AF finally came today. Praise God I can put this cycle behind me and move forward. So...in four days I will start Clomid again and see what happens.
I am scared. I am anxious. I am excited. I am grouchy. I am terrified.
I don't know if my heart can handle much more. But at least I can move forward.
Oh...and I am gaining weight again. Last Oct. I started taking Met.Formin and lost 35 pounds. Since my miscarriage I have gained 8 back. WTF??? I haven't done anything different...but I am packing the pounds on again. I HATE THIS!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
What the Frick and Frack?
Per my last post, I emailed my Dr. to see if I should start taking Prov.era to bring on AF. I was hoping that she would say "yes...absolutely start the Pro.vera" However, that is not what she said. She told me to wait a couple more weeks and if AF hadn't shown by then, to give her a call. This just pissed me off.
I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?
So here I sit on CD42.
Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?
So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.
Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????
My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?
I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).
So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.
**Sigh**
I am sick of wasting time. We got so close last time...I just want to barge forward. I am tired of sitting around and not moving forward. My chances of being pg by Christmas go down considerably every day that I am just sitting around and both of my sisters are pregnant. How am I going to handle Christmas with my two VERY pregnant sisters without a pregnancy myself?
So here I sit on CD42.
Let me tell you how neurotic I have become. Yesterday I was at work and wasn't feeling very well. I was kind of queasy and had a headache (probably related to the beer I drank the night before) Any who...I went to the bathroom to floss and brush my teeth and my gums started bleeding. My gums almost NEVER bleed, so I thought it was kind of weird. Now a couple of cycles ago I remember reading that ovulation prediction tests will also show two lines if you are pregnant due to the elevated LH in a pregnant woman's body. I have a stash of ovulation prediction tests at my work, so I thought...what the heck?
So I did my duty and immediately my body filled with tension. Over the last 6 weeks, I have been so focused on trying to get over the miscarriage that I haven't even thought about ovulation tests, pregnancy tests or even prenatal vitamins. So the "infertility" tension immediately consumed my body.
Within 10 seconds....there were two lines. WTH????
My mind begins racing...OMG am I ovulating? If so, I need to make sure that DH and I do not do any mattress mambo as my Dr. told us to wait at least one cycle. But I am on CD41...it is pretty late to be ovulating isn't it? So then my mind went really wild...what if I am pg? Could it be? Could God have used my miscarriage in order to allow me to conceive with no fertility drugs at all? Could this be the answer and my confirmation testimony? Totally and completely a surprise pregnancy? Could it be?
I tried to focus through the rest of my day at work...semi-successfully. When I got home, I immediately took a pregnancy test. Of course it was negative. So now I have no idea what the heck is going on. I am going to take another ovulation test today, but I just want this cycle to be over so I can MOVE ON!!! If I ovulated today...that means that AF is still at least 2 weeks out. That will put my next CD1 around October 11th which only gives me 2 cycles to try and get pregnant before Christmas...and that is ONLY if everything goes perfectly and my cycles resume to normal after this one. (which isn't very likely).
So I am feeling a little frustrated, and very defeated today. I kind of struggled back and forth about going ahead and trying this month. If I O today...maybe we could be pg in two weeks. I know it isn't ideal, and it is against Dr.'s orders...but again...that is how neurotic I am right now.
**Sigh**
Monday, September 22, 2008
Bible Study update
It wasn't HORRIBLE...but it wasn't GREAT.
I felt so detached. Let me explain...I am a baby Christian, I go to a non-denominational church and am new to this whole "relationship with God thing." I don't have scripture memorized, I don't hear God's voice, etc. The people that facilitate my bible study to ... I guess you could compare them to Pentecostal Christians. They are very avid in the super-natural. They speak in tongues, they are "slain in the Spirit." ect. MUCH different than the Catholic church I grew up in.
I used to enjoy these bible studies...they felt very powerful to me and I was very interested in this new type of worship. But this time I was so detached I just was NOT feeling it. If fact...for the first time, it seemed almost comical to me.
