My dear blogger friends. It has been exactly 2 months since we found out we were pregnant with our most recent angel baby. For some reason, looking back on where I was 2 months ago led me to want to share this blog that I had started, but then never posted (because of the miscarriage) I wanted to share everything with all of you, but I was so terrified to get my hopes up at the time (for good reason apparently)...so...here is the blog that I started:
I am not even sure where to begin this post. Just to let you know, I started this post on February 11th, 2010 knowing that I had no idea how long it would be before I posted it. The thoughts and emotions are so fresh right now that I had to start writing it and I trusted that God would show me when the time was right to publish it. It is going to be very long, but I am going to journal it by days. Please feel free to quit reading whenever you need to.
My dear friends Pace and I discovered on February 6th, 2010 that we are pregnant. After 5 years of infertility, after IUI's, after Clo.mid cycles, surgeries, a miscarriage and deciding to pursue adoption, we conceived...naturally.
When we first found out of course we were ecstatic, however at the same time there was so much anger, confusion and fear. I was angry because I had let this part go. I had let go of the pregnancy desire and focused my mind on adoption, it was all planned out. I am confused because I don't understand why after so long, so many trials and tribulations, why now? (I will tell you what I think the answer to that question is in a moment) I am terrified because I don't know if I can survive another miscarriage. I am scared to tell people, but at the same time I want to shout it from the rooftops.
We saw an OB on Tuesday the 9th. According to her everything looks good. Our first u/s is scheduled for 2/16 we can determine at that time exactly how far along I am. Since I haven't had a period since October, it is obviously impossible to know how far along I am. The OB did a pelvic exam and based on that she thinks that I am somewhere between 6-8 weeks along.
I wanted to tell you all immediately. However, I had to be sure that this pregnancy was at least viable before I said anything. Obviously as I write this, I know the pregnancy is viable, however I don't want to make any official announcements until we at least have our first u/s.
Here is how I came to take a pg test: Somewhere around the 14th of January I started noticing tenderness in my breasts. I thought that I was just getting ready to start my period and dismissed it. The tenderness got worse and continued. Then the last week of January I started cramping...so I again thought "Ahh...AF is coming" Of course pregnancy was in the back of my mind, but I kept it there. I thought my mind was just playing tricks on me and that I was maybe going a little crazy. Finally on February 6th, after AF had not shown her face and my breasts were still sore, I decided to test. When I saw the two lines I actually had to go get the directions out of the pg test box because I just didn't believe that it was positive!
I have definitely started having morning sickness, in fact I have been sick all week although I have only thrown up once. I have had no spotting to date, although I do have some intermittent cramping which I am assuming is my uterus stretching. I have only 3 pairs of pants that I can wear right now. I sit at a desk all day and it is very uncomfortable to sit in tight pants!
That is it...it wasn't long after that I miscarried and once again lost myself. I changed, never to be the same. I am not necessarily worse...just changed.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I have no words
I have no words
Correct that...
I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.
I just can't put them together to make any sense.
So that is all the blog I have.
Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.
Correct that...
I have so many words. So many thoughts. So many contradictions.
I just can't put them together to make any sense.
So that is all the blog I have.
Because I just can't make any sense of the zillions and zillions of words and thoughts and contradictions that I think and hear every day. All day. With no peace.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
2010 YOU SUCK!!!!!!
I have no idea what to title this post. My mind is fuzzy. My heart is broken. I am pissed and confused. So I will write the post and figure out a title later.
A week and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. Yeah - you read that right. Pregnant. Naturally. An "oops" pregnancy after 5 years of infertility. We were excited, and scared, and overjoyed. We had decided after our last miscarriage that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew for sure that there was a good chance of survival. I have a friend that works for a clinic and she does ultrasounds, so I called her immediately and she had us come in for an ultrasound. We didn't really get a good look at the baby (thank you tilted uterus), but we were able to catch the heartbeat. Since I hadn't had a period in 5 months, we had no idea how far along we were, but she said that since we were able to detect a heartbeat, we were at least 6 weeks along.
Last week went great. I had morning sickness, headaches, sore bb's, weird cravings and food aversions. All of the symptoms of a wonderful, healthy pregnancy. We were getting more and more excited. I scheduled an appt. with my OB/GYN (the one that I despise, but they could get me in very quickly) last Tuesday. They confirmed the pg, did the first set of bloodwork and scheduled an u/s to get our due date for today. I practically had to beg the OB to take my progesterone levels. She said that she really didn't think they mattered because she doesn't believe in progesterone therapy to "salvage" a pregnancy. She said she would take the levels but I would not be able to get the results until today.
