Thursday, December 03, 2009

A very low post

My blogger friends, I need to be lifted up today. I am struggling, I am stressed and I am hurting.

This time, only a small amount of that is related to IF. To break it all down in a very short but sweet way, I am losing my job. The company that I work for is going out of business. There is an 85% chance my company will not survive the next 3 months. I have worked for this company for 9 years. These people are my family, they are my friends. This job has meant financial security for us while Pace is building his career and that is all being stripped away from us.

Right when we were ready to jump back in the treatment or adoption wagon. So that is now put on hold which devastates me. I have always been a firm believer that you can't put stuff off because you never know what the future will bring. So now after an over 6 month break of TTC, we are ready to start trying again and now we have no money or financial security to do it.

I am sad, but really just kind of numb. I thought that winning the home study was a sign of what 2010 was going to bring. Now, I am not so sure. I am trying to not be all doom and gloom, I am looking for work, I am sending out my resume in hopes of finding something as good if not better. However, I am a realist and I know what the job market is here.

On top of all of that my mother in law has fallen on some very hard times right now and Pace is the only relation she has near her, so we are preparing ourselves for having to take some financial responsibility over her and her 4 year old daughter. (like them possibly having to move in with us) They have lived with us before and all I can say is it was very difficult.

All of these things have been very tough on our marriage, finances, TTC, family issues I just feel incredibly down right now. I try to be a good person, I try to be a good friend, daughter, wife and sister, so I don't understand why God continues to test me. Over and over and over again I feel like a crash test dummy that continues to be put in the car and slammed into a brick wall.

I just need a break. I want to run home to my mom and dad and have them tell me that everything is going to be ok. I want to stay with them for a while and just feel the comfort and security of being home.


Mitzie said...

Hello Nichole,

I've never commented on your blog but have been reading it for the last few months when I stumbled on to it. I just wanted to say, hang in there. Believe me when I say, I know what a crappy year this has been and what it's like to be tested and tested over again. Just when you think things get better and you advance 2-3 steps in life, you get pushed back 4-5 more steps. I always wondered why it was that I (who consider myself to be a good person) would get tested like that, but who am I to question God's logic? I just hope that these hard times are rewarded by sweet rewards in the future. So, if it's one more test that I have to chug through - so be it. Keep positive and remember that you will get your sweet reward in the end. Lord knows, we've earned them! Take it one day at a time and no matter how bad things get, you'll get through them.

Good luck on the job hunt and everything else in life!

- Mitzie

April Dietz said...

Nichole, I'm sorry you're at this place right now. It happened similarly to us two years ago, the doctors gave up on us having children and I found out my boss (my job was contractually tied to his) was leaving all within days of Christmas, and we had just bought a house a couple months earlier because of my job/boss. It was the first real time in life where I suffered depression and had that "numb" feeling for a couple months. What a weird feeling to be hurting, numb, and completely uncertain about the future for a moderately extended amount of time.

We did actually call my husband's mom and told her to come. We needed a "mom" and she had always said she'd come if we ever needed her. It was hard to make that phone call and ask her to come, that we needed her visit, but it was good.

It's good you are communicating this, even if it's hard. One gift of being a Christian is that if you are struggling and don't know how to pray or trust, we'll pray for you.

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Hugs and prayers to you.

Leslee said...

I hope & pray things get better for yall & you find a new job soon.

I'm so sorry this is happening to yall.

Jill said...

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such hard times. It always seems that the difficulties pile on top of each other, making everything worse.

A while ago we felt lost with a job I hated but was about to lose, zero financial security, a serious health issue for my husband, and doubts about both our career paths hanging over our heads. We were starting to plan to move all the way back to the midwest to my parents house b/c we had no idea what to do. I had wanted to start our family at that time too and I knew it had to be put off. We did a lot of praying and things finally turned around.

I can only say that once the hard times pass the other side feels like such a relief. I didn't even realize how depressed I had gotten until things got better.

I truly hope the rainbow at the end of your storm comes soon and that you and your husband can weather it together. Best of luck!

Nikki said...

Hi Nichole,

I am so sorry you are facing such troubled times. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Pace as you figure out the next steps.

What kind of work do you do? I can try and help you with your job search if you want me to. I would be happy to help in any way I can.


Anna said...

Oh girl, I will be praying that things begin to work themselves out. I know what it's like to feel like you're at the lowest of the low, and there's not much I can say to help. Just know that others are thinking about you and praying for you.

J said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear about your job and about Pace's mom. The only good thing...being with E and I know that is the only good thing!

Maybe this is a good thing...when one door closes, another will open! I'll say a prayer for you and I hope you find a job soon. I know how much you loved your job, and I'm truly sorry to hear they are going out of business.

Hang in there if you need anything.

Anonymous said...

Oh honey.

Was excited to see a blog post from you but then saddened to hear of your struggles.

I hope you manage to find another job, you only need one so I have faith one will show itself.

Big hugs my friend

Dana said...

hey girl! I am soooo sorry about your job! You are always in my prayers and in my heart! Try to hang in there and I know you will b/c you are one of the strongest ppl I know!!! Sending U tons of hugs!!! Love U!!!!

addingtothepack said...

I am so sorry that everything is crashing down right now. It doesn't sound like you have much reason to be optimistic about the outcome(s), but I hope that things start to look up soon. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

Hillary said...

Those are a lot of blows, and I am soooo sorry. I'm so sorry about your job, finances, infertility, and family drama. I am praying for you and thinking of you.

Kate said...


I am so very sorry that you are facing so many challenges right now.

Please know that you are in my thoughts.

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

Oh, love I know the last thing you want to have to do is take in S. and have to go through all that again. I remember you telling me different things abt when they were with yall before. You know what I dont get is people want to be grown ups but then they cant follow through. I know you are stressing about the job issue and trying to find a new one, but try and keep a positive look out, that is all you can do. as crappy as it sounds i know but jared always tells me that everything will work out and the more I worry the worse it gets. so try not to worry and keep your chin up. You never know what God has in store for us. Love you and miss you and wish I had more to say to make you feel better, im so sorry that thing countinue to go in circles.

LJ said...

I'm so sorry you've got all of this on your plate without what you want in your home. Just sending you a little hug.