I cried the whole time non-stop. (like I knew I would) and I could not get out of there soon enough. I wasn't ready. I need to take it MUCH slower. Pace and I talked and we are going to return to our non-denominational church in the next couple of weeks and we are going to skip the "bible studies" we have been going to. We are just going to take it very slow for a while.
I am still waiting for AF to show. Today is Day 39 with no sign of AF in sight. I am going to email my dr. and see if she thinks I should just wait it out, or if I should start Provera to bring on AF.
I felt so detached. Let me explain...I am a baby Christian, I go to a non-denominational church and am new to this whole "relationship with God thing." I don't have scripture memorized, I don't hear God's voice, etc. The people that facilitate my bible study to ... I guess you could compare them to Pentecostal Christians. They are very avid in the super-natural. They speak in tongues, they are "slain in the Spirit." ect. MUCH different than the Catholic church I grew up in.
I used to enjoy these bible studies...they felt very powerful to me and I was very interested in this new type of worship. But this time I was so detached I just was NOT feeling it. If fact...for the first time, it seemed almost comical to me.
I cried the whole time non-stop. (like I knew I would) and I could not get out of there soon enough. I wasn't ready. I need to take it MUCH slower. Pace and I talked and we are going to return to our non-denominational church in the next couple of weeks and we are going to skip the "bible studies" we have been going to. We are just going to take it very slow for a while.
I am still waiting for AF to show. Today is Day 39 with no sign of AF in sight. I am going to email my dr. and see if she thinks I should just wait it out, or if I should start Provera to bring on AF.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Bible Study
I am attending my first bible study tonight since the pregnancy and miscarriage. I am terrified. I am already an emotional person, but lately I have been REALLY emotional and I just don't know if I am prepared for tonight.
I know I will cry the whole time
I know I will show my anger
I know I will hurt my husband...he has seen my cry so much lately, I know he hates it cause it makes him feel helpless
I just want to be a fly on the wall, small enough so that no one can see me or hear me and I can do my thing, I can cry, kick, scream and wail and not have to worry about anyone seeing or hearing me. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear their "I'm sorry's" I just don't want to be the center of attention for THAT reason.
I am freaking out a little bit. Thank God Pace will be with me. It's funny, in the past I was always the motivating factor in going to bible study...now he is. Funny how things change.
I know I will cry the whole time
I know I will show my anger
I know I will hurt my husband...he has seen my cry so much lately, I know he hates it cause it makes him feel helpless
I just want to be a fly on the wall, small enough so that no one can see me or hear me and I can do my thing, I can cry, kick, scream and wail and not have to worry about anyone seeing or hearing me. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear their "I'm sorry's" I just don't want to be the center of attention for THAT reason.
I am freaking out a little bit. Thank God Pace will be with me. It's funny, in the past I was always the motivating factor in going to bible study...now he is. Funny how things change.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
We Met...
My friend that I lost almost 2 years ago had drinks with me tonight. It was awesome! I miss her so much and we had a great talk. I got a sincere apology for what went down way back when, and I got the chance to apologize to her too.
I have not seen this friend since our blow up almost 3 years ago nor have we had any communication since (other than texting trying to set up a time to meet). It was like we were never NOT friends.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and feel a total sense of peace....
I have not seen this friend since our blow up almost 3 years ago nor have we had any communication since (other than texting trying to set up a time to meet). It was like we were never NOT friends.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and feel a total sense of peace....
