She finally showed up. After months and months of anticipation. She finally came. Of course she showed up on the day Mr. Clinger and I were leaving for Christmas vacation...but at least she came. It has been 229 days since she has come for a visit. Most people Trying To Conceive HATE it when she shows up...but me...at least this time...I was almost brought to tears with happiness.
...I know...I'm a kook :-)
So...my last blog I said that I wanted to talk about friendships and TTC. Boy is it complicated. This entire situation has really made me realize who my REAL friends are. I have gained some friends (many of them on my MSN board) and I have lost some friends. In fact just recently, I lost the woman I thought was my best friend. I suppose in the long run it is for the better, but it hurts the same. It hurts me the most to know that someone that I cared about so deeply could hurt me so bad.
I guess only the ones we care about are able to hurt us. It has been such a long time since I have felt a pain like this. I stood by this woman through so many things, divorce, pregnancy, new relationships, I was there for her when all of her friends abandoned her, I guess no good deed goes unpunished.
On one hand I feel empty and alone, I never knew how she really felt about my infertility. At the same time I am saddened and full of anger.
Mr. Clinger understands, he lost a friend because of this too. Guys are different though I think. I don't think they take things as personally. It still hurts just the same.
I just wish that people would take a step back and think about how we must be feeling. There is a very good chance that Mr. Clinger will never be able to put his hands over my swelling belly in hopes of feeling our child kick back. I might never be able to suprise him at the door with a positive home pregnancy test. I may never be able to wake him in the middle of the night and tell him that "It's time" I might never be able to see the look on Mr. Clingers face the first time he sees his child. I might never be able to take our child shopping to get "Daddy" something for Father's Day, birthday, Christmas. I might never be able to hear the words "I love you mommy" coming from my child's mouth.
I have wanted to be a mommy since I was like 4 years old. I would always play dolls, I would even stuff my shirt with towels so that I looked pregnant. When my nieces and nephews were born, I would pack them around on my hip all day long, feed them, change them, put them down for naps. They were my life. I wanted to be around them all of the time. In high school I took a child development class and one of our assignmetns was to wear an empathy belly (the bellies that make you look and feel 8 months pg) I didn't want to take it off. I could have worn it 24/7 if my teacher would have let me.
Being a mom has always been my "calling" so now that I am married, old enough, mature enough, financially stable, ready and willing...I am told that it might never happen. And this is supposed to have no effect on me whatsoever. It is not supposed to hurt when my friends are "accidentally" getting pg. When my friends are getting pg and they are not even married? It is not supposed to hurt when my friend gets pg and I had been trying for almost a year when she got pg and she was NOT EVEN TRYING????
No one knows how it feels to have the dream of parenthood shit on unless you have been there. You don't know what it is like to break down in the middle of the store because you saw a pregnant 16 year old. Or you saw a mother driving down the road with a small child that is not in a car seat. Or you saw a pg woman smoking/drinking or doing drugs while pg. You don't know what it is like to turn on the news and hear of a mother who killed her baby by putting it in the microwave!! These women are allowed to have children, but I can't (at least not yet) YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT CUTS TO THE CORE...
So I say this to the people that call themselves my friends but make me feel guilty for showing my pain...F.U. you have no right to judge me until you know my pain. And I sincerely hope none of you have to know my pain. But...if you do...at least you know that I will be there and I will not judge your feelings, your reactions or your breakdowns.
And I say this to those of you who call me your friend that have been there with open ears and soft shoulders GOD BLESS YOU! Thank you for being supportive even though you may not know what to say...thank you for just being there and not making me feel guilty, unworthy, or damaged. I LOVE YOU ALL FOR THAT!
I thought that as we got older...friendships were supposed to be easier. Maybe in my 40's they will be Huh???