January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.
February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.
March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.
April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.
May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.
June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.
July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!
August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.
September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.
October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.
November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.
December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!
*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
2009... you will NOT be missed!**UPDATED**
What a very Merry Christmas! I haven't really had time to blog recently, so I apologize for my absence. I had a wonderful Christmas with Pace, E and my MIL. Pace and I went to church on Wednesday night (thought there would be less of a crowd, and less babies)...it was AWESOME! One of the most moving and memorable Christmas services I have ever attended. It was so good Pace went again on Christmas eve with his mom.
My MIL and E spent the night with us Christmas eve, we set out cookies and egg nog for Santa, and read all about the birth of Jesus before bed. It was great knowing that E is now old enough to know the real reason for the season! Friday morning we woke up and watched E tear through all of the goodies that Santa left her. Then we made the traditional family breakfast and exchanged gifts. It really was a wonderful day with great friends, family and awesome food!
I have a little bit of news to share and I am VERY cautiously optimistic...
I work with this woman who has a grandson that is my age. His gf is currently pregnant with #2 and they are considering adoption. The economy has really taken a toll on them and they are finding it difficult to make ends meet. How selfless to consider this option, I really just can't get over how much I admire a birthparent's sacrific of giving their child a better chance. My co-worker mailed her grandson a letter telling him all about Pace and I and included our Christmas letter we sent out which does indicate that we are looking to adopt in 2010. My co-worker called me on Christmas Eve to tell me that she had sent them the letter and would call as soon as she heard something from them...she called this morning. She said she didn't want to discuss anything while I was at work and to call her when I was on my way home. Eeeeek
I called my sisters and my mom on Christmas Eve and asked for them to be praying for this couple. Even if they decide not to allow us to adopt their baby, they need prayers. They are struggling right now and facing difficult times. So to all of you that are of the praying type. I ask that you pray for them as well. Pray that the Lord may lead them in the right direction, that He may carry their struggles and their burdens and that they may know Him!
Pace and I are off to the sand dunes again this year for New Years. I am super excited. My co-worker (same one listed above) let us borrow their tent trailer, so it will be nice to have our own place to stay. We won't have to share, it will just be our little home. It's going to be awesome to have some alone time with Pace. Please pray for a SAFE TRIP!!!
I will try to get on and update as soon as I talk to my co-worker. What a wonderful way to start out 2010 THAT would be!!!!
**UPDATE** My co-worker spoke to her grandson and they already went through an adoption agency and have matched with a couple. She is due in a month or so and the adoptive couple they chose have been really great to them. I am really happy for the adoptive couple that will have their dreams come true very soon! Although this situation didn't work out, it did at least instill a little bit of hope again in my heart - a feeling I haven't had for a while. Thank you for all of the well-wishes.
Emily - Know that I am ALWAYS praying for you guys! I love you!
My MIL and E spent the night with us Christmas eve, we set out cookies and egg nog for Santa, and read all about the birth of Jesus before bed. It was great knowing that E is now old enough to know the real reason for the season! Friday morning we woke up and watched E tear through all of the goodies that Santa left her. Then we made the traditional family breakfast and exchanged gifts. It really was a wonderful day with great friends, family and awesome food!
I have a little bit of news to share and I am VERY cautiously optimistic...
I work with this woman who has a grandson that is my age. His gf is currently pregnant with #2 and they are considering adoption. The economy has really taken a toll on them and they are finding it difficult to make ends meet. How selfless to consider this option, I really just can't get over how much I admire a birthparent's sacrific of giving their child a better chance. My co-worker mailed her grandson a letter telling him all about Pace and I and included our Christmas letter we sent out which does indicate that we are looking to adopt in 2010. My co-worker called me on Christmas Eve to tell me that she had sent them the letter and would call as soon as she heard something from them...she called this morning. She said she didn't want to discuss anything while I was at work and to call her when I was on my way home. Eeeeek
I called my sisters and my mom on Christmas Eve and asked for them to be praying for this couple. Even if they decide not to allow us to adopt their baby, they need prayers. They are struggling right now and facing difficult times. So to all of you that are of the praying type. I ask that you pray for them as well. Pray that the Lord may lead them in the right direction, that He may carry their struggles and their burdens and that they may know Him!
