It is what it is...

My husband says that all the time and honestly sometimes it really irritates the crap out of me. It seems like a scapegoat, a cop-out, but this morning as I was getting ready for work, I was struck with an entirely different perspective.

Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.

I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.

It is what it is.

And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.

I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.

I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!

Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.

God Bless!

I need a new attitude (as sung by Patti LaBelle)

I'm not really sure where to begin this post. I have been pondering this post for the last week, it has changed directions many times. I decided to hold off on posting because I was under the influence of Clo.mid which is dangerous and frightening. LOL

It was an extremely rough week. No part of my life went untested. I was exhausted, cranky, emotional, frustrated, and overall just felt like crap. I have devoted myself to two more Clo.mid cycles and after that, NEVER again. I can't handle the side effects. I just can't bear it any more. I will HAPPILY go back to injections for a couple of reasons. 1. I had virtually NO side effects 2. It gave Pace something to do in this process (he didn't really LIKE sticking me with needles - but he was really good at it!)

We went to our monthly Res.olve meeting and I was hit in the face with a truth that I was really trying to hide. I need to give myself a break. Not a physical break, we have been on a forced break since December (due to endo and surgery) I need to give myself a mental break. I need to minimize my blogging (don't worry...I am not leaving you) I realized last Wednesday that I check/read/update my blog at least 10 times a day. 10 TIMES!!! That is a bit compulsive and totally obsessive don't you think.

Not only do I have this blog, I have an infertility chat board, I am a part of another infertility chat board on Face.book, I get daily Christian infertility support emails, I am starting an infertility support group at my church, I follow 36 infertility blogs, I attend monthly infertility support group meetings, and I own probably 15 infertility related books. Needless to say...I need to give myself a break. I have been eating, breathing, sleeping infertility for far too long and it has not only taken a toll on me, but also my marriage.

I need a vacation (not necessarily having to leave and go on a trip, I just need a vacation for my brain). So I will be pulling back from blogging a bit (and by pulling back I mean limiting myself to checking my blog roll only 2 times a day) LOL. I just need to refocus. My pity party has lasted long enough - I need a break, my husband needs a break and our marriage needs a break.

I spent about an hour yesterday looking at pictures of the last 7 years Pace and I have been together. I miss those days. There were so many smiles, laughs, goofy moments...I sat back and wondered how long it had been since we shared moments like that. It has been far too long.

The pressure of infertility has weighed on us so heavily I feel like we have kind of lost ourselves. We put on our "happy" faces at work and then we both come home and crumble because we don't have to put on happy faces at home, at home we can be real. Work is our escape, but as soon as we walk into the doors at our house, we are reminded of our infertility, the stress, the loss, the pain, the emptiness, the sorrow. We are mourning when we are home. Mourning is ok, it can be healthy, but it can also be a rut that you never get out of. We can still be ourselves, we can still talk about infertility, we can still do all of those things, but we also need to have fun. We need to enjoy our time together, love each other, support each other and be each other's best friends again.

We tried to watch Mar.ley and Me last night. I was warned by my friend Jess about the miscarriage scene, but I didn't realize that the large majority of the movie was about them starting a family, having kid #1, accidentally getting pregnant again, having kid #2 and struggling to manage it all. We stopped the movie. Neither one of us could handle watching any more of it. I am sure it is a wonderful movie, the author of the book is amazing, but neither one of us are in a space to handle it.

So that is where I am. I am done with Clo.mid, waiting to "O" and struggling to find a new outlook on life, marriage, family and infertility.

Two Faced

So after my last post I decided that it is due time that I stop being 2 different people. My blogger friends know me. They know the raw, angry, bitter, jealous me. They know my deep hurts, they know my struggles, they know it all. For better or worse - you all know me better than probably anyone in real life.

I decided that it just isn't fair. It isn't fair to my husband, it isn't fair to my IRL friends and it certainly isn't fair to myself. The fact is, I need people IRL to love me, accept me for who I am and support me through my dark moments and through the good ones too. They need to see the paint that infertility has caused, they need to see how this has changed me from the person I once was to the person I am today.

Being 2 different people certainly isn't fair to my IRL friends, it makes it harder for them to know what I need. It makes it harder for them because they don't really know me. They don't know how it makes me cringe when they talk about their pregnant friends, they don't know how much it hurts me to hear how their morning sickness is kicking their ass, they don't know that saying "maybe you should relax, what about donor egg, have you thought about using a surrogate?" absolutely makes me want to wretch - after I punch a wall. They don't know this because I have never told them. I always just stuff my feelings down, smile and nod, put on a good show and wait until later when I am by myself to fall apart. Or I wait till I can get to my computer so I can pour my heart out to you all.

