What If>>>

I responded to Resolve and Mel's blog in honor of NIAW a week ago and I have wanted to blog about it like so many other women are doing. However, every time I sit at the computer my stomach turns to knots thinking about my What If. It is dark, It is personal and it is true...which makes it even more personal and pretty terrifying to "lay it out there" for all to read.

My What If is...What if I always feel like a murderer because my body has been unable to support two pregnancies?

Obviously, I know that my previous miscarriages are not considered "murder" by dictionary definition, however I can not shake this feeling that I could have done more. That my losses were direct results of my lack of "action" to save my babies. Which in my mind is pretty similar to murder. I did not do enough to prevent the loss of my babies...let me explain...

With both pregnancies, I was not seeing an RE. The first pregnancy I was not prepared for. What I mean by that is I had focused so much time and energy on GETTING pregnant, I had no idea what to do once I finally got that BFP. I did not know that I needed to have my thy.roid, Prog.esterone and est.rogen tested. I did not know that I should have called in immediately for a Beta with a follow-up in 2 days. I had heard of all these things on my chat board, but those women were going through IVF or IUI's. This was just a simple Clom.id cycle. (not really simple...Clom.id turned me into a she-devil) but when you compare it to an IUI or IVF cycle...it was simple.

Of course I was devastated when I finally went to the Dr. 5 days after my BFP because I was spotting. I didn't know then that spotting was a sign of low prog.esterone....I know that now and I knew that when I got pregnant the second time.

After my first miscarriage I vowed to myself that I was going to be a better advocate for my care and the care of my baby if/when I ever got pregnant again. However, when I found myself pregnant with no treatment completely out of the blue...I found myself unprepared once again.

I did have the foresight to have an ultrasound done by my wonderful friend that is an ultrasound tech at a crisis pregnancy center. Not only did we see our beautiful baby (which really didn't look all that beautiful in society's terms they really do look like blobs at first) but we also saw a flicker of the heartbeat. I was in awe, I was terrified and I was beyond confused.

You see, I am a Christian woman and I truly felt this was our Gift from God (I know all children are, but we FINALLY got pregnant ON OUR OWN after FIVE years!!!) I just wanted to have faith and I wanted to believe that there was no way God would give us this true miracle and rip it away. So I nonchalantly made an appt. with my OB...they confirmed the pregnancy (but did not do an ultrasound). I practically had to force her to do a thy.roid and prog.esterone check. She told me it was unnecessary, but since I persisted...she relented and took the blood. However, I did not push to have the results rushed and called into me the next day. I waited. Wanting to be faithful and I did not want God to think I was un-trusting of Him and His ability to perform miracles.

By the time I got the results of my blood work, I had been spotting for 2 days and my precious little baby was gone when the OB did the u/s.

I feel much more responsible for this second m/c. I should have been MUCH more forceful in getting blood work, Betas and Progesterone supplements going. Immediately upon receiving the BFP, I should have called my RE because I know that OB's have little to NO experience with IF patients. But I sat by...passively and just let the cards fall. Boy did they fall.

My world came down around me once again and this time I had no one to blame but myself. Granted I know that if my progesterone level was at 6.2 when I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant (that is when we found out we were pregnant, I miscarried at 7 1/2 weeks) adding progesterone supplements at that point probably would have been too late, but I had symptoms of pregnancy far before that and just refused to acknowledge them. I thought I was losing my mind and was not going to entertain my body "making up" pregnancy symptoms again.

So here I sit with two babies in heaven and a hole in my heart. The What If's of infertility can literally drive you into the nut house. (I know...I have driven by and actually circled around the nut house many times over the last 5 years)

Today, I am more prepared. I take OPK's every day so that I can be sure to never "miss" ovulation again. I have 6 months worth of Prog.esterone supplements sitting next to my bed so that I can start supplementing as soon as ovulation occurs. I have 50 cheap o pregnancy tests under my bathroom sink so I can freely test as much as I would like and I have my RE's phone number on speed dial on my phone.

This time I am ready...I hope.

There is is blogger buddies...my deepest darkest "What If" of infertility.

*breathe*

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