I have no words
Correct that...
I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.
I just can't put them together to make any sense.
So that is all the blog I have.
Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
2010 YOU SUCK!!!!!!
I have no idea what to title this post. My mind is fuzzy. My heart is broken. I am pissed and confused. So I will write the post and figure out a title later.
A week and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. Yeah - you read that right. Pregnant. Naturally. An "oops" pregnancy after 5 years of infertility. We were excited, and scared, and overjoyed. We had decided after our last miscarriage that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew for sure that there was a good chance of survival. I have a friend that works for a clinic and she does ultrasounds, so I called her immediately and she had us come in for an ultrasound. We didn't really get a good look at the baby (thank you tilted uterus), but we were able to catch the heartbeat. Since I hadn't had a period in 5 months, we had no idea how far along we were, but she said that since we were able to detect a heartbeat, we were at least 6 weeks along.
Last week went great. I had morning sickness, headaches, sore bb's, weird cravings and food aversions. All of the symptoms of a wonderful, healthy pregnancy. We were getting more and more excited. I scheduled an appt. with my OB/GYN (the one that I despise, but they could get me in very quickly) last Tuesday. They confirmed the pg, did the first set of bloodwork and scheduled an u/s to get our due date for today. I practically had to beg the OB to take my progesterone levels. She said that she really didn't think they mattered because she doesn't believe in progesterone therapy to "salvage" a pregnancy. She said she would take the levels but I would not be able to get the results until today.
I went ahead and purchased progesterone cream and started applying that just for my own peace of mind. Last Saturday morning I woke up with some cramping. We saw my friend who did another u/s and this time we got a wonderful view of the baby (which looked more like an alien) and the strong heartbeat. About 3 hours after the u/s, I was still cramping fairly heavy and I started bleeding a little bit. I freaked out and called our RE. (DON'T ASK ME WHY I DIDN'T DO THIS ON DAY ONE...I GUESS I WAS IN SHOCK AND WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS "MIRACLE" WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ON IT'S OWN) Idiot...
Anyway, the RE told me to start taking 200mg of Prom.etrium daily which I started immediately. It was too late. Both the pregnancy test I took this morning and the empty wasteland of a uterus that was shown on the u/s proved that the baby is gone.
When the dr. told me that my progesterone level last week was 6.2 I almost socked her in the face. NO ONE CALLED ME??? DIDN'T THAT ALERT ANYONE THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON? (Just so you know your progesterone level is supposed to be somewhere between 11 and 40 in your first trimester.)
I am devastated yes...Pace is working out of town this week, so I am home alone with my dogs and I am pissed off. I had put the pregnancy thing behind me, I was moving full steam ahead with adoption and I was happy there - why in the hell did this have to happen NOW?
2010 - you SUCK...and that my friends will be the title of this post.
A week and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. Yeah - you read that right. Pregnant. Naturally. An "oops" pregnancy after 5 years of infertility. We were excited, and scared, and overjoyed. We had decided after our last miscarriage that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew for sure that there was a good chance of survival. I have a friend that works for a clinic and she does ultrasounds, so I called her immediately and she had us come in for an ultrasound. We didn't really get a good look at the baby (thank you tilted uterus), but we were able to catch the heartbeat. Since I hadn't had a period in 5 months, we had no idea how far along we were, but she said that since we were able to detect a heartbeat, we were at least 6 weeks along.
Last week went great. I had morning sickness, headaches, sore bb's, weird cravings and food aversions. All of the symptoms of a wonderful, healthy pregnancy. We were getting more and more excited. I scheduled an appt. with my OB/GYN (the one that I despise, but they could get me in very quickly) last Tuesday. They confirmed the pg, did the first set of bloodwork and scheduled an u/s to get our due date for today. I practically had to beg the OB to take my progesterone levels. She said that she really didn't think they mattered because she doesn't believe in progesterone therapy to "salvage" a pregnancy. She said she would take the levels but I would not be able to get the results until today.
