Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Update on Little Miss Negative (pun intended)

I can't believe it has been almost three weeks since I have blogged. I don't have any good excuses, I just haven't felt like blogging.
Lucky for you all that still read this, I mainly feel like writing when I am in a crappy mood. So...you all get to see the lovely side of me all the time.

Everything just sucks right now. Work is so hard and busy right now cause we have new owners and it has just been a nightmare. I am constantly busy (also a reason for me not blogging as much), the new owners know NOTHING about the business and I am just tired of always having to carry such a heavy load at work.

Pace and I have decided to wait until next spring to start trying to conceive again. I am devastated. Logically, I know it makes the most sense, after all, we are buying a house in December or January and trying to conceive while trying to buy our first home may just put me over the edge. But at the same time, It just breaks my heart. I no longer belong to any group. I am not in the "trying to conceive" group, I am not in the "IVF" group, in the "2WW", in the "adoption" group....nothing. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I had a dream this morning that for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and IMMEDIATELY it came up POSITIVE! I peed on another test and yelled for Pace to come into the room. He looked at it and hugged me, we hugged and we cried and then immediately started calling our families. It was everything I had ever imagined, but will most likely never experience. Even if we do get pregnant, it will so be so planned, and I will know almost immediately with BETA tests and everything else. So when I woke up this morning, I had to try to rebound from the utter devastation while still half asleep. I am not sure what brought on the dream, I had been doing so well, I can't even remember the last time I had a "baby" dream. IT SUCKED!

One of my very dear friends and his son are moving away from us. He and I went to High School together and hadn't spoken in about 6 years when we found each other again on Myspace and realized he lived in only 20 minutes away from me! Talk about crazy! So for the last year and a half, we have really become close. His son calls Pace's little sister HIS little sister. It is so cute! They have just become a part of our family and now I am so sad that they are leaving. They are moving only like 5 or 6 hours away...but still. It is rare that I am ever 30 minutes away from home, let alone 5 or 6 hours!

My responsibilities at the women's center are really kicking my butt as well. I told the Exec. Director months ago, that I really wanted to cut back on my counseling hours because it is too hard for me to counsel women facing unplanned pregnancies, women who are wanting abortions etc., well...my counseling hours have NOT been cut back and have actually just increased because she has been ill. I know that my services there are much needed and that I have obligated myself to be there, but it is just becoming too much. I already work 50 hours a week at my job, then I am at the womens center every Tuesday evening counseling. I get phone calls every day either when I am at work or when I am at home, I get 5-10 emails every day and things are ALWAYS in a constant state of change there which makes training (which is what I am supposed to be in charge of) VERY difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out there.

Pace and I have started going back to church thanks to my dear friend Grace and her husband. I am so glad to be back. I cry every Sunday, without fail, but for some reason, it helps. I am still angry with God, I don't know when I will get over that, but at least I am at a point where I can tell him that I am angry with him. I am at least communicating with him at this point.

I am just in a very tough season right now. I feel very lost, and feel like my mind and my heart are just full of turmoil. I just want to go to some distant island and stay there until next spring.

I am still going to the gym and LOVING it! For the first time in my life I am actually enjoying working out! - See...there is a positive thing. I am not completely Little Miss Negative!

Aren't you glad I started writing again? You all missed my depressing antics didn't you?


Inconceivable said...

YES I MISSED YOU! I am glad you posted an update. (although i am sad that you are feeling off-kilter. I may be wrong for this but i beleive its 100% totally A- O.K to be mad at God and tell him. You are right, It is communication and it is how you feel - you are entitled to your feelings. SO i say Bring it on ... God is a big God and he can handle it!! Blessings - Farah

Emily said...

Glad to hear your update...sorry things aren't going so well right now, but continue to pray...you're in my prayers!

Mommy-To-A-Miracle said...

Nichole ~ You may not feel like you are a part of any "group" now, but you are. You will always be a part of my board no matter where you are in your journey.
I know you are at a stand still with a new home in the works, but know that we miss you.
Your dream of being a mommy will come true, I know it. It took 11 1/2 years to get mine to come true. Miracles DO happen :)

Hang in there, keep your head up and please DON'T let IF beat you!!


Dreamer4agift said...

I have been waiting to read more from you! Glad you updated. I'm sorry you're having a "negative" time right now, but you're in my prayers...While I'm still angry with God, I, too, finally came to the point of at least talking to him again. At least we know that God can handle whatever we have to say, emotions and all. He's not like friends that don't understand so they say the wrong thing. Good luck with finding a new house. And btw, you're still part of a friendship group, you do belong, even when things are on hold...Stay strong. You know where to go when you need help standing on your own.

LJ said...

I missed you too!

Sorry about the wait, but I'm glad you're loving the gym. It gets addictive.