Thursday, September 25, 2008

What the Frick and Frack?

Per my last post, I emailed my Dr. to see if I should start taking Prov.era to bring on AF. I was hoping that she would say "yes...absolutely start the Pro.vera" However, that is not what she said. She told me to wait a couple more weeks and if AF hadn't shown by then, to give her a call. This just pissed me off.

I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?

So here I sit on CD42.

Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?

So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.

Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????

My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?

I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).

So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.



Earl Gearl said...

This whole process is so frustrating. I wish I could give you some kind of definite answer, but there isn't one. Big hugs.

Dreamer4agift said...

I'm sorry you're even having to deal with any of this. I can understand why you would feel the pressure to hurry up and try with this cycle. If I may give my a$$vice? If this means you're O'ing, let this cycle go on by. Your body needs to heal and it still needs to, even if you feel like it's all good. Plus, I hate to use the whole "just relax" phrase, so I won't, but if you're putting all this pressure on yourself to be pg at c-mas, well, it can't be healthy for you. I DO get it though, and I'd probably feel the same way. So, it's easy for me to give that advice when it's not happening to me.
In the end, do what you and dh thinks is the best for the two of YOU. You are def. in my thoughts and prayers and I'm glad you've been updating so much lately:-)

Darya said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this sweetie. There is so much waiting with IF. It sucks.

Now, please trust your RE. He/she has your best interest in mind and knows it's best for you to heal after what you've been through to create an ideal environment for your next try. Try to think of it this way- you have 2 more tries before Christmas!! Hopefully you won't even need the 2nd one but take comfort in the fact the Christmas chase isn't over for at least 2 good cycles.

Hope2morrow said...

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to conceive by Christmas. Time, my dear. Time.