getting pretty drunk and silly, so it was time to go. :-)
We woke up Saturday morning to the most beautiful fog. You could hardly see anything. It was AWESOME! We enjoyed a nice breakfast with my parents and began to plan our day. Do you remember the Chicken Enchilada Delight I was jonesing for before I left? I GOT IT!!!

It was AWESOME! Even better than I remember because I was able to share it with Pace and my parents. After we had lunch, we went back to the farm and my dad had to go get the "Bad Boy" out of the garage. My parents have A LOT of grass to mow, so my dad recently got this awesome 72 inch blade riding lawn mower. He was just like a little boy at Christmas time! Pace of course had been eyeing the weed eater in the garage since we had arrived, so he took my dad mowing as an opportunity to get in and get dirty on the farm.
I went out and worked a little in my mom's flower beds picking weeds and trimming the bushes getting them ready for the winter. It was so nice. That is until Pace's allergies kicked in. LOL We all got dirty and spent some time enjoying the beautiful weather and each other's company. After the lawn was mowed, weeds were pulled (or cut down with the weed eater), and the wasp nests were destroyed (my mom is horribly allergic) we hit the showers to prepare for the dinner and dance for the reunion.
We got there just in time for dinner and I was very dissappointed to see that not many had changed since High School. The clicks were all the same and very few had changed or matured since we graduated. I hung out and caught up with those that I wanted and then after one adorable dance

We headed off to our friend James' house for a drink and some nice conversation.
Sunday morning my parents were kind enough to let us sluff church so we could catch up on some much needed ZZZZZZ's. After traveling for a day and staying up until 2 am two nights in a row...we were really in need of some good sleep. Mom and dad took us to breakfast and then back to the farm we went.
Pace couldn't wait to get out in the pasture and help my brother chop down some big, beautiful, but bothersome trees. So off they went on the bobcat with a chainsaw in hand. While they boys played with their toys I helped my mom make her famous fried chicken, mashed potatoes and chicken gravy. One of my all time favorite meals that my mom makes. Nobody makes chicken gravy like she does!
It was very bittersweet as our trip was coming to an end. I knew I wasn't ready to go home. After all of the pressure and stress I had been dealing with in AZ, it was so comforting to have my mom hold me, hug me and just love on me. I miss them so much. They aren't getting any younger and having to leave them was so difficult.
Here we are back in AZ, back in the heat, back to work and muddling our way through this short week and looking forward to the weekend. My nephew just started playing football, so we are headed off to see his game tomorrow night. I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON! Woo Hoo!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Not in Kansas anymore

I had such a wonderful time in KS. I was NOT ready to come home. I wanted to blog while at my parent's house because I didn't want to miss anything, but I just couldn't find the time so I will do my best to relive the trip for you!

We headed to the airport Thursday morning with VERY little time to spare. I like to have plenty of time when I get to the airport because you never know how long everything is going to take. Well, we were arriving at the airport with about an hour until our plane left. We still had to park the car, take the shuttle to the airport, check our bags, go through security and get to our gate. Needless to say, I was a little STRESSED! However, we got on the plane in just enough time and off we went.

We arrived in beautiful Denver a few hours later and got our rental car. Pace surprised me by renting the new Cam.aro. He said I needed to arrive to my reunion in style. LOL We started to drive to my parents and I felt instantly relaxed. The beautiful sunflower fields, the clouds and the rain. I felt like I was home. The drive went smoothly. We saw some crazy big birds, I have no idea what they were and a beautiful deer on the side of the road. We drove through some rain and I just couldn't wait to get home.

We arrived in the evening and were greeted in the driveway by the family dog, Bo. He is a beautiful golden retriever that has really helped my parents deal with "empty nest" syndrome. Seeing my mom and dad come out of the house to greet us was awesome! I miss them so much. We spent the evening visiting and made some plans to do some touring on Friday.

When we went up to bed, the windows were open and a wonderful cool breeze was blowing through the bedroom. I feel asleep to the cool night air and the sound of locusts buzzing in the trees. I was home.

Friday morning we loaded up in the car and headed out. We drove by some new land that my parents bought, a new wind farm that is going up by my parents house, and to Greensburg KS. If you don't know about Greensburg, it is a small town in KS that was almost completely wiped out by a huge tornado two years ago. They are rebuilding it now and are building it back "green". There is a show on Green TV all about rebuilding the town. My parents also drove us out to the new lake that they are building and also the new casino. This little town really is growing up! LOL

Friday evening was the first evening of planned activities for the reunion. I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up. We got to the bar and started mingling. The first hour was kind of rough, especially on Pace. He obviously didn't know anyone and I felt pretty bad. So, he called our friend James (James and I went to high school together, he lived in AZ for a little while where he met Pace and we all became very good friends) "Hi James"! (he reads my blogs too) :-)

For the rest of the night I think Pace and James were the life of the party. Everyone thought they were so funny and for the majority of the evening, I forgot about how awkward it was to be around all of these people from high school. As far as my classmates go, very few of them have changed. The clicks were all the same, it really felt like I was still in high school. Overall I am glad I went, but I enjoyed my time with my parents much more than the reunion itself.

This is getting way long, so I will write more about the weekend later!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Totally out of it

So... I have been a bad blogger and an even worse commenter. To be really sucks right now.

The company I have worked at for almost 9 years is folding. It is only a matter of time (like within a few months). They have laid off nearly half of the employees today, more to come this week and the rest of us are just waiting around to show up to work to find locked doors. It is awful. My dear sweet friend who just had surgery last week due to breast cancer is quite possibly going to be one of the employees to be laid off this week. I am just absolutely sick to my stomach. I can't imagine working without her. She was hired as my assistant to help with the daily office responsibilities and there is NO WAY I can do it all without her. Her husband was laid off 6 months ago, hasn't been able to find any work, she was just diagnosed with breast cancer last month, and now this.

I am so stressed, sad and just overall disgusted at the poor decisions the owners have made over the last 2 years (new owners came in 2 years ago) that has brought the company to where they are now.

I am so excited to leave on Thursday and just get away from all of the stress and frustration even if it is only for 5 days. It will be 5 days of spending life in a much more relaxed, slow pace out on the farm with my parents. MUCH NEEDED!

TTC hasn't even been an option lately. I haven't been keeping track of what day I am on, haven't been taking OPT, haven't even given it a second thought (to my husbands pleasure).

I am so sorry I have been a bad blogger. So many things are going on right now, I just haven't had the time or the energy to get online.

That is all for now. I probably won't write again until I get home from my 10 year reunion. I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Labor Day and thank you for continuing to read my blog even though I don't update you all as often as I should!

Big Hugs!