This year was particularly hard. Knowing that if we had not lost our baby, Pace would have been able to wake up to his beautiful son/daughter cooing and loving him instead of me making coffee and doing dishes.
It isn't fair and I am not sure I have ever felt more guilty and sad that I can not and may not ever be able to give my husband a biological child. Obviously I know in my mind that it is not my fault, I am not infertile on purpose and I certainly didn't ask for this, but my heart is taking much longer to convince. I thought I was totally over the biological connection thing and for the most part I think I am, but it hurts non-the-less and I am not sure I will ever be completely and totally over the fact that my children don't have his beautiful blue eyes, my skin and his cute little tushy.
This is going to be a rough week. Starting out with a strenuous Father's Day, 2 adoption orientations, Pace working late a few nights and his little sister's birthday party on Saturday (she will be 4). It is going to be a very emotional week.
My pregnant friend came over last Thursday for a visit. The last time I saw her was when she told me she was pregnant (about 5 months ago). It was ok, it was great seeing her, I really missed her but at the same time it was very hard. It was hard to hear her complain about being pregnant (not about being pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, but just how uncomfortable pregnancy is). I simply replied "It will be worth it in the end." I didn't know what else to say. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, she was trying to keep our friendship as "normal" as possible in this very uncomfortable time. I made her a baby blanket and gave it to her when she came over, she said that I should have waited for the baby shower to which I replied, "I wanted to give it to you now because I don't know if I will be able to attend the shower." She didn't press it or ask any additional questions and I love her for that.