I went ahead and purchased progesterone cream and started applying that just for my own peace of mind. Last Saturday morning I woke up with some cramping. We saw my friend who did another u/s and this time we got a wonderful view of the baby (which looked more like an alien) and the strong heartbeat. About 3 hours after the u/s, I was still cramping fairly heavy and I started bleeding a little bit. I freaked out and called our RE. (DON'T ASK ME WHY I DIDN'T DO THIS ON DAY ONE...I GUESS I WAS IN SHOCK AND WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS "MIRACLE" WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ON IT'S OWN) Idiot...
Anyway, the RE told me to start taking 200mg of Prom.etrium daily which I started immediately. It was too late. Both the pregnancy test I took this morning and the empty wasteland of a uterus that was shown on the u/s proved that the baby is gone.
When the dr. told me that my progesterone level last week was 6.2 I almost socked her in the face. NO ONE CALLED ME??? DIDN'T THAT ALERT ANYONE THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON? (Just so you know your progesterone level is supposed to be somewhere between 11 and 40 in your first trimester.)
I am devastated yes...Pace is working out of town this week, so I am home alone with my dogs and I am pissed off. I had put the pregnancy thing behind me, I was moving full steam ahead with adoption and I was happy there - why in the hell did this have to happen NOW?
2010 - you SUCK...and that my friends will be the title of this post.
A week and a half ago I found out I was pregnant. Yeah - you read that right. Pregnant. Naturally. An "oops" pregnancy after 5 years of infertility. We were excited, and scared, and overjoyed. We had decided after our last miscarriage that we weren't going to tell anyone until we knew for sure that there was a good chance of survival. I have a friend that works for a clinic and she does ultrasounds, so I called her immediately and she had us come in for an ultrasound. We didn't really get a good look at the baby (thank you tilted uterus), but we were able to catch the heartbeat. Since I hadn't had a period in 5 months, we had no idea how far along we were, but she said that since we were able to detect a heartbeat, we were at least 6 weeks along.
Last week went great. I had morning sickness, headaches, sore bb's, weird cravings and food aversions. All of the symptoms of a wonderful, healthy pregnancy. We were getting more and more excited. I scheduled an appt. with my OB/GYN (the one that I despise, but they could get me in very quickly) last Tuesday. They confirmed the pg, did the first set of bloodwork and scheduled an u/s to get our due date for today. I practically had to beg the OB to take my progesterone levels. She said that she really didn't think they mattered because she doesn't believe in progesterone therapy to "salvage" a pregnancy. She said she would take the levels but I would not be able to get the results until today.
I went ahead and purchased progesterone cream and started applying that just for my own peace of mind. Last Saturday morning I woke up with some cramping. We saw my friend who did another u/s and this time we got a wonderful view of the baby (which looked more like an alien) and the strong heartbeat. About 3 hours after the u/s, I was still cramping fairly heavy and I started bleeding a little bit. I freaked out and called our RE. (DON'T ASK ME WHY I DIDN'T DO THIS ON DAY ONE...I GUESS I WAS IN SHOCK AND WANTED TO BELIEVE THAT THIS "MIRACLE" WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ON IT'S OWN) Idiot...
Anyway, the RE told me to start taking 200mg of Prom.etrium daily which I started immediately. It was too late. Both the pregnancy test I took this morning and the empty wasteland of a uterus that was shown on the u/s proved that the baby is gone.
When the dr. told me that my progesterone level last week was 6.2 I almost socked her in the face. NO ONE CALLED ME??? DIDN'T THAT ALERT ANYONE THAT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON? (Just so you know your progesterone level is supposed to be somewhere between 11 and 40 in your first trimester.)
I am devastated yes...Pace is working out of town this week, so I am home alone with my dogs and I am pissed off. I had put the pregnancy thing behind me, I was moving full steam ahead with adoption and I was happy there - why in the hell did this have to happen NOW?
2010 - you SUCK...and that my friends will be the title of this post.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
2009 In Review
January - Went on my first trip to the dunes. It was SO much fun. I only had one panic attack and ended up really enjoying myself. I had my first laparoscopy which confirmed endo. I had an icky fight with my dear friend and our friendship was forever altered.
