Wednesday, December 31, 2008


For those of you that aren't familiar, the Im.perial S.and D.unes in CA is a huge gathering place for the new year. Everyone brings out their quads, S.and R.ails, Buggies, d.irt b.ikes and more toys to enjoy endless amounts of sand, drinking and fun.

This is where we are headed today.

We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!

I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Survived Christmas

I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write here goes.

We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.

We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.

In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.

After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"

Me: "For What?"

Her: "You're pregnant!"

Me: " lost the baby"

Her: "Oh...when?"

Me: "In August."

Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"

Me: "A little over 6 weeks."

Her: "Oh, I am so just wasn't meant to be"

Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.

The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.

Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!

I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!

I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.

Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.

Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.

We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.

Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.

Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.

I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.


Breakdown #6

Friday, December 19, 2008

I heard you that time!

I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying about this trip back home to KS. Basically, I am most worried about me ending up spending the entire time throwing myself a pity party and being jealous of my two pregnant sisters.

This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!

A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT

Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.

Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.

Thank you


Thursday, December 18, 2008

S - Day...January 14th

The scheduling lady called me today and my surgery is officially set for January 14th at 10:00 am. I was a little peeved that it was on a MONDAY... now that means I have to take off at least 2 days of work, possibly even 3. That does not really make me very happy because my company is in the process of a huge change over and I really can't afford to miss work in January, but I don't want to put it off either.

I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."

So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.

My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).

Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.

Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.

God I hope I can pull this off.

Monday, December 15, 2008


I met with Dr. P today. Meeting with him was nice, but once again, the office staff was less than desirable. I had to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to be seen...HELLO???? Did I NOT make an appointment?

Anywho...he agrees that my symptoms are basically screaming endo. So, he has agreed to do the laparoscopy as well as a hysteroscopy. He wants to make sure I don't also have scarring inside the uterus etc, so that is the reason for both procedures. I am scared and excited. Honestly, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.

I did my Christmas baking yesterday and then went over to my sisters (the only one that isn't pregnant) to put up their Christmas tree and we also decorated the outside. They are so busy and they have been riddled with illnesses, injuries and car accidents over the last 2 weeks, so they haven't had the chance to decorate. We thought it would be a nice gesture and also fun to help them do that...and it was!

The weather looks a little hairy for driving to KS this weekend. Three different storm systems are coming through bringing lots of rain here and snow North of us along our path to KS. Hopefully the precipitation will either be minimal or will melt by the time we hit the road Saturday morning. My sister was talking about possibly not being able to make it home for Christmas and that made me sad. I know that being home with my two VERY pregnant sisters is going to be so hard, and I know that there will be plenty of tears shed, but the thought of going any longer without seeing my family made me very sad. So, now I am looking forward to it, I am going into it knowing that there will be challenges, and there will be some awkward moments, but I will get through them and I will have a good time in spite of myself!

I am stilling waiting to "O" doesn't look like it is going to happen this month. All well...maybe that is better, at least I don't have to worry about my Christmas being ruined by another BFN. This Christmas I won't have to worry about it - I can just relax and wait for AF. (if she comes).

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Alter Egos

My Friend Emily posted this and I thought it was cute...and not quite as heavy as my last post. I am working on another post, but so many thoughts are running through my mind right now, I need to wait to put them all together in a logical manner. Here is a fun light hearted one, hope you enjoy!

1. My rock star name: *Kujo Tundra*{First pet and current car}
2. My gangsta name: *Whatchamacallit no bake*{Favorite candy bar and favorite cookie}
3. My detective name: *Green cat*{Favorite color and favorite animal}
4. My Star Wars name: *Clini of Metformin *{First three letters of last name and first two letters of first name then the word "of" then a medication you are on}
5. My superhero name: *The Red Tea*{2nd favorite color and favorite drink with "The" in front}
6. My Nascar name: *Josephine Nadene*{First names of your grandmothers}
7. My "lover" name: *Curious Shock Tarts *{Name of your favorite perfume/cologne and your favorite candy}
8. Witness-protection name: *Ellen Raymond*{Mother's and father's middle names} favorite is Clini of Metformin. It's hilarious! Thanks for posting this was nice to do something fun and uplifting!

Hope you all are doing well - I am just waiting to "O" again. Have my consult on Monday with the surgeon. Good Times.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Greetings Earthlings

Pace and I just got home from a night out with friends. We don't go out often anymore, so tonight was a special treat. At least I thought it was going to be.

I have realized that I am not the person my husband fell in love with 6 years ago. OK...I have known for a while that he did not bargain for the whole infertility thing, but tonight I realized that it is way more than that.

I am depressed.

I get that some people have never experienced depression. I have. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager. I have been medicated for it in the past, and have thought about seeing a therapist recently, but to be honest. I don't want to.

It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's about squeezing one more damn dr. visit into my life and swallowing one more damn pill every day. I just don't think I can take it.

I have tried to fake happy, I have tried to pretend that all is hunky dorie and that life goes on blah blah blah, but for someone that is experiencing doesn't. I have anxiety attacks, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sad that I don't have a close girlfriend, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be close to me. I feel so isolated and alone even with all of the wonderful friends I have in real life as well as in cyberspace.

Pace has never experienced depression. I try to explain to him how I feel, how I feel so inadequate, how I feel fat and broken, how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING, how much I miss the baby that should still be in my belly right now. I try to explain to him how sad I am and how terrified I am to go home this year for Christmas and see my two VERY pregnant sisters. But he doesn't get it.

He has never experienced depression. He can roll with the punches and put on a happy face...always. He doesn't fight back tears when someone announces that they are pregnant, he doesn't feel like vomiting when he sees a pregnant woman, he doesn't look at my belly every day and think...she should be 21 weeks along right now. He doesn't think about those things....I do.

It is difficult for me to talk to him about how I am feeling because his answer is always "try being more optimistic." Think happy thoughts. Do you know how much I wish I COULD think happy thoughts?

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life right now, and I know that I am very blessed to have what I have, but I just feel so distant from everyone else. I feel like I am from some foreign planet, I have landed here on Earth and am trying to fit in the best way I can without anyone noticing me.

I am not doing a very good job. I wish I could go back 6 years to my partying days when Pace and I's relationship was fresh and new. WhenI wanted to party and I laughed, and was happy, and wanted to meet new people, and we had SO much fun together and we lived life to its fullest. That is the person he feel in love with...and here he is 6 years later...with me, a totally

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The talks

The talk with Pace - went very well. Of course it did, he was amazingly supportive and I think it really got to him a little bit. I guess no one likes the idea of someone they love having to have surgery. We are both tired. We have decided to start requesting information packets from adoption agencies and at least start the paperwork. We are going to take our time on this though because 1. we don't have the money for adoption and 2. it feels like I am giving up on my body - and I am not ready to do that.

The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.

When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.

This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.

So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.

The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?

Monday, December 01, 2008

I'm pulling the trigger...

For the last 6 months or so, I have been experiencing very common symptoms of endometriosis. I am not going to go into details on exactly what those symptoms are because some of you I know in real life and even after all of this infertility crap, I still have a little bit of pride left.

However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.

I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.

After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.

For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.

The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.

Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.

I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.