So I guess we have decided to not put all of our "eggs" in one basket and we are going to continue TTC with minimal treatment in addition to pursuing adoption. I spoke to our social worker yesterday and she said all of the paperwork is in and she is starting to write our home study. She said it would be done by next week, her supervisors would review and proof read it and then send it off to the courts. It is pretty exciting.
I thought the process would take longer honestly, and I am not really sure where we are going to go from here. Personally right now I am leaning more towards going with an adoption attorney because they don't cost quite as much, but at the same time, I think the wait time will be less if we go with an agency. We still have about a month before we are certified, so we have time to consider it and make a decision.
In other egg news...the mama dove is still there. My husband has been very patient and I am grateful. I called an aviary and spoke to a lady that told me as soon as the eggs hatch, we can safely move the nest and the mama bird will find her babies and continue to raise them. For what it's worth, she said the "if you touch the nest, the mama bird will smell you and abandon the nest" is an old wives tale and completely untrue. So we are thinking in the next couple of days, the eggs should hatch - I will definitely get pics!
And other news: We are officially on "O" watch. I am currently on CD8 and have resumed the daily POAS.
Please keep my friend "B" in your prayers. She had her sweet baby girl a week ago but was taken to the emergency room on Saturday night and is still in the hospital with Post partum eclampsia. She is not doing well, they can't keep her blood pressure down and they have no idea how long she will have to stay in the hospital. She is in excruciating pain, having horrible headaches and is terrified. She has had to be away from her brand new baby girl since Saturday, she has had to stop breastfeeding and is very sad about this. She hasn't wanted any visitors, but I think I am just going to drive down to the hospital tonight and not give her any choice - please pray for her quick recovery and no permanent damage!
Wanted to update: I added a link at the top of my blog for you to click on if you have 2 seconds to spare. It is a great cause with a great story behind it. A woman by the name of Erin wants to buy a home that will be used as a respite house for those who have lost children to terminal illnesses. I have a couple of friends and a family member who could have benefited greatly from a place like this! Please vote - it is in 3rd place right now and needs to be in 1st!!!
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
1+1 doesn't always = 2
Last night was our final home study meeting. It was surprisingly painless. I was expecting the individual interviews to be much more in depth and lengthy, but it was quite superficial and short. Honestly, I am ok with that.
I am feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. The last month has taken a toll on my body (which is proven by the swollen glands in my neck that I have been battling for the last month and the daily headaches for the last week and a half).
I know I haven't really updated since our most recent miscarriage, mostly because I am not really sure what to say. I am sure I am going to get blasted by writing this post, but I am going to be honest and those who read can agree or disagree.
My old RE left the practice we were going to and opened up his own. When I started spotting when I was pregnant, I didn't know what to do other than call the office of my old RE because I have their number in my cell phone. The Dr. that called me back (I will call him Dr. Awesome) was my old RE's business partner. After I miscarried Dr. Awesome called me and said he wanted to have a follow up appt. with me.
I went to the appt. and he put a lot of things on the table that had never been presented to us before by Dr. Money Hungry (previous RE that pushed IVF over and over again). Dr. Awesome thinks that we can conceive on our own with some help from some new medication. Progesterone supplements are a must in order to keep me pregnant, should I get pregnant again. There are some other meds he thinks will help regulate my cycles and enhance my ovulation. He does not think IUI or IVF is a real need for us.
This is great news right? After five years of TTC, endless amounts of failed cycles, 2 surgeries, 2 miscarriages...this should make me want to do a jig in the street! Then why do I feel so crappy about it? The answer is: for many reasons.
1. Before my most recent pregnancy, I was completely ok with not having biological children, with not carrying a pregnancy. However, my most recent pregnancy brought back those desires to some extent and I am feeling conflicted.
2. If these options had been presented to us 3 years ago, could it have saved the lives of my two angels? If I had pushed for more information, more tests, more options...could I have a baby in my arms right now? If I would have followed my gut feelings about Dr. Money Hungry and had a consult with Dr. Awesome years ago...could things have been different for us and our angel babies?
3. Before my most recent pregnancy I was excited about the adoption process. I was putting together a baby registry, I was writing our very own baby book, I no longer felt sadness or bitterness when I received yet another pregnancy announcement. Although I am still excited about the adoption process, I have lost some of the passion. I haven't looked at the baby registry since my miscarriage. I have not touched the baby book I was writing in over a month. I know that passion will return once I have healed from this most recent miscarriage, but it is hard to go through the motions when I am just not feeling it right now. Seeing pregnant women is hard for me again, pregnancy announcements hurt again and birth announcements are even worse. I don't want to be that person again!
4. It has put TTC back on the table which Pace and I weren't really prepared for. As I have previously blogged about, Pace and I were done. At least for the time being. We did not have a desire to TTC, so it was very easy to pursue adoption without looking back. However...now that there are some very easy, inexpensive options in front of us, it has brought those discussions and decisions back to the table. It makes me a little uncomfortable. We are both terrified of getting pregnant and miscarrying again, we are also terrified of NOT getting pregnant again. Are we ready to get back on that roller coaster?
Obviously we are moving forward with getting certified to adopt. We still have a heart and desire to adopt and that will never change whether or not we have biological children. Pace and I always wanted to adopt, even before infertility, so it just makes sense to finish what we started with the home study process.
However, is there also a place for TTC in this equation? I don't know the answer to that. Before my last pregnancy I knew. Now...I don't.
I am feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. The last month has taken a toll on my body (which is proven by the swollen glands in my neck that I have been battling for the last month and the daily headaches for the last week and a half).
I know I haven't really updated since our most recent miscarriage, mostly because I am not really sure what to say. I am sure I am going to get blasted by writing this post, but I am going to be honest and those who read can agree or disagree.
My old RE left the practice we were going to and opened up his own. When I started spotting when I was pregnant, I didn't know what to do other than call the office of my old RE because I have their number in my cell phone. The Dr. that called me back (I will call him Dr. Awesome) was my old RE's business partner. After I miscarried Dr. Awesome called me and said he wanted to have a follow up appt. with me.
I went to the appt. and he put a lot of things on the table that had never been presented to us before by Dr. Money Hungry (previous RE that pushed IVF over and over again). Dr. Awesome thinks that we can conceive on our own with some help from some new medication. Progesterone supplements are a must in order to keep me pregnant, should I get pregnant again. There are some other meds he thinks will help regulate my cycles and enhance my ovulation. He does not think IUI or IVF is a real need for us.
This is great news right? After five years of TTC, endless amounts of failed cycles, 2 surgeries, 2 miscarriages...this should make me want to do a jig in the street! Then why do I feel so crappy about it? The answer is: for many reasons.
1. Before my most recent pregnancy, I was completely ok with not having biological children, with not carrying a pregnancy. However, my most recent pregnancy brought back those desires to some extent and I am feeling conflicted.
2. If these options had been presented to us 3 years ago, could it have saved the lives of my two angels? If I had pushed for more information, more tests, more options...could I have a baby in my arms right now? If I would have followed my gut feelings about Dr. Money Hungry and had a consult with Dr. Awesome years ago...could things have been different for us and our angel babies?
3. Before my most recent pregnancy I was excited about the adoption process. I was putting together a baby registry, I was writing our very own baby book, I no longer felt sadness or bitterness when I received yet another pregnancy announcement. Although I am still excited about the adoption process, I have lost some of the passion. I haven't looked at the baby registry since my miscarriage. I have not touched the baby book I was writing in over a month. I know that passion will return once I have healed from this most recent miscarriage, but it is hard to go through the motions when I am just not feeling it right now. Seeing pregnant women is hard for me again, pregnancy announcements hurt again and birth announcements are even worse. I don't want to be that person again!
