2009 In Review

January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.

February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.

March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.

April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.

May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.

June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.

July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!

August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.

September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.

October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.

November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.

December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!

*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.

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What a week this has been. I will start off with the good news because, it is short and sweet and the rest of this blog will probably be negative Nelly, so it is good to start on a positive note.

My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.

I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.

Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.

At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!

I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.

Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.

Second surgery of the year...done

What a day yesterday! It started with Pace waking up at 4:30 to make me breakfast since I couldn't eat or drink anything after 5:30 am - what a guy! After that we both got ready for work and headed in for our half days. Then we headed for the surgery center. When we first walked in I was NOT impressed. It was a very small, VERY crowded waiting room and the staff didn't seem very professional. I felt so bad having to leave Pace out in that tiny room during my surgery. After just a few minutes the nurse called me back. They were WONDERFUL! I felt like I was surrounded by a bunch of moms. They were all very nurturing, understanding and just fantastic.

The anestesiologist (I have no idea how to spell that and apparently spell check doesn't either) was hysterical! All of that combined really put me at ease. they had a really hard time getting my IV in again but they finally got it on the third stick (two on the right arm and then finally one on the left). I was able to walk into the OR myself which was different than my last lap. It was neat being able to hear the witty banter of the nurses, doctors and such. I finally got my cocktail and was knocked out immediately.

The surgery went very well. They were able to remove the entire mass with minimal trauma to the ovary. They also checked my tubes and looked for more endo, but all was clear! That is great news. I should have the pathology results next week, and my post-op appt. with the RE is next Wednesday, so we should know more after that.

So far I have felt really good. Of course I am sore, but I remember being MUCH more uncomfortable with the last lap, and I have two extra incisions this time. Personally I think my RE was just more gentle and knew what he was doing more than the GYN that did my lap. I was MISERABLE last time. I took one pain pill last night before bed because I was scared I would wake up in a lot of pain, but I still feel pretty good.

Pace had to work today, so my sweet friend "T" took the day off to come hang out with me. It will be so nice to spend the day with her. She is wonderful!

I was witness to another pregnancy announcement yesterday. At work. In front of everyone, my boss shared that his daughter (who is my age) is expecting. They just got married last December, weren't trying, don't have jobs etc. It was VERY uncomfortable for me and I just had to fight back my tears. I was already kind of nervous about my surgery, and then for that to be thrown in the mix was just really hard.

I am trying to stay faithful Lord, but after four and a half years, one miscarriage, two surgeries I am getting tired. Pace and I are no longer on the same page as far as future TTC and I feel defeated. Please show me the way and I will follow. I'm just exhausted.

Thank you all for your love, kind words and support. It literally brings tears to my eyes and humbleness to my heart to know that all of you are here with me, supporting me and encouraging me. You all are wonderful and I have no idea where I would be without you. MUAH!