Saturday, December 06, 2008

Greetings Earthlings

Pace and I just got home from a night out with friends. We don't go out often anymore, so tonight was a special treat. At least I thought it was going to be.

I have realized that I am not the person my husband fell in love with 6 years ago. OK...I have known for a while that he did not bargain for the whole infertility thing, but tonight I realized that it is way more than that.

I am depressed.

I get that some people have never experienced depression. I have. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager. I have been medicated for it in the past, and have thought about seeing a therapist recently, but to be honest. I don't want to.

It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's about squeezing one more damn dr. visit into my life and swallowing one more damn pill every day. I just don't think I can take it.

I have tried to fake happy, I have tried to pretend that all is hunky dorie and that life goes on blah blah blah, but for someone that is experiencing doesn't. I have anxiety attacks, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sad that I don't have a close girlfriend, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be close to me. I feel so isolated and alone even with all of the wonderful friends I have in real life as well as in cyberspace.

Pace has never experienced depression. I try to explain to him how I feel, how I feel so inadequate, how I feel fat and broken, how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING, how much I miss the baby that should still be in my belly right now. I try to explain to him how sad I am and how terrified I am to go home this year for Christmas and see my two VERY pregnant sisters. But he doesn't get it.

He has never experienced depression. He can roll with the punches and put on a happy face...always. He doesn't fight back tears when someone announces that they are pregnant, he doesn't feel like vomiting when he sees a pregnant woman, he doesn't look at my belly every day and think...she should be 21 weeks along right now. He doesn't think about those things....I do.

It is difficult for me to talk to him about how I am feeling because his answer is always "try being more optimistic." Think happy thoughts. Do you know how much I wish I COULD think happy thoughts?

Don't get me wrong, I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life right now, and I know that I am very blessed to have what I have, but I just feel so distant from everyone else. I feel like I am from some foreign planet, I have landed here on Earth and am trying to fit in the best way I can without anyone noticing me.

I am not doing a very good job. I wish I could go back 6 years to my partying days when Pace and I's relationship was fresh and new. WhenI wanted to party and I laughed, and was happy, and wanted to meet new people, and we had SO much fun together and we lived life to its fullest. That is the person he feel in love with...and here he is 6 years later...with me, a totally


LJ said...

I know the feeling, going back through all my old posts, I remember those darkest days. I too have struggled with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. You're doing the best you can with what you have at the moment. *hug*

Hope said...

I'm not all that versed on depression, but I've definately felt most of the feelings you are describing and have not come up with the answer on how to get my old happy self back. So I try to distract myself but the feeling of hopeless sadness is always there. It may not be something you can fix yourself, you may need a professional's help. I say that but I too am resistent to seek out a professional. I've also thought about support groups where you actually meet, but I'm not sure how to go about finding one. I'm not religious, but maybe that could also be an avenue to feeling better. And writing it down, such as in a blog also really helps, so remember you have your online support group! Sending you a hug!

I Believe in Miracles said...

that title rocks.

did the meds help? would they interfere with the ttc? because if not, that might be a short way to address the issue. although i don't quite understand depression, i've had several friends who were and it's very scary.

i'm thinking about you.


Angelwingsbaby said...

I have friends that struggle with depression and also loved ones.I have seen first hand how difficult it can be on a relationship.Just know that I am here for you.

Amy said...

Hi. I came across your blog one night through a friend of a freind, etc. It is all to familiar. One of my sisters is about to give birth this week and my other sister will give birth in a month. My husband and I are struggling with IF also. It is awful that we have to go through this. I also struggled through depression but have found a way through it. Zoloft. Just a small dose but it really helps take the edge off. My OB/GYN said it is safe. Please email me if you want to talk. Amy