Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Sleep makes things better

Many of you have asked how I am holding up. I am doing much better today. Pace and I resolved our differences, I got some sleep last night and am in much better spirits.

Honestly, I felt like crap yesterday. I felt like the worst person and worst sister ever. Here my sister was celebrating the birth of her new baby and I was sad. I was happy for her, but very sad for me. This is her second child during the time that we have been trying for one and I was sad yesterday. That made me feel even worse.

What kind of a sister is sad about her sister's new baby? What kind of person have I become? What kind of sister have I become? So that just sent me even lower. This morning however, I woke up feeling different. I felt like I had a little bit of clarification. I was sad yesterday because I was grieving. I was realizing that I should be getting ready to give birth in 2 months. I should be big and fat and pregnant and preparing my own birth plan. But I'm not. I wasn't sad that my sister had a baby, I was sad that mine was no longer here.

Truth be told, I am estatic for both of my sisters. They are both wonderful mothers and the world definately needs more good mothers out there. They are both able to stay home with their kids, they are both financially stable, and VERY deserving.

I threw my pity party last night, and now I am over it. Instead I am diving into other things. I am trying not to think about being in the 2WW. I am keeping myself busy at work, reading a lot of books, spending lots of time with friends and just trying to get through the next 2 weeks without freaking out and without looking into any symptoms.

I saw pics of my new little nephew and he is adorable! He looks exactly like his brothers and sisters.

Also - I have oficially decided that I can't watch P.riva.te Pr.actice anymore. Everyone sleeping with each other, horribly parenting, badly depicted fertility treatments, it is all just too much. I still love Gr.ey's An.atomy and will continue watching that.


Nikki said...

You're not a bad person or a bad sister Nichole! You're just being honest with your feelings and your feelings are totally normal!

Hugs to you - you're a brave, strong woman, and your sisters are lucky to have you as a sister!

Dana said...

I agree with Nikki...You are NOT a bad person. I feel the same way about a very close friend of mine that is pg...and when my sis was pg it was so tough. You are still grieving and you should allow yourself to grieve. I think you are so strong and know I am praying for you sweety. Love you!!! HUGS!!!

LJ said...

I'm with you on Pri Prac. It's total crap. They turned Addison into Addie McBeal - it's just not the same. Though I have to watch it this week for the crossovers...

Dreamer4agift said...

Glad to hear you're doing well...sleep does a body good...along with having your moment to grieve.

I, too, was hurt when my sis got pg with her 2nd BIL just looks at her and she gets knocked up, wth? But,like you, i was grieving my not being where I wanted or imagined to be, not her having a child. Keep your head up and in this positive direction. We're all here supporting you!((hugs))

The Two of Us said...

How are you doing... glad to see you are keeping your head up and staying strong:)