Anytime I need to be lifted up...you all are there and I can't tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of your comments!
I took a little time for myself last night and that really helped. My dear friend "K" is probably one of the funniest people I know. We have only been friends for a little less than a year, but we feel like we have known each other for years. The best part about her, she makes me laugh. No matter how crappy I may be feeling, she always makes me laugh. She lifts me up and shows me that the least I can do for myself is enjoy a good laugh when life is pooping on me.
So last night we went to a paddle auction for Prin.cess House. It was a lot of fun. K and I were the youngest there, but we both won some stuff and laughed until we cried. One thing you have to know about K is that she and her husband have no children. They have not tried to have kids and don't plan on trying in the near future. She has had some issues and isn't even sure if she will be able to have kids a this point. So they have one dog and two horses that are their "children".
So, at the auction the funniest/most awkward/most exhilarating moment came when they started handing out random tickets. So the lady would say, if you are wearing red...you get 2 tickets, if you have a dog...you get 3 tickets and so on. Then...the inevitable came: If you have sons...give yourself one ticket for each - this is where it got interesting - here is how the dialogue went
Lady: If you have sons, give yourself 1 ticket for each
K: What about male pets?
Lady: Sorry, no pets...we will do pets later
K: Well what about those of us that can't have kids
K: My pets are my children, I think they should count
Lady: sorry, we will do pets later
Lady: Ok, I love my son, but daughters are sweeter, so give yourself 3 tickets for each daughter you have (all the fertiles in the room squeal with delight and are overjoyed at their overabundance of children)
K: Do you have tickets for infertiles?
Lady: *silence* awkward look in our direction
K: What about those who can't have children?
Lady: *silence* even more awkward looks
(meanwhile I am almost peeing my pants because K is totally making this woman and other women in the room totally uncomfortable and I am LOVING THIS!)
K: I think those of us without children should get 10 tickets
Lady: *silence* Okay moving on...our next item.....
I almost had to be excused. I can't explain why I got such pleasure in the public exposure of my infertility, I guess it was very freeing to have someone just lay it out there instead of playing into the taboo of "we can't talk about it, it's uncomfortable" It helped me get through the uncomfortableness of not having kids, and I got a good laugh about it.
Then I get home and hopped on Face.book (of course to farm my Farm.ville farm because that is my reprieve) and I had a message from a woman I met at the infertility support group meeting and have kept in contact with her since. She sent me a message to let me know that she had some leftover meds and she wanted to donate them to me so if we decide to proceed with treatment next year, I will already have the meds. YAY!!!!! I love free meds!
I have had no bites on the job market, but I am going to really hit it hard this weekend and send out as many resumes as I can. There still has been no "official" announcement from the owners of my company, so I have no freaking clue what is really going on.
Lord, I know you have a plan for me, and I know you are testing me right now, not to make me stress, and worry but to teach me to have faith in you and to believe that you will take care of me because that is what you have promised. Lord, you are testing me in all of my weakest areas and I am trying so hard to "let go and let God" but it is very difficult for me. Please be patient with me and show me the way you want me to walk. I am lost Lord and I need your lighthouse to direct my way. Please allow me to see the lighthouse soon as I am tired Lord. So tired. Amen