4. It has put TTC back on the table which Pace and I weren't really prepared for. As I have previously blogged about, Pace and I were done. At least for the time being. We did not have a desire to TTC, so it was very easy to pursue adoption without looking back. However...now that there are some very easy, inexpensive options in front of us, it has brought those discussions and decisions back to the table. It makes me a little uncomfortable. We are both terrified of getting pregnant and miscarrying again, we are also terrified of NOT getting pregnant again. Are we ready to get back on that roller coaster?
Obviously we are moving forward with getting certified to adopt. We still have a heart and desire to adopt and that will never change whether or not we have biological children. Pace and I always wanted to adopt, even before infertility, so it just makes sense to finish what we started with the home study process.
However, is there also a place for TTC in this equation? I don't know the answer to that. Before my last pregnancy I knew. Now...I don't.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I have no words
I have no words
Correct that...
I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.
I just can't put them together to make any sense.
So that is all the blog I have.
Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.
Correct that...
I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.
I just can't put them together to make any sense.
So that is all the blog I have.
Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
S.T.R.U.G.G.L.I.N.G.
I am struggling friends. As I have previously mentioned, work is VERY stressful right now. Some days I just wish they would shut the damn doors so I could just move on. I hate this limbo crap of not knowing what the hell my future looks like. I guess after infertility I should be used to this feeling but darn it, I'm not.
My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.
I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.
I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.
I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.
So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.
Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.
Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.
So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)
I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.
My friend and co-worker that has breast cancer did NOT get laid off. Thank Goodness! They did cut her pay pretty dramatically, but she still has a job.
I attended the monthly infertility support group meeting last week and it made me realize how bitter I still am. Here we are on a break that I DON'T WANT TO TAKE. I am taking it because my husband needed it, I probably needed it too, but I didn't WANT it. For the first time in years I have no idea where I am at in my cycle, I have no idea if I ovulated, I am clueless. AND I HATE IT. I haven't done any research, I have been very bad at blogging, I have just kind of become a hermit. I just feel lost. My husband said that he wanted his wife back...well... I am NEVER going to be the person I was 5 years ago. My heart has been ripped out, stomped on, spit on, shredded to pieces and then stuffed back in this broken, malfunctioning body of mine. I will never be the same goo-goo ga-ga-ooooh- I- am- SO- in- love- nothing- can- ever- go- wrong- in- my- life- naive person again. No break will EVER make that pain go away. I can't just flip the switch from "actively TTC" to "On a break" and act like nothing is wrong.
I have two very close friends that are pregnant right now. One is having a baby shower this weekend. I have no idea if I will be able to go. Thankfully she is a dear and totally understands and supports me being there....or not. My other friend however, I am not so sure she will be as understanding.
I think that being on a break is driving me more insane than actively TTC did. I feel helpless, hopeless, distant, lost. I am tired of standing still. I have been standing still for over a year and I don't want to do it anymore. I need to move forward.
So I am taking small steps to move forward. I have told my husband what I plan on doing, but the steps are small enough that it appears to not be upsetting the "we are on a break" cart.
Step One: I have Nat.ive Amer.ican blood in me and recently my friend on FB adopted a Nat.ive Amer.ican baby within days of getting certified because she has her "Ind.ian card" (that's what my mom calls it). Nat.ive Amer.icans will only adopt out to other NA. (it is some triballaw) That leaves a market open to me that may not be open to others and I expect to take full advantage of that. So, I am going to contact my mom and start figuring out how I can get my "Ind.ian card" That way if we do end up adopting, I will already have that in place. If we don't end up adopting, there are other benefits I could utilize from having that card.
Step Two: I have been brainstorming fundraising ideas for adoption. I am going to talk to my brother (who is an investment broker and handles all our money) about setting up a separate, private account for donations and fundraising. I need to put on my big girl panties and stop being scared to ask for financial help because...we need it. If I don't ask, we will never have children.
So, that is me right now, I am bitter, angry, tired and overall in a Bad mood (if you have seen 40 year old virgin, you know how that quote is supposed to go - I love that quote!)
I guess sometimes we are ok, and others we are not. Right now I am not.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A lot can happen in a year (part 2)
A year ago today I was probably happier than I have ever been. We had told pretty much everyone. All of our friends knew, my co-workers knew, some of Pace's co-workers knew. Not that I look back on that I think "How frickin stupid can you be? Why in the hell would you do that to yourself?" Of course...I had no idea what the next couple of days were going to bring.
Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.
It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.
How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.
I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.
Why did we tell so many people?
Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.
It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.
How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.
I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.
Why did we tell so many people?
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Untitled
What a week this has been. I will start off with the good news because, it is short and sweet and the rest of this blog will probably be negative Nelly, so it is good to start on a positive note.
My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.
I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.
Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.
At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!
I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.
Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.
My pathology report came back A-ok. I didn't really get information on what exactly it was or what caused it, or what the recurrence rate is all I needed to know yesterday is that it is benign. I will have additional information after my post-op appointment tomorrow, but I am just so grateful, it wasn't anything serious.
I have no idea where our TTC future is going to lead. I will consult with our RE tomorrow to see what his opinion is (I am already pretty sure I know what he is going to say, but I will ask anyway). I am all ready to jump into treatment again (providing that we can afford it). The last year has been a total waste of time infertility wise. Last August was my miscarriage (God I can't believe it's been a year) we have done one Clo.mid cycle since then which is when we found my little alien. That is 11 months of waiting...not really TTC, not doing anything out of the ordinary to try and get pregnant. I am tired of waiting.
Pace on the other hand isn't. He is not ready to move forward, he isn't sure that he wants to do treatments anymore. Throughout the last four and a half years we have pretty much been on at least close to the same page. Now we are in completely different books.
At one point I was ready to give up on treatments and just move forward with adoption. I needed results, I want to be a mommy and obviously that wasn't happening for us physically. However the financial aspect of adoption and all of the political red tape really scared me off. We just don't have that kind of money. We don't have money for IVF either, so if the RE tells us that is where we need to be...we will decline. We will move on and it will be over. On the flip side if he thinks we could try again with a few IUI's - I am all for that!
I am just so damn frustrated. I want to be sympathetic with Pace's feelings and decisions and I am grateful that he felt he could be honest with me about his feelings, but at the same time I am frustrated that once again this is being put on hold. After the miscarriage we were on hold while my body healed, then I had surgery in January, I was told to wait 3 months before doing Clo.mid again - on hold. Did one cycle of Clo.mid and then on hold again while we tried to figure out what the alien creature was doing. On hold while my body heals after surgery and now on hold because we aren't on the same page.
Since January I have had six pregnancy announcements (3 within the last 2 weeks alone) and I am just so exhausted. I hate this I hate this I hate this. I hate the entire situation, I hate the feelings, I hate how people feel they have to tip-toe around us, I hate the treatment, I hate what this is doing to my marriage, I hate what this is doing to me.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Whew...need to get caught up!
I haven't written a lot lately because it has just been crazy around our home. Wednesday was my birthday (which I previously posted about) Thursday was back to work as usual. Pace and I both had Friday off so we got up, did some chores and then invited some friends and family over to swim and hang out. That is when the weekend got really interesting.