Monday, September 15, 2008
Not so much today
Not So MuchToday
A month ago I was lost
I was sad and broken
I was living a nightmare
No words could be spoken
To make me feel better
To feel more at peace
My heart was shattered
My happiness had ceased
I was angry and bitter
I hated my life
I felt that I was let down
I felt like a horrible wife
The devastation I felt
Was like none before
I had lost my child
I could take no more
More than three years I waited
To have a child in my womb
Now it was all over
And my body, now a tomb
But not so much today
I am not quite as sad
Not as full of hate
And my life isn’t so bad
The sadness remains
The devastation is still there
But it isn’t quite as strong
It is something I can bear
I still ache for my baby
That will never go away
But my hope is returning
More and more every day
Written by Me September 15th, 2008
A month ago I was lost
I was sad and broken
I was living a nightmare
No words could be spoken
To make me feel better
To feel more at peace
My heart was shattered
My happiness had ceased
I was angry and bitter
I hated my life
I felt that I was let down
I felt like a horrible wife
The devastation I felt
Was like none before
I had lost my child
I could take no more
More than three years I waited
To have a child in my womb
Now it was all over
And my body, now a tomb
But not so much today
I am not quite as sad
Not as full of hate
And my life isn’t so bad
The sadness remains
The devastation is still there
But it isn’t quite as strong
It is something I can bear
I still ache for my baby
That will never go away
But my hope is returning
More and more every day
Written by Me September 15th, 2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
One Month Ago Today...
One month ago today all my dreams were coming true.
One month ago today I believed in miracles.
One month ago today I got to make my husband the happiest man on the planet.
One month ago today I got to call my parents and share the good news.
One month ago today I thought it was all going to work out.
One month ago today I felt the happiest I had in over 3 years.
One month ago today I felt like a "normal" woman.
One month ago today I was dreaming of a nursery.
One month ago today I was looking at baby names.
One month ago today I was imagining my husband playing catch with our child.
One month ago today I couldn't believe this was actually happening.
One month ago today I had a taste of overwhelming joy
One month ago today, for the first time I saw the words "pregnant"
One month ago today I believed in miracles.
One month ago today I got to make my husband the happiest man on the planet.
One month ago today I got to call my parents and share the good news.
One month ago today I thought it was all going to work out.
One month ago today I felt the happiest I had in over 3 years.
One month ago today I felt like a "normal" woman.
One month ago today I was dreaming of a nursery.
One month ago today I was looking at baby names.
One month ago today I was imagining my husband playing catch with our child.
One month ago today I couldn't believe this was actually happening.
One month ago today I had a taste of overwhelming joy
One month ago today, for the first time I saw the words "pregnant"
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
I'm Still Alive...
For a while I wasn't sure if I would ever feel alive again, but slowly, I am returning to a somewhat normal state of mind. The bad days are getting fewer and farther between, however the pregnancy announcements seem to be coming at me quicker than I can handle them.
I have noticed through this infertility thing that pregnancies tend to go in waves...as in all of my friends were pregnant at the same time 2 years ago, and now...here I am again. Most of my friends are getting pregnant. In addition to two of my sisters. I am happy for each and every one of them and wish them nothing but the best, but it does sting a little bit.
It leaves me wondering WHY??? How many times I have said WHY in the last three and a half years? Too many to count. I am bitter and angry and confused and feel totally rejected.
This has been probably the most horrific past couple of weeks I have ever endured. Between the miscarriage, dealing with family, finding out who our real friends are, doctors appointments, awkward conversations, I am just drained. I am tired and I am just really sick of it all.
I quit volunteering at the Women's Center. I just couldn't bear the thought of surrounding myself with women and girls that were pregnant and didn't appreciate it. Surrounding myself with women who were considering abortions. Surrounding myself with women my age that have six children and no means to provide for them. I just couldn't do it.
There really is no point to this post. No real point anyway. Just a note to let everyone know that I am alive, I am here, I am living day by day. I am struggling, but the struggle gets a tad bit easier every day.
I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your prayers, your cards, the flowers, the text messages, the emails...I thank you so much.
Pace and I will be trying again...we are just waiting for my cycles to return and then we jump back on the roller coaster. I am so NOT looking forward to trying again. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it...but I just don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally. It seems like every time my hope builds and things seem to be working out for me, I am smashed back down to reality and stripped of everything.
INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!
