I woke up in the morning and saw red. I had been told my my dr. that everything was fine and I shouldn't worry unless I saw red. I was so upset the night before because no one from my dr. office called me back with my BETA results. I called and no one would give me the results. I got really worked up and cried myself to sleep. Then I wake up to red.
I got dressed and went to work freaking out the whole way. I settle in to work and try to get my mind off of everything. As soon as my dr. office opens, I call the triage nurse. Right before that the cramps started kicking in. They were HORRIBLE. They were worse than I have ever experienced before. They took my breath away. The triage nurse told me to get to the hospital as soon as I could. I called Pace, but where he was working, he didn't have reception. I tried to get a hold of him for about a half hour bawling the whole time. Crying because I was scared, crying because I was in pain and crying because I felt like my world was crashing around me.
I finally got a hold of Pace, he told me to go home and he would pick me up and take me to the ER. By the time I got home I was bleeding very heavy. I knew.
When we arrived at the hospital, the ER nurse that was checking me in was about 8 months pregnant. Ouch.
They take a bunch of blood, and finally call me back for an ultrasound. By this time I am bleeding everywhere. The tech starts her scan and I just lie there and cry. I knew.
After the ultrasound I am taken back to a bed in the ER and was told the dr. would be back to see me shortly. We waited for 45 minutes and I knew.
I just wanted to leave. I needed to get out of that damn hospital. I needed to curl up in bed in my husbands arms and cry. I needed to get away from people. I needed to be alone.
The Dr. finally came back and confirmed that my uterus was empty. I already knew. We were discharged and on our way home. I sent a text to my friends and family. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone near me. The text said "We lost the baby. Please understand that I need time with my husband right now and won't be available this weekend." Tumbling, Crashing,
I don't remember a lot about the days after that. I remember the flowers being delivered to my house, I remember the phone ringing but me not answering, I remember collapsing on my kitchen floor and not ever wanting to get up. I remember lying in bed with my husband and crying out asking "why"?
A year later, I find myself still asking why and while I was at church today I realized that it is time to stop asking. I need to let it go. Although I will probably never know the reason for my precious baby being sent to heaven far too early, I know that there is a reason. That wound in my heart will never completely heal, but I need to stop asking why.
My precious baby, mommy and daddy miss you so much. I think of you every day and wish that I could have seen your smiling face, watched you learn to roll over, clap your hands, crawl, and all of the other things that I have missed out on this last year. I cherish the small amount of time that you were here on earth with us, but I know you are in heaven with my precious Lord looking over me and your daddy. One day we will be able to see you face to face and hold you in our arms, but until then, know that you were loved long before you were placed in my belly and will be loved to the end of eternity.
We love you,
Mommy and Daddy