I am writing this blog as a response to a comment I received today on my blog. I don't believe I have ever gotten a comment from this person before and she put a lot of information that I feel the need to respond to in her comment. So - The Silent One, I hope you read this and that you will get a better grasp on who I am and what this blog is about after reading this post.
I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.
Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.
I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.
God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.
remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.
I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.
Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.
PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.
You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.
ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.
I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.
it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.
I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.
Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.
I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!
Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!