February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.
March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.
April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.
May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.
June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.
July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!
August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.
September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.
October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.
November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.
December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!
*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.
February - My 4 year wedding anniversary and my husband's 25th birthday. We are on a forced TTC break while my body heals. I join RESOLVE. My nephew Cameron was born. Started hanging out with a new couple - this couple would prove to be our best friends this year. I got a tattoo. My very first (and only as of now). It is a baby sleeping inside angel wings located on my left shoulder (closest to my heart). This is a tribute to my angel baby.
March - We do a Walk For Hope with RESOLVE with the chance to win an free IVF...we didn't win. Found out one of my close friends is pregnant - they had been trying for 2 months. My niece Trinity was born.
April - My due date comes and goes, we are gearing up for another Clo.mid cycle. I am excited to "get back in the game" We go on our first annual Easter hike and stay as far away from church on Easter Sunday as possible. It was a glorious hike and when we reached the top, we released balloons for our angel baby.
May - Clo.mid cycle ends abruptly on Day 21 when the ultrasound shows what appears to be a der.moid cyst on my left ovary. Went on a very spontaneous trip with my husband to California over Memorial weekend. Got to see where he grew up, some beautiful country and the beach! We decide we are ready to pursue adoption - I dive right in.
June - Got a second opinion from my RE. He asked me to wait a couple of weeks and then come back to see if it has grown. Turned down a "sister trip" because the pain of their newborn babies was just too much when I should have had a newborn in my arms too. Attended our first Agency orientation meeting and I totally freaked out. Decided I wasn't quite ready to move forward yet. Found out one of my best friends was pregnant - they had been trying 1 month.
July - Turned 28. Husband rented a Porsche to take me out to my favorite sushi restaurant and then took me to the Broadway show Wic.ked. Went back to RE - my cyst had grown. Had my second laparascopic surgery of the year this month. Through a huge luau party for my birthday - was surprised by two of my most favorite people (they flew all the way from Hawaii to see his family and to surprise me for my birthday) BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! Love you Tiffany!
August - On another 3 month forced break while my ovaries heal from surgery. Husband then tells me that he wants to take the rest of the year off - he is done. My heart breaks...more wasted time, but after 4.5 years...what is another 5 months? My best friend and co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer.
September - Go back to KS for my 10 year reunion. Husband rented the new Camaro to show up in style for my reunion. Had a pretty decent time at the reunion, but an AWESOME time with my folks! Trying to enjoy this "break" but really struggling with that.
October - Husband bought a dirt bike and escapes to the dunes with his buddies while I attend a Family Building Symposium - there was a chance to win a free adoption homestudy...and I WON!!! Tuck the certificate away and wait until 2010. Hosted a Halloween block party with our neighbors that ended up at our house! On of my friends had her baby this month.
November - Was faced with the reality that my company is going under - seriously begin looking for another job. Had an AWESOME Thanksgiving with friends! Great food, great company and great drinks! I was asked to host a baby shower for my friend that is due in March - I agreed.
December - Still looking for a job. Not sure how much longer the company is going to be around. Had a good Christmas with friends and family. Had a possible adoption opportunity...fell through. Getting ready to head to the dunes to drink myself silly, enjoy nice bonfires, hang out with friends and tell 2009 to kiss my a$$!
*disclaimer - there are many other...lets count them ... 11 other pregnancy announcements this year, I just don't remember when they came.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A lot can happen in a year (part 2)
A year ago today I was probably happier than I have ever been. We had told pretty much everyone. All of our friends knew, my co-workers knew, some of Pace's co-workers knew. Not that I look back on that I think "How frickin stupid can you be? Why in the hell would you do that to yourself?" Of course...I had no idea what the next couple of days were going to bring.
Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.
It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.
How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.
I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.
Why did we tell so many people?
Lots of my friends had called me immediately after taking an HPT to tell me that they were pg, and their pregnancies turned out just fine. They have wonderful little toddlers right now. However...it didn't work out that way for me.
It was a year ago today that I first started spotting. It was very faint, very brown, but it was there. I was told by my dr. and my sisters (both of which were pregnant at the time) that brown spotting was very normal and not to worry.
