Monday, January 05, 2009

Hello 2009

We are back and we all came back in one piece! We had an absolutely amazing time! I was a little scared of the riding just because it was my first time and well...I can be a chicken sh!t at times, but I was riding with great drivers and after I got over my initial fear it was all good.

It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.

We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.

I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.

I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.

My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.

After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.

So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
  • Had an anxiety attack in front of all of my closest friends (embarrassing!!!)

  • Gotten a negative pregnancy test

  • Been extremely emotional and weepy

  • Had a great vacation
I decided for 2009 that I wasn't going to take life so seriously. I am going to make a conscience effort to not get so worked up over small things. I am going to be very cautious who I let into my life (and who I let out). I am going to try to have fun more often and not be so hard on myself. I want to try to have a brighter, healthier outlook on life. (Easier said than done, but anything will help)

Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.

I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.

In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!


I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm sorry 2009 got off to a rocky start in some ways. If you go to your account settings you can look into making your blog private. I'm not sure if you can block settings, but you can definitely limit your comments by just having OpenID or Google/Blogger allowed.

*~*Bodhi~*~Englightenment*~* said...

I've only been reading your blog for a short time but I just wanted to wish you a happy new year and hope that you get your lil bundle of joy in 2009.

2009 WILL be my year too, I'm hoping, after 9 years of patience I've got to be rewarded right?

Keeping everything crossed for you...


Angelwingsbaby said...

I am here for you,sorry things have been so yucky lately,Hugs!

Dreamer4agift said...

First of all...(((HUGS)))...I'm sorry things have been rough on you.

As far as the privacy can go to your blogger settings and put it to invite only.

Misty said...

Hello! I just found your blog this morning while searching for infertility tattoos. I too am on this horrible road of infertility. I hope 2009 turns out to be a great year for you!!!

Darya said...

I hope that 2009 is a great year for you and your dreams come true.

I know what you mean about being brave but you are brave even outside of IF. I mean you went riding for the first time!! Still, I am sorry IF hurts so much but no matter how strong you are, IF makes you feel weak.

You have some great goals for the new year. I have similar goals of trying to take life less seriously and espcially who I let into my life and who I let out.

I don't know how to keep people out of your blog but please keep me in your circle! :-)