Before I share my thoughts on shopping, I wanted to update on the Walk of Hope from Sunday. Unfortunately we did not win the IVF. In fact we didn't win anything. I was/am very dissppointed and frustrated. I knew that "free" was the only way we were probably ever going to do IVF, so I really had my hopes up - stupid me!
There were a lot of kids at the Walk. I knew that there would be people there that were "resolved" (they already have their kids) but I really had no idea how many kids would really be there. It was tough and awkward and just plain difficult. I did get some good information on adoption there as well as some "naturopathic" treatments that seem interesting.
Ever since Sunday I have been in a total funk. I know part of it has to do with the fact that I caught a cold, or horrible allergies, or laryngitis, or something like that. But the main part of it is I just feel stuck. I am currently on CD58 - yep you read that right 5.8. I am just so damn frustrated. My cycles were "average" for the last year up until my surgery in January and now they are all screwed up again. I feel like I am right back to square one and I could just f'ing scream! I have 2 dr. appt.s next week so we can try to figure out what is going on, but I am not getting my hopes up for any answers. It seems no one has the answer, no one knows what to do for me, and the treatments that may work...we absolutely can not afford.
I digress...back to the title of my blog. This was a total revelation for me last night.
I was sitting on the couch and Pace was next to me on the laptop doing some online (window shopping) It hit me how different we really are. When I am on the computer, I am shopping the following:
Infertility chat rooms
Infertility support groups
Infertility success stories
Adoption success stories
and the list goes on and on and on...
However, when Pace shops...he shops
Wheels for the trucks
Headlights for the trucks
Winches (not of the lady type, but of the pull Jee.ps out of the mud with his Toy.ota type)
Swimming pool accessories
Big Scre.en TV's
Do you see what is happening here? Do you see the difference? I know that MOST husbands shop and dream of this stuff, but sometiems I wish he would just goo.gle Infertility or just do some research on his own. I have felt very distant from him lately and I think most of it is me, my feelings are hurt, my feelings are tired and my feelings are just so sick of feeling.
I started reading a book last night that was written by a fellow blogger and was given to me by makingmemom (THANK YOU - I LOVE IT!) In this book she gives pointers to "friends of infertiles" one of her pieces of advice is to "do research on your friends diagnosis (or lack thereof) educate yourself on their disease so when they need to talk to you, you have a basic understanding of what they are saying." When I first read it, I thought, "wow, I wouldn't expect my friends to educate themselves on infertility, I think that is kind of an arrogant thing to say" however, this morning it struck me. When my friend was diagnosed with a neurological disease the first thing I did was jump on Web.MD and do research to educate myself. When my neice was born with downs syndrome, I did research, when my nephew had knee surgery, I did research, when my friend went in to have the lap band procedure done, I did research. I did the research because I love these people and I want to know what they are going through - why wouldn't I expect people to do the same for me?
Which brings me back to Pace. I know that I have diarrahea of the mouth when it comes to IF, and he knows a lot about it because I talk about it so damn much, but it would absolutely mean the world to me if one day he came home and said "Honey, I was doing some research and found this dr/treatment/prayer/adoption agency that I think we should look into."
Just once... I don't expect him to jump on the IF bandwagon because honestly, I have set up permanent residency and there just isn't room for both of us.
Not only do I want this from my husband, but I want this from my close friends and family as well. I don't want them to be scared to talk to me, to ask me questions, or even offer suggestions (real suggestions not like - have more faith or relax or crap like that) but real suggestions like, hey I came across this Dr.'s information and they specialize in IF - just thought you may be interested or something like that.
I know that right now being my husband and being my friend isn't easy. I am not that pleasant to be around, I am not that affectionate, I am not that happy, I am very sensitive, and overall just kind of a crap person right now, but I know this will pass and I will break through and get back to the happier Nichole. I just need friends and family to hold out until then.