Thursday, April 23, 2009

Two Faced

So after my last post I decided that it is due time that I stop being 2 different people. My blogger friends know me. They know the raw, angry, bitter, jealous me. They know my deep hurts, they know my struggles, they know it all. For better or worse - you all know me better than probably anyone in real life.

I decided that it just isn't fair. It isn't fair to my husband, it isn't fair to my IRL friends and it certainly isn't fair to myself. The fact is, I need people IRL to love me, accept me for who I am and support me through my dark moments and through the good ones too. They need to see the paint that infertility has caused, they need to see how this has changed me from the person I once was to the person I am today.

Being 2 different people certainly isn't fair to my IRL friends, it makes it harder for them to know what I need. It makes it harder for them because they don't really know me. They don't know how it makes me cringe when they talk about their pregnant friends, they don't know how much it hurts me to hear how their morning sickness is kicking their ass, they don't know that saying "maybe you should relax, what about donor egg, have you thought about using a surrogate?" absolutely makes me want to wretch - after I punch a wall. They don't know this because I have never told them. I always just stuff my feelings down, smile and nod, put on a good show and wait until later when I am by myself to fall apart. Or I wait till I can get to my computer so I can pour my heart out to you all.

It most definitely isn't fair to Pace. In the beginning, I was very candid about my feelings. He knew that having a baby consumed my thoughts 24/7 - I had no problem telling him that. He knew that all of my Internet time was spent researching and educating myself. I cried to him, I screamed, I punched things and he supported me. Then time marched on.

After my miscarriage last August, Pace saw me at my worst. He saw the raw me, crumpled up, broken, unable to eat, unwilling to get out of bed, angry, pitiful, desolate, cold, lost me. I didn't have the energy to put on a show, I couldn't pretend I was ok for anyone else. I just was.

Since then I have become more censored. After four years of this shit, I know Pace is tired of seeing me cry, he is tired of seeing me hurt, he is tired of the anger, jealousy and fear. I know he loves me dearly and he is just such a wonderful man, but he knows that we need a life outside of IF too. So I try to put on a happy face. He deserves to have the woman he married back. The fun girl, the partier, the spontaneous woman he fell in love with. I just can't be that person right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.

However, in the meantime - he deserves to at least have his wife. I have become so secluded from him, from everyone. It is my defense mechanism, it is my survival technique - it is crap. It is lonely, it is depressing and it is doing absolutely no good.

So I'm going to try my damnedest to just be honest, be true to who I am and be candid. I didn't realize how bad I was until my dear friend pointed out to me today that she wants to be here for me, but I push her away. She doesn't know how to be my friend because I don't allow her (or anyone) to see the real me. How dreadfully unfair.

So first off, I think I am going to talk to my mom and get her advice on the "sister trip" Honestly, it pisses me off that my sisters haven't thought "hmmmmm it might be hard for Nichole to be around us and our newborn babies, especially since if her baby hadn't died, she would have a newborn too - maybe we should leave the kids elsewhere." It really pisses me off that I have to be the one to say "ummmm no thanks." My mom knows all of us so well, I know she knows that I have been hiding, but then again, she knows that is how I usually deal with things. I just need her advice - I hope she understands, I hope the conversation goes well, I am always nervous talking to my mom about this stuff - I never know what her reaction will be.

Whew....that was a long one



Amanda said...

Talking with your mom might be a good step (depending on how the conversation goes), but it seems like you should probably be pretty direct with your sisters too and tell them you are still having a hard time and would like to have a chance to hang out w/o children.

I have to say that I don't particularly like 'IF Amanda'and don't want others to see me as that all the time cause occasionally, I do get to be normal Amanda. So there are 2 Amanda's in my opinion. So a little 'two-faced' behavior with certain people is may still ok if you think it's appropriate.

Jess said...

I love this post because it is honest. I think most infertiles push away their friends because we think they won't understand. I started my blog to let my friends in and I let them read it...they know the happy Jessica, the goofy Jessica, the friend who would do anything for them, but they also get to see the sad, hurt Jessica! We all have layers and some are beautiful and some are hurt, sad and bitter but were still the same person. You should let your friends in and possibly let them read your blogs. It really helped me with my two best friends. The last six months has been great because I let them in.

We met and lost a baby so early in our marriage that this is all Greg knows...he knew the Jessica pre-baby but only for a few short months. Our entire marriage has been post miscarriage. :(

Living With Loss said...

I can really relate to hiding my true feelings (usually for others' benefit). It's difficult and it's tiring and, like you said, it doesn't help you out. I hope you can make some positive changes to let people know how you really feel.

'He deserves to have the woman he married back'

Marriage is for better or for worse and it isn't your fault that things have changed, that you're a different person now. You've been through so much (and still are) but hopefully in time you can be the 'fun girl, the partier, the spontaneous woman he fell in love with' once again. But I am sure that your husband loves you even more with each day and admires you for your strength through the last 4 years.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Ohhhh hon your whole post rings VERY true with me at the moment, thats the whole reason why we're on the verge of getting off the TTC trail.

In fact your post has spurred me on to post about it, so thankyou!

And please know you're not the only one who needs to stop etting TTC take over their life, I'm in that boat too!


Hillary said...

Talking to your mom sounds like an excellent first step. Four years is a long time, sweetie, and I'm so sorry. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Ohhh sweetie...your post just brought tears to my eyes. I think talking to your mom is a wonderful first step. All of this is so hard. IF is more stressful (and proven) then cancer. I wish you peace and serenity. I hope you keep the connections with your IRL friends and continue to build on your friendships. It is hard to be strong outside of your blog. I try to do the same thing. Thank god for therapy ;)

Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier said...

Praying for you and the talk with your mom, let us know how it gose babe and what you decide to do as far as the trip. Im sure your sister's haven't thought about you not coming bc of whats all been going on, but im sure that the trip wouldn't be the same with out their sis. I know I love trips with you and you always bring light to a dim moment.

Darya said...


It may be hard for you to show your real self at first but I bet it will be a liberating experience in the end. It really sucks that we can't be the girl we used to be right now but I keep hoping she will come back one day. Sometimes I look in the mirror and say "I don't like you right now and I want you to know I'll be back soon so don't get too comfortable." It helps a little.

I'm sorry about the situation with your sisters. I think they will only see it if you show them. Take care.