It most definitely isn't fair to Pace. In the beginning, I was very candid about my feelings. He knew that having a baby consumed my thoughts 24/7 - I had no problem telling him that. He knew that all of my Internet time was spent researching and educating myself. I cried to him, I screamed, I punched things and he supported me. Then time marched on.

After my miscarriage last August, Pace saw me at my worst. He saw the raw me, crumpled up, broken, unable to eat, unwilling to get out of bed, angry, pitiful, desolate, cold, lost me. I didn't have the energy to put on a show, I couldn't pretend I was ok for anyone else. I just was.

Since then I have become more censored. After four years of this shit, I know Pace is tired of seeing me cry, he is tired of seeing me hurt, he is tired of the anger, jealousy and fear. I know he loves me dearly and he is just such a wonderful man, but he knows that we need a life outside of IF too. So I try to put on a happy face. He deserves to have the woman he married back. The fun girl, the partier, the spontaneous woman he fell in love with. I just can't be that person right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.

However, in the meantime - he deserves to at least have his wife. I have become so secluded from him, from everyone. It is my defense mechanism, it is my survival technique - it is crap. It is lonely, it is depressing and it is doing absolutely no good.

So I'm going to try my damnedest to just be honest, be true to who I am and be candid. I didn't realize how bad I was until my dear friend pointed out to me today that she wants to be here for me, but I push her away. She doesn't know how to be my friend because I don't allow her (or anyone) to see the real me. How dreadfully unfair.

So first off, I think I am going to talk to my mom and get her advice on the "sister trip" Honestly, it pisses me off that my sisters haven't thought "hmmmmm it might be hard for Nichole to be around us and our newborn babies, especially since if her baby hadn't died, she would have a newborn too - maybe we should leave the kids elsewhere." It really pisses me off that I have to be the one to say "ummmm no thanks." My mom knows all of us so well, I know she knows that I have been hiding, but then again, she knows that is how I usually deal with things. I just need her advice - I hope she understands, I hope the conversation goes well, I am always nervous talking to my mom about this stuff - I never know what her reaction will be.

Whew....that was a long one

INFERTILITY SUCKS!

Shopping...

Before I share my thoughts on shopping, I wanted to update on the Walk of Hope from Sunday. Unfortunately we did not win the IVF. In fact we didn't win anything. I was/am very dissppointed and frustrated. I knew that "free" was the only way we were probably ever going to do IVF, so I really had my hopes up - stupid me!

There were a lot of kids at the Walk. I knew that there would be people there that were "resolved" (they already have their kids) but I really had no idea how many kids would really be there. It was tough and awkward and just plain difficult. I did get some good information on adoption there as well as some "naturopathic" treatments that seem interesting.

Ever since Sunday I have been in a total funk. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I caught a cold, or horrible allergies, or laryngitis, or something like that. But the main part of it is I just feel stuck. I am currently on CD58 - yep you read that right 5.8. I am just so damn frustrated. My cycles were "average" for the last year up until my surgery in January and now they are all screwed up again. I feel like I am right back to square one and I could just f'ing scream! I have 2 dr. appt.s next week so we can try to figure out what is going on, but I am not getting my hopes up for any answers. It seems no one has the answer, no one knows what to do for me, and the treatments that may work...we absolutely can not afford.

I digress...back to the title of my blog. This was a total revelation for me last night.

I was sitting on the couch and Pace was next to me on the laptop doing some online (window shopping) It hit me how different we really are. When I am on the computer, I am shopping the following:
Pregnancy tests
Ovulation tests
Infertility books
Infertility blogs
Infertility chat rooms
Infertility doctors
Accupuncturists
Infertility support groups
Infertility success stories
Miscarriage information
PCOS information
Endometriosis information
Clo.mid research
Adoption agencies
Adoption success stories
and the list goes on and on and on...

However, when Pace shops...he shops
Wheels for the trucks
Qua.ds
Dirt Bikes
Headlights for the trucks
Winches (not of the lady type, but of the pull Jee.ps out of the mud with his Toy.ota type)
House projects
Toy Haul.ers
RV's
Swimming pool accessories
Big Scre.en TV's

Do you see what is happening here? Do you see the difference? I know that MOST husbands shop and dream of this stuff, but sometiems I wish he would just goo.gle Infertility or just do some research on his own. I have felt very distant from him lately and I think most of it is me, my feelings are hurt, my feelings are tired and my feelings are just so sick of feeling.

