Monday, March 09, 2009

People Shmeople

Last weekend I wasn't feeling well. I went home from work early and parked on the couch. Upon my arrival back at work this morning, I was asked if I was feeling better to which I responded "yes thank you I am feeling much better" Then my co-worker says to me "Was it morning sickness?"

Now please keep in mind that I am an open person when it comes to my infertility and my miscarriage. I work for a very small company and most of the people I work with know about my struggles (this particular co-worker is one of them). They know the short basics, they know we have been trying for 4 years, they know that I had a miscarriage in August and they know about my surgery for endo.

So I am left wondering what goes people's minds when they ask me a question like this? What made my co-worker think that it was ok for him to ask me this question? Over the last 4 years I have probably been asked this question 100 times. Every sniffle, tummy trouble, headache, or hang over I have, I get asked "is it morning sickness?"

Don't they know what this does to me?

1. It reminds me in a very uncomfortable way that I am infertile.
2. It feels as if someone is sticking a dagger in my heart.
3. It makes me have to choke back tears and try to remain somewhat composed.
4. It makes me ANGRY!

I mean EXCUSE ME!!!! IF it were morning sickness, I definitely would not announce my miracle pregnancy in that manner! I can see the conversation now:

Me: I didn't do a whole lot this weekend because I wasn't feeling well

Them: Oh - is it morning sickness?

Me: Actually Yes! (bells start ringing and chimes start signing) Congratulations you guessed my tummy trouble correctly. I'm pregnant! Lets step behind door number 3 to see just what you have won!

It is ridiculous what people ask - as if it's any of their business. It isn't just this question either - there is:
"How many kids do you have?"
"How long have you been married? And you don't have any kids?"
"When are you going to make your parents proud grandparents?"
"Why don't you have any kids yet?"
"Where are your kids?"
"Is it you...or him?"

Trust me I could go on and on. Then there are the comments that make me want to rip out my hair and scream until I literally burst my vocal cords:
"You should just relax - then you will get pregnant"
"You should start the adoption process, a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and as soon as they started the adoption process BAM they got pregnant."
"You should just adopt - there are so many unwanted children out there that need a family"
"You should go on a vacation and forget all about it - then you will get pregnant."
"You should just stop trying - a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and then they decided to stop trying all together. 4 months later they got pregnant."
"You are lucky - kids are such hard work"
"You just wait until you have kids - then you will see what I mean"

I really could go on all day. I have 4 years worth of insensitive, hurtful and untrue questions, comments and assvice.

I think the next time this particular co-worker is out ill, upon his return I will ask him if he was out ill due to hemm.oroids or a vasectomy. I know that they are all just trying to be nice and supportive, but most of the time, unless they have experienced infertility/miscarriage themselves they are being the exact opposite of nice and supportive.

I guess I just need to not tell ANYONE when I am not feeling well and just ask the Lord to forgive them for they know not what they do.


~*~Bodhi~*~ said...

Nah hon, next time he is out sick, you should ask him if it was morning sickness upon his return. If he asks why you asked him that, just say, well it seems if I'm off sick you immediately think that, so I just presumed thats what we asked everyone if they'd had a sick day?


I hear ya on the comments....after about 6 years, I just started ignoring them or replying with "what business is it of yours?" or some really outrageous statement that leaves them scratching their heads!!!


Hoping for our own Peanut said...

ugh. all those "helpful" comment everyone wants to give are beyond obnoxious. we just have to remember, fertiles came be dumb sometimes. ;)

Fashionably Infertile said...

Thank you for following my blog. I just thoroughly enjoyed your Honest Scraps and this post. I was able to relate to every single insensitive comment you listed. Its sad because they break my heart. Good luck finding your surge by the way ;)

D said...

Hey there - I found your blog through Chronicalsofaniffashionista blog and I just had to comment on this post. Thought I hate to see anyone else is going through this misery, it's so f-ing great to know that someone else feels the same way I do. I've been going through TTC and treatment for 3 years and I get the same stupid comments and "assvice" (GREAT!), so you're not alone. Vent to me anytime. My blog is though it hasn't been updated in a while - you inspired me to start writing again!

Best wishes to you.

babydust81 said...

Oh my GOD!!!. How insensitive can someone be? That is ridiculous. Just bcoz u are sick doesnt mean you are pregnant. I used to get that in my previous workplace.

In my new workplace, they dont know I dont have kids after so long coz I still look young to some of them... So I am safe. Can finally be sick in private. Hehehe...

We are so close to each other. Hope we can cycle together. Then we will be able to encourage each other. You take care... I love reading your entries. So truthful.

~thesilentone~ said...

Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have....

I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life...

I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...

However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- ask God what he wants from you.. I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...

in any case, I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him!

lots of hugs your way...