I went ahead and purchased progesterone cream and started applying that just for my own peace of mind. Last Saturday morning I woke up with some cramping. We saw my friend who did another u/s and this time we got a wonderful view of the baby (which looked more like an alien) and the strong heartbeat. About 3 hours after the u/s, I was still cramping fairly heavy and I started bleeding a little bit. I freaked out and called our RE. (DON'T ASK ME WHY I DIDN'T DO THIS ON DAY ONE...I GUESS I WAS IN SHOCK AND WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS "MIRACLE" WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ON IT'S OWN) Idiot...
Anyway, the RE told me to start taking 200mg of Prom.etrium daily which I started immediately. It was too late. Both the pregnancy test I took this morning and the empty wasteland of a uterus that was shown on the u/s proved that the baby is gone.
When the dr. told me that my progesterone level last week was 6.2 I almost socked her in the face. NO ONE CALLED ME??? DIDN'T THAT ALERT ANYONE THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON? (Just so you know your progesterone level is supposed to be somewhere between 11 and 40 in your first trimester.)
I am devastated yes...Pace is working out of town this week, so I am home alone with my dogs and I am pissed off. I had put the pregnancy thing behind me, I was moving full steam ahead with adoption and I was happy there - why in the hell did this have to happen NOW?
2010 - you SUCK...and that my friends will be the title of this post.
Monday, January 18, 2010
That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more...
I had a very good weekend - it went VERY fast, but it was good. Friday night we watched the movie "The Hu.rt Loc.ker" it is a movie about the Iraq war and it is AWESOME!!! I highly recommend it. I do not like war movies AT ALL, but this one was very good.
Saturday I literally cleaned (both for the baby shower and our home study) all day. I was exhausted, but felt very accomplished.
Yesterday was the baby shower. It went really well and I did really well. I stepped outside during the gift opening (I saw her open 2 or 3 and then stepped outside) The shower was a HUGE hit. Everyone really enjoyed themselves and my friend's mom even said that this was the nicest baby shower she had ever been to! That made me feel really good.
We outed ourselves to most of our friends and family over the weekend. Most of them know that we are adopting now and for the most part, we have received very warm congratulations.
The message in church yesterday was just amazing. Throughout the entire service Pace and I kept looking at each other saying "omg, that is SO us!" The pastor was talking about how everyone has something in their life they don't like. He used the story of David and Goliath as an example. David didn't like that the giant was defying his God. In our lives, it could be a relationship, finances, health, career, etc., we all have something in our lives that we would like to change. For Pace and I it is not having children. The pastor shared with us that there are steps you have to take to make that change happen.
1. Admit that facing the "giant" is scary. IF is scary, treatments are scary, doctors are scary, adoption is scary, childlessness is scary...it is all scary.
2. Acknowledge that doing nothing will never change your life. If we sit back and do nothing, it won't change whether or not we have children. We have to act. Our previous actions have been treatment, or future actions will be adoption.
3. Embrace your inner Pop.eye. In the Pop.eye cartoon, it is the same theme every time. It is Pop.eye getting beaten up by Bl.uto (something in Pop.eye's life that he doesn't like) and finally he says "That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more." Then he eats the spinach, morphs into a body builder and beats the tar out of Bl.uto. That is the moment when Pace and I looked at each other. That is EXACTLY where we are with IF treatments. We just got to the point where we decided that is all we could stand and we couldn't stand anymore.
4. Take a personal inventory. This is the stage we are at right now. Sorting through the emotions and figuring out what we can /cannot accept.
5. Play to your strengths. My strengths include artsy fartsy stuff, so I have taken the challenge of writing our very own baby book for our child. There aren't a lot of "comprehensive" baby books out there for adoption. There are a few out there, but many of them leave out some of the important milestones (in my opinion) and they are expensive. So I am writing my own. This project will help me deal with the anxiety and the wait time. It will allow me a creative outlet which is very important for my mental health.
