Thursday, October 09, 2008

Quickly losing my grasp

I started this blog over 2 years ago to help me deal with my IF. I needed an outlet to vent and just get all the crap out there and whoever decided to read it could...and if no one read it that was ok too.

At the time that I started this blog, Pace and I had been trying for 1 year and 9 months. I named this blog "My grasp at sanity" because I was just entering that stage of IF where IF consumes your entire life. It consumes your thoughts, your conversations, your money, your emotions...everything. I knew that the road was only going to get worse and at times I would feel crazy, so I thought the title was very fitting.

I had no idea how fitting it really was...until recently.

I haven't blogged lately because I have been in some sort of emotional hell. Right after my miscarriage I started having nightmares. Horrible nightmares that would literally make me scream out loud. Over the last couple of weeks they are more frequent...almost every night. The theme changes, it isn't the same dream, it is always different. It makes me scared to go to sleep at night. I don't WANT to have nightmares. I don't WANT to see what I see in my dreams.

My anxiety levels have just skyrocketed. I have panic attacks and always think of the WORST situations. For example: We went quading a couple weeks ago in the mountains, my husband went out riding with one of his buddies and I stayed at camp with the rest of our friends. However, I couldn't relax and just enjoy my mind was racing with horrible thoughts. I could see Pace rolling the quad and severing his leg, flying off the road and off of a cliff... you name it, if it is horrific and terrifying...I thought it. I ended up in a full blown, hyperventilating, shaking, pounding heart, anxiety attack. It is ludicrous for me to think these thoughts but I just can't help them. They consume my mind.

I have irrational fears. Pace was working nights this week and I couldn't even take a shower while he wasn't home. I tried, but all I did was frantically stare out the shower door looking for the boogey man. When I tried to wash my face, I flew into a panic attack when I had to close my eyes.

I feel like I have totally lost the old Nichole.

I am so different now. I am nervous, anxious, scared, am always looking for the other foot to drop.

I know that I should go to therapy and be medicated for my anxiety attacks, but I don't want to take more medicine. I already take enough and I don't want to take anything that might screw my body up and push my dream of being a mother even farther away. I just needed to vent to my cyber buddies out there. I just needed to let you know what is up with me right now.

I am quickly losing my grasp on sanity. The sanity that I feared losing over 2 years ago, it is now becoming somewhat of a reality. If I only knew 2 years ago what I know now.

My last Clo.mid pill is tonight and then I will start taking Prom.etrium a day or two after I ovulate. So hopefully I can get a week or so in between the two where my already unstable emotional state isn't being influenced by medication.


Nikki said...

Nichole - firstly, big hugs to you. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Sorry that you're having the horrible nightmares and panic attacks.

I can relate with you on some factors - I too have completely lost the old Nikki. I don't socialize, I don't relax and enjoy my friends, I don't let myself be myself and have a relaxed time. I also find myself more and more needy and clingy with DH.

What I did want to tell you though, was that part of the emotional break down you're having COULD be caused by the clomid itself. I was TERRIBLE on clomid - it grew worse as the dosage increased. At the worst point, I used to have lights flashing in my eyes, and I was a complete disaster. I was relieved to get onto injectables!

Hopefully after your last dose of Clomid today you'll feel better. Big hugs to you. Hang in there.

Hope2morrow said...

Oh, girl! I have recently started thinking the same thoughts. It's devastating, huh?

I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist. Besides money, there's nothing chemically you are putting in your body. It might be nice to just be able to hash it all out with an outside source, someone that specializes in infertility that can validate and help help compartmentalize your feelings.

I hope you feel better very, very soon. Thanks for the update. We're here for you.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Nicole - I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope that Nikki is right, that it is just the clomid.

But I would suggest trying to find a therapist to talk to - or some sort of Christian counselor or pastor. I think it might really help. I wouldn't try to get meds, and it might get worse before it gets better, but I think it would help in the long run.

Please know that we are hear for you and if you need to vent - ever - don't hesitate.

Be praying for you.

Panic Attacks Information said...

Hi Nichole, sorry to read that you are going through all this.

I used to suffer from panic attacks back in my 20's and I know how incredibly debilitating they can be.

I have since become a Mental Health Counselor so I can help my clients manage their anxiety more effectively.

Though much easier said than done, the important thing to remember during an attack, is to "not panic about the panic"

Panic attacks are very uncomfortable, but they can't physically harm you.

If you can just bring yourself to slow down, and think rationally about what's going on, you can drastically decrease the length and severity of an attack.

I hope that helps and I wish you the best.

- Deb Legge PhD CRC LMHC

noswimmers said...

Ugh. I could have written this post. I know those anxiety/panic attacks all too well. They've become increasingly worse after my loss. Images that will never be erased.

I know you're reluctant to take meds/seek therapy...but its been a HUGE help to me. As my shrink likes to remind me--there is a point at which the depression/anxiety is more harm to pregnancy/TTC than the meds.

Sorry...too much assvice.

Sending you HUGE hugs right now.

Bec said...

Oh hon. Am sending you all of my love right now, because I understand how you feel. IF is a raw deal, it does take over your life.

Please speak to your Dr or somebody you trust about it. Once I spoke to Murray about what I was feeling, it really helped take some of the pressure off me because he was there to look out for me as well.