Tuesday, September 15, 2009

S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G.

I am struggling friends. As I have previously mentioned, work is VERY stressful right now. Some days I just wish they would shut the damn doors so I could just move on. I hate this limbo crap of not knowing what the hell my future looks like. I guess after infertility I should be used to this feeling but darn it, I'm not.

My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.

I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.

I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.

I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.

So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.

Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.

Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.

So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)

I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.

4 comments:

The Unproductive One said...

Oh honey I'm right there with you, we can hold hands and not be ok together!

My heart feels like it's been ripped out, stomped on, spit on and shredded to pieces too.

I'm so sorry that you can understand where I'm coming from re my latest post about BikerMans comments, I'm sure he said it to try and distract me from the date but all it did was put a dagger through my heart, I'm sorry you've had to feel something similar.

Much love my friend
xxxxxxx

Hillary said...

I wish there was something I could do or say...but just know we all have days and seasons like this in the midst of our IF journeys. And I hear you, the WAITING is so hard.

((hugs))
makingmemom.blogspot.com

Amanda said...

Sorry I can't do anything to help. That NA adoption option sounds like a great idea! I hope you find a way to feel like you are moving forward soon.

the misfit said...

I think these are great ideas! One of the most profoundly obnoxious things about IF is that you wait (and wait, and wait) for the privilege of further waiting. It's like some British comedy sketch about the DMV. On acid. I've had an easier time with this, I think, because a large period of my waiting was rebellion - I REFUSED to seek medical intervention. It put more years on the clock, but I had a bit of power and that still warms my miserable little heart. But I still don't enjoy the "wait for an appointment so we can schedule you to wait for a diagnostic procedure so you can wait weeks to hear your results so you can be signed up to wait for surgery, after which you will CONTINUE to wait (pointlessly) for all this to get you pregnant. SUCKER!" The worst part of the waiting, of course, other than the not knowing how things will turn out, is being HELPLESS. I hate, abhor, revile, loathe, despise, HATE being helpless. Don't like it. But you - you have this brilliant idea! Currently, you are waiting in limbo - bad. If you decide to pursue these avenues, you will, without a doubt, wait for substantial periods to unsnarl the inevitable red tape. But - you can wait for both of those things AT THE SAME TIME! And have the rare experience of affirmatively accomplishing something in the midst of this useless, helpless, pointless IF nonsense! It's GENIUS!