I started reading a book last night that was written by a fellow blogger and was given to me by makingmemom (THANK YOU - I LOVE IT!) In this book she gives pointers to "friends of infertiles" one of her pieces of advice is to "do research on your friends diagnosis (or lack thereof) educate yourself on their disease so when they need to talk to you, you have a basic understanding of what they are saying." When I first read it, I thought, "wow, I wouldn't expect my friends to educate themselves on infertility, I think that is kind of an arrogant thing to say" however, this morning it struck me. When my friend was diagnosed with a neurological disease the first thing I did was jump on Web.MD and do research to educate myself. When my neice was born with downs syndrome, I did research, when my nephew had knee surgery, I did research, when my friend went in to have the lap band procedure done, I did research. I did the research because I love these people and I want to know what they are going through - why wouldn't I expect people to do the same for me?

Which brings me back to Pace. I know that I have diarrahea of the mouth when it comes to IF, and he knows a lot about it because I talk about it so damn much, but it would absolutely mean the world to me if one day he came home and said "Honey, I was doing some research and found this dr/treatment/prayer/adoption agency that I think we should look into."

Just once... I don't expect him to jump on the IF bandwagon because honestly, I have set up permanent residency and there just isn't room for both of us.

Not only do I want this from my husband, but I want this from my close friends and family as well. I don't want them to be scared to talk to me, to ask me questions, or even offer suggestions (real suggestions not like - have more faith or relax or crap like that) but real suggestions like, hey I came across this Dr.'s information and they specialize in IF - just thought you may be interested or something like that.

I know that right now being my husband and being my friend isn't easy. I am not that pleasant to be around, I am not that affectionate, I am not that happy, I am very sensitive, and overall just kind of a crap person right now, but I know this will pass and I will break through and get back to the happier Nichole. I just need friends and family to hold out until then.

Back with a plan

Well friends, I am back. I am still a little uncertain of our future, but I am back. Pace and I had a nice long talk over the weekend about where we are and where we will go from here. I have really been thinking about just quiting it all to be honest with you. I am tired of the Dr. appointments, I am tired of peeing on things, I am tired of getting crushed every month, I am tired of feeling depressed and most of all I am tired of missing out on life.

Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!

So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.

We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.

Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL

So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!

Support Group

Pace and I just got back from my very first RES.OLVE support group meeting. I can't believe we didn't go sooner. I met some of the most amazing women and it was so refreshing to be sitting at a table with women who "get it"

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE all of my fellow cyber-infertiles but there is something about having that human face to face interaction. It was amazing. The women at this meeting are all at different stages with different histories and one very common bond. INFERTILITY. We laughed, we cried, but most of all we listened with intent and understood each other.

There is so much for me to soak in. My mind is going a million miles a minute. One thing is for sure - I am definitely going again next month!

Oh - and I have a belated New Year's Resolution - I am going to be more selfish. Ha! Funny right? I am serious. I am going to focus more on me and not worry so much about hurting my friends feelings when I just can't bear to go to another baby shower or go on a sister's trip with my sister's and their newborn babies, or grin and bite my tongue when someone makes an insensitive comment. I am not going to do it anymore. I am not going to sacrifice my happiness and mental/emotional health for the sake of others anymore. It does me no good and only stresses me out and puts my body in an even greater state of discord. I can't afford any more discord in my body - I'm putting my foot down!

I really want to learn how to master humor in this whole thing. One of the ladies at the meeting uses humor to help her and DH through their infertility. I want that. I want to learn how to do that. I wonder if they have a How to Laugh at Your own Infertility for Dummies book?

Update on me...

Today is CD16 for me. I still haven't received a + ovulation yet, but that is ok cause last month I didn't "O" until CD22, so I am just patiently waiting. Well I am kind of being patient.

My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha

Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!

My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.

Well. I don't.

What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.

What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.

I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

Wow Wow Wow

I logged on today and realized that

1. I have been a rotten blogging friend. I have not been good at keeping up with my fellow IF bloggers
2. I need to change my age in my description to "27"
3. The last post I posted was my 100th post.

So in honor of the three statements above...I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to be a better blogging friend which includes not leaving people out there hanging during my 2WW. I am going to change my age...reluctantly I will admit, but I will do it. And....HAPPY 100TH POST TO ME!!!