I had just gotten out of the pool and was visiting with my MIL when I heard someone at the door. One of my friends went inside to answer it, so I just stayed outside and visited. I heard someone coming out through the back door and turned to see who it was and to my surprise, it was my dear friends Jared and Tiffany from Hawaii! Jared is stationed in Hawaii right now with the Army and they TOTALLY surprised me with a visit. It was so amazing. I was shaking and crying, this was just by far the most amazing birthday EVER!
So the rest of the weekend consisted of finishing our fire pit seating, installing the horseshoe pits, mowing the yard, finishing our tiki bar (I'll explain later) swimming, hosting bbq's, attending bbq's and just having a darn nice time with friends. It really was just a super weekend.
This Saturday we are having a Luau themed birthday party for me. I am so excited, the party really has turned into more of a Luau than a "birthday party" which is fine by me. Pace and I have really put a lot of work into this party and we will be so happy when we are finally able to enjoy the party with our friends!
For the party, we used palm trimmings to form our very own tiki cover which will cover the tiki bar. We have a margarita machine (which I will make my favorite mango Daiquiris in) tons of decorations, horseshoe pits, ping pong, badminton, swimming, Wii, pinball...NO ONE should be bored, and if they are...it's their own fault!
We are just going to do sub sandwiches, chips and dip and cool decorative fruit bowls. (Well, I think they are going to be cool, they look really cool in my head...we will see how they turn out) LOL I know, I know...we should be roasting a pig or something but it is projected to be 114 here on Saturday and I want Pace to be able to enjoy the party instead of worrying about cooking and such. So I am very excited for the party!!! I will post pictures of it next week!
On the infertility front...I have really put it out of my mind (as much as possible) for now. I have preoccupied myself with the party and am totally ok with that. I have my follow up appt. with the RE today, I had actually forgotten about it until yesterday (that is such an awesome feeling!). So today I will find out what that pesky cyst is doing and also find out what my ovarian reserve level is at. Kind of scary, but it will be nice to have some answers.
Love to you all - I hope you all had a fantastic fourth of July and hopefully I can upload some pics very soon!
I had just gotten out of the pool and was visiting with my MIL when I heard someone at the door. One of my friends went inside to answer it, so I just stayed outside and visited. I heard someone coming out through the back door and turned to see who it was and to my surprise, it was my dear friends Jared and Tiffany from Hawaii! Jared is stationed in Hawaii right now with the Army and they TOTALLY surprised me with a visit. It was so amazing. I was shaking and crying, this was just by far the most amazing birthday EVER!
So the rest of the weekend consisted of finishing our fire pit seating, installing the horseshoe pits, mowing the yard, finishing our tiki bar (I'll explain later) swimming, hosting bbq's, attending bbq's and just having a darn nice time with friends. It really was just a super weekend.
This Saturday we are having a Luau themed birthday party for me. I am so excited, the party really has turned into more of a Luau than a "birthday party" which is fine by me. Pace and I have really put a lot of work into this party and we will be so happy when we are finally able to enjoy the party with our friends!
For the party, we used palm trimmings to form our very own tiki cover which will cover the tiki bar. We have a margarita machine (which I will make my favorite mango Daiquiris in) tons of decorations, horseshoe pits, ping pong, badminton, swimming, Wii, pinball...NO ONE should be bored, and if they are...it's their own fault!
We are just going to do sub sandwiches, chips and dip and cool decorative fruit bowls. (Well, I think they are going to be cool, they look really cool in my head...we will see how they turn out) LOL I know, I know...we should be roasting a pig or something but it is projected to be 114 here on Saturday and I want Pace to be able to enjoy the party instead of worrying about cooking and such. So I am very excited for the party!!! I will post pictures of it next week!
On the infertility front...I have really put it out of my mind (as much as possible) for now. I have preoccupied myself with the party and am totally ok with that. I have my follow up appt. with the RE today, I had actually forgotten about it until yesterday (that is such an awesome feeling!). So today I will find out what that pesky cyst is doing and also find out what my ovarian reserve level is at. Kind of scary, but it will be nice to have some answers.
Love to you all - I hope you all had a fantastic fourth of July and hopefully I can upload some pics very soon!
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
It is what it is...
My husband says that all the time and honestly sometimes it really irritates the crap out of me. It seems like a scapegoat, a cop-out, but this morning as I was getting ready for work, I was struck with an entirely different perspective.
Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.
I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.
It is what it is.
And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.
I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.
I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!
Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.
God Bless!
Today I am 28 years old. All 3 of my sisters had their first babies when they were 27, and if it weren't for my miscarriage, I would have followed suit. But today changed that. Now I am 28, I have crossed the threshold that I had placed on myself, the time table I had set for having our first child (actually I was hoping to be working on #2 for my 27th). When I had this realization this morning, the first thing that came to me was "It is what it is." There isn't a darn thing I can do about it now.
I can be sad, I can be upset and declare to everyone how stinking unfair this is, but it wouldn't change anything.
I can lock myself in my room tonight and sulk that I don't have a baby to hold or a little voice to say "Happy Birthday Mommy" but it wouldn't change anything.
I can cry and scream, be angry and bitter but it wouldn't change anything.
It is what it is.
And I'm ok with that for today. Today is my birthday and infertility is not going to take another wonderful birthday away from me.
I am so blessed to have a wonderfully supportive family, and amazing husband who loves me when I can't love myself. I have two wonderful fur babies that drive me crazy sometimes but most of the time I am just crazy in love with them. I have great friends that support us, enjoy spending time with us and would do anything for us. I have a beautiful home that Pace and I have decorated, designed and worked on together. I have a job. Pace has a job. I have a wonderful life. Yes, the Infertility portion of it totally sucks, but it is what it is. I can't do anything more to change it at this point in time, so for once I am just going to allow it to be.
I am going to go have oodles and oodles of sushi tonight and enjoy every last bite!
Thank you all for your love and your support. You all have cheered me on when I was high and when I was low. I know the low will come again, but for now I am going to fight it off and enjoy the things that I have been blessed with over the years that have been taken for granted.
God Bless!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
I am laying it out there...
First of all, I wanted to update you all and tell you that I had "the" talk about my sister trip with my mom the other night. It was AMAZING and for the first time, I really opened up to her about the emotional side of all of this crap. She was so much more understanding and compassionate than I ever could have asked for. It was such a great conversation and I realized how much I have allowed myself to suffer in silence, when I should have been calling my mom and crying on her shoulder begging for words of encouragement.
Then...I had the first conversation with one of my sisters about the infamous "sister trip" I told her I wouldn't be making it for the sister trip this year. I told her we would be knee deep in fertility treatments and I really needed to focus on that. I also told her that it would be very difficult for me to be around her new baby as well as my other sisters new baby (5 weeks and 10 weeks old respectively). I told her that I was still just too raw. There was a pause on the other end and then she said "I totally understand, I am so sorry, I didn't even think about that."
Enter sigh of relief here
I need to talk to my other two sisters, but for now, I think they won't be bothering me about the sister trip anymore.
There has been something that has been plaguing my mind the last week or two and I am just going to lay it out there and hope that everyone that reads it understands and doesn't take this the wrong way:
Is it just me or are a much higher rate of my fellow infertile bloggers getting pregnant?
It seems like every day there is a new pregnancy announcement on my blog roll which is WONDERFUL! That is absolutely amazing - and Bec - I hope to see yours tomorrow.
