I know two posts in one day...but it finally came to me...the blog that has been swimming in my brain...it finally hit me.
I never thought I would be here. Even at the beginning of my infertility journey, I never in a million years would have thought that it would take us (at this point) over 5 years to have a baby.
I never thought I would have two (at this point) babies in heaven before I get one on Earth.
I never thought adoption may be the ONLY way I will be a mommy.
I never thought I would feel comfortable and almost giddy stabbing myself in the butt, stomach and/or thighs with needles.
I never thought I would have to spend so much money trying to start a family.
I never thought I would feel so uncomfortable at family gatherings or even gatherings with friends
I never thought my marriage would be tested to the ultimate degree by IF
I never thought I would feel like a murderer because my body could not support my two sweet angel babies
I never thought I would ever feel this level of guilt
I never in a million years thought that I would feel so helpless, alone, bitter and sad.
I have always been told that everyone has their cross to bear. Everyone has that shitty thing in their life that happens that they just have to deal with. Well...I went through something as a child and I thought for all these years that THAT incident was my cross. That was my trauma in life, that was my huge hurdle. Of course I was not naive enough to think that the rest of my life would be smooth sailing, but I felt that "incident" was profound enough and potentially damaging enough to be my "one thing".
Then IF was thrown on my plate and I am baffled! I have already fought my battle, I have (and continue to) carried my cross, I fought for justice, I forgave, I used the shitty "incident" and became a better person because of it. So...why this now? Haven't I endured enough?
I have been told that God puts us through tests to prepare us for the future...well I can tell you that if he is using the "incident" and IF to prepare me for the future...I am not so sure I want to know what the future holds for me cause I am pretty sure...it ain't good.
I mean...how much can one person go through?
I never thought I would be here...never in a million years!