6. Clarify your plan of attack. So far our plan of attack consists of completing the home study and then figure out if we are going through an agency (and if so, which one) or an adoption attorney. There are many other decisions that need to be made, but that is where we are right now.
7. Ask for God's help. Obviously we have done this, continue to do this and will continue to do this for the rest of our lives.
8. Just do it. David approached Goliath quickly, took out the stone, loaded his sling and let it fly taking Goliath to the ground. He then took Goliath's sword and defeated him. You have to make the decision to go for it and then act upon it.
Thank you Lord for your constant reminders that we are following your plan. Being wrapped in the comfort of your care has made me happier than I ever could have imagined.
Saturday I literally cleaned (both for the baby shower and our home study) all day. I was exhausted, but felt very accomplished.
Yesterday was the baby shower. It went really well and I did really well. I stepped outside during the gift opening (I saw her open 2 or 3 and then stepped outside) The shower was a HUGE hit. Everyone really enjoyed themselves and my friend's mom even said that this was the nicest baby shower she had ever been to! That made me feel really good.
We outed ourselves to most of our friends and family over the weekend. Most of them know that we are adopting now and for the most part, we have received very warm congratulations.
The message in church yesterday was just amazing. Throughout the entire service Pace and I kept looking at each other saying "omg, that is SO us!" The pastor was talking about how everyone has something in their life they don't like. He used the story of David and Goliath as an example. David didn't like that the giant was defying his God. In our lives, it could be a relationship, finances, health, career, etc., we all have something in our lives that we would like to change. For Pace and I it is not having children. The pastor shared with us that there are steps you have to take to make that change happen.
1. Admit that facing the "giant" is scary. IF is scary, treatments are scary, doctors are scary, adoption is scary, childlessness is scary...it is all scary.
2. Acknowledge that doing nothing will never change your life. If we sit back and do nothing, it won't change whether or not we have children. We have to act. Our previous actions have been treatment, or future actions will be adoption.
3. Embrace your inner Pop.eye. In the Pop.eye cartoon, it is the same theme every time. It is Pop.eye getting beaten up by Bl.uto (something in Pop.eye's life that he doesn't like) and finally he says "That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more." Then he eats the spinach, morphs into a body builder and beats the tar out of Bl.uto. That is the moment when Pace and I looked at each other. That is EXACTLY where we are with IF treatments. We just got to the point where we decided that is all we could stand and we couldn't stand anymore.
4. Take a personal inventory. This is the stage we are at right now. Sorting through the emotions and figuring out what we can /cannot accept.
5. Play to your strengths. My strengths include artsy fartsy stuff, so I have taken the challenge of writing our very own baby book for our child. There aren't a lot of "comprehensive" baby books out there for adoption. There are a few out there, but many of them leave out some of the important milestones (in my opinion) and they are expensive. So I am writing my own. This project will help me deal with the anxiety and the wait time. It will allow me a creative outlet which is very important for my mental health.
6. Clarify your plan of attack. So far our plan of attack consists of completing the home study and then figure out if we are going through an agency (and if so, which one) or an adoption attorney. There are many other decisions that need to be made, but that is where we are right now.
7. Ask for God's help. Obviously we have done this, continue to do this and will continue to do this for the rest of our lives.
8. Just do it. David approached Goliath quickly, took out the stone, loaded his sling and let it fly taking Goliath to the ground. He then took Goliath's sword and defeated him. You have to make the decision to go for it and then act upon it.
Thank you Lord for your constant reminders that we are following your plan. Being wrapped in the comfort of your care has made me happier than I ever could have imagined.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
A very low post
My blogger friends, I need to be lifted up today. I am struggling, I am stressed and I am hurting.
This time, only a small amount of that is related to IF. To break it all down in a very short but sweet way, I am losing my job. The company that I work for is going out of business. There is an 85% chance my company will not survive the next 3 months. I have worked for this company for 9 years. These people are my family, they are my friends. This job has meant financial security for us while Pace is building his career and that is all being stripped away from us.
