I am an aunt again.
My sister gave birth to Trinity Ann this morning. Both mom and baby are happy and healthy.
My heart is broken.
All I could think about last night is that she is in the hospital about to be blessed with the most amazing gift that I SO desperately want! It was also a HUGE reminder that I should be next. One sister had her baby in February, now one in March and I was due in April. On Easter Sunday to be exact.
I can't stop thinking about where I should be right now.
I should be doing the finishing touches on the nursery.
I should be finalizing plans to have my parents out here for a week to help with the new baby.
I should be making arrangements to be off work for a while.
I should be having my own baby showers.
I should be preparing my bag to have ready by the door for "go-time"
But I'm not.
I am here trying anything and everything I can to maintain my composure, to look happy, to sound happy and to live life to the best of my ability.
I am just down today.
I love my sisters dearly, but this is now the 4th niece/nephew since I have been trying for my own child. Both of my sisters have had 2 children each since I have been trying for one. It isn't fair and I am pissed.
I am throwing a pity party today and I am giving myself permission to do so. I know the party won't last long, but I am going to enjoy it while it is here. I am going to be mad and sad and brokenhearted and depressed and sulky and pouty and I am not going to feel bad about it.