Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Well Said My Friend!

I read a post this morning that rang SO true to me. I just had to immediately get on and write. If you would like to read the post that inspired this one, please click here. I have had comments (on line and in person) from people that question why we haven't done IVF yet, I mean you have been trying for over 4 years...what are you waiting for?

It seems that some people in the IF community compare notes and try to "one-up" the next IF couple. For example, some people judge the "level of infertility" on what treatments people have gone through. Due to the fact that Pace and I have never done IVF, some people do not consider us as infertile as the couple that has been trying for 2 years and have done 2 IVF's.

Others judge the "level of infertility" on time. We have been trying for 4+ years, so does that make us more infertile than those who have only been trying for 2? NO

Well here is what I have to say to that: Everyone has there own level of infertility pain. It doesn't matter where we are in the journey, we are infertile, no level of treatment or time makes us more or less infertile than the other. There are many people out there who have done IVF that aren't IF. So what does that mean? Why do so many have this sense of being the "top infertile dog?" It really upsets me. I am glad that Pace and I are taking our time and going through each step possible (even though we are taking different steps than many other people would choose) because that is the best route for us. We aren't doing IVF and we have multiple reasons why. This is a personal decision that does not have any bearing on "how" infertile we are.

Still being at the "Clo.mid" level (even after 3 failed IUI's and over 4 years of trying) doesn't make us any less infertile, it doesn't make us any more infertile and it certainly does not mean that we want a baby any less than those going through IVF or other more invasive treatments.


Amanda said...

Big (((Hugs))) my friend!
Thank you for your lovely words (about my post and the topic in general).

A said...

I totally agree with you and the original poster!! In a variation on the theme, I think it is also kind of hurtful/unfortunate (from personal experience) when people who go through IVF imply that there is no reason to hope that any "less" treatment will be the key to success! We haven't done any ART yet at all (just going to the RE for the first time tomorrow after trying 2.5 years), but why can't I hope just as much as the next person?

the misfit said...

Wow, that's a little nuts. Most of the people I know who don't do IVF, don't do for ethical or financial reasons. They certainly didn't have a doctor tell them, "You're not infertile enough for IVF. Stick with this instead." How silly. On the other hand, I *do* acknowledge some elevated veteran status for those who've had multiple IVFs (though I'm opposed to IVF myself, I understand that's some serious pain), and I recognize some sort of maybe further endurance for those who've been ttc substantially longer than I have (we're almost at 4 years, so the folks at 6 plus - I tip my hat to you. It will be me someday too, but it's just a lot to endure). I also confess, and I'm not proud of this, that IFers at 18 months - well, I sort of think of them as novices, sometimes. I was diagnosable at six months (because of severe endo), but even at twelve, I didn't consider myself a hardcore suffering infertile, just slow, and sad. Even at eighteen months, I just figured I needed to be patient. I was wrong, of course, but I felt like I had to languish here for years before it became enmeshed forever with my identity.

My own judgmental behavior aside, however, that's sort of how I parse things out. That does NOT mean one-upsmanship is cool. Good grief, this is not a contest. Where would I be if I could only seek solidarity from those with the same treatment plan, or the same diagnosis, or the same time ttc? Nowhere.

(Ooh...long comment.)

Jess said...

Thanks for your sweet comment! I hope you guys have a great time!

P.S. I Miss You...maybe we could hang out sometime? :)

Chhandita said...

I have felt this. We tried for 17 months before we concieved. Doc suggested IUI, DH and I were not interested so we started adoption process. But no, it didnt make those 17 months any easier. We were unexplained, that definitely didnt make things any easier. It hurts when my pain is made to feel less than others.