Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Changing Tides

After I left the Dr. office from my last ultrasound, something inside of me changed. I have given up hope. I am not going to allow myself to have false hope anymore.

We are researching adoption. This is a huge step for us and we are going to take it VERY slowly. At this point we are not completely giving up hope of having biological children, but we are definitely not putting all of our eggs (pun intended) in that basket. We will see what the RE has to say on the 18th and go from there.

I don't feel IVF is for us, at least not at this point. If I am going to spend that kind of money, I would rather spend it on adoption. This is just OUR perspective. Maybe someday if we live in a state with insurance coverage or we win the lottery or something, we would do IVF, but just not right now.

We have our first adoption orientation meeting on June 23rd and plan on attending many more. We are scared, a bit sad and definitely overwhelmed, but we are coming to terms with the cards we were dealt. I am not sure I can handle another "surprise" surgery, another miscarriage, another failed cycle, emotionally I just don't think I can bear it. We have been trying for almost four and a half years and we are no closer today to having a biological child than we were four and a half years ago. We are ok with waiting another two or three years as we go through the adoption process, but I am not sure we could wait another two or three years of fertility treatment.

Again, we are going to wait and see what the RE says before we completely give up on fertility treatments, but for the time being, our focus is going to be on getting my body healthy again and pursuing adoption.

11 comments:

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

Im so sorry hun, that you of all people have to go through this horrible pain and suffering. It brings tears to my eyes reading abt you thinking of adoption. its not a bad thing at all, i just know in your heart its not the first thing that you want at all. i can only hope and pray with you that some day (when ever that maybe )God finally shows you a reason for the things he has put you and pace through. my heart gose out to both of you.
love ya girl

Jeremy and Emily said...

I think it's good that you're considering adoption. I think there just might be a very special baby waiting for you. And you and pace are so wonderful, you would be the best thing in the world for a child who needs loving parents.

LJ said...

Adoption is a transition for sure, but now on the other side of it, I can't say enough good things about it. There are rough times for sure, but it is so much easier a process than IVF, imho. I'm happy lend an ear if you have questions...

Jess said...

We all have different opinions and thankfully we have different options to chose from. IVF is not 100% and neither is adoption but I think adoption is more guaranteed. I know you two will be the best parents (you already are to baby becker) regardless if the baby is biological or not. I'm no longer going so pray that you have a baby...I'm going to pray that God leads you to the best path and a baby in the end! I love you...big hugs!

P.S. You already know this but I want to remind you that I'm always here for you. I'm praying and cheering you on! I'm also anxiousely waiting to hear what the RE says!

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

ive always admired people who adopted. i admire you for even considering it. i think its great you are going forward, whether its through IF treatments and/or adoption.

Hope said...

It's a tough decision. Infertility treatment is so hypothetical and there are so many hurdles - and it's expensive! Adoption probably also has hurdles and is expensive, but I am of the mindset that having a baby from adoption is a little less hypothetical. I am pondering a similar decision, not sure if your rationale is the same as mine, but I felt inclinced to comment! I wish you an easy road whatever you decide because you definately deserve it!

Nikki said...

I'm with you going through the same transition myself Nichole. It's been rough so far, but I hope that I will be totally at peace with everything - the concept and the process.

Wish you peace, and wish you good luck as you start exploring and researching this new area.

((HUGS))

the misfit said...

I feel like that may be the one thing we have control over - whether to let the IF make us crazy forever. Kudos for drawing a line. Can't wait to hear how the adoption orientation goes!

Hillary said...

I pray for peace and guidance as you begin to process this transition!


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Misty said...

I know exactly how you feel, I feel/felt the same way. I will never give up hope well until I'm too old to give birth anymore. I think we will always try but there is a little piece of me that will always hope that I can give birth. I want that experience but I also want a child more than anything and for whatever reason adoption is our path. Just do everything on your timeline and it will all work out.

Anna said...

Hi, I came across your blog because of the mess over at Pifer Bean's blog. I loved what you commented! I had a similar one but it was on the post she removed. I read your poem about friends you've lost, and I can SO totally relate. check out my blog, and go back to read the comments on my post titled "Broken" from a few weeks ago. People are so unbelievable.