Wednesday, August 04, 2010

How do you know you made the right choice?

There have been so many times over the last couple of weeks where I wanted to sit and blog, but I just couldn't come up with anything to really say. I have been up, I have been down, I have been all around emotional.

cycle update: today is CD14, still no ovulation and no darkening of the infamous "second line" on the OPK either. I am doing both the CBEFM and the regular internet cheapies - and so far no change. I am usually a late "O'er" so I kind of expected this, but it seems that each day that goes by with no change, I get more discouraged.

I have found myself questioning our decision on continuing treatment. Is this the right choice? This questioning has been compounded by two wonderful couples that were certified to adopt around the same time we were receiving some amazing news. One of the couples brought home their very handsome baby boy on July 4th and the other couple just received news this week that they were matched and might be parents NEXT WEEK! This is amazing and I am completely over the moon for both of them! It does make me wonder if we made the right choice.

Unfortunately finances are really pushing the decisions for us and although I know I could borrow the money for adoption, I would really like to avoid this. I just wonder if we had continued with the adoption process, would we be closer to being a mommy and daddy right now? I am really going to have to do some "thought work" around this and try to figure my emotions out.

I also wanted to update you all on my niece. As you know, she was diagnosed in June with leukemia. The first month of treatment was gut wrenching, torturous and terrifying. We almost lost her three times, however I am happy to announce that she is officially in remission and has moved on to the second phase of treatment. They were finally able to install her semi-permanent port which she receives her chemo through and life has returned to some state of normalcy for my sister and their family. She is still having some trouble walking, but every day she is getting a little bit stronger and has even ventured out to play with her sisters for short amounts of time each day. This is a HUGE improvement in comparison to where she was a month ago.

August is a very bitter month for me. August 9th, 2008 I found out we were pregnant for the first time. The joy and elation I felt that day was indescribable. On the flip side, the devastation I felt a week later as I miscarried was just as indescribable. In addition, at the end of this month, we will have officially been trying to conceive for five and a half years. So much has happened and so much has changed during this time. I am definitely not the same person (for better or worse) than I was then, nor will I ever be the same person again. I am permanently changed and I just have to be ok with that.

Pace and I are going camping with some great friends this weekend and I am so excited. They are a wonderful couple with two wonderful boys (they are older 9 and 11) and I am really looking forward to a relaxing weekend under the stars with my husband.

I have to go now, but I wanted you all to know that even though I may not be posting much, I am reading and commenting and supporting you all in your journeys. Thank you for still being here and for the continued support that you have given me.


Kakunaa said...

You went with the choice that felt right at the time...and you shouldn't regret that, okay? HUGS

J said...

This has to be the best blog you have ever written and I'm not saying that becuase you wrote about us and used the word wonderful! :)

It is a hard pill to swallow. It is hard to know if you made the right choice. There are so many scenarios that could play...just becuase you get pregnant, doesn't mean you'll carry that baby to term. Just because I'm matched, doesn't mean the baby will be ours. Will I look back and regret my decision if she changes her mind? Will I then wish I had pursued fertility treatments? IF is what it many what ifs!

I will pray that guide gives you the guidance you happy to hear about your niece. God is Good!

Miss Ruby said...

Great to hear about your niece.

I agree with Kakunaa, you made the right choice for you at THAT time.

Enjoy camping, breaks away are sooo good for the soul...


Bec said...

Oh hon, it's such a tough one. We have started the adoption process here but to be honest I am not 100% committed to it - I feel like I need to give IVF my all first before I can move on to adoption being my main focus. You have to make the decision that is right for you.

DaisyGal said...

well my sweet friend, this experience changes us in so many ways doesn't it?? It just hardens our hearts and opens them up,,it's the biggest contradiction in terms I've ever been through.

that said, your choices, made from inside, that gut level..are never ever wrong. Ever.

you continue down your path, your day and happiness are coming, even if they feel far off..I can promise you this, I will come to you and hold your baby in my arms, nothing would give me greater joy. You and Pace, WILL BE PARENTS and I will be overcome with happiness that day.

I am happy about your niece too, wow what a long summer it's been.

many hugs, lots of support whenever you need it.