Thursday, April 15, 2010

Bitter Sweet Day

Bitter: As everyone that lives in the US know today is tax day. Usually I am ok with tax day (I usually get money back) however due to a little mess up with our payroll service (and me not catching it) we are not getting money back...we are paying...a lot. So, I was not very keen on waking up this morning to know that a large chunk of money (which had been set aside for our adoption) was being sent to both the State of Arizona and the Federal Govt. *sigh*

Sweet: Today is my wonderful father's birthday. He is such an amazing man, a man of few words, but a man that is devoted to his family no matter what. He worked his butt off to provide for all six of his children and never uttered a complaint. I love him dearly and wish I could be with him today to bake him his favorite cake for his birthday!

Bitter: Today is the 1 year anniversary of my due date for our first Angel Baby. Today I should be honoring and getting giddy over our little one's first birthday. But I'm not. Today I woke up feeling a little sad, a little lonely and very forgotten. No one except for me knows what today is. No one in our family thinks twice about what today means for me. Why would I expect them to? They never "saw" our Angel Baby, after the miscarriage, they never really acknowledged his/her existence.

Some days when I think of our miscarriages, I yearn to know the sex of our Angel Babies. Because at least then we could give them names and make them more "real" to our friends and family. At least then there might be some acknowledgement, some memory.

Yes...today is a very bitter sweet day

17 comments:

nh said...

I've just come from Mel's...

I wanted to say that I feel for you with it being the anniversary of your due date. I know how it feels to not have that acknowledgement around you - that your baby existed.

I hope that you do something special for you today.

Mitzie said...

I know this won't help any but when I have days like those, I pop in this song, close my eyes, really listen to it and it always makes me feel better:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zx3m4e45bTo

:)

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

Praying for you and your Angel babies today. Happy Birthday to your dad as well, Im sure he'd LOVE for you to be with him right about now.

Christa said...

I found out the sex of our baby after the D&C and it actually made it much much harder to get over. I know not everybody feels this way but I can say that I know what it feels like to have that perpetual date stuck in your head forever. Mine was October 20th.

azmamma said...

Hi! I bounced over from Mel's. I hate tax day too. We owe AZ and I am not looking forward to writing that check :(

Baby Wanted said...

If it means anything to you (which I know it will), I knew your sweet baby was due in April and it fell on Easter. I didn't know the exact date though.

Here is a poem I'm saving for my angel baby's anniversary on June 3rd:

How do you love a person who never got to be, Or try to envision a face you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live, when there is nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?

I love you, my little baby, my companion of the night. Wandering through my lonely hours, beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before you ever were born, to live the lovely night of life but never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby, you lived like anyone!

Life's a burst of joy and pain.

And like yours, it's done.

I love you, my little baby, just as if you'd lived for years. No more, no less, I think of you, the Angel of my tears.

-Author Unknown

addingtothepack said...

Thinking of you and your angel babies.

addingtothepack said...

Thinking of you and your angel babies.

Anna said...

I'm sorry. ((((hugs))))

Bec said...

Thinking of you honey :( Missed due dates, anniversaries - they hurt so much.

Clare said...

So sorry for this painful anniversary - it must be especially hard when you're the only one who realizes the significance of the day. I have no idea how i am going to cope with days like this when they come round for me. It scares me a lot. Thank you so much for the kind words you left on my blog and for all your support it means so much. xx

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I didn't name my baby either, and did not know the sex, but that baby is sorely missed. I can understand completely.

Thinking of you and your angel babies.

Hope there is more "sweet" to come this weekend...

Auntie Sissy said...

Thinking of you. Know that you are not alone, but your feelings are completely unique. No one can tell you how to feel. I remember your baby today.

Sarah (LFCA)

cgd said...

I am so sorry and will be thinking of you and your baby. I totally understand the lonely feeling, but a mother will never forget. Your baby continues to live inside of you everyday.
Thinking of you.
Carrie

Aunt Becky said...

Sending you love and light today.

Tillie said...

hugs

keeksaz said...

Thinking of you and your sweet angel babies.