Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The holidays are a comin...

I had an amazing weekend. It was emotionally draining, inspirational, exhausting and stressful, but it was a good weekend.

Friday night I went out to dinner with Pace and my good friend Trisha, we went to a fish house and I had the most amazing crab!

Then Saturday morning the three of us participated in a Remembrance walk for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It was amazing. I cried almost the entire time. We were able to write messages to our babies which were read for everyone to hear. We were able to share our stories, poems and songs and at the end there was a balloon toss. Here is a picture of Pace and I that my friend Trisha took. We are watching the balloons head up to the heavens:

I am definitely going to make this an annual thing for me. It was so wonderful being around people that are in similar situations or feel the same way that I do in real life. This Saturday the Catholic Church that I used to attend is holding a special mass for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Even though I no longer consider myself "Catholic" I think it will be nice to be in a church and have my loss acknowledged. It seems that my church totally revolves around babies, pregnancy and children and sometimes it is just too much to take.

Then Saturday evening Pace and I met up with my friend J and her husband G. They have 3 angels in heaven as well, and did a candle lighting ceremony with us last Wednesday. We have a farm out here in AZ that has fresh produce, a corn maize, petting zoo, and carnival rides right now for a fall festival. HORRIBLE IDEA TO GO!!!! I think 70 percent of the women there were pregnant and EVERYONE had kids. I didn't realize the entire event was geared towards kids...but it was. And we had to pay $12 to get in, so I wasn't just going to leave...I was going to get some enjoyment out of it. We had Pace's little sister with us (she's 3) so that was helpful...kind of. At least we looked like we belonged there because we had here with us.

The holidays suck. I usually love Halloween! It is one of my favorite holidays, not anymore. I told Pace the other night that I am not sure if I will be able to hang out and hand out candy. I just want to be around adults...with no kids. No cute little costumes, no 16 year old girls trick or treating with their babies...I just don't want to do it this year.

I am still waiting on ovulation. I don't know what is going on...I have gotten like 4 or 5 tests with faint second lines, but no "positives" Today is CD22 so I am not sure what to think. I will keep testing for another week. My body definitely does not seem to be as cooperative this cycle. GRrrrrr


Hope2morrow said...

Oh, the walk sounds commemorative and beautiful. I'm so glad you participated. How did Pace do with it emotionally?
It also sounds like you have some really great supporters and friends that have been through similar situations. That has to be reassuring.
It sounds like you are working through things, given the situation. You're doing a great job. Chin up, young lady.

Erin said...

That photo is beautiful. What a lovely event.

I'm with you on the holiday thing. I know it's only a matter of time before my mailbox is overflowing with holiday cards, letters, and photos documenting every tooth, every step, every word, etc., of my friends' children's lives. I don't even plan to open the envelopes this year. And since everyone thinks it's so appropriate to send me and DH pics of their cute little families, maybe we'll send them pictures of our dead embryos. They're asking for it, right?

Hang in there,

I Believe in Miracles said...

Love the picture. The event sounds great.
I'm sorry about your cycle being mean... hoping you O soon!!

Anonymous said...

Nichole, i have started reading your blogs, i have to say i went way back to almost as far as i could and had to catch up over the past year and few months and i just cant imagen what you and pace are going through. you are such a strong woman and you never give up. your truly have opened my eyes to a different world. i was reading last to blogs you wrote and i just starting crying bc i cant understand why some one so amazing and loveing and wonderful as you is have to go through this horrible time. sweetie you both are always on my mind and in my prayers. i love you more than ever. soon one day soon you will be bless with the most amazing child in the world.
love ya girl, always tiffany
God Bless Baby Becker

Bec said...

I'm glad you went along to the walk hon, it sounds like it was really therapeutic for you.
I'm so grateful that Halloween isn't a big deal here, I couldn't cope with all those cute kids. Christmas is hard enough as it is.