How could I not worry? I have been trying to get pregnant for three and a half years, this is my first EVER BFP, and you want me to not worry about spotting? Well...I am worried and until I am examined by a dr. and told that everything is fine...I will continue to worry.
I cried in Pace's arms, so worried that we were going to lose this baby. We have been devastated so many times over the last three and a half years, but nothing compared to the devastation that was yet to come.
Why did we tell so many people?
Sunday, August 09, 2009
A lot can happen in a year
So, a year ago this very night, I was the happiest woman on the earth, lying in bed next to my husband with his hand expectantly resting on my belly. We were on top of the world. We saw our very first BFP!
For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.
One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.
After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.
We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.
A lot can happen in a year
For once in a very long time, all was right with the world. Our dreams were coming true and I felt such an inner peace and calm. It was more amazing than I ever could have imagined. I felt whole, I felt complete, I was happy.
One year ago today we were getting ready to go to a friends going away party. We had done a Clo.mid cycle, but I refused to test and was just waiting for AF to show. (This is the one and only time I have ever NOT tested 10 times during the 2ww) I knew I would want to have a few drinks at the party, so I decided I would go ahead and test just in case. I had a digital test (which I hate cause when they are negative, it feels like you have been punched in the stomach) so I took it and within seconds the most amazing work popped up on the screen "pregnant". I couldn't believe it! Could this really be? I yelled for Pace and when he entered the bedroom, I showed him the test. He looked at me and said "Are you kidding?" I was crying, he picked me up in his arms and we cried and we laughed and we cried some more.
After a few minutes I ran to the phone and called my mom. My two sisters were both pregnant at the time, so I called my mom and asked her if she would mind having another pregnant woman at Christmas. It was the phone call I had always dreamed of. I was finally going to give my parents a grandchild. It was finally my turn. My mom screamed, we cried, we laughed and so the night went. We had originally told ourselves that if we got pregnant, we weren't going to tell anyone until we were 12 weeks along. Well...after almost 4 years of trying, we broke that agreement immediately. We called all of our family, told all of our friends, we practically shouted it from the rooftops.
We were on cloud nine. We were on top of the world. We were madly, deeply and completely in love with the little life that was growing inside me.
A lot can happen in a year
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mommy to an angel
I lost the baby today. I went to the ER but when they did the u/s...the baby was already gone.
I am devastated and so angry right now. Please understand that I won't be blogging for a while. Thank you all for your supportive words. You are some of the best friends I have every had and most of you I have never met.
I love you little baby...I will see you in heaven.
I am devastated and so angry right now. Please understand that I won't be blogging for a while. Thank you all for your supportive words. You are some of the best friends I have every had and most of you I have never met.
I love you little baby...I will see you in heaven.
Short Update
I called the dr. office yesterday to get my results (just like my dr. told me to do) only to be told that they could not release that info over the phone. I was furious, irate is more like it. I had to beg and plead, but they were able to get me an appt. for Saturday morning so I could get the results of both Betas.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Unexptected Ride
Wow. The last 4 days have just been a whirlwind of emotion. We told everyone about our pregnancy. We were so excited we just couldn't hold it in. I know it is smartest to wait until after the 12 week mark...but after 3 and a half years...we just couldn't wait.
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Tag! Yeah! I love being tagged!
Thank you for the recent tags...I wasn't really on the Internet this weekend, so I am going to answer a few tags first before I get to the nitty gritty:
Hope2Morrow Tagged me on this one:
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? Honey
3. Your hair? blondish
4. Your mother? compassionate
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? unsure
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? pregnancy
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? miscarriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired
14. What you're not? bored
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? truck
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? capris
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Yeah
25. Your car? white
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? friends
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
River's Bend tagged me for this sort of random activity...here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.Here are 6 random things about myself:
1. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. At one point we had 22 cats living on our farm. This is no joke. Seriously...we were feeding all 22 of them. Thankfully they were all outdoor cats.
2. I can roller blade but I cannot roller skate. I tried to roller skate a couple of years ago with my niece and as soon as I stood up on them...I was on my butt (very embarrassed and in a lot of pain) However, strap me into some roller blades and away I go. (well I don't know so much anymore...but I USED to be REALLY good!)
