Monday, June 22, 2009

Very Difficult Father's Day

This year was particularly hard. Knowing that if we had not lost our baby, Pace would have been able to wake up to his beautiful son/daughter cooing and loving him instead of me making coffee and doing dishes.

It isn't fair and I am not sure I have ever felt more guilty and sad that I can not and may not ever be able to give my husband a biological child. Obviously I know in my mind that it is not my fault, I am not infertile on purpose and I certainly didn't ask for this, but my heart is taking much longer to convince. I thought I was totally over the biological connection thing and for the most part I think I am, but it hurts non-the-less and I am not sure I will ever be completely and totally over the fact that my children don't have his beautiful blue eyes, my skin and his cute little tushy.

This is going to be a rough week. Starting out with a strenuous Father's Day, 2 adoption orientations, Pace working late a few nights and his little sister's birthday party on Saturday (she will be 4). It is going to be a very emotional week.

My pregnant friend came over last Thursday for a visit. The last time I saw her was when she told me she was pregnant (about 5 months ago). It was ok, it was great seeing her, I really missed her but at the same time it was very hard. It was hard to hear her complain about being pregnant (not about being pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, but just how uncomfortable pregnancy is). I simply replied "It will be worth it in the end." I didn't know what else to say. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, she was trying to keep our friendship as "normal" as possible in this very uncomfortable time. I made her a baby blanket and gave it to her when she came over, she said that I should have waited for the baby shower to which I replied, "I wanted to give it to you now because I don't know if I will be able to attend the shower." She didn't press it or ask any additional questions and I love her for that.


Angelwingsbaby said...

I know it is hard to let go of that biological connection but trust me it gets easier.You will find things in the children you adopt that remind you of each other.Especially their personality.Everyone says my oldest looks like me and I see my personality in him every day.He has a nose just like mine even though he is adopted.My youngest has personality traits like my ex husband and I see his dad in him.(don't worry nothing bad me and my ex get along wonderfully he is one of my best friends and I am happy to have been able to parent with him)so see hang in there, the one thing that most honest adoption agencies with tell you is that you should not proceed with adoption until you are sure that you are past the bio connection issue as they never want you to feel as though adopting is second best, last choice or settling.They have seen it come out in people later after they adopted and it is not pleasant for anyone involved.Just remember you want a "family".A family is wherever you find it, I am sure you have friends that are like family,I know I do and they are not blood.I lost sight a long time ago about this very same issue but when it came down to what I wanted it was to have children and I decided that whatever method God deemed right for me then I would accept that and enjoy being a mother to miracles created by him.He does need wonderful women to be mothers to the orphans and misplaced children and I think sometimes he hand picks a few of us as hard as it is to understand to care for these blessings that need us so badly. You know I am here if you need me.((hugs))

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

Good friends like that, that know you dont need to ask questions they see were you have come from and what you are going through and they understand. I think that is awsome that she was so simple and chill about it.
Reading you thoughts and feelings on how this past fathers day was for pace and you is heart breaking. I hate hearing you talk abt it and being so down. I wish there truly was something more that i (we, Gabe & I ) could do for you and pace. Not having a biological child will not change at all the way you feel abt the child. I believe you have a heart of gold and will love that child with every ounce of your body and so much more. you will help it grow and turn in to the person that you always dream of. keep your head up and your hopes high.

we may not like God's plan that he has for us, but i think he dose things for a reason. i know thats hard to hear but remember he loves you and he is not making you go through this bc he is trying to punish you for any reason.

you know in the back of my mind i always though that i would want to have maybe one or two of my own kids and then adopt but gabe says that will be taking away the chance for some one to be a parent that can not have kids of their own and i believe he had you in mind when he said that.
I love you babe so much and pray for you to have peace abt everything and that you will soon very soon make it past this stage of your life.
much love!!!

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

OMG, so i wrote my comment and then published it after that i red the comment that "Angelwingsbaby" wrote you and I dont think she could of put it in to better words. About being a family and God hand picking woman to be mothers to orphans and misplaced children. I think as you move more in to the future of adoption and you keep this in mind that it will some what help you throught the day. (I believe this is what Gabe was trying to tell me in a way. he dose have an amazing heart for the two of you and misses you like crazy)