There, now I can move on to other business.

I am feeling much better today. Pace and I had a great visit last night about our future steps. We decided to give Clo.mid at least a couple more months...then we will go a couple of months with no treatment and then either begin pursuing adoption or go back to my RE.

Tonight though...we are going to crack a bottle of champagne and hang out in the pool. Just the two of us. I start Clo.mid tomorrow so I kind of want to just enjoy tonight.

For our aniversary (In February) I bought us a gift certificate for a relaxation couples massage. Well...I finally called today and scheduled it for this coming Saturday. We are going to do a nice couples massage and then do dinner and a movie. Just a romantic evening for the two of us. Yeah! I can't wait.

Not sure what to think

So I know I haven't blogged in a while. For multiple reasons.

Number one, I have been VERY busy. My parents were in town for a week which was wonderful! We were finally able to show off our house to them. I finally broke down and let Pace buy a quad. It is so much fun! Then Pace rolled the quad. No real damage to either of them, just a few scrapes and bruises.

Number Two: I have just been sad. I don't like to blog when I am sad because then I look back at what I wrote and think "God I sound like a pathetic whiny brat" so I refrain.

Last month (the 26th to be exact) marked 3 years of marriage and Trying To Conceive. A very bittersweet day for Pace and I. So, I have just been sad. I started taking Provera to bring on AF on our anniversary (ironic isn't it?).

This is nothing new for me, for the last 6 months I have taken Provera to bring on AF. Every month, I take it for 10 days and on day 11 AF is here in all of her glory. So imagine my surprise when I woke up on day 12 and AF still hadn't come. Of course my body goes into full "Hey lets trick her into thinking she is pregnant" mode. And mass chaos ensued. I became a manic, symptom seeking, moody, boob poking, frequently urinating idiot.

I still have no resolution. I have taken pg tests, all negative, but still no AF. I have no idea what my body is doing, but I figure either 1. I AM pregnant and it is just too early to tell via pg test. (After all my cycles are SO screwed up I have absolutely NO idea if/when I ovulate) or 2. Something else is wrong with my body and I am moving farther and farther away from actually conceiving.
*sigh*
Why can't my body just cooperate. Why do we have to play these silly little games? Am I pg or not? So silly! I have no idea what to think, but I have decided that maybe I should just give thinking up all together. That way, I won't over obsess, won't over analyze and make myself absolutely crazy.

And besides...men love women that don't think! It could be my own little anniversary present to Pace!


**Update** AF is here. This month is a bust and once again I have wasted 5 days of my life worrying and obsessing about this shit.

I am a pill popping junkie

OK, so not REALLY, but actually...yeah, really. I got a call back from my dr. and he wants me to take the provera for another 3 months and double my dose of Met.formin. I am ok with that as long as the Met doesn't make me feel sick, at this point I will take all the pills in the world if it would mean I could close out 2008 with a baby.

I have a good feeling about this though. I really feel like my turn might be coming. For once I REALLY feel some hope. I am not sure why, I really have no scientific reason to think I would get pregnant anytime soon, but...I do. In fact, I am so confident I have started taking prenatal vitamins again. I haven't been taken prenatal vitamins for eight months. I guess I just gave up hope and decided that I shoudn't even waste my time or my money taking prenatal vitamins

However...

I started taking them last night, that is right...another pill - so here is my pill schedule.

Wake up: Take thyroid meds

One hour later: met.formin

One hour before dinner: thyroid

with dinner: met.formin

one hour after dinner: prenatal vitamin

bedtime: provera

Whew....see...I told you I was a pill popping junkie...the first step is admitting it.

Update on Little Miss Negative (pun intended)

I can't believe it has been almost three weeks since I have blogged. I don't have any good excuses, I just haven't felt like blogging.
Lucky for you all that still read this, I mainly feel like writing when I am in a crappy mood. So...you all get to see the lovely side of me all the time.

Everything just sucks right now. Work is so hard and busy right now cause we have new owners and it has just been a nightmare. I am constantly busy (also a reason for me not blogging as much), the new owners know NOTHING about the business and I am just tired of always having to carry such a heavy load at work.