I just want a piece of that pie too - whatever all my blogsters are doing out there it seems to be working. Pass some of it over here ok? I'm not sure I can stomach another holiday season without a baby in my belly.
Then...I had the first conversation with one of my sisters about the infamous "sister trip" I told her I wouldn't be making it for the sister trip this year. I told her we would be knee deep in fertility treatments and I really needed to focus on that. I also told her that it would be very difficult for me to be around her new baby as well as my other sisters new baby (5 weeks and 10 weeks old respectively). I told her that I was still just too raw. There was a pause on the other end and then she said "I totally understand, I am so sorry, I didn't even think about that."
Enter sigh of relief here
I need to talk to my other two sisters, but for now, I think they won't be bothering me about the sister trip anymore.
There has been something that has been plaguing my mind the last week or two and I am just going to lay it out there and hope that everyone that reads it understands and doesn't take this the wrong way:
Is it just me or are a much higher rate of my fellow infertile bloggers getting pregnant?
It seems like every day there is a new pregnancy announcement on my blog roll which is WONDERFUL! That is absolutely amazing - and Bec - I hope to see yours tomorrow.
I just want a piece of that pie too - whatever all my blogsters are doing out there it seems to be working. Pass some of it over here ok? I'm not sure I can stomach another holiday season without a baby in my belly.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A plan...of sorts
The appointment went as I imagined.
We will call my Gyn...Dr. Monotone, because he has absolutely no bedside manner and well...speaks in monotone. Thankfully I was not forced to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women (the last time Dr. Monotone made me sit out there for an hour and a half - TORTURE!) Oh...and the nurses there - I like to call them Ms. Illiterate because apparently they can't read medical charts OR body language. Not just one or two of them...I have not found ONE nurse there I like!
So Ms. illiterate calls me back, does the normal blood pressure stuff (which by the way was 118/80) :-) and then started asking me a series of questions...but not really questions. She didn't ask me "When was the first day of your last period?" She would say "So the first day of your last period was...*akward silence*" I finally realized she was waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I don't like to play fill in the blanks, if you want to know something I want you to ask me. Ask me correctly.
So I grit my teeth, fill in the blanks for her and then she tells me that Dr. Monotone will be in shortly. 35 minutes later (thank goodness I stopped and bought a trashy celebrity magazine on my way so I didn't have to read one of their pg magazines) Dr. Monotone came in. He reviewed my fill in the blank answers and then asked a few of his own. Then he asked me what I wanted to do from here...and I told him.
"I want a prescription for Pro.vera so that I can bring on AF, I want a prescription for 100mg of Clo.mid. I want to come in on/around Day 21 of my cycle so you can check my Progest.erone. If you can confirm that I ovulated and my progest.erone is low like I suspect it will be given recent history, I want to be put on progest.erone supplements. As soon as I get a positive HPT I want to come in the same day for a progest.erone check and a Quantitative BETA. I want to adjust my progest.erone if needed and do a repeat BETA 48 hours later. - repeat as necessary"
"Well," he says, "sounds like you know where you want to go from here."
"Yep." I replied.
I went further and showed him my lab results from my appointment with Dr. Hormone yesterday. and he actually seemed a little peeved (why is it that Dr.'s think that patients should only be seeing one Dr. not multiple? Are they afraid that the other Dr. won't agree with their diagnosis or treatment? Well, that is one of the reasons I work with two Dr.'s. I always have a second opinion at my fingertips)
He asked me "So are you going through these steps with Dr. Hormone or did you want us to monitor you."
I reply. "I wold love to have Dr. Hormone monitor my cycles, however insurance doesn't cover him and their office is far away, so I would like to have you monitor them."
He seemed semi-content with that so he ordered up a pg test (I think that was his way of getting me back for two-timing him with Dr. Hormone.) of course it was negative and Ms. Illiterate made sure to tell me that...quite frankly - apparently that is one thing she can read...pee sticks.
I got my prescriptions and marched out the door feeling proud of myself, I got to my truck, called Pace...and then fell apart. We are right back where we were a year ago. A freaking year ago! I am so damn scared of getting pregnant and miscarrying again - I know that will be my final straw.
So there ya have it - Take 4. Pro.vera, Clo.mid, Progest.erone blah, blah, blah
We will call my Gyn...Dr. Monotone, because he has absolutely no bedside manner and well...speaks in monotone. Thankfully I was not forced to sit in the waiting room with a bunch of pregnant women (the last time Dr. Monotone made me sit out there for an hour and a half - TORTURE!) Oh...and the nurses there - I like to call them Ms. Illiterate because apparently they can't read medical charts OR body language. Not just one or two of them...I have not found ONE nurse there I like!
So Ms. illiterate calls me back, does the normal blood pressure stuff (which by the way was 118/80) :-) and then started asking me a series of questions...but not really questions. She didn't ask me "When was the first day of your last period?" She would say "So the first day of your last period was...*akward silence*" I finally realized she was waiting for me to fill in the blanks. I don't like to play fill in the blanks, if you want to know something I want you to ask me. Ask me correctly.
So I grit my teeth, fill in the blanks for her and then she tells me that Dr. Monotone will be in shortly. 35 minutes later (thank goodness I stopped and bought a trashy celebrity magazine on my way so I didn't have to read one of their pg magazines) Dr. Monotone came in. He reviewed my fill in the blank answers and then asked a few of his own. Then he asked me what I wanted to do from here...and I told him.
"I want a prescription for Pro.vera so that I can bring on AF, I want a prescription for 100mg of Clo.mid. I want to come in on/around Day 21 of my cycle so you can check my Progest.erone. If you can confirm that I ovulated and my progest.erone is low like I suspect it will be given recent history, I want to be put on progest.erone supplements. As soon as I get a positive HPT I want to come in the same day for a progest.erone check and a Quantitative BETA. I want to adjust my progest.erone if needed and do a repeat BETA 48 hours later. - repeat as necessary"
"Well," he says, "sounds like you know where you want to go from here."
"Yep." I replied.
I went further and showed him my lab results from my appointment with Dr. Hormone yesterday. and he actually seemed a little peeved (why is it that Dr.'s think that patients should only be seeing one Dr. not multiple? Are they afraid that the other Dr. won't agree with their diagnosis or treatment? Well, that is one of the reasons I work with two Dr.'s. I always have a second opinion at my fingertips)
He asked me "So are you going through these steps with Dr. Hormone or did you want us to monitor you."
I reply. "I wold love to have Dr. Hormone monitor my cycles, however insurance doesn't cover him and their office is far away, so I would like to have you monitor them."
He seemed semi-content with that so he ordered up a pg test (I think that was his way of getting me back for two-timing him with Dr. Hormone.) of course it was negative and Ms. Illiterate made sure to tell me that...quite frankly - apparently that is one thing she can read...pee sticks.
I got my prescriptions and marched out the door feeling proud of myself, I got to my truck, called Pace...and then fell apart. We are right back where we were a year ago. A freaking year ago! I am so damn scared of getting pregnant and miscarrying again - I know that will be my final straw.
So there ya have it - Take 4. Pro.vera, Clo.mid, Progest.erone blah, blah, blah
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Back with a plan
Well friends, I am back. I am still a little uncertain of our future, but I am back. Pace and I had a nice long talk over the weekend about where we are and where we will go from here. I have really been thinking about just quiting it all to be honest with you. I am tired of the Dr. appointments, I am tired of peeing on things, I am tired of getting crushed every month, I am tired of feeling depressed and most of all I am tired of missing out on life.
Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!
So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.
We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.
Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL
So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!
Our talk was so amazing. He is really starting to "get it". We are on the same page, which is WONDERFUL! I just can't believe how much closer we are to each other now than we were even a year ago. I think our angel baby has a lot to do with that!
So Pace and I both shared our current feelings and thoughts on our infertility path, and we came to an agreement. So now we have a plan. A plan that is always subject to change of course, but a plan non-the-less. I have a Dr. appt. this month (although Dr. P pretty much told me that I would be pg, so I wouldn't need the appt. HA!). At this appt. I am going to tell the Dr. which route we are going to take. I am currently waiting on AF to show her ugly face, and as soon as she does, I am starting Clo.mid. If AF shows before my Dr. appt, I will tell my Dr. at that time that I am on Clo.mid and he can like it or lump it.
We will do 3 months of Clo.mid if my mental stability can take it. After that, we are going to be done for a while. I will take a leave of absence and try to save money for IUI's again. I don't know how long my leave will be, but we will just take as long as we need to I guess.
Ever since our first RE.SO.LVE meeting last month, I have really been thinking about our options. I have really been considering just living childless. I know, I know, it sounds crazy, it sounds crazy to me too, but I am just done with all the heartache. I don't think I could be childless forever, but maybe 5 or 10 years, and then we could adopt. In the meantime we could save up money for adoption, and spend a lot of money on ourselves. Let's face it, infertility and children are expensive! Maybe I will just supplement my grief of not having a child into some major retail therapy - that would be my way of "sticking it to the man" LOL
So here i sit on CD37 waiting for AF to start so I can move forward and get the show on the road!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The Silent One
I am writing this blog as a response to a comment I received today on my blog. I don't believe I have ever gotten a comment from this person before and she put a lot of information that I feel the need to respond to in her comment. So - The Silent One, I hope you read this and that you will get a better grasp on who I am and what this blog is about after reading this post.
I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.
Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.
I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.
God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.
remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.
I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.
Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.
PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.
You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.
ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.
I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.
it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.
I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.
Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.
I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!
Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!
I am going to copy the comment which will be the color maroon and my response will be in blue.
Nichole.... I've been reading your posts for a while now and well, I must admit... I'm seeing less and less of God in them. I know your venting BUT God wants pure hearts that 1)trust him 2) wait on him 3) delight in what you have.... I would like to start out by saying - "Thank you" for reading my blog. I am not sure what has drawn you to read my blog since you are not going through infertility issues, but whatever the reason - thank you. I am well aware of what God wants and I am striving to the best of my ability to be exactly that, but I am also a believer that God meets us where we are and since he is an all knowing God, he knows my frustration, my sadness and my desire to be close to him. I think that striving for 4 years to have a child and constantly having "hope" that "this one will work" IS trusting God. I trust that he has a plan for me, it isn't my plan, but it is His plan. I think 4 years of trying to have a child means that I am waiting on Him. I certainly can't rush Him and I am doing everything I can to be patient and wait for Him. As for delighting in what I have - I certainly do. I will go into more detail on that later. I have been dissapointed and devastated along the way, but I DO trust, I AM waiting and I DO delight in what I have.
I'm sure this will upset you and I'm sorry- not my intension... Actually, the only thing about your comment that upset me was the Judgement that it was saturated with. This is not a religious blog, this is not a blog where I come to talk about God. I have small groups, church, Christian friends and my husband for that. I needed an outlet to talk about infertility. Openly and freely - infertility. A place where I can share my story with others who are struggling so that I can lean on them and they can lean on me. Not all of my fellow infertiles are Christians and I do not feel that this is the place to discuss my religous beliefs to the extent it seems you want me to. I will admit that my walk may not be as strong as I would like, or as strong as many of my friends, but that is something I am working on personally. That is not a struggle or walk that I feel comfortable publishing on my "infertility" blog.
God talks in Acts and Revelations about 'forgetting your first love' PLEASE get back to the basics.... Again - I feel this comment is very judgemental - I love Acts and Revelations, I have read them over and over again, but this is NOT a bible blog, this is an infertility blog.
remember this- delight in the love God's placed in your life... I do delight in this love. I struggled with depression as a teenager before I knew of this love. I, just like everyone else do not understand why God has taken me through the battles that He has, but someday I will get those answers. I have been at a point where I hated my life, I was depressed and ultimately wanted to die. I am definitely not there today. I love my life for the most part, I don't like some of the current struggles that I am going through, but they will pass. Someday, somehow they will pass.
I want to sympathize with you because I'm single. I want nothing more (like you) to be a mother. I want to have a child to love and rear and teach and show off and so much more...However, I haven't been as lucky as you to find someone to love me like you have. Honestly, and I am not trying to be mean, only factual and I think ANY other infertile person will back me up on this: You can not sympathise with someone going through infertility unless you are actually going through it yourself. You can not possibly know the pain, the tears and frustration.
Pace seems to be an amazing man who loves you (no matter what is happening) and I can't help but see you miss that... This is where I get a little upset - you have no right to tell me that I do not know how much my husband loves me. If you have really read my posts, you will see the love that we have for each other and would not have written that. Please click on the link above and read the post about how wonderful my husband is and how I thank God for bringing him into my life. I feel that this is a very judgemental comment as you don't know me, my husband or how thankful I am for him being so wonderful to me.
PLEASE take a little more time to 'smell the roses' and recognize where you are at. I know exactly where I am at. I could stop and smell the roses, but then I would miss out on the entire bouquet. I am enjoying life and I am not sure what you have read in my blog that makes you feel otherwise, but I don't think that my venting of how insensitive people can be, or how frustrated I am with my reproductive organs makes me any less of a Christian. Everyone has bad days and good days whether they are going through infertility or not.
You're young- I know, not that young and that infertility has you worrying even more about age BUT... please please Get into the word and find as many Bible studies you can get into so you can be filled with the spirit- Again, things you don't know about me, I belong to a Christian support group for infertility, I am attending church again, I am reading my bible and am also a daily recipient of Sarah's Laughter I would also like to ask that you do some reading up on endometriosis. Endometriosis literally is a race against time. You see, endo grows back, there is no cure, it will never go away. After my surgery in January my dr. told us that we needed to REALLY try to get pg within 6 months. We are almost halfway through that time period with not even a relatively close cycle. After the 6 months are up, I will most likely have to have surgery again to clear out my abdominal cavity. This costs LOTS of money, causes LOTS of pain and causes me to MISS work. I am not trying to rush God, I am trying everything I can to get pregnant while my body is in the best condition and before the endometriosis takes over my reproductive organs. It has very little to do with my age.
ask God what he wants from you.. I have done this more times than anyone could possibly know. Multiple times a day I ask Him that same exact question.
I KNOW you want a child--- sometimes what we want and what God is going to give us are 2 different things... Do you really think that I don't understand this concept? I think any human being whether they are Christian or not know that they can want something as much as humanly possible, but actually receiving what we want is two completely different things. That comment leads me to believe that you think I am a spoiled brat - which I am not going to lie, sometimes I am. I stomp my feet, I cry, I pound my fists and then I get over it. Just like everyone else. God gets that.
it sucks but we have to find God's plan and purpose for our lives... it might be MUCH bigger but you can't see it...in any case, Again, I CLEARLY understand this concept which is what has prevented me from becoming an atheist throughout this trying to conceive process. I know that He has a plan, I know He has a purpose. I am not sure when He is going to reveal that plan or purpose, but I know that someday, in His time, He will.
