Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Tough Week

This blog was written last week, was meant to be posted last week, but it struck me with such emotion, I decided it would be better to post it after the week had past. After I had time to get some distance (and perspective) on it. I thought it was fitting to post it today as we go into the weekend of testing.

This week is especially hard for me. On August 9th, 2008, we found out we were pregnant, on August 15th, 2008, we found out we had lost the baby. That week was the happiest and the most devastating week of my life. It is proving to not get much easier.

We are cycling again which is exciting and I can't help but think that it is a good sign that I got my first peak day on my CBEFM on August 9th, 2010, however I refuse to get my hopes up. It is this constant battle of staying optimistic and realistic at the same time. This is a battle that I rarely win.

I refuse to listen to my body during this 2ww. I am not going to allow myself to buy into phony pregnancy symptoms only to be crushed at the end of this 2ww. Pace and I were texting back and forth today and he wrote "Just think, you may be becoming a mommy as we text" yes dear I might be...I wish I had your optimism.

However, the fact is...I already am a mommy. To two babies that I never got to hold, never got to feed, never got to express my love to.

There are few things worse than being a mommy with no children.

My angels are forgotten

No one knows what this week means to me

No one understands how hard this week is

No one recognizes me as a mommy, maybe if I had been farther along in my pregnancy. Maybe if I was showing before I lost the baby, people would remember. But I wasn't...and they don't. My angel babies, although very young when they went to heaven were just as much babies to me as a full term baby and they made me just as much a mommy as any other child could.

3 comments:

Hillary said...

((hugs))

Thinking of you and your babies.

makingmemom.blogspot.com

Miss Ruby said...

There are two things that I agree with 100% within your post...

"There are few things worse than being a mommy with no children. My angels are forgotten."

"No one recognizes me as a mommy, maybe if I had been farther along in my pregnancy. Maybe if I was showing before I lost the baby, people would remember. But I wasn't...and they don't. My angel babies, although very young when they went to heaven were just as much babies to me as a full term baby and they made me just as much a mommy as any other child could."

Miscarriages leave you in a world that few know or recognise. I've felt for awhile that I don't know where I fit when it comes to loss. I've lost babies - 8 of them but I was never far enough along to be visibly pregnant. I didn't lose a baby and have a body to bury, or hold or capture on film.

I've lost babies, my grief is valid and yet I've never felt that I "belong" with the baby lost mama's, they were many months into their pregnancies when they lost their babies whereas I was only weeks.

I'm often left feeling like my loss isn't valid. It's a horrible feeling.

You've been on my mind alot this past week Nichole and I truly hope that this weekend brings you the best news ever.

xxxx

J said...

I'm sorry Nichole. It is hard. I know. People don't get it. I'm looked at funny now because I'm grieving a little girl who was never mine. We all remember your angels and share your pain. You are not alone because of this beautiful blogging community.