Thursday, July 05, 2007

Birthday Blues

This week has been a tough one. (and it isn't even over yet)

First of all, I had a birthday. I remember when birthdays were fun, when you actually looked forward to them. The last two birthdays have just been painful reminders of one more birthday without kids. One more year to add onto the Trying To Conceive marathon. One more year of failed treatments. All three of my sisters waited until they were 27 or 28 to have kids so they think I am a little crazy for trying so soon in my life. They think 27 is the magical number to have kids. Maybe. For them. But when they wanted to have kids, they just tried for a couple of months and then poof! They were pregnant. Not so for me. I am so scared that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am 28 and the "magical" year for having kids has past me by. Meanwhile, my sisters continue to have children and totally lap me AGAIN on the baby making track.

*Although I MUST say that my husband has been AWESOME to me this birthday! He has really pampered me and totally spoiled me rotten! (I LOVE IT!)

Secondly, I received a call from my mom yesterday to let me know that my aunt was put in a home and is on Hospice care right now. They aren't expecting her to make it through the end of the week. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. That is it. She had no clue she had cancer until about 4 or 5 weeks ago. That is all the warning she (we) had. She tried to fight in the beginning and we thought she was going to beat this, but then last week she got VERY ill and has been in the hospital since. She doesn't know where she is and is very confused. She told my brother that she is just ready to give up. She is in too much pain to keep trying.

This is the same woman who (other than giving birth to her kids) has NEVER been in the hospital. She was the care taker of the family and was such a firecracker! It has been a devastating blow to my family and especially my father. He loves his sister so much!

Thirdly, Pace and I are throwing a birthday party for his little sister. She just turned 2, so we spent the majority of yesterday shopping for her gifts, party treats, birthday cake, Dora The Explorer hats, plates, napkins, banners, etc. I purposely avoid the baby section of any store, but I couldn't avoid it yesterday. We shopped for little girl toys, little girl was heartbreaking.

I thought I had been doing so well recently, but yesterday really just set me back. I know that I will be fine on Saturday cause I absolutely love Pace's little sister and it is going to bring me such joy to throw her a birthday party, it is just the planning and shopping that is getting to me.

You know that little voice that says "You should be doing this for your own kid, if you had gotten pregnant when you first started trying you would be planning YOUR child's second birthday"? Well, that damn voice just won't go away. I am hoping that a stiff drink tonight will at least drown her a little bit.


AwkwardMoments said...

YUCK, yuck and more YUCK! I am very sorry about your birthday, aunt and party planning. My husband as a 3 yr old sister (on july 26). BOY can i relate to that voice in your head. I think I have that same voice that reminds me often and negatively. I will be 31 in 10 days. Talk about that magically number.... I I am still waiting for someone to call my ticket as well. Hang in there girl, You are NOT alone!!

RBandRC said...

Hey! I've been lurking on your blog for a while, but I wanted to respond about going into your second birthday while still trying. I'm a month away from that as well, and it is just daunting. Everyone else I know is pregnant or already had there baby, and yet here we remain. I hope this year brings you something more. You are definitely not alone. :)

Natalie said...

I hate birthdays now. I used to pride myself as someone who loved birthdays, who didn't care about getting older, and now they're just horrible days/weeks that remind you where you thought you'd be and how old you really could be if it ever happens. Happy belated, and good for you on at least fighting the voice - throwing a party for someone else's kid is a really really strong and generous thing to do.

C said...

Gee, what a crappy week you've had, huh? I'm so sorry. It's horrible to lose someone, especially when you feel you've had no time to prepare...I felt that way when I lost my best friend. I'm sure you'll do fine at the party, especially since you like his sister. But I totally agree with trying to avoid the baby sections. I am 27, and to me, that's not a magical number. I thought 25 would be, but alas, it came and went. So, don't listen to your sisters as far as what age is the magical one to have kids. If I knew it'd take this long, I would've started a long time ago. I turn 28 in 2 wks and I hate that I'm getting older and not able to experience being young, with enery to share with my kids. Keep your head up, girl, you're in my prayers. Stay strong, someone's thinking of you and is in your corner.

Anonymous said...

What a rough week! Birthdays are really hard while dealing with infertility. But happy birthday anyway. : )

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I remember thinking I would be done having kids by the time I was 30! Hah! My birthay is coming up in Nov and even if I got pregnant today, I'd still be 32 when I give birth. Hang in there, It will happen!