Right when we were ready to jump back in the treatment or adoption wagon. So that is now put on hold which devastates me. I have always been a firm believer that you can't put stuff off because you never know what the future will bring. So now after an over 6 month break of TTC, we are ready to start trying again and now we have no money or financial security to do it.
I am sad, but really just kind of numb. I thought that winning the home study was a sign of what 2010 was going to bring. Now, I am not so sure. I am trying to not be all doom and gloom, I am looking for work, I am sending out my resume in hopes of finding something as good if not better. However, I am a realist and I know what the job market is here.
On top of all of that my mother in law has fallen on some very hard times right now and Pace is the only relation she has near her, so we are preparing ourselves for having to take some financial responsibility over her and her 4 year old daughter. (like them possibly having to move in with us) They have lived with us before and all I can say is it was very difficult.
All of these things have been very tough on our marriage, finances, TTC, family issues I just feel incredibly down right now. I try to be a good person, I try to be a good friend, daughter, wife and sister, so I don't understand why God continues to test me. Over and over and over again I feel like a crash test dummy that continues to be put in the car and slammed into a brick wall.
I just need a break. I want to run home to my mom and dad and have them tell me that everything is going to be ok. I want to stay with them for a while and just feel the comfort and security of being home.
This time, only a small amount of that is related to IF. To break it all down in a very short but sweet way, I am losing my job. The company that I work for is going out of business. There is an 85% chance my company will not survive the next 3 months. I have worked for this company for 9 years. These people are my family, they are my friends. This job has meant financial security for us while Pace is building his career and that is all being stripped away from us.
Right when we were ready to jump back in the treatment or adoption wagon. So that is now put on hold which devastates me. I have always been a firm believer that you can't put stuff off because you never know what the future will bring. So now after an over 6 month break of TTC, we are ready to start trying again and now we have no money or financial security to do it.
I am sad, but really just kind of numb. I thought that winning the home study was a sign of what 2010 was going to bring. Now, I am not so sure. I am trying to not be all doom and gloom, I am looking for work, I am sending out my resume in hopes of finding something as good if not better. However, I am a realist and I know what the job market is here.
On top of all of that my mother in law has fallen on some very hard times right now and Pace is the only relation she has near her, so we are preparing ourselves for having to take some financial responsibility over her and her 4 year old daughter. (like them possibly having to move in with us) They have lived with us before and all I can say is it was very difficult.
All of these things have been very tough on our marriage, finances, TTC, family issues I just feel incredibly down right now. I try to be a good person, I try to be a good friend, daughter, wife and sister, so I don't understand why God continues to test me. Over and over and over again I feel like a crash test dummy that continues to be put in the car and slammed into a brick wall.
I just need a break. I want to run home to my mom and dad and have them tell me that everything is going to be ok. I want to stay with them for a while and just feel the comfort and security of being home.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
It is what it is...
My husband says that all the time and honestly sometimes it really irritates the crap out of me. It seems like a scapegoat, a cop-out, but this morning as I was getting ready for work, I was struck with an entirely different perspective.
Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.
I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.
It is what it is.
And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.
I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.
I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!
Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.
God Bless!
Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.
I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.
It is what it is.
And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.
I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.
I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!
Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.
God Bless!
Monday, May 18, 2009
I need a new attitude (as sung by Patti LaBelle)
I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL
It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)
We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.
Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.
I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.
I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.
The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.
We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.
So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.
It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)
We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.
Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.
I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.
I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.
The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.
We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.
So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Silent One
I am writing this blog as a response to a comment I received today on my blog. I don't believe I have ever gotten a comment from this person before and she put a lot of information that I feel the need to respond to in her comment. So - The Silent One, I hope you read this and that you will get a better grasp on who I am and what this blog is about after reading this post.
I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.
Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.
I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.
God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.
remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.
I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.
Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.
PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.
You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.
ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.
I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.
it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.
I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.
Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.
I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!
Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!
I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.
Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.
I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.
God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.
remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.
I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.
Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.
PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.
You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.
ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.
I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.
it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.
I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.
Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.
I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!
Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Four Years
Today marks 4 years of marriage to my husband. We have been through so much in the last 4 years, but I looked at him this morning and felt closer to him than I ever have.
We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.
Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.
Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.
*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.
My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!
Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!
Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!
We are watching his little sister (she's 3) this week while her mom is out of town at work. Last night I was at the kitchen table working on signs for our church's 4th Annual Car Show (kind of ironic isn't it?) that is this weekend. I had his sister next to me coloring on her own paper and Pace came in, sat beside her and colored with her for about a half an hour. He didn't just color with her, he took time to teach her how to draw shapes and then color them in while staying within the lines. They drew circles, squares, triangles and rectangles. I watched them for a while and admired him for his patience and I got a glimpse of what a wonderful father he is going to be. And I fell in love even more.
Later in the evening he read her a bedtime story and tucked her in. And I fell in love even more.
Today is so bitter sweet. I have cried off and on for a multitude of reasons.
*I have cried tears of joy. Joy for how far Pace and I have come and the wonderful marriage that we have. I thank God for the wonderful man he brought into my life. He is not only my husband, he is my partner and my best friend.
*I have cried tears of frustration. I spoke to God this morning. Something I haven't really done since my miscarriage. I told Him that I wasn't mad at Him but that I felt like I was broken. I was confused and I wasn't sure who to turn to. I told Him that I felt like He had let me down and that the miscarriage was a cruel thing to do. I told Him that I was weary and I did not know what He wanted me to do or where He wanted me to go. Then I told Him that I trust Him. I love Him and I know that He loves me. I told Him that I wanted to return to church, but that I needed His help. I need comfort and I need to know that if I break down and cry the entire service, then that is ok.
*I have cried tears of sadness. Sadness for the baby that should still be in my belly but instead is tattooed on my back. The baby that we should be decorating a nursery for right now, and scheduling baby showers for and that we should be able to feel kicking in my belly. The baby that we so dearly loved, that we waited so long for and that we continue to grieve for. How different today would be if I was still pregnant. How different everything would be.
My friends and co-worker loaned me a book last week called "Sisterchicks" by an author I have never heard of and honestly, I couldn't tell you her name now. I love reading, and I was excited to have a new read. This book has totally surprised me! The book if obviously written by a Christian woman, there are bible verses quoted in it and really tells the story of two women who go off to Finland with no real plans, only to rely on God and what he provides for them. Boy does He provide. This book has really watered that seed inside me that yearns for that relationship I used to have with Him. It is an EXCELLENT book! My friend that loaned it to me does not attend church. She believes that God and Jesus exist, but her "faith" pretty much stops there. I can't wait for her to read this book and give me her feedback - maybe it will water the seed in her as well!
Overall I am in a good space today. I am at work (obviously not working teehee) and can not wait to spend the evening with my dear, sweet husband and his beautiful little sister!
Bec - I wanted to shout out to you and thank you so much for your comment. It is amazing how we live on opposite sides of the world, but I feel that you get me and more times than not, your comments bring tears to my eyes. Thank you my friend for being so good to me!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Survived Christmas
I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write about...so here goes.
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
The talks
The talk with Pace - went very well. Of course it did, he was amazingly supportive and I think it really got to him a little bit. I guess no one likes the idea of someone they love having to have surgery. We are both tired. We have decided to start requesting information packets from adoption agencies and at least start the paperwork. We are going to take our time on this though because 1. we don't have the money for adoption and 2. it feels like I am giving up on my body - and I am not ready to do that.
The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.
When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my chart...you would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.
This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.
So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.
The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?
The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.
When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my chart...you would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.
This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.
So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.
The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Whew....I'm glad that's over!
Two days without taking Clo.mid and I am beginning to feel better. This was by far the worse month I have had on the stuff! I was actually seeing lights flashing out of my peripheral vision and everything....VERY bizarre! Hopefully this month will work and I won't ever have to take that nasty stuff again!
Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.
October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!
I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.
I had a wonderful talk with Pace last week about how I was feeling. I told him about the anxiety, the nightmares, the insecurities...I told him everything. I just cried and cried and he just listened and held me and loved me. He reassured me that everything was going to be ok and that we were going to get through this, someway...somehow.
I went back to church on Sunday. It was so hard. At first I was really grateful and excited because where we sat there were no infants or pregnant women around...which is very rare in my fertile myrtle church. I thought God was giving me a break and cutting me some slack. Until praise and worship started. They sang a song about virgin Mary carrying Jesus in her womb and had a pregnant woman dancing to the song on stage. I wanted to puke. Literally. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I checked out after that. I didn't listen to the sermon, I just concentrated on breathing evenly and trying to quit crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to go into a full blown panic attack in the middle of church.
However, I did pick up my bible this morning before work which is something I have not done since my miscarriage and I listened to my Christian CD this morning on my way to work, so I am making progress. I am still mad...but not quite as mad.Things between Pace and I have been amazing since our talk last week. I feel like we just started dating all over again. That talk and me being totally emotionally vulnerable to him was a huge trust builder and it was great for our relationship. He honestly is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him.
October 15th 2008 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Please light a candle for those who have lost a child and spread the word. There is a group that is doing a "Remembrance Walk" on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do it. It will be a great way to meet other angel moms too!
I am currently on CD14 and am on ovulation watch. I still am not sure if I am ready for this...but here goes nothing.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
What the Frick and Frack?
Per my last post, I emailed my Dr. to see if I should start taking Prov.era to bring on AF. I was hoping that she would say "yes...absolutely start the Pro.vera" However, that is not what she said. She told me to wait a couple more weeks and if AF hadn't shown by then, to give her a call. This just pissed me off.
I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?
So here I sit on CD42.
Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?
So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.
Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????
My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?
I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).
So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.
**Sigh**
I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?
So here I sit on CD42.
Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?
So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.
Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????
My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?
I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).
So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.
**Sigh**
Friday, September 19, 2008
Bible Study
I am attending my first bible study tonight since the pregnancy and miscarriage. I am terrified. I am already an emotional person, but lately I have been REALLY emotional and I just don't know if I am prepared for tonight.
I know I will cry the whole time
I know I will show my anger
I know I will hurt my husband...he has seen my cry so much lately, I know he hates it cause it makes him feel helpless
I just want to be a fly on the wall, small enough so that no one can see me or hear me and I can do my thing, I can cry, kick, scream and wail and not have to worry about anyone seeing or hearing me. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear their "I'm sorry's" I just don't want to be the center of attention for THAT reason.
I am freaking out a little bit. Thank God Pace will be with me. It's funny, in the past I was always the motivating factor in going to bible study...now he is. Funny how things change.
I know I will cry the whole time
I know I will show my anger
I know I will hurt my husband...he has seen my cry so much lately, I know he hates it cause it makes him feel helpless
I just want to be a fly on the wall, small enough so that no one can see me or hear me and I can do my thing, I can cry, kick, scream and wail and not have to worry about anyone seeing or hearing me. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear their "I'm sorry's" I just don't want to be the center of attention for THAT reason.
I am freaking out a little bit. Thank God Pace will be with me. It's funny, in the past I was always the motivating factor in going to bible study...now he is. Funny how things change.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Short Update
I called the dr. office yesterday to get my results (just like my dr. told me to do) only to be told that they could not release that info over the phone. I was furious, irate is more like it. I had to beg and plead, but they were able to get me an appt. for Saturday morning so I could get the results of both Betas.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Unexptected Ride
Wow. The last 4 days have just been a whirlwind of emotion. We told everyone about our pregnancy. We were so excited we just couldn't hold it in. I know it is smartest to wait until after the 12 week mark...but after 3 and a half years...we just couldn't wait.
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
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