Monday, July 19, 2010

Psychological Warfare

There is only one thing I hate about being infertile more than the actual act of being infertile. That is the psychological warfare that goes along with it.

I especially struggle now because I have been pregnant twice. The first pregnancy was during a Clo.mid cycle, the second was completely un-medicated and unexpected. Both ended the same...miscarriage.

The first miscarriage I was very passive with the doctors, I just didn't believe that after everything we had gone through, that this wouldn't "just work out". Well, it didn't and they believe that progesterone (or lack thereof) is the cause.

The second pregnancy I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was 6.5 weeks along - about as far along as when I lost the first baby. This time I immediately called the doctor, I demanded that they check my progesterone even though the dr. did not believe in progesterone therapy. The one thing I did not do is request a rush on the tests with a phone call the same day informing me of my progesterone numbers. So a week went by before I got the results and by the time the results came, it was too late. I was beginning to miscarry. My progesterone was 6.4 at 6.5 weeks - not enough to sustain a pregnancy...shit.

So now, I take ovulation tests, if I ovulate, I start progesterone right away, test in 2 weeks, call the RE immediately to have blood drawn and will be considered high risk with close monitoring at least through the first trimester.

There is a problem with that scenario however, I don't ovulate regularly and AF has gone missing again. So over the last couple of weeks when I started having some similar symptoms to when I was pregnant both times before, I tried to brush them aside. I was NOT going to allow my mind to dream this up again. I brushed it aside very well up until yesterday.

By breasts had become so sore, I could literally think of NO OTHER reason other than being pregnant. My mind started going 100 miles per hour. I did the easy fer.tility monitor 2 months ago - never even showed a small rise let alone a smiley face. So I stopped taking the tests when the machine told me too and waited for AF. I am still waiting. I started taking pregnancy tests (the really cheap ones I bought on the internet) last week because of the sore bb's and missing AF. They were all negative.

Yesterday evening I just couldn't take it anymore. I asked DH to pick up some pregnancy tests so I could test in the morning with a higher quality test. Maybe the internet cheapies were bunk.

That is when the psychological warfare began.

Surprisingly enough, I fell asleep rather quickly only to wake up at 12:30 am. My mind started racing. I was trying to convince myself I wasn't pregnant followed by a quick analysis of why I thought I was pregnant.
Then I thought about upcoming trips, holidays and how wonderful it would be to be pregnant during those times.
Then the thoughts of "crap" I haven't been taking proge.sterone, am I going to lose this baby too?
Then "if I am pregnant, I am calling my RE first and then my sister second, I will have her go with me to the RE tomorrow for support."
Then "how would I handle it if this pregnancy didn't work out?"
Then "you stupid girl, you don't even know that you are pregnant, your mind probably made up those symptoms just to "f" with you"
Then "why are you doing this to yourself? After five and a half years you think you would handle this better"
Then "There is no sense in staying up arguing with yourself, go back to sleep"
Then "Oh my heart is pounding I think I am having an anxiety attack."
Then "If you are pregnant, anxiety is not good for the baby, you need to relax."

This psychological warfare went on in my head in the middle of the night for over 3 hours. At 3:45 am I finally got out of bed and POAS. I was exhausted and I just wanted my brain to STOP.


Crawled back into bed, sleep a few hours, got up and cried and now I am moving on.


Kakunaa said...

I hate what our brains do to us....I did a post about it last week. I'm so sorry your body is playing tricks on you....I have decided to shut my brain up so that MAYBE I won't be as disappointed if our IVF doesn't work. That's what gets me through the day. I won't be any less disappointed, but it helps now. Get some rest...I'm so sorry sweetie.

Elana said...

I am so sorry that you are still going through this pain. But you know, the internet tests are better than the expensive ones from the store, so you're better off saving the money there. In any case, I hope and pray for you every day. *hugs*

Miss Ruby said...

I'll disagree with Elana and say that I think most internet cheapie tests are crap.

I totally get the mind thing, symptoms arise and you let it start to wonder "am i pregnant?"..."wow if I was, that would be great, I'd be pregnant during x,y and z". It's sooooo easy to do.

Irregular periods just add to the problem really. I've never tested before I was at least 2, usually 3 weeks late, it's helped but of course with irregular periods this makes it hard.

I'm sorry that you didn't get that BFP that you wanted but I still have hope that you will get to experience motherhood AND that you're going to be a fantastic mother!

Big hugs

addingtothepack said...

What a horrible mind f*ck. Especially when you know it's imperative to get on top of any potential pregnancy due to the progesterone deficiency.

I have actually been thinking recently about how I will be in a similar situation (with the irregular periods and what to do about progesterone when you know you have a progesterone deficiency problem) when we TTC again. Before I could always just put it out of my mind and pushing off testing for a looooong time with my whacked long cycles, but now that I know about the progesterone issue that sort of denial/self-preservation with not getting my hopes up is off the table. Boo.

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

I love you girl, im so sorry. I wish I could be there for you right now. love of thoughts your way.

DaisyGal said...

Oh my sweet friend, I could say I'm sorry, but I don't know if it would convey how I feel about this, how sad I am, how sorry I unfair it all is...for you and for me someone in your life who desperately wants you to be PG and will travel to you to hold that baby.


Amanda said...

Yes, it is definitely warfare and you have a history that makes things particularly cruel.

I know it's annoying, but BBT monitoring might be helpful. It's cheap and easy and will let you know if you ovulated. Maybe there is a way that you could do it part time and feel confident about when you need to start progesterone?

Jeremy and Emily said...

I've had almost the exact same conversation with myself several times, so you know you're not alone on that one! I hate it! It not only drives you crazy, but then you feel guilty and crazy for driving YOURSELF crazy! GGGRRRR. I'm gearing up for a round of fem.ara soon, so I can expect some of these wonderful conversations with myself in the near future! UGH!