Pace and I are off to the sand dunes again this year for New Years. I am super excited. My co-worker (same one listed above) let us borrow their tent trailer, so it will be nice to have our own place to stay. We won't have to share, it will just be our little home. It's going to be awesome to have some alone time with Pace. Please pray for a SAFE TRIP!!!
I will try to get on and update as soon as I talk to my co-worker. What a wonderful way to start out 2010 THAT would be!!!!
**UPDATE** My co-worker spoke to her grandson and they already went through an adoption agency and have matched with a couple. She is due in a month or so and the adoptive couple they chose have been really great to them. I am really happy for the adoptive couple that will have their dreams come true very soon! Although this situation didn't work out, it did at least instill a little bit of hope again in my heart - a feeling I haven't had for a while. Thank you for all of the well-wishes.
Emily - Know that I am ALWAYS praying for you guys! I love you!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Easter Sunday
I grew up in a large Cath.olic family. Ea.ster was always a BIG deal! New dresses, freshly curled hair, new shoes, colored eggs, new little baskets, chocolate coming out of our ears, 4 days straight of church it was a BIG deal!
Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.
Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.
A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.
Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!
I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!
We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.
You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:
1. Sleep in
2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk
3. Make a nice big breakfast
4. Relax
5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium
6. Pack a picnic lunch
7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)
8. Have our picnic
9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them
10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!
11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.
I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.
Ea.ster is still a big deal to me, but for much different reasons. The story of Ea.ster is amazing, I love the story. It is a story of new hope, new life and eternal salvation. It is a refreshing story and a great reminder of what our Lord did for us. This year however, is a little different for me.
Ea.ster's in the past have been filled with egg coloring, big elaborate meals, family and friends and of course children (obviously not my own). As a little girl I used to take my basket full of colored eggs to church with me and in the middle of the service, the priest would have all of us youngsters come to the front of the church to have our eggs blessed. It was the adults favorite part of the mass because they could "ooh" and "aaah" over the cute little boys all dressed up in their little ties and slacks and the little girls in their ruffles and lace.
A couple of years ago Pace and I hosted an Ea.ster egg hunt and dinner at our house for our friends and family. It was really a lot of fun. It was so cute to see the kids look for the eggs and then we had a contest to see who could roll down the hill in the park the fastest. This year however, is a little different for me.
Pace and I have received many invitations for Ea.ster this year. We were invited to spend it with our friends and their family. We love them and their family! We are part of the family, we always feel so welcome and just love love love them!
I am sure my MIL expects us to do something for them for Ea.ster. All of our previous Ea.ster's have included Pace's little sister, so why should this year be any different? Of course if we planned something, my MIL would find something to be mad at us for and then not show up, or show up 2 hours late. I swear she does that just to pi$$ me off!
We always have an open invitation to go to my sister's house. This is guaranteed to be a good time, my nieces and nephews are in High School now so they are "cool" to hang out with (if you can put up with their teenager attitudes long enough) and my BIL is a lot of fun. The food is always amazing at their house and again, we feel so welcome there. No doubt we would enjoy ourselves there every year. This year however, is a little different for me.
You see, my due date was April 12th, 2009. Ea.ster Sunday of all days of the year was my due date. The date that I should be bringing our beautiful little miracle into the world. So this year I don't think I want to be around anyone on Ea.ster Sunday. My friends and family will have to understand that for once, Pace and I are going to be selfish. We are going to do what WE want to do that day and that will not include any friends or any family. Pace and I talked about it the other night and decided that we were going to do the following on Easter Sunday:
1. Sleep in
2. Talk the dogs for a morning walk
3. Make a nice big breakfast
4. Relax
5. Fill our balloons with the "forget-me-not" flower seeds we got from Sarah's Laughter (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) and have them filled with helium
6. Pack a picnic lunch
7. Go to a nice park or hiking spot somewhere (there are many to choose from)
8. Have our picnic
9. Say a prayer for our angel baby and release our balloons with the seeds in them
10. Dream of where all of the flower seeds are being spread, just like the love we have for our baby, being spread all over the state!
