Friday, December 26, 2008

Survived Christmas

I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write here goes.

We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.

We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.

In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.

After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"

Me: "For What?"

Her: "You're pregnant!"

Me: " lost the baby"

Her: "Oh...when?"

Me: "In August."

Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"

Me: "A little over 6 weeks."

Her: "Oh, I am so just wasn't meant to be"

Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.

The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.

Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!

I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!

I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.

Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.

Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.

We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.

Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.

Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.

I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.


Breakdown #6


Dreamer4agift said...


(can I give you some tough love as a friend who's been there and dealt with very similar emotions...even as recently as a few mths ago?...God isn't doing this to you. He isn't causing you to have bad things happen to you. I know you know this deep down. He's not doing things to you to make you hurt. He loves you and wants you to be blessed. Even though we don't understand his plan.)

Hang in there, Nicole. ((hugs))

Dave and Elaine said...

Hi...I just came across your blog today and read how you are new to the Christian faith. I want to encourage you by saying God loves you and you CAN trust Him.
I'm going through infertility too. Not as long as you. I had endometriosis & we were praying that conception would happen naturally by the end of this year. It did not happen. But I can tell you I stand firm in my faith in Jesus Christ, knowing He has a plan and purpose for my life. Jeremiah 29:11 - my favorite verse in the Bible right now.
I say all this to plead with you to cling to God in this time of hurt and extreme pain. And it is okay to be angry at God! You can scream & be angry and mad at God. But then, you must put that anger aside and trust Him.
I've had three failed IUI's and I'm sure you can imagine the pain I felt when I heard the word negative three times in a row. I screamed. I cried. I was angry at God.
But then you have to just put all that aside and CHOOSE TO TRUST GOD BECAUSE HE IS FAITHFUL!!!
Cling to Him and you will make it through infertility. I'm not saying by trusting Him He WILL give you biological children. But He will make His perfect plan known to you and you will be blown away!
Keep up the faith - it is your lifeline. I'm praying for you today.

Nikki said...

Nichole - I'm sorry everything was so tough. You're a brave girl for having had the courage to go in the first place. I'm proud of you for doing what I know for a fact I would not have done.

Wishing you a much better 2009 - I hope the new year brings answers to all our questions and brings to life all our dreams.


babydust81 said...

HI Nicole - I am sorry it has not been an easy Christmas for you. Sometimes things are not as easy to understand. I have question things at times too but at the end of the day when you are more calm and at ease, the answers will somehow come by itself.

I have this saying that I like very much:

"Faith is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It's the certainty that what we hope for, God has waiting for us up ahead even though we cannot see it." - Hebrew1 1:1

noswimmers said...

Arrrgh...I'm so sorry. That must have been incredibly difficult for you. Sending hugs and warmth your way.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I am so sorry my dear. I knew Christmas would be rough with your sisters, and I'm proud to say you handled it the best you could. I'm proud of you.

But I do want to make sure you know something. God doesn't cause bad things to happen. Satan makes those happen. God uses the bad things to make us realize our need for him. To see his grace and his love for us. And He does love you. More than you or I can ever imagine.

I'm praying for you, friend.