I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL
It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)
We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.
Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.
I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.
I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.
The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.
We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.
So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.