There have been so many times over the last couple of weeks where I wanted to sit and blog, but I just couldn't come up with anything to really say. I have been up, I have been down, I have been all around emotional.
cycle update: today is CD14, still no ovulation and no darkening of the infamous "second line" on the OPK either. I am doing both the CBEFM and the regular internet cheapies - and so far no change. I am usually a late "O'er" so I kind of expected this, but it seems that each day that goes by with no change, I get more discouraged.
I have found myself questioning our decision on continuing treatment. Is this the right choice? This questioning has been compounded by two wonderful couples that were certified to adopt around the same time we were receiving some amazing news. One of the couples brought home their very handsome baby boy on July 4th and the other couple just received news this week that they were matched and might be parents NEXT WEEK! This is amazing and I am completely over the moon for both of them! It does make me wonder if we made the right choice.
Unfortunately finances are really pushing the decisions for us and although I know I could borrow the money for adoption, I would really like to avoid this. I just wonder if we had continued with the adoption process, would we be closer to being a mommy and daddy right now? I am really going to have to do some "thought work" around this and try to figure my emotions out.
I also wanted to update you all on my niece. As you know, she was diagnosed in June with leukemia. The first month of treatment was gut wrenching, torturous and terrifying. We almost lost her three times, however I am happy to announce that she is officially in remission and has moved on to the second phase of treatment. They were finally able to install her semi-permanent port which she receives her chemo through and life has returned to some state of normalcy for my sister and their family. She is still having some trouble walking, but every day she is getting a little bit stronger and has even ventured out to play with her sisters for short amounts of time each day. This is a HUGE improvement in comparison to where she was a month ago.
August is a very bitter month for me. August 9th, 2008 I found out we were pregnant for the first time. The joy and elation I felt that day was indescribable. On the flip side, the devastation I felt a week later as I miscarried was just as indescribable. In addition, at the end of this month, we will have officially been trying to conceive for five and a half years. So much has happened and so much has changed during this time. I am definitely not the same person (for better or worse) than I was then, nor will I ever be the same person again. I am permanently changed and I just have to be ok with that.
Pace and I are going camping with some great friends this weekend and I am so excited. They are a wonderful couple with two wonderful boys (they are older 9 and 11) and I am really looking forward to a relaxing weekend under the stars with my husband.
I have to go now, but I wanted you all to know that even though I may not be posting much, I am reading and commenting and supporting you all in your journeys. Thank you for still being here and for the continued support that you have given me.