Thursday, April 09, 2009


**Edited because my previous post was hurtful and frankly pretty jerky - here is what it should have said.

Tuesday afternoon I found out that my ex-SIL is pregnant. I was DEVASTATED! I was angry, sad, bitter and pissed!

I found out she was pregnant via She had just taken 2 HPT and posted that she was pg w/ #2 with pictures of the HPT's. Although it would have been nice to hear directly from her that she was pregnant before I was blasted with it on, I also understand her excitement. She is very excited about being pregnant and her is covered in stuff baby and pregnancy related. Totally fine for her - very hurtful to me.

Well, last night was our RE.SOLVE support group meeting and I came to the realization that I really need to be more straightforward to my friends and family about my feelings and emotions. The only people that truly know the emotions of my infertility battle are all of you, one of my co-workers and my husband. After 4 years, I think it is time to break the silence and put my feelings first for once.

So I deleted her. It was my first step in saying "I COME FIRST" from now on. I will no longer put my feelings on the backboard and be a doormat. I will not listen to my pregnant friend CONSTANTLY talk about how sick she feels and how she had no idea how they are going to afford to have this baby. I will be supportive, but she needs to be sensitive to the fact that I would give ANYTHING to feel that crappy.

I sent my SIL a message explaining that I am happy for her and wish her nothing but a wonderful, healthy 9 month pregnancy, but that I had to delete her because it was too hard for me to constantly see pg pictures, posts etc. I am not sure she will understand, she probably won't, but that is ok. I COME FIRST.

Now if I can just figure out how to tell my three sisters that I will not be making it to the sister's trip in June. That is going to be a tough one. (Just so you know, it is not just a trip for the sisters, it is a trip with sister 1, her teenage daughter, sister 2, her 7 year old, 5 year old and 2 month old, sister 3, her 6 year old, her 4 year old, and her one month old...see WHY I can't make the trip now...sigh)

**update: I just got a text back from my ex-SIL It said "I'm sorry nichole:( and I do totally understand. I feel really bad"
Looks like honesty really is the best policy in this case. Thank you God!


Angelwingsbaby said...

I am so proud of you!!!It's time to take care of you and your feelings.((GIANT HUG)) with a huge pat on the back!! it may be a bit clinche but "you go girl!" -Megan

Darya said...

You go girl!!! I'm proud of you! Good luck with the sister trip.

Jess said...

I'm proud of you! You do come first...remember that!

Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier said...

WAY TO GO, you are getting strong girl. Its not always about everyone else but about you. You have to take care of yourself and your needs before others bc at the end of the day that is what matters. love ya hun.

Living With Loss said...

Good for you! Well done.

Teri said...

Nichole - I am SO glad that you came to this realization...I know it's a hard place to come to, but I think you will feel SO much better about all of it

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Yay for you putting YOU first!!!

Stuff what anyone else thinks, YOU come first.

As for the sisters trip, as your sisters they should completely understand why you don't want to go...


Hillary said...

I'm glad you found the courage to speak up -- and what a blessing that she responded to well! :)

Nikki said...

I'm proud of you too! Yes, you do come first, and I'm glad you deleted her!

Good luck with the trip in June.

babydust81 said...

POWER Girl!!

I salute you. That is a major step on your part.

It is time people learn to appreciate you and understand your feelings rather than the other way round all the time.

All the best for the sisters' trip.

Erin said...

You've got serious guts, girlfriend. I'm so proud of you. It's about time we put ourselves first. We deserve it. And while we know it would be impossible for ex-SIL to truly "understand," I admire that she replied with that sentiment. I'd far stay away from that sister's weekend... do you plan to make the reveal to them next?


twondra said...

I'm hopping over from Erin's blog. I hope that's okay! I just wanted to say that I think it's great you deleted your ex-SIL and took care of yourself. That's a GREAT step. I wish you the best in your journey. Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))


Anonymous said...

This is your EX SIL's friend. I struggled for YEARS....4 YEARS with infertility...But you cant go around hating everyone your friends with or family with because they can have something you cant...Yes, think of your feelings, and how you feel, but dont befriend someone because your mad they have what you want. I know how heart wrenching it is to not have a child. I have tried for over 4 years, and nothing. Come to find out, its not me, but hubby... You need to consider your feelings for sure, but consider your friends too...(or sisters for that matter) Dont wallow in self pity, it only brings you down!

Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier said...

Hey girl, check under the 20/20 post on my blog, i wrote back about what happen to Gabes eyes. if you look at some of my myspace pic. you can see the redness im talking about. love you hun. have a blessed day.