Friday, March 13, 2009

Always an aunt - never a mom

I am an aunt again.

My sister gave birth to Trinity Ann this morning. Both mom and baby are happy and healthy.

My heart is broken.

All I could think about last night is that she is in the hospital about to be blessed with the most amazing gift that I SO desperately want! It was also a HUGE reminder that I should be next. One sister had her baby in February, now one in March and I was due in April. On Easter Sunday to be exact.

I can't stop thinking about where I should be right now.
I should be doing the finishing touches on the nursery.
I should be finalizing plans to have my parents out here for a week to help with the new baby.
I should be making arrangements to be off work for a while.
I should be having my own baby showers.
I should be preparing my bag to have ready by the door for "go-time"

But I'm not.

I am here trying anything and everything I can to maintain my composure, to look happy, to sound happy and to live life to the best of my ability.

I am just down today.

I love my sisters dearly, but this is now the 4th niece/nephew since I have been trying for my own child. Both of my sisters have had 2 children each since I have been trying for one. It isn't fair and I am pissed.

I am throwing a pity party today and I am giving myself permission to do so. I know the party won't last long, but I am going to enjoy it while it is here. I am going to be mad and sad and brokenhearted and depressed and sulky and pouty and I am not going to feel bad about it.


Hope said...

Your title is heartbreaking to see - the "never a mom" really got to me. I really really hope that your post's title does not stay true forever. It is so frustrating the lack of control and uncertainty about if/when you will become a mom too. And I'm sure that frustration becomes heartbreaking as others close to you become moms twice over. You should definately not allow yourself to feel bad about what you are feeling - I would feel exactly the same way. Go ahead and feel your feelings and I will be here to empathize.

babydust81 said...

Hey babe,

It is never easy when someone close to you and someone you love is having/have what you so badly wants. I truly understand how you feels. Enjoy your party. But please never believe that you will never be a mom. Someday... Someday you and I will be a mom... It is just the timing that is not right. I cant say for sure when the right timing will be. But I believe and trust that one day things will start going our way.

Dreamer4agift said...

There is NO need to feel bad for having a pity deserve it, and it's understandable. It doesn't mean you're not happy for your family, but you do have the right to be sad and angry and feel like things are not fair...b/c they aren't.

I'm sorry you're having a down day. Know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending virtual hugs and ice cream:-)

Nikki said...

Hugs to you Nichole. Of course you're entitled to your pity party, and don't even try and make it a short one. You're going through a tremendous lot, and it's only natural.

We're all here for you, and I really hope that we all get to "graduate" from Aunt to Mom one day. I really hope so........

Jess said...

I am really sorry Nichole! Once again...I know how you are feeling. My brother just announced that his gf is pregnant (two days before my big surgery) and my mom decided to tell me a few hours after surgery.

I am glad you joined a support group. I think it will be really great for you two, and I hope you find the peace that you need.

I'm sorry that things are different...but I really do wish the best for you guys!

momsoon said...

I understand and feel your pain...
I know all too well what it is like to go to the mat ward (you can read about it on one of my posts, where they had us dress the older kids in "big brother/sister' t-shirts) and hold back the emotions that well up. I know what it is like to bite the trembling lip as you paste a smile on and secretly think of how old yours would have been as you watch your loved one experience the joy of ushering in another child.
I know what it is like to want something so badly it hurts and to feel powerless over obtaining it.
I am sorry.
I hope our time is soon and the ache turns into joy. I will bbe sending you prayers and support along the way.
I try and meditate on God's bounty when others seem to get something that i want--it helps me.May help you?? Peace. xox

I Believe in Miracles said...

No words. It is hard.

Erica said...

Ugh, how heartbreaking! My cousin is like a second sister to me - she has two girls now. They call me Aunt Erica. I want someone to call me Mom. My sister in law is now expecting too. So I feel you on being "another aunt." It's got to be our time sooner or later, one way or another.

Does this pity party serve drinks?

Bec said...

Hope you are doing okay hon xxx