11. Return home and do whatever we want for the remainder of the day.
I am not sure how our friends and family are going to react to this act of self-preservation and frankly they are just going to have to deal with it. This is going to be one of the hardest days of 2009 for me yet and I am not going to push my feelings aside, stuff them down and pretend that everything is ok for the sake of others. Nope - not this year. This year is different for me.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Survived Christmas
I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write about...so here goes.
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I like to procrastinate
I know I haven't written in a while. I hate it when I go this long without writing. There were so many things I wanted to write about, but I wanted to attach photos as well...and I just haven 't downloaded my camera darn it. So... I am updating. I am writing with no pictures to add, but at least I am writing.
Warning...this will be a long post LOL.
Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.
Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).
So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."
I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!
On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.
We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.
Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.
Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.
I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.
Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different way...in a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier.
Whew.....so that is my update...wow sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!
Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!
Warning...this will be a long post LOL.
Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.
Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).
So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."
I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!
On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.
We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.
Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.
Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.
I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.
Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different way...in a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier.
Whew.....so that is my update...wow sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!
Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Humbled
I am totally taken back and humbled by all of the support from you...my blog readers...most of you are strangers to me in real life, but know me better than most of my in real life friends. Thank you for encouraging me to "be me" and to post honestly about where I am in the moment. You are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to "meet" and I thank you.
AF arrived. I am SO thankful that this cycle is over. I am looking forward to the next two cycles. We are going au natural this time and I am really looking forward to seeing what my body does without drugs. I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to look at this as more of an experiment than anything.
Halloween wasn't as hard this year as last year. We had Pace's little sister and he stayed home to hand out candy while I took her trick or treating. She was so much fun and looked absolutely adorable. We didn't have very many kids come, so we have TONS of candy left over (yeah) that has really come in handy with AF being in town.
My dear friend "J" is back in the states from Iraq. It was so awesome to see pics of him and his wife together again (finally) he is back in town for 2 weeks and then will go back to Iraq for 3 months. I wish he could just stay here. I hate him being over there and I know his wife does too. I can't wait to see him - we are going to throw him a little "WELCOME HOME" party on Saturday.
Pace and I made a memory box for our angel baby a few days ago. I cried like a baby putting it together. It just seemed so final. We haven't really decided where we are going to hang it, we thought about keeping it in our bedroom because I really think some people think I am loony for taking this whole miscarriage thing as far as I have. After all...miscarriages are common...why am I making such a big deal about it? My answer to that is...I waited and struggled for this child for 3 and a half years. Our angel baby may be the closest we will ever get to a biological child and s/he WAS a child. OUR child. I don't want anyone to forget. I don't want to forget. Our baby deserves to have a place on our wall since s/he will never have a place in the nursery.
My friend Jess (who has 3 angel babies herself) suggests that we hang it in our living room. Hang it proudly and always know that our little baby is right there with us. I think I agree with her. The whole point of doing the memory box is so that we will remember...so...here it is...it isn't hung up yet, but will be soon.
AF arrived. I am SO thankful that this cycle is over. I am looking forward to the next two cycles. We are going au natural this time and I am really looking forward to seeing what my body does without drugs. I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to look at this as more of an experiment than anything.
Halloween wasn't as hard this year as last year. We had Pace's little sister and he stayed home to hand out candy while I took her trick or treating. She was so much fun and looked absolutely adorable. We didn't have very many kids come, so we have TONS of candy left over (yeah) that has really come in handy with AF being in town.
My dear friend "J" is back in the states from Iraq. It was so awesome to see pics of him and his wife together again (finally) he is back in town for 2 weeks and then will go back to Iraq for 3 months. I wish he could just stay here. I hate him being over there and I know his wife does too. I can't wait to see him - we are going to throw him a little "WELCOME HOME" party on Saturday.
Pace and I made a memory box for our angel baby a few days ago. I cried like a baby putting it together. It just seemed so final. We haven't really decided where we are going to hang it, we thought about keeping it in our bedroom because I really think some people think I am loony for taking this whole miscarriage thing as far as I have. After all...miscarriages are common...why am I making such a big deal about it? My answer to that is...I waited and struggled for this child for 3 and a half years. Our angel baby may be the closest we will ever get to a biological child and s/he WAS a child. OUR child. I don't want anyone to forget. I don't want to forget. Our baby deserves to have a place on our wall since s/he will never have a place in the nursery.
