Saturday, March 13, 2010

1+1 doesn't always = 2

Last night was our final home study meeting. It was surprisingly painless. I was expecting the individual interviews to be much more in depth and lengthy, but it was quite superficial and short. Honestly, I am ok with that.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. The last month has taken a toll on my body (which is proven by the swollen glands in my neck that I have been battling for the last month and the daily headaches for the last week and a half).

I know I haven't really updated since our most recent miscarriage, mostly because I am not really sure what to say. I am sure I am going to get blasted by writing this post, but I am going to be honest and those who read can agree or disagree.

My old RE left the practice we were going to and opened up his own. When I started spotting when I was pregnant, I didn't know what to do other than call the office of my old RE because I have their number in my cell phone. The Dr. that called me back (I will call him Dr. Awesome) was my old RE's business partner. After I miscarried Dr. Awesome called me and said he wanted to have a follow up appt. with me.

I went to the appt. and he put a lot of things on the table that had never been presented to us before by Dr. Money Hungry (previous RE that pushed IVF over and over again). Dr. Awesome thinks that we can conceive on our own with some help from some new medication. Progesterone supplements are a must in order to keep me pregnant, should I get pregnant again. There are some other meds he thinks will help regulate my cycles and enhance my ovulation. He does not think IUI or IVF is a real need for us.

This is great news right? After five years of TTC, endless amounts of failed cycles, 2 surgeries, 2 miscarriages...this should make me want to do a jig in the street! Then why do I feel so crappy about it? The answer is: for many reasons.

1. Before my most recent pregnancy, I was completely ok with not having biological children, with not carrying a pregnancy. However, my most recent pregnancy brought back those desires to some extent and I am feeling conflicted.

2. If these options had been presented to us 3 years ago, could it have saved the lives of my two angels? If I had pushed for more information, more tests, more options...could I have a baby in my arms right now? If I would have followed my gut feelings about Dr. Money Hungry and had a consult with Dr. Awesome years ago...could things have been different for us and our angel babies?

3. Before my most recent pregnancy I was excited about the adoption process. I was putting together a baby registry, I was writing our very own baby book, I no longer felt sadness or bitterness when I received yet another pregnancy announcement. Although I am still excited about the adoption process, I have lost some of the passion. I haven't looked at the baby registry since my miscarriage. I have not touched the baby book I was writing in over a month. I know that passion will return once I have healed from this most recent miscarriage, but it is hard to go through the motions when I am just not feeling it right now. Seeing pregnant women is hard for me again, pregnancy announcements hurt again and birth announcements are even worse. I don't want to be that person again!

4. It has put TTC back on the table which Pace and I weren't really prepared for. As I have previously blogged about, Pace and I were done. At least for the time being. We did not have a desire to TTC, so it was very easy to pursue adoption without looking back. that there are some very easy, inexpensive options in front of us, it has brought those discussions and decisions back to the table. It makes me a little uncomfortable. We are both terrified of getting pregnant and miscarrying again, we are also terrified of NOT getting pregnant again. Are we ready to get back on that roller coaster?

Obviously we are moving forward with getting certified to adopt. We still have a heart and desire to adopt and that will never change whether or not we have biological children. Pace and I always wanted to adopt, even before infertility, so it just makes sense to finish what we started with the home study process.

However, is there also a place for TTC in this equation? I don't know the answer to that. Before my last pregnancy I knew. Now...I don't.


Anna said...

I hope you don't get blasted for this post. Honestly I can completely relate. There is a huge part of me that is ready to give up on TTC. I was excited about adoption. On the other hand, there is another part of me that fears rejection in the adoption process and there has been some new information presented in the TTC avenue. Embryo adoption has really been on my heart and I'm not sure where to go from here. Sometimes we get stuck in the valleys, and I think that's probably where you are right now. Know that others are in that valley right beside you, with the same fears and hopes. I haven't had the same experiences but we are essentially in the same boat. We just have to pray for guidance and lean on each other during the tough times. (((hugs)))

Hillary said...

This makes so much sense - these decisions are not cut and dry at all. They are emotional, gray matters and it is so understandable to swing back and forth. I hope you find clarity in your next steps very soon. (((hugs)))

addingtothepack said...

I am not sure why anyone would blast you for this post? It's more than understandable that this new set of infertility treatment options would open everything back up again. Biological and adoptive children have always been in your heart and it's only natural that this would reopen the question of how to proceed. I wish you all kinds of luck navigating the decision.