Sunday, April 01, 2007

April Fool

That is what I feel I am. An April Fool. A fool for having any hope that my body will cooperate. A fool for thinking that all of these drugs and shots would do anything. A fool for paying an RE all this money for nothing. A fool for thinking I may have a shot at having a January baby. A fool for even hoping at all.

At my ultrasound today they only found 4 measly follicles. 2 on each ovary ranging from 6mm to 9mm. Keep in mind that a week ago, I had many follicles at 2 mm and they need to be 20mm before they will let me trigger. The drugs aren't doing Sh*#. Ok, so they are doing something, but I had more follicles that were larger last cycle with just the Femera alone. (And that cycle ended up being cancelled because on CD14, I only had one follicle @ 11mm) Adding injectibles has actually reduced the amount and size of my follicles. I am so damn frustrated I could put my fist through a wall. The lady that did the ultrasound told me to do another 75IU of the Follistim today (which we already did) and take the remainder of the Follistim on Tuesday. I go back in for another follicle check on Wednesday. Another $250 ultrasound, more time off work, more bruises on my thigh, and no hope that this will ever get me a baby.

Pace has been the wonderful strong rock he always is when I am falling apart. We decided to call my actual doctor (the lady that did the ultrasound is an assistant) and get his perspective. I don't know why they are pussy-footing around with the drugs. Just up the damn dose and lets get the ball rolling. I realize that they don't want me to hyperstimulate, but I am paying for this out of pocket for crying out loud! Can we not be SO cautious?

So I have more injections, more days of waiting and more of a broken heart. I am more bitter, more spiteful and I hate that. I sit in church and ask God: "why me?" I know I am not perfect, I have not always lived right and I have made many mistakes, but why is he denying me this gift of being a mother? Why does He think I am not fit? I will probably never have the answer to this question, and that just makes me more bitter.

Pace and I had a wonderful evening last night. We had a wonderful dinner and I surprised him with tickets to Stomp! He was so surprised and we had a wonderful time. If they are ever in an area near you - I would definately suggest going! They are very talented, funny and entertaining. We had a great time! And to our waitress at Ruths Chris - you rock! You were the best and thank you for not making us feel stupid because we had no idea what kind of wine we wanted (Hey...we are beer drinkers, not wine drinkers)!


Anonymous said...

Oh Nichole I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know exactly what you mean about questioning "Why Me" The only comfort I find is knowing that God does have a plan for us. Please don't ever think you are being punished.

I am glad you and Pace had a great Saturday night.

Email me anytime if you want to talk.

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry you didn't get good news at your appointment. I'm praying for you. Did you actually get ahold of your real doctor? What did he have to say?