I'm praying for you and I know you trust and love God, I just wanted to remind you that he IS watching and is looking for you to trust him! lots of hugs your way...I really appreciate your comment, The Silent One, as I think it has allowed me to clear up a few things and also do some reflecting. I understand that some people have absolutely no problem combining their infertility blogs with their religious beliefs, however, I am not one of them. I will talk about God occassionally, or quote scripture from time to time, but this will never be a blog about my religious beliefs. If that is the kind of blog you prefer to read, this blog just isn't the one for you. I am curious about one thing: You say that you have been reading my blog for quite some time, however I don't ever recall getting a comment ofering prayers or encouragement from you. You seem like a woman of the Lord, so I wonder what made you write me a comment telling me of all the wrong you feel I am doing and pointing out the shortcomings you believe I have when you have never commented offering me love and/or encouragement.
Back to Infertility Blog Business:
I haven't written this week because I have been on a break. Ironically enough, I have taken this week with Pace being out of town to keep my nose stuck in books, doing some yard work and major soul searching. I still haven't ovulated this month, so that kind of stinks. I think I am going to call my dr. and see if he will ok moving to Clomid next month instead of waiting until May. My cycles are obviously wacky and I see no need to wait another month and allow the endometriosis that time to grow back when it really isn't necessary.
I am going out to dinner tonight with a fellow Christian friend and then meeting another back at my house for a girls night sleepover. I don't remember the last time I had a girly sleepover and I am so excited! I am sure I will be exhausted at work tomorrow, but it will be SO worth it!
Love and hugs to you all and thank you for all that you have done for me!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Always an aunt - never a mom
I am an aunt again.
My sister gave birth to Trinity Ann this morning. Both mom and baby are happy and healthy.
My heart is broken.
All I could think about last night is that she is in the hospital about to be blessed with the most amazing gift that I SO desperately want! It was also a HUGE reminder that I should be next. One sister had her baby in February, now one in March and I was due in April. On Easter Sunday to be exact.
I can't stop thinking about where I should be right now.
I should be doing the finishing touches on the nursery.
I should be finalizing plans to have my parents out here for a week to help with the new baby.
I should be making arrangements to be off work for a while.
I should be having my own baby showers.
I should be preparing my bag to have ready by the door for "go-time"
But I'm not.
I am here trying anything and everything I can to maintain my composure, to look happy, to sound happy and to live life to the best of my ability.
I am just down today.
I love my sisters dearly, but this is now the 4th niece/nephew since I have been trying for my own child. Both of my sisters have had 2 children each since I have been trying for one. It isn't fair and I am pissed.
I am throwing a pity party today and I am giving myself permission to do so. I know the party won't last long, but I am going to enjoy it while it is here. I am going to be mad and sad and brokenhearted and depressed and sulky and pouty and I am not going to feel bad about it.
My sister gave birth to Trinity Ann this morning. Both mom and baby are happy and healthy.
My heart is broken.
All I could think about last night is that she is in the hospital about to be blessed with the most amazing gift that I SO desperately want! It was also a HUGE reminder that I should be next. One sister had her baby in February, now one in March and I was due in April. On Easter Sunday to be exact.
I can't stop thinking about where I should be right now.
I should be doing the finishing touches on the nursery.
I should be finalizing plans to have my parents out here for a week to help with the new baby.
I should be making arrangements to be off work for a while.
I should be having my own baby showers.
I should be preparing my bag to have ready by the door for "go-time"
But I'm not.
I am here trying anything and everything I can to maintain my composure, to look happy, to sound happy and to live life to the best of my ability.
I am just down today.
I love my sisters dearly, but this is now the 4th niece/nephew since I have been trying for my own child. Both of my sisters have had 2 children each since I have been trying for one. It isn't fair and I am pissed.
I am throwing a pity party today and I am giving myself permission to do so. I know the party won't last long, but I am going to enjoy it while it is here. I am going to be mad and sad and brokenhearted and depressed and sulky and pouty and I am not going to feel bad about it.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Support Group
Pace and I just got back from my very first RES.OLVE support group meeting. I can't believe we didn't go sooner. I met some of the most amazing women and it was so refreshing to be sitting at a table with women who "get it"
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE all of my fellow cyber-infertiles but there is something about having that human face to face interaction. It was amazing. The women at this meeting are all at different stages with different histories and one very common bond. INFERTILITY. We laughed, we cried, but most of all we listened with intent and understood each other.
There is so much for me to soak in. My mind is going a million miles a minute. One thing is for sure - I am definitely going again next month!
Oh - and I have a belated New Year's Resolution - I am going to be more selfish. Ha! Funny right? I am serious. I am going to focus more on me and not worry so much about hurting my friends feelings when I just can't bear to go to another baby shower or go on a sister's trip with my sister's and their newborn babies, or grin and bite my tongue when someone makes an insensitive comment. I am not going to do it anymore. I am not going to sacrifice my happiness and mental/emotional health for the sake of others anymore. It does me no good and only stresses me out and puts my body in an even greater state of discord. I can't afford any more discord in my body - I'm putting my foot down!
I really want to learn how to master humor in this whole thing. One of the ladies at the meeting uses humor to help her and DH through their infertility. I want that. I want to learn how to do that. I wonder if they have a How to Laugh at Your own Infertility for Dummies book?
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE all of my fellow cyber-infertiles but there is something about having that human face to face interaction. It was amazing. The women at this meeting are all at different stages with different histories and one very common bond. INFERTILITY. We laughed, we cried, but most of all we listened with intent and understood each other.
There is so much for me to soak in. My mind is going a million miles a minute. One thing is for sure - I am definitely going again next month!
Oh - and I have a belated New Year's Resolution - I am going to be more selfish. Ha! Funny right? I am serious. I am going to focus more on me and not worry so much about hurting my friends feelings when I just can't bear to go to another baby shower or go on a sister's trip with my sister's and their newborn babies, or grin and bite my tongue when someone makes an insensitive comment. I am not going to do it anymore. I am not going to sacrifice my happiness and mental/emotional health for the sake of others anymore. It does me no good and only stresses me out and puts my body in an even greater state of discord. I can't afford any more discord in my body - I'm putting my foot down!
I really want to learn how to master humor in this whole thing. One of the ladies at the meeting uses humor to help her and DH through their infertility. I want that. I want to learn how to do that. I wonder if they have a How to Laugh at Your own Infertility for Dummies book?
Monday, March 09, 2009
People Shmeople
Last weekend I wasn't feeling well. I went home from work early and parked on the couch. Upon my arrival back at work this morning, I was asked if I was feeling better to which I responded "yes thank you I am feeling much better" Then my co-worker says to me "Was it morning sickness?"
Now please keep in mind that I am an open person when it comes to my infertility and my miscarriage. I work for a very small company and most of the people I work with know about my struggles (this particular co-worker is one of them). They know the short basics, they know we have been trying for 4 years, they know that I had a miscarriage in August and they know about my surgery for endo.
So I am left wondering what goes people's minds when they ask me a question like this? What made my co-worker think that it was ok for him to ask me this question? Over the last 4 years I have probably been asked this question 100 times. Every sniffle, tummy trouble, headache, or hang over I have, I get asked "is it morning sickness?"
Don't they know what this does to me?