My friend Jess (who has 3 angel babies herself) suggests that we hang it in our living room. Hang it proudly and always know that our little baby is right there with us. I think I agree with her. The whole point of doing the memory box is so that we will remember...so...here it is...it isn't hung up yet, but will be soon.
The thing on the left is the poem that I wrote 3 days after my miscarriage. My two positive pregnancy tests are in there, there is a calendar saying from my desk calendar for August 9th, 2008 - the day I found out I was pregnant. The pacifier is part of the "congratulations" package we received from OBGYN, the footprints at the bottom is part of the program from the "Walk to Remember" we participated in a few weeks ago. The cross I bought and painted and the roses are from the flowers we received from Jess and her husband when we found out we were pregnant. I love this box. Every time I see it, I smile. (and then usually cry) but I am sure that will pass....someday.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Ok...can I catch a break?
I still haven't gotten a positive ovulation test. In fact...now they are all one line only. So I am thinking that either I didn't ovulate...or I missed the ovulation. Either way...this cycle sucks.
I started taking Prom.etrium last night just in case and will test in a week to see what we have...although I am pretty sure I already know.
After this cycle we are going to do at least two cycles without Clo.mid. I will still take OPK's and try to do this the old fashioned way. I am not very optimistic, but my body (and my mind) just need a break. Especially with the holidays coming up. Me+Holidays+Clo.mid= Blood Bath.
So we will take at least Nov. and Dec. off and then will probably go see a new RE at the beginning of the year. Hopefully we can find one that is a little closer to home (and cheaper) than the RE we used to see.
It's nice having a plan and I am really looking forward to the break. This last cycle of Clo.mid really freaked me out! LOL
My sister's birthday was yesterday, so I called to wish her a Happy Birthday and in that conversation she told me about the sonogram she had yesterday. She is 18 weeks along and is having another baby girl. She had 2 girls now one that is 4 and the other 2. Her 2 year old has down syndrome so they are monitoring the new baby very closely. The first symptom of the 2 year old having DS was that her kidneys were dilated in-utero. My sister found out that the new baby's kidneys are dilated as well. This does not mean she has DS, but it is a little concerning for my sister. She and her husband have chosen not to have an amnio or any further testing done (other than the norm). So, please pray for them. Either way they are going to love this little girl, I just ask that you pray for peace and patience as this is a very nerve wracking time for her right now.
My other sister is 22 weeks along and they have chosen not to find out what they are having.
Man Christmas is going to be awesome (insert sarcasm here)
I started taking Prom.etrium last night just in case and will test in a week to see what we have...although I am pretty sure I already know.
After this cycle we are going to do at least two cycles without Clo.mid. I will still take OPK's and try to do this the old fashioned way. I am not very optimistic, but my body (and my mind) just need a break. Especially with the holidays coming up. Me+Holidays+Clo.mid= Blood Bath.
So we will take at least Nov. and Dec. off and then will probably go see a new RE at the beginning of the year. Hopefully we can find one that is a little closer to home (and cheaper) than the RE we used to see.
It's nice having a plan and I am really looking forward to the break. This last cycle of Clo.mid really freaked me out! LOL
My sister's birthday was yesterday, so I called to wish her a Happy Birthday and in that conversation she told me about the sonogram she had yesterday. She is 18 weeks along and is having another baby girl. She had 2 girls now one that is 4 and the other 2. Her 2 year old has down syndrome so they are monitoring the new baby very closely. The first symptom of the 2 year old having DS was that her kidneys were dilated in-utero. My sister found out that the new baby's kidneys are dilated as well. This does not mean she has DS, but it is a little concerning for my sister. She and her husband have chosen not to have an amnio or any further testing done (other than the norm). So, please pray for them. Either way they are going to love this little girl, I just ask that you pray for peace and patience as this is a very nerve wracking time for her right now.
My other sister is 22 weeks along and they have chosen not to find out what they are having.
Man Christmas is going to be awesome (insert sarcasm here)
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