Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Here we are again...

The holidays...

Last weekend signified the beginning of two very difficult months with three even more difficult holidays in them. I am beyond sick about having to go through another holiday season with no children of our own. As if seeing my fb news feed FLOODED with all of my friend's and family's adorable children dressed up in their costumes wasn't bad enough...I know that this is only the beginning.

I am feeling very forgotten lately. So many people I know are pregnant right now. A lot of them are fellow IF's and for that I am extremely excited for them, but it leaves me feeling very isolated. I joined an IF chat board about 5 years ago and at the time, it was full of IF's that were trying for #1. It was a very comfortable place, with so much support and love. It is still a place with support and love however out of the 100+ women that are on this board, there are 3 or 4 of us that are still trying for #1. It is SO HARD! Some of them are now pregnant with #3 and I just don't feel like I belong there some days.

I believe I told you all that I was seeing a life coach. She is also IF and so she was absolutely wonderful for me! She was a person that "gets it" ...well, she is pregnant. I am elated for her, but again it just made me feel like one more person was leaving me behind.

I suppose that is why I am not blogging as much either. So many of you have had your happy ending and I am still here. Of course I am ecstatic for all of you and it is nice to hear of the success stories, but again, I feel left behind.

I have had so many people ask me, why have you been trying for 6 years and haven't done IVF? Well, there are lots of reasons:
1. We don't have the money nor do we have ANY IF insurance coverage
2. I have been pregnant twice (once with Clo.mid, and once completely naturally)
3. I have endured 2 surgeries which required us to take time off from TTC
4. We don't have the money
5. We had decided to adopt (prior to most recent pg) and therefore, weren't TTC
6. We have had mixed diagnosis as to what exactly our problem is and therefore the best way to treat it
7. We don't have the money

Do you see a pattern here? Yes, there are lots of reasons, but the BIGGEST reason is money. Which is why I am even more bitter. Since when did MONEY decide how I would build my family? Meanwhile, some of my money is going to pay for daycare, meals and insurance for those families that can't afford it. What about my family?

I used to love the holidays. Now I hate them. I love my family, but the stress of being around everyone is just too much sometimes. If you will remember, me and two of my sisters' were pg at the same time. Their children are now 2 years old. I should have a 2 year old right now. Instead I have two babies in heaven and none in my arms.

I hate the holidays. I hate feeling like the huge white elephant in the room. I hate that I want to burst into tears every time I hear a heartwarming story about someone's kids. I HATE it when people (even IF people) tell me that I am young, and I have plenty of time. Sure, I may not be in my late 30's or early 40's, but IT ISN'T GETTING ANY EASIER THE OLDER I GET. After trying for 6 years and two dead babies, my stats aren't exactly looking that great so take your stupid platitudes and shove them!

Ok, that was harsh, but I had to get that out of my system. I know people mean well, I know that they are trying to be encouraging. I am just not feeling very encouraged right now.


keeksaz said...

How you're feeling makes total sense. 6 years is a really long time and you have every right to be upset. It's not fair. You are definitely not alone and not forgotten. *hugs*.

Kakunaa said...

I fear I am one of those people who will upset you, but I still wanted to send you hugs...

♥ ♥ Just a Girl in Love w/ a Soldier ♥ ♥ said...

This breaks my heart to read and to know that I have known you for 4 of those 6 years. I wish nothing more than for you to find happiness, I wish there was something that we could do for you. I cant say prayer is enough bc it dosent fill like it is. I hate seeing you so down on yourself and hating the holidays. I just want to wrap you up in my arms and tell you it will be ok, BUT then again im sure you have heard that a million times as well and im sure you dont want to hear it again. I love you girl and will cont. to pray for you and P and that God may bless you with a child of your very own.

i love you lots an lots :)

valerie said...

You're so not alone....
Know what you mean

Jeremy and Emily said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Nichole. I wish there were something I could do to make you feel better, but because I've been there, I know there isn't really anything to say. Just know that I think about you all the time and I'm praying for you. Not just to get pg, but to have the strength to make it through these hard times before you do (and I fully believe you will). can you email me and tell me what you guys are doing in your cycle? I know you're doing femara, but what's the process? Are you doing and ultrasound and trigger shot?

Anonymous said...

Hi! This is the first time I'm visiting and I am sorry you are feeling so down! It is certainly very hard to be the one that is left behind! I have also done the comparisons in the past - comparing my childlessness and the time we have been trying to others that have 3 children already. Its all very depressing. I hope you will feel better soon!

DaisyGal said...

I think everything you said has merit and is RIGHT...it's not fair and it's not right. If anyone in the world deserves to be holding a baby right now it's you...and you know "I BELIEVE " that...because I do.

now, I know that I am one of those people, from that board, who makes your heart ache. I don't have any platitudes today and even I did, I'd stick em..just for you.

The holidays...are still hard for me you know, cause I get to remember what it was like to be childless and then I look at my kiddos and I remember women like you...who would be amazing moms and I am awash with guilt and sadness for you and every other couple that is wishing for a "gift" this holiday season.

and the $$$..oh yeah, that I understand..the loan we took for the IVF is still haunting us. Probably always will. WHich is hard when you want to give your kids "everything" right?

Honey, I'm just so sorry..I do believe your baby is on the way to you....and I just want you to hang on, and hold HOPE in your heart.

Love you MUCH