Pace and I have decided to wait until next spring to start trying to conceive again. I am devastated. Logically, I know it makes the most sense, after all, we are buying a house in December or January and trying to conceive while trying to buy our first home may just put me over the edge. But at the same time, It just breaks my heart. I no longer belong to any group. I am not in the "trying to conceive" group, I am not in the "IVF" group, in the "2WW", in the "adoption" group....nothing. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I had a dream this morning that for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and IMMEDIATELY it came up POSITIVE! I peed on another test and yelled for Pace to come into the room. He looked at it and hugged me, we hugged and we cried and then immediately started calling our families. It was everything I had ever imagined, but will most likely never experience. Even if we do get pregnant, it will so be so planned, and I will know almost immediately with BETA tests and everything else. So when I woke up this morning, I had to try to rebound from the utter devastation while still half asleep. I am not sure what brought on the dream, I had been doing so well, I can't even remember the last time I had a "baby" dream. IT SUCKED!

One of my very dear friends and his son are moving away from us. He and I went to High School together and hadn't spoken in about 6 years when we found each other again on Myspace and realized he lived in only 20 minutes away from me! Talk about crazy! So for the last year and a half, we have really become close. His son calls Pace's little sister HIS little sister. It is so cute! They have just become a part of our family and now I am so sad that they are leaving. They are moving only like 5 or 6 hours away...but still. It is rare that I am ever 30 minutes away from home, let alone 5 or 6 hours!

My responsibilities at the women's center are really kicking my butt as well. I told the Exec. Director months ago, that I really wanted to cut back on my counseling hours because it is too hard for me to counsel women facing unplanned pregnancies, women who are wanting abortions etc., well...my counseling hours have NOT been cut back and have actually just increased because she has been ill. I know that my services there are much needed and that I have obligated myself to be there, but it is just becoming too much. I already work 50 hours a week at my job, then I am at the womens center every Tuesday evening counseling. I get phone calls every day either when I am at work or when I am at home, I get 5-10 emails every day and things are ALWAYS in a constant state of change there which makes training (which is what I am supposed to be in charge of) VERY difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out there.

Pace and I have started going back to church thanks to my dear friend Grace and her husband. I am so glad to be back. I cry every Sunday, without fail, but for some reason, it helps. I am still angry with God, I don't know when I will get over that, but at least I am at a point where I can tell him that I am angry with him. I am at least communicating with him at this point.

I am just in a very tough season right now. I feel very lost, and feel like my mind and my heart are just full of turmoil. I just want to go to some distant island and stay there until next spring.

I am still going to the gym and LOVING it! For the first time in my life I am actually enjoying working out! - See...there is a positive thing. I am not completely Little Miss Negative!

Aren't you glad I started writing again? You all missed my depressing antics didn't you?

Snarky Poo Smearing

I went on a women's retreat this weekend. Ok. It was actually a lot of working and not so much "retreating" It was nice being out with women, but exhausting as well. I really missed Pace. He is my best friend and he knows me on a level that no one else does. When I am not around him, I miss him terribly!

Yesterday we had my mother in law, (and sister in law), our friend James and his son over for a BBQ and some swimming. It was really fun. I actually got in the water with the kids and really enjoyed myself. I was the "retreat" I had been looking forward too all weekend.

I love my mother in law. Really I do. But if I have to sit and listen to her complain about how tough it is being a mom and how little patience she has with her daughter, and how her daughter is driving her absolutely crazy, I think I am going to have to throw up. I know that parenting is hard, especially single parenting and I really do admire all the sacrifices she has made for her daughter, but I really get tired of hearing all of the complaining. I got a little snarky with her yesterday which I should probably apologize for, but I really don't feel too convicted by it. She asked for it. She was talking to my husband and she made the comment "You have no idea about parenting, you don't know about kids." To which I replied quite snarkily "You know what honey, she is right, we know nothing. Maybe someday we will have a clue, but right now we are complete idiots when it comes to kids." She apologized for her comment.

I know, a little overboard, but you just have to understand the relationship dynamics and the family structure. She was not at all trying to be rude, but I wanted to make it a point that I did not appreciate her comment. I think I accomplished that.

We are losing more friends due to IF. To be honest with you. I don't give a shit. I am so sick and tired of reaching out to people, helping them out when they need help, letting them live with us for free and then when we need them the most, they smear poop in our face. I don't like poop in my face. Yet, since I was a young girl, I have consistently allowed people to smear poop in my face. Not anymore. It really is quite simple. You smear poop in my face...you choose to be Eighty-sixed from my life. Period. I don't have time for your poo.

One more reason for me wanting to move out of state. I just want to start over in a place where we know absolutely nobody. People here suck. Smug-fertiles suck. Infertility sucks. and my attitude sucks.