Monday, May 18, 2009

I need a new attitude (as sung by Patti LaBelle)

I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL

It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)

We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.

Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.

I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.

The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.

We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.

So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.


Leslee said...

I understand what you are saying. We've been trying 4 years as of this August. You're in my prayers...I know how hard it is.

Misty said...

it is such a difficult road to be on and the best way to handle it is the only way you know how. Everyone handles things differntly (sp?). Sometimes that means taking things second by second and that is okay. You can still check out my blog though since it's all about adoption now. haha! Just remember to pray and have fun!

The Unproductive One said...

I think that mental break is actually MORE important than the physical one.

I watched M.arley and M.e last week and even though I thought it was heavily focussed on them getting knocked up and starting a family, what I indentified more with was Mar.ley and his involvement with the family.

My two dogs are my "children" and they get spoilt rotten and Mar.ley's pivitol role in their family really hit home with me.

It IS a sad movie and even though I enjoyed it, I won't be watching it any time soon again.

Enjoy the "break" you will feel so refreshed for it!


Jess said...

Great post! It is easy to fall in a rut. Nov-April was really hard for me. I am so glad I went on the trip. This was the first time in a long time that I loved being kid free and actually greatful for all my accomplishments. I'm sorry clomid is so hard on you. I don't get those side effects. I get some but yours seem intense. :(

I am a blog stalker too! I'm always checking, commenting or blogging, lol!


Amber said...

I so understand exactly everything you wrote, its so tough

Hillary said...

Yes, overall I find blogging and such helpful but sometimes I feel myself slipping into obsession. Do what you need to do!!

Amanda said...

I would definitely encourage you to take the break if it helps at all. My only problem is that I say I will take a break and find it hard to actually do it.

Have you ever tried google reader? This program can be a blessing (or a curse) to streamline your blog reading (a curse when you realized you've subscribed to too many blogs and don't have time to read).

I really feel bad for you and all the other girls that have bad emotional side effects from clomid, I do pretty good, but I know how hard it is to not feel in control of yourself.

Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier said...

Nichole, a change will be good for you and pace both I think. Just to let things go and kinda of sit back and enjoy life together like back in the old days as you put it.
Your time will come, when?? How?? Were?? no one knows but God & why he makes us what for what we want in life is so confusing. But don't give up and keep on strutin your stuff out there.
Lots of love