Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Easter Sunday

I grew up in a large Cath.olic family. Ea.ster was always a BIG deal! New dresses, freshly curled hair, new shoes, colored eggs, new little baskets, chocolate coming out of our ears, 4 days straight of church it was a BIG deal!

Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.

Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.

A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.

Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!

I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!

We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.

You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:

1. Sleep in

2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk

3. Make a nice big breakfast

4. Relax

5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium

6. Pack a picnic lunch

7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)

8. Have our picnic

9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them

10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!

11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.

I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.


Dana said...

Oh Nichole..I am so sorry!! I know that it will be so hard..your day you have planned sounds very peaceful! I really don't know what to say..I just want to send you tons of LOVE and just know I am thinking about you and Pace!! I wish I could give you a HUGE HUG!! I will keep y'all in my prayers for God to just wrap you up in His arms during this tough time!!!! and NEVER let go!!!

Living With Loss said...

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by doing what you and your husband need to do this year on Easter.
I hope that your family and friends will be understanding and supportive.
I hope that Sunday will be a healing day for you both. You'll be in my thoughts.

Jess said...

I think what you guys are doing is perfect! Thank God easter isn't always the same date...even though it will always be a painful reminder but like all wounds, I am hoping this one heals once you hold your first baby.

I felt like you did around Christmas. We never set up our tree or our decorations (something I do every year...I can't wait to clean up after Thanksgiving, so I can write my Christmas cards and decorate the house). Sometimes holidays are the worst reminders of what we should be having or don't have. Hang in there...enjoy your day and spread those seeds.

Be patient with those who don't understand...they don't know what it feels like to want this so bad.

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'll say a prayer for you...

Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier said...

Girl you have every right in the world to make the day about you and pace, and your friends and family should understand that. After all they know what you have been through and the heart ache and loss. For anyone not to understand yours and pace's reasons to why you want to send the day the way you want then they dont understand were you have been in the last four years. I pray that through the day at some point you are able to have some peace and enjoy your day with your bestfriend the only one that truly will matter at that moment. I love Love your plan for the day and it just brought tears to my eyes. I love you girl, and in more than one way this day will always be a day to remember for the both of you. you both have truly been a blessing in my life as well as so so much in Jareds life and you are only going to share that with your Angel Baby on sunday and I pray your family and friends there in AZ. understand that. Love you babe

Hope said...

I got a little tearful reading your post because it reminded me of my upcoming unfulfilled due date; April 20th. It's a sad rememberance, but it sounds like you have a lovely day planned and I hope it is peaceful for you and Pace.