1. It reminds me in a very uncomfortable way that I am infertile.
2. It feels as if someone is sticking a dagger in my heart.
3. It makes me have to choke back tears and try to remain somewhat composed.
4. It makes me ANGRY!
I mean EXCUSE ME!!!! IF it were morning sickness, I definitely would not announce my miracle pregnancy in that manner! I can see the conversation now:
Me: I didn't do a whole lot this weekend because I wasn't feeling well
Them: Oh - is it morning sickness?
Me: Actually Yes! (bells start ringing and chimes start signing) Congratulations you guessed my tummy trouble correctly. I'm pregnant! Lets step behind door number 3 to see just what you have won!
It is ridiculous what people ask - as if it's any of their business. It isn't just this question either - there is:
"How many kids do you have?"
"How long have you been married? And you don't have any kids?"
"When are you going to make your parents proud grandparents?"
"Why don't you have any kids yet?"
"Where are your kids?"
"Is it you...or him?"
Trust me I could go on and on. Then there are the comments that make me want to rip out my hair and scream until I literally burst my vocal cords:
"You should just relax - then you will get pregnant"
"You should start the adoption process, a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and as soon as they started the adoption process BAM they got pregnant."
"You should just adopt - there are so many unwanted children out there that need a family"
"You should go on a vacation and forget all about it - then you will get pregnant."
"You should just stop trying - a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and then they decided to stop trying all together. 4 months later they got pregnant."
"You are lucky - kids are such hard work"
"You just wait until you have kids - then you will see what I mean"
I really could go on all day. I have 4 years worth of insensitive, hurtful and untrue questions, comments and assvice.
I think the next time this particular co-worker is out ill, upon his return I will ask him if he was out ill due to hemm.oroids or a vasectomy. I know that they are all just trying to be nice and supportive, but most of the time, unless they have experienced infertility/miscarriage themselves they are being the exact opposite of nice and supportive.
I guess I just need to not tell ANYONE when I am not feeling well and just ask the Lord to forgive them for they know not what they do.
Now please keep in mind that I am an open person when it comes to my infertility and my miscarriage. I work for a very small company and most of the people I work with know about my struggles (this particular co-worker is one of them). They know the short basics, they know we have been trying for 4 years, they know that I had a miscarriage in August and they know about my surgery for endo.
So I am left wondering what goes people's minds when they ask me a question like this? What made my co-worker think that it was ok for him to ask me this question? Over the last 4 years I have probably been asked this question 100 times. Every sniffle, tummy trouble, headache, or hang over I have, I get asked "is it morning sickness?"
Don't they know what this does to me?
1. It reminds me in a very uncomfortable way that I am infertile.
2. It feels as if someone is sticking a dagger in my heart.
3. It makes me have to choke back tears and try to remain somewhat composed.
4. It makes me ANGRY!
I mean EXCUSE ME!!!! IF it were morning sickness, I definitely would not announce my miracle pregnancy in that manner! I can see the conversation now:
Me: I didn't do a whole lot this weekend because I wasn't feeling well
Them: Oh - is it morning sickness?
Me: Actually Yes! (bells start ringing and chimes start signing) Congratulations you guessed my tummy trouble correctly. I'm pregnant! Lets step behind door number 3 to see just what you have won!
It is ridiculous what people ask - as if it's any of their business. It isn't just this question either - there is:
"How many kids do you have?"
"How long have you been married? And you don't have any kids?"
"When are you going to make your parents proud grandparents?"
"Why don't you have any kids yet?"
"Where are your kids?"
"Is it you...or him?"
Trust me I could go on and on. Then there are the comments that make me want to rip out my hair and scream until I literally burst my vocal cords:
"You should just relax - then you will get pregnant"
"You should start the adoption process, a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and as soon as they started the adoption process BAM they got pregnant."
"You should just adopt - there are so many unwanted children out there that need a family"
"You should go on a vacation and forget all about it - then you will get pregnant."
"You should just stop trying - a friend of a friend of a cousin of a neighbor had trouble getting pregnant and then they decided to stop trying all together. 4 months later they got pregnant."
"You are lucky - kids are such hard work"
"You just wait until you have kids - then you will see what I mean"
I really could go on all day. I have 4 years worth of insensitive, hurtful and untrue questions, comments and assvice.
I think the next time this particular co-worker is out ill, upon his return I will ask him if he was out ill due to hemm.oroids or a vasectomy. I know that they are all just trying to be nice and supportive, but most of the time, unless they have experienced infertility/miscarriage themselves they are being the exact opposite of nice and supportive.
I guess I just need to not tell ANYONE when I am not feeling well and just ask the Lord to forgive them for they know not what they do.
Monday, February 09, 2009
What a weekend!
I had a fabulous weekend! It started out Friday night with a Rock Band concert in my living room with our best friends and Pace and I starring! It was a blast! We had Pace's little sister all weekend so she got to play with our friend's son and they are just so cute together! It kind of made me sad because I so wish that we had a child to play with their son, since we have been friends we have dreamed of our kids growing up together - we better hurry up and get pregnant, cause their son (and Pace's sister) are growing too fast!
Saturday afternoon Pace and I went tattoo shopping. (Well, more like tattoo shop/artist shopping I already know what tattoo I want done) It was quite an experience. I have never been in a tattoo shop, so it really was interesting. We went to 3 different shops and had 3 very different experiences.
The first one was a really nice shop however the guy that worked there was not so nice. He was obviously high on something and was very vulgar. He asked Pace if he really thought it was a good idea to have that tattooed on my back cause it might spoil it for him during sex. *nice*
The second one was an "ok" shop. The inside was really small, it was clean but they were playing heavy death metal music that gave me a headache instantly. The tattoo artist I talked to however was VERY nice and seemed like he really wanted to do my tattoo. I wasn't sure I would be able to sit and listen to that music for 2+ hours though.
The third shop was perfect. It was clean, VERY professional, pornography free and everyone was so nice there. This is the same one that my husband's best friend recommended, so ... I took the plunge. I put the deposit down and am scheduled to go in on Friday evening. I will post pictures of it when it is done.
Saturday night we went over to our friend's house and planned our joint anniversary trip. They also got married in February so we decided to rent a cabin for the weekend up North in AZ and celebrate our anniversaries together. The have sleds, so we are going to head up to the mountains and have a play weekend in the snow. I am so excited we have reserved the most beautiful cabin and we are just going to have the best time!
My sister is at the dr. right now. She still hasn't gone into labor and she is hopeful that the dr. will induce her on Wednesday if she hasn't gone already. I am getting really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl. My parents leave on Thursday to spend a week with her.
Sunday Pace went riding with a group of like 15 guys ( a combination of quads and dirt bikes) of course it was raining here so he came home covered in mud but with the hugest smile on his face. He totally reminded me of a little boy playing in the mud and stuffing frogs in his pockets. He was in heaven. He was nice enough to wash my truck since it was covered in mud, but he didn't get the trailer and his quad done, so I think I will wash the trailer and quad tonight as a surprise for him.
Sunday night we went to my sisters house and played Wii - it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! They have Wii fit and a couple of other games and I just had a blast. I am sore this morning from the Wii fit (that doesn't really say much I am REALLY out of shape) I definitely want to get one now!
I FINALLY ovulated on Saturday! I am not holding out a lot of hope since it is SO late in my cycle to be ovulating, but at least I ovulated. I think either way I will be ok this cycle, if it is negative I will just focus on the next month and know that we are that much closer to being pregnant now than we were a year ago...or four years ago for that matter.
