Wednesday, December 03, 2008

The talks

The talk with Pace - went very well. Of course it did, he was amazingly supportive and I think it really got to him a little bit. I guess no one likes the idea of someone they love having to have surgery. We are both tired. We have decided to start requesting information packets from adoption agencies and at least start the paperwork. We are going to take our time on this though because 1. we don't have the money for adoption and 2. it feels like I am giving up on my body - and I am not ready to do that.

The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.

When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.

This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.

So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.

The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?


Dreamer4agift said...

Is there someone you can talk to about making it where you don't have to have that nurse anymore? It's really not needed to stress you out and upset you more by some stupid nurse.

I'm glad you are still keeping the lines of communication open with Pace. You can still proceed with adoption stuff AND work on your body as well. You don't have to give up.

As far as talking to God...just be honest. If you're tired of talking and not feeling heard, tell him that. If you can't find any words to say, tell him that. He can handle it, Nicole, He's big enough for it all. I've had many times where there were no words to speak, so I said nothing. You will find answers, honey, and you're in my prayers.

Hope2morrow said...

I'm so glad you are talking about all this with yourself, with Pace, with your doctor,with us, and with God.

Since you were so great about discussing things with your doctor, why don't you tell her the concerns you have with her staff? It's a huge compliment to her that you do not want to leave because you liker HER so much. And what if your comment is the last one she needs to get rid of that nurse becaus she has had othe complaints? You could be very diplomatic about it. Or maybe that nurse is going through infertility herself. Not sure- just trying to give you a new perspetive!

You're doing great. Just keep talking things out, and you'll feel much better!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I agree with Hope2morrow - I'd suggest telling the dr about her staff and letting her know you love her, but not so much the people that she works with.

Do you know how many times I've screamed at God? How I've stood there crying and asking him what on earth is going on? Not just with the IF stuff, but over the Y~E~A~R~S. He's big enough. He can take it. In fact, he knows it's coming. And yet he comforts me, loves me, and cares for me. If you look in the OT, you'll see tons of characters who felt like God was silent.

I'll be praying for you.


Nikki said...

I'm glad all your talks went well.

I agree with the others - maybe talking to the doctor about the staff may help?

Good luck with your next appointment on the 15th!

Dana said...

That nurse makes me so mad. I am sorry you have to deal with ppl like her. I agree with starting the adoption process, we are doing the same. I feel like it will help me focus on something else for once. And with me He hears you. I think listening to Him is a great idea. I need to do more of that. I will pray for God to give you guidance and reassurance. Sending you Hugs and Loves ya!

Anonymous said...

A Note from GOD... Nichole, I'm right here. You are my precious daughter and my heart aches as your heart aches. My dear, dear child. My time is mysterious but remember- I have your best interest in mind. I am watching over your little one and I am watching over you. You don't realize it but you are a strong strong woman. I never give any of my children any more than they can handle. I am here beside you, I know you are tired and I am carrying you. Look around, see the beauty that is around you. I have a plan, it's a wonderful plan. I have left my word for you to drown yourself in... please my dear child, read my letters to you and know that I am here. Draw close to me and reach out to me when you are lonely. I am here, I am listening and I want to ease your pain. Please remember that "I" alone know what's best for you. My arms are around you, holding you and protecting you. Be still and know that I am God and you are my beloved child.
Your Father In Heaven