Monday, December 01, 2008

I'm pulling the trigger...

For the last 6 months or so, I have been experiencing very common symptoms of endometriosis. I am not going to go into details on exactly what those symptoms are because some of you I know in real life and even after all of this infertility crap, I still have a little bit of pride left.

However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.

I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.

After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.

For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.

The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.

Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.

I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.


I Believe in Miracles said...

Oh sweetie. That's so hard. I have "self diagnosed" everything that was wrong with me, and yet at each stage I was proven wrong. I'm hoping that you might be too...

But regardless, we are all broken. That's why we need Jesus. Recognizing brokenness is huge. Admitting weakness is hard. I pray that Jesus will pick you up and carry you through your conversation with Pace, your dr apts, and possible surgery.


Nikki said...

I'm sorry sweetie.

However, I do believe that sometimes we have to take our own health into our hands and question the doctors if we have a doubt of any kind.

I hope all goes smoothly. I will pray for you and your well being.

Take care.

Dreamer4agift said...

I have had that similar feeling of being afraid that Will is gonna wake up one day and realize how broken I've truly been. But, just like everything else, you can get through it all. You can do it, Nicole. I get it that you want to give up, but you can't, not now. Lean on Pace, lean on God, lean on us, whatever you need. The endo sucks, talking from personal experience. But, it's not something you can't survive. It's just another crappy obstacle that totally sucks a$$ right now (just like the PCOS).

Hang on, honey. I'm praying strength to find you soon. ((hugs))

Angelwingsbaby said...

Oh hun let me know if I can be there for you in anyway.I have been dealing with endo for about 10 years now.At least that is when it was diagnosed.They say I probably had it longer than that.Take care,hugs