I thank God for that!
I appreciate everyones support in regards to the "anonymous" blogger that I posted about previously. I actually know this person and I used to consider her a friend. We had a falling out and instead of letting us both go our own ways she continues to try and hurt me anyway she can. I'm not letting her get to me though - actually the more she tries to hurt me the more I am sad for her. I just wanted to let you all know that it wasn't some stranger from cyber space, it was someone who I considered close to me. Someone that I trusted in my home, in my life and I invited her to read my blog. I know that by blogging about something so personal, we are all kind of opening ourselves up to people like her and so I want to thank you all for your support and for going out on a limb with me so that I can read your stories and be comforted in the fact that I am not alone.
*HUGS*
Saturday afternoon Pace and I went tattoo shopping. (Well, more like tattoo shop/artist shopping I already know what tattoo I want done) It was quite an experience. I have never been in a tattoo shop, so it really was interesting. We went to 3 different shops and had 3 very different experiences.
The first one was a really nice shop however the guy that worked there was not so nice. He was obviously high on something and was very vulgar. He asked Pace if he really thought it was a good idea to have that tattooed on my back cause it might spoil it for him during sex. *nice*
The second one was an "ok" shop. The inside was really small, it was clean but they were playing heavy death metal music that gave me a headache instantly. The tattoo artist I talked to however was VERY nice and seemed like he really wanted to do my tattoo. I wasn't sure I would be able to sit and listen to that music for 2+ hours though.
The third shop was perfect. It was clean, VERY professional, pornography free and everyone was so nice there. This is the same one that my husband's best friend recommended, so ... I took the plunge. I put the deposit down and am scheduled to go in on Friday evening. I will post pictures of it when it is done.
Saturday night we went over to our friend's house and planned our joint anniversary trip. They also got married in February so we decided to rent a cabin for the weekend up North in AZ and celebrate our anniversaries together. The have sleds, so we are going to head up to the mountains and have a play weekend in the snow. I am so excited we have reserved the most beautiful cabin and we are just going to have the best time!
My sister is at the dr. right now. She still hasn't gone into labor and she is hopeful that the dr. will induce her on Wednesday if she hasn't gone already. I am getting really excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl. My parents leave on Thursday to spend a week with her.
Sunday Pace went riding with a group of like 15 guys ( a combination of quads and dirt bikes) of course it was raining here so he came home covered in mud but with the hugest smile on his face. He totally reminded me of a little boy playing in the mud and stuffing frogs in his pockets. He was in heaven. He was nice enough to wash my truck since it was covered in mud, but he didn't get the trailer and his quad done, so I think I will wash the trailer and quad tonight as a surprise for him.
Sunday night we went to my sisters house and played Wii - it was SO MUCH FUN!!!! They have Wii fit and a couple of other games and I just had a blast. I am sore this morning from the Wii fit (that doesn't really say much I am REALLY out of shape) I definitely want to get one now!
I FINALLY ovulated on Saturday! I am not holding out a lot of hope since it is SO late in my cycle to be ovulating, but at least I ovulated. I think either way I will be ok this cycle, if it is negative I will just focus on the next month and know that we are that much closer to being pregnant now than we were a year ago...or four years ago for that matter.
I thank God for that!
I appreciate everyones support in regards to the "anonymous" blogger that I posted about previously. I actually know this person and I used to consider her a friend. We had a falling out and instead of letting us both go our own ways she continues to try and hurt me anyway she can. I'm not letting her get to me though - actually the more she tries to hurt me the more I am sad for her. I just wanted to let you all know that it wasn't some stranger from cyber space, it was someone who I considered close to me. Someone that I trusted in my home, in my life and I invited her to read my blog. I know that by blogging about something so personal, we are all kind of opening ourselves up to people like her and so I want to thank you all for your support and for going out on a limb with me so that I can read your stories and be comforted in the fact that I am not alone.
*HUGS*
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Seriously...think before you speak
I just got back from dinner and drinks with some friends and I am so upset. We aren't real close with these people, but we have known them for years and they are one of the few couples we know that don't have kids. The last time we saw them was August 9th, 2008. You ask...how do you remember the exact date?
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I like to procrastinate
I know I haven't written in a while. I hate it when I go this long without writing. There were so many things I wanted to write about, but I wanted to attach photos as well...and I just haven 't downloaded my camera darn it. So... I am updating. I am writing with no pictures to add, but at least I am writing.
Warning...this will be a long post LOL.
Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.
Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).
So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."
I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!
On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.
We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.
Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.
Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.
I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.
Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different way...in a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier.
Whew.....so that is my update...wow sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!
Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!
Warning...this will be a long post LOL.
Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.
Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).
So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."
I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!
On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.
We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.
Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.
Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.
I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.
Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different way...in a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier.
Whew.....so that is my update...wow sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!
Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The holidays are a comin...
I had an amazing weekend. It was emotionally draining, inspirational, exhausting and stressful, but it was a good weekend.
Friday night I went out to dinner with Pace and my good friend Trisha, we went to a fish house and I had the most amazing crab!
Then Saturday morning the three of us participated in a Remembrance walk for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It was amazing. I cried almost the entire time. We were able to write messages to our babies which were read for everyone to hear. We were able to share our stories, poems and songs and at the end there was a balloon toss. Here is a picture of Pace and I that my friend Trisha took. We are watching the balloons head up to the heavens:
I am definitely going to make this an annual thing for me. It was so wonderful being around people that are in similar situations or feel the same way that I do in real life. This Saturday the Catholic Church that I used to attend is holding a special mass for those who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. Even though I no longer consider myself "Catholic" I think it will be nice to be in a church and have my loss acknowledged. It seems that my church totally revolves around babies, pregnancy and children and sometimes it is just too much to take.
Then Saturday evening Pace and I met up with my friend J and her husband G. They have 3 angels in heaven as well, and did a candle lighting ceremony with us last Wednesday. We have a farm out here in AZ that has fresh produce, a corn maize, petting zoo, and carnival rides right now for a fall festival. HORRIBLE IDEA TO GO!!!! I think 70 percent of the women there were pregnant and EVERYONE had kids. I didn't realize the entire event was geared towards kids...but it was. And we had to pay $12 to get in, so I wasn't just going to leave...I was going to get some enjoyment out of it. We had Pace's little sister with us (she's 3) so that was helpful...kind of. At least we looked like we belonged there because we had here with us.
The holidays suck. I usually love Halloween! It is one of my favorite holidays, not anymore. I told Pace the other night that I am not sure if I will be able to hang out and hand out candy. I just want to be around adults...with no kids. No cute little costumes, no 16 year old girls trick or treating with their babies...I just don't want to do it this year.
I am still waiting on ovulation. I don't know what is going on...I have gotten like 4 or 5 tests with faint second lines, but no "positives" Today is CD22 so I am not sure what to think. I will keep testing for another week. My body definitely does not seem to be as cooperative this cycle. GRrrrrr
Thursday, September 25, 2008
What the Frick and Frack?
Per my last post, I emailed my Dr. to see if I should start taking Prov.era to bring on AF. I was hoping that she would say "yes...absolutely start the Pro.vera" However, that is not what she said. She told me to wait a couple more weeks and if AF hadn't shown by then, to give her a call. This just pissed me off.
I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?
So here I sit on CD42.
Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?
So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.
Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????
My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?
I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).
So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.
**Sigh**
I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?
So here I sit on CD42.
Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?
So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.
Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????
My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?
I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).
So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.
**Sigh**
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