Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Silent One

I am writing this blog as a response to a comment I received today on my blog. I don't believe I have ever gotten a comment from this person before and she put a lot of information that I feel the need to respond to in her comment. So - The Silent One, I hope you read this and that you will get a better grasp on who I am and what this blog is about after reading this post.

I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.

Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.

I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.

God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.

remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.

I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.

Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.

PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.

You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.

ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.

I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.

it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.

I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.

Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.

I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!

Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!


Teri said...

(((Hugs, Nichole))) However well-intentioned your "Silent" reader may be, it's quite obvious they've never walked an inch in your shoes, let alone a mile...have her come over to my blog and read the posts from about a year ago when I was cursing God's name for my failed IVF cycle, or two years ago when I first realized that things weren't working out the way that we had planned...

I truly DO believe that God meets you where you are...there are times when we can lift up His name & there are times when He's the one doing all of the lifting for us...I think in the end, we all even things out. I'm so sorry you had to hear such harsh words.

~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Nichole, I just have to say....


You accepted that post and replied with such dignity and calmness, something I could never have done.

Fertiles make me giggle at their apparent belief that they understand what we are going through, I'm sorry guys but seriously you have NO freakin idea and until you're faced with what we've faced....IMO you have no right to comment.

I will happily put my hand up and admit that I have NO belief in God and like it is your right to believe in God, it's mine not too and to be honest its reasons like 10 years of unsuccessful ttc while others who really shouldn't be parents get knocked up so easily, why I don't believe.

I was frustrated reading your post today because of all the God and religious references, it's a pet hate how people bring God up in relation to infertility BUT I have enough respect to allow others their beliefs and only wish others did too....

Again I think you handled your reply beautifully and hope this post hasn't come across as mean or anything because it's not, I suppose I just wanted to back you up a bit!


Dana said...

It drives me crazy that you even have to deal with that comment. But I must say my did and excellent job ;D I just wanted you to know that I do read your blog and I do see your heart!! God loves you so much and you are on His path. I just want to give you the biggest HUG!

I am so mad at this silent one messes with one of my sisters!!! okay I am going to try to get it together.

roseann said...

Wow, there is someone who does not have a clue nor do they get it. It's funny how people mean well and come off sounding really judgmental and in no way can they relate but they try and sound foolish in the end. I understand and I can relate! Hugs To You :) I hope you have a nice weekend.

Jess said...

I believe my faith is very strong, and I am a woman of God, but even I sit back at times and think wtf??? Why is she pregnant (my brother's gf) and not me? Me who has my shit together, me who is married...the list could go on but like you I have faith and I know God has a plan. Silent One has never been in our shoes, Silent One never felt so much love after seeing the words pregnant on a white stick, and I hope she never goes through that. I hope she doesn't find Mr. Right to find out she can't have a baby with, she will never understand. Judging someone like us easy but walking in our shoes is the hard part.

I have known you for a long time, and I know how grateful you are, I have seen how much you adore Pace and appreciate him, and I have seen you cry out to God. This person only sees what you write, she doesn't know you nor is she lucky enough to know you. Forget her Nichole!

I think asking the Dr. about Clomid is a great idea. I can't wait to see you with a big fat belly!

Dreamer4agift said...

I think that sometimes ppl misunderstand our blogs b/c we tend to speak most when we are hurting...after all, it's our way to release. So, it comes off as selfish or whatever else to those who've never been in our shoes. I know that I tend to write when I'm in a bad place. If I didn't write it out, I would explode. Thankfully, most readers get that.

I believe that God meets us where we are. He sees, hears, and knows us, even if he doesn't choose to grant us immediate satisfaction when we ask for it. The thing is, if we didn't show our anger or frustration, and only spoke of rainbows and butterflies while going through IF...well, we'd be liars...and THAT is not "christian." Why pretend all is happy-go-lucky when God already knows it's not?

I believe we go through things, as Christians, that we won't understand (maybe never), but that help us grow. They challenge us, mold us, and make us look down to the very core of who we are and what we believe. There's nothing wrong with admitting we're in a dark place.

You know I've been reading and supporting for a long time now and I will say that it has been obvious how much you and Pace love each other AND how much you are striving to trust God despite the cards you've been dealt. You're doing the best with what you've been given...and I believe that b/c of that, you will be blessed in ways you never knew possible.

Thank you for sharing (in such an eloquent, mature, and "christian" way) this post. You are an amazing woman who touches more ppl than you realize.


Jess said...

I'm glad it meant a lot to you...I meant it all! :)

Your MIL is a trip along with my mom...oh by the way, she wants to solidify her relationship with my dad and have a baby! brother's gf and my mom are going to have babies before me and both need to wear straight jackets in my opinion, lol!

Lauren said...

Hi, Nichole. Just read your post and I wanted to send some support. I can see that Silent One is trying to help, but we all need to realize that this life is a journey. Every day brings a new challenge in trying to give up our own nature and looking towards His will. It's never easy. We live under grace, and God knows right where you're at every second. He will work with you! Keep doing what you're doing. You're OK, girl! :)

Carrie said...

Nichole- I'm really sorry it came across so as to cause you to have to explain any of your writings... This is YOUR blog and I obviously read it because your story touched my heart.

I had no ill intensions and I never meant to get you to have to defend any of your words. I'm truly sorry that you needed to do that.

I don't think I made it clear enough... I have endo AND have no hubby to try to have kids with. I have 3 sisters and 2 have fertility issues and I'm soooo fearful that I'll be single and infertile forever (which is why your story touches me)

That leads me to just reiterating a few little things- not argue. The separation of your religious beliefs was kind of my point...God uses our trials to bring good out of the situation and when I see the frustration, I feel sad that you're going thru it. I mean, I can't even imagine what you're dealing with and I truly do understand that this forum is a place where you should be sage to express it "all" and again, I'm really sorry It seemed like I was calling you a spoiled brat.

From reading your posts- I can honestly say I have never ONCE thought that.

I do feel that pausing and taking a deep breathe and some time to enjoy the rewards of your current life (It is MORE that obvious that you LOVE Pace w/ all your heart and same for him.

I attended a support group with my infertile sister for a while and I probably began feeling infertile since I have no idea if the problem will plague me as well as them. Still- not remotely the same thing!

One thing I learned from the group was to stop and enjoy where you are.

Perhaps if I had confirmed I was infertile, my message would have been received a little more like support and encouraging words to strive towards. :(

Nichole, again, I'm sorry I upset you and came across as judging. I wish I could say more about some of the things I said but I don't think it would help. The whole point of my post was to remind you that God is there and His plan is already in action and well- keep looking to him.

I read some of the post comments from others and think that the judgement passed on me for not walking in your shoes is somewhat unfair. I have my own sorrows and things so many others have no clue about and I have to desperately recognize the power God has to give/take and what i have to do to get thru it... curse him and get on with it... which you always do soooo well! :)

I promise not to post again as I never-ever- meant to upset you and cause you to rethink your feelings- just where/how you direct them.

In the most love one can have for a stranger...

One last thing... this is not the first time I've posted- just first time I've used any name... I have posted many many times with prayers and other comments anonymously--- because my heart breaks for you. I don't even know you and I have cried (wept even) in prayer for you and Pace.

Why? can't tell you... but your struggle means something to me.