3. I fell asleep at the wheel one night when I was on my way home during High School. It wasn't even that late, It was only like 8:30 pm. I never felt tired, I just remember waking up to grass whizzing by me as I was driving in the ditch. I over corrected, ended up on the other side of the highway and then over corrected again to the right side of the highway and ended up in the ditch. No damage to my car, and the only damaged I suffered was the fear of driving. My mom came to the accident sight as they towed my car out of the deep ravine I (we) landed in and she made me drive home!!!
4. I didn't learn how to swim under water until I was 20 years old. When I moved to AZ, my niece and nephew were in swim lessons and I would take them to their lesson and then take them to the pool afterwards. Well...I finally asked them (they were 7 and 8 at the time) if they would teach me what they were learning in swim lessons...and they did!!! So know I can successfully swim under water thanks to my loving niece and nephew!
5. I am horrible about putting my shoes away. I leave them all over the house. I leave them in the living room, in the entry, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen I leave them everywhere. I don't know why, I just kick my shoes off wherever I want and then I get too lazy to pick them up I guess. My husband HATES this about me. Out of all of my quirks...this is the one that bugs him the most...I just can't break it.
6. I'm PREGNANT!!! OMG...I tested on Saturday evening because AF hadn't shown and we were getting ready to go to a party. I wanted to be safe in case I decided to have a few drinks...so I tested and it was POSITIVE!!! I am so over the moon, it feels so surreal and I am still in total shock! Thank you all so much for all of your support and your love that has helped me get to this point. I am forever grateful to you! My first dr. appt. is on Monday so I will have more info (hopefully all good) then!
I am tagging: Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings, I believe in Miracles, Mama Wanna Be , The Weber Family, The Life of a Miracle Baby, and Serenity Now!
Hope2Morrow Tagged me on this one:
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? Honey
3. Your hair? blondish
4. Your mother? compassionate
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? unsure
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? pregnancy
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? miscarriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired
14. What you're not? bored
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? truck
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? capris
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Yeah
25. Your car? white
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? friends
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
River's Bend tagged me for this sort of random activity...here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.Here are 6 random things about myself:
1. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. At one point we had 22 cats living on our farm. This is no joke. Seriously...we were feeding all 22 of them. Thankfully they were all outdoor cats.
2. I can roller blade but I cannot roller skate. I tried to roller skate a couple of years ago with my niece and as soon as I stood up on them...I was on my butt (very embarrassed and in a lot of pain) However, strap me into some roller blades and away I go. (well I don't know so much anymore...but I USED to be REALLY good!)
3. I fell asleep at the wheel one night when I was on my way home during High School. It wasn't even that late, It was only like 8:30 pm. I never felt tired, I just remember waking up to grass whizzing by me as I was driving in the ditch. I over corrected, ended up on the other side of the highway and then over corrected again to the right side of the highway and ended up in the ditch. No damage to my car, and the only damaged I suffered was the fear of driving. My mom came to the accident sight as they towed my car out of the deep ravine I (we) landed in and she made me drive home!!!
4. I didn't learn how to swim under water until I was 20 years old. When I moved to AZ, my niece and nephew were in swim lessons and I would take them to their lesson and then take them to the pool afterwards. Well...I finally asked them (they were 7 and 8 at the time) if they would teach me what they were learning in swim lessons...and they did!!! So know I can successfully swim under water thanks to my loving niece and nephew!
5. I am horrible about putting my shoes away. I leave them all over the house. I leave them in the living room, in the entry, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen I leave them everywhere. I don't know why, I just kick my shoes off wherever I want and then I get too lazy to pick them up I guess. My husband HATES this about me. Out of all of my quirks...this is the one that bugs him the most...I just can't break it.
6. I'm PREGNANT!!! OMG...I tested on Saturday evening because AF hadn't shown and we were getting ready to go to a party. I wanted to be safe in case I decided to have a few drinks...so I tested and it was POSITIVE!!! I am so over the moon, it feels so surreal and I am still in total shock! Thank you all so much for all of your support and your love that has helped me get to this point. I am forever grateful to you! My first dr. appt. is on Monday so I will have more info (hopefully all good) then!
I am tagging: Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings, I believe in Miracles, Mama Wanna Be , The Weber Family, The Life of a Miracle Baby, and Serenity Now!
Monday, July 21, 2008
Update on me...
Today is CD16 for me. I still haven't received a + ovulation yet, but that is ok cause last month I didn't "O" until CD22, so I am just patiently waiting. Well I am kind of being patient.
My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha
Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!
My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.
Well. I don't.
