Saturday, April 11, 2009

Being Convicted

My fellow bloggers, I need to apologize. I need to apologize to not only all of you, but especially my Ex-sister-in-law and myself as well.

My ex-SIL read my previous blog. I had no idea she read my blog in the first place, but that isn't the point. The point is, it was shallow and unfair of me to describe her in the way I did. I hurt her feelings, made her very upset and rightfully so. I love to write, this blog has given me the opportunity to vent my frustrations to people that "get it" and I cherish that. However, I never meant to hurt anyone and I deeply regret not having the ability to write my last post more eloquently.

Yes, this blog is a place for me to vent, but I did not create this blog to hurt others. I should have been more mindful about what I was writing, who was going to read it and how it was going to be interpreted.

I am not perfect. I am having a very rough time just making it by day to day right now, but that gives me no write to judge someone else. Just as my ex-SIL has never and will never walk in my shoes, I have never and will never walk in hers.

I don't think of myself as a judgemental person, I guess we all are to some degree, but typically I really try not to. The whole IF thing has really put a bitterness in my heart that I never experienced before.

I am thankful I wrote the last blog, I am even more thankful that my ex-SIL read it and called me out on it - and man did she call me out. She let me have it, but I upset her and she had every right to be angry. I am thankful for all of this because it convicted me. It showed me a side of me that I didn't really know I had and a side of me that I DEFINITELY need to work on.

imarriedmrewing - thank you for your comment. I appreciate your honesty, your story, your understanding and most of all the truth. I also appreciate the grace with which you wrote. You made it very clear to me where I had gone wrong without being hurtful.

I am a Christian, but I am even more of a sinner. I have a lot of work to do and this experience has definitely brought that to my attention front and center.

Ex-SIL - I am very sorry for hurting you and upsetting you. You were right - you have never done anything to me and I had no right to write what I wrote about you. You have pretty much raised your son alone with no help from anyone and that takes a strength and determination that not everyone has. I do wish you a very healthy pregnancy, I would never wish any pregnant woman harm. Not you or anyone else. Thank you for your honesty last night even though I feel it was a little harsh, but I thank you non-the-less.

I humbly ask for forgiveness from all of you.


LJ said...

I basically have all stopped blogging because my SIL found my blog and lost it on me. I am sorry for hurting her like you are, though in my case I am simultaneously not sorry for writing it. Then again my SIL is evil personified, so ya know ;)

Basically, I've been there, and I feel ya...

Hillary said...

It is often difficult to be convicted of sin, but how great it is to see God working in your life! I am proud of you for having a soft heart to let him work in you. Thank you for posting and sharing this.

Nikki said...

Nichole, I'm so moved by this post. Yes, we're all quick to make opinions and quick to judge, or state our opinions. But it takes a lot of depth of character to admit one's mistake, and to try and make amends for it.

Proud of you!

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

I understand your exSIL may have been upset by your words but for IF's we cannot be judged on our reactions on hearing other people's good pregnancy news!

I always congratulate those who tell me they're pregnant and I am very happy for them, behind the scenes I break down, bawl my eyes out and slide into deep depression.

There WILL come a point where I can no longer be happy for someone who tells me that they are knocked up with sprog and the reality will come out, they will be faced with my sobbing and utter despair that it is not me - yet again.

And that I will never apologise for.

It's good you've amended your post if YOU felt you needed to but never amend your feelings to please others hon, I sometimes feel us IF's put others and their feelings before our own too much...

Much love


Unknown said...

Bodhi I can't agree with you more!!! You can't hold it all in. You just can't. If someone is upset by what we write then so be it. We have TRUE honest to God pain that others can't fathom. It is selfish of others to ask you to apoligize for expressing your pain. You need to express it or the bitterness becomes bad. You need to scream.."I NEED SUPPORT!!!"

Bec said...

Oh honey. It's so hard because our blogs are our safe haven, the place where we (or at least I do) feel completely at ease writing about my every thought - positive, negative, nice or spiteful. For me, it's important for my mental health to get out all of my thoughs so that they don't build up and become bigger issues.

I'm sorry that your sister-in-law found your blog because you will censor yourself. At the same time though, as a baby christian myself, I think you can take it as a sign and really use it to realise the faults in yourself (and all of use) and move forward in a positive way. I think you have definitely gone a long way in this direction with this post.

Sending you my love and prayers xxx

Hillary said...

Hi Nichole! I wanted to let you know that you won my little giveaway on my blog!! Please email me and let me know which book you would like me to send to you and your address!

Thanks for playing!

momsoon said...

I am with the others who, although your amending the hurt that your SIL felt was important/good, your venting your true feelings is a neccessary part of getting through this time. I believe God judges our hearts, and can see through our rants to know that it is pain/frustration as opposed to hate and envy.
I pray that you still feel able to write your true, unedited feelings and that those who read grow sensitive to your situation. It sounds like you and your SIL will be closer as a result, not further apart, and isn't that the point?
Thanks also for your support on my very heavy blog today...peace to you.