What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.
What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.
I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.
My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha
Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!
My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.
Well. I don't.
What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.
What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.
I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
CD12 Update
I'm here...CD12. No "O" yet. Started the glorious monotony of peeing on sticks tonight.
My sister called yesterday to tell me that she is pg. I didn't even know she was trying. So I am a little shocked and a little confused but totally happy for her. A little jealous...but happy just the same.
I am going to be an aunt again!
My sister called yesterday to tell me that she is pg. I didn't even know she was trying. So I am a little shocked and a little confused but totally happy for her. A little jealous...but happy just the same.
I am going to be an aunt again!
Monday, March 10, 2008
Not sure what to think
So I know I haven't blogged in a while. For multiple reasons.
Number one, I have been VERY busy. My parents were in town for a week which was wonderful! We were finally able to show off our house to them. I finally broke down and let Pace buy a quad. It is so much fun! Then Pace rolled the quad. No real damage to either of them, just a few scrapes and bruises.
Number Two: I have just been sad. I don't like to blog when I am sad because then I look back at what I wrote and think "God I sound like a pathetic whiny brat" so I refrain.
Last month (the 26th to be exact) marked 3 years of marriage and Trying To Conceive. A very bittersweet day for Pace and I. So, I have just been sad. I started taking Provera to bring on AF on our anniversary (ironic isn't it?).
This is nothing new for me, for the last 6 months I have taken Provera to bring on AF. Every month, I take it for 10 days and on day 11 AF is here in all of her glory. So imagine my surprise when I woke up on day 12 and AF still hadn't come. Of course my body goes into full "Hey lets trick her into thinking she is pregnant" mode. And mass chaos ensued. I became a manic, symptom seeking, moody, boob poking, frequently urinating idiot.
I still have no resolution. I have taken pg tests, all negative, but still no AF. I have no idea what my body is doing, but I figure either 1. I AM pregnant and it is just too early to tell via pg test. (After all my cycles are SO screwed up I have absolutely NO idea if/when I ovulate) or 2. Something else is wrong with my body and I am moving farther and farther away from actually conceiving.
*sigh*
Why can't my body just cooperate. Why do we have to play these silly little games? Am I pg or not? So silly! I have no idea what to think, but I have decided that maybe I should just give thinking up all together. That way, I won't over obsess, won't over analyze and make myself absolutely crazy.
And besides...men love women that don't think! It could be my own little anniversary present to Pace!
**Update** AF is here. This month is a bust and once again I have wasted 5 days of my life worrying and obsessing about this shit.
Number one, I have been VERY busy. My parents were in town for a week which was wonderful! We were finally able to show off our house to them. I finally broke down and let Pace buy a quad. It is so much fun! Then Pace rolled the quad. No real damage to either of them, just a few scrapes and bruises.
Number Two: I have just been sad. I don't like to blog when I am sad because then I look back at what I wrote and think "God I sound like a pathetic whiny brat" so I refrain.
Last month (the 26th to be exact) marked 3 years of marriage and Trying To Conceive. A very bittersweet day for Pace and I. So, I have just been sad. I started taking Provera to bring on AF on our anniversary (ironic isn't it?).
This is nothing new for me, for the last 6 months I have taken Provera to bring on AF. Every month, I take it for 10 days and on day 11 AF is here in all of her glory. So imagine my surprise when I woke up on day 12 and AF still hadn't come. Of course my body goes into full "Hey lets trick her into thinking she is pregnant" mode. And mass chaos ensued. I became a manic, symptom seeking, moody, boob poking, frequently urinating idiot.
I still have no resolution. I have taken pg tests, all negative, but still no AF. I have no idea what my body is doing, but I figure either 1. I AM pregnant and it is just too early to tell via pg test. (After all my cycles are SO screwed up I have absolutely NO idea if/when I ovulate) or 2. Something else is wrong with my body and I am moving farther and farther away from actually conceiving.
*sigh*
Why can't my body just cooperate. Why do we have to play these silly little games? Am I pg or not? So silly! I have no idea what to think, but I have decided that maybe I should just give thinking up all together. That way, I won't over obsess, won't over analyze and make myself absolutely crazy.
And besides...men love women that don't think! It could be my own little anniversary present to Pace!
**Update** AF is here. This month is a bust and once again I have wasted 5 days of my life worrying and obsessing about this shit.
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