I have noticed through this infertility thing that pregnancies tend to go in waves...as in all of my friends were pregnant at the same time 2 years ago, and now...here I am again. Most of my friends are getting pregnant. In addition to two of my sisters. I am happy for each and every one of them and wish them nothing but the best, but it does sting a little bit.
It leaves me wondering WHY??? How many times I have said WHY in the last three and a half years? Too many to count. I am bitter and angry and confused and feel totally rejected.
This has been probably the most horrific past couple of weeks I have ever endured. Between the miscarriage, dealing with family, finding out who our real friends are, doctors appointments, awkward conversations, I am just drained. I am tired and I am just really sick of it all.
I quit volunteering at the Women's Center. I just couldn't bear the thought of surrounding myself with women and girls that were pregnant and didn't appreciate it. Surrounding myself with women who were considering abortions. Surrounding myself with women my age that have six children and no means to provide for them. I just couldn't do it.
There really is no point to this post. No real point anyway. Just a note to let everyone know that I am alive, I am here, I am living day by day. I am struggling, but the struggle gets a tad bit easier every day.
I thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your prayers, your cards, the flowers, the text messages, the emails...I thank you so much.
Pace and I will be trying again...we are just waiting for my cycles to return and then we jump back on the roller coaster. I am so NOT looking forward to trying again. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it...but I just don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally. It seems like every time my hope builds and things seem to be working out for me, I am smashed back down to reality and stripped of everything.
INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!
Monday, August 18, 2008
My Precious Baby
Here is a poem I wrote today. Just part of the healing process I guess. Thank you all for your loving words and for your support.
My Precious Baby
You came to be
A little life in my womb
A gift from heaven
Taken too soon.
My heart is broken
My spirit, crushed
I don’t understand
Why your life was rushed.
We’ve waited so long
To be blessed with you
Now your gone…
My joy is too.
I dream of holding you
Of calming your fears
Of holding your hand
For the rest of my years
My precious baby
My angel above
I’ll miss you always
And forever will love.
My Precious Baby
You came to be
A little life in my womb
A gift from heaven
Taken too soon.
My heart is broken
My spirit, crushed
I don’t understand
Why your life was rushed.
We’ve waited so long
To be blessed with you
Now your gone…
My joy is too.
I dream of holding you
Of calming your fears
Of holding your hand
For the rest of my years
My precious baby
My angel above
I’ll miss you always
And forever will love.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mommy to an angel
I lost the baby today. I went to the ER but when they did the u/s...the baby was already gone.
I am devastated and so angry right now. Please understand that I won't be blogging for a while. Thank you all for your supportive words. You are some of the best friends I have every had and most of you I have never met.
I love you little baby...I will see you in heaven.
I am devastated and so angry right now. Please understand that I won't be blogging for a while. Thank you all for your supportive words. You are some of the best friends I have every had and most of you I have never met.
I love you little baby...I will see you in heaven.
Short Update
I called the dr. office yesterday to get my results (just like my dr. told me to do) only to be told that they could not release that info over the phone. I was furious, irate is more like it. I had to beg and plead, but they were able to get me an appt. for Saturday morning so I could get the results of both Betas.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
I rested last night and the spotting seemed to slow down...until this morning. I woke up with horrendous cramps and red spotting now.
I am numb, I am confused, I am scared and I have no idea what is going on. I am trying to be faithful and believe that this baby will make it and all will be ok. I am trying to talk myself into the fact that I will look back on this in 10 months while I am breastfeeding my baby and laugh at how overly emotional I was....but it is so hard.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Unexptected Ride
Wow. The last 4 days have just been a whirlwind of emotion. We told everyone about our pregnancy. We were so excited we just couldn't hold it in. I know it is smartest to wait until after the 12 week mark...but after 3 and a half years...we just couldn't wait.
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
Tuesday...I started spotting. I of course totally freaked out! I left a message for my dr. and went to bed praying and praying and praying.
Wednesday...My dr. called back wanted to see me at 3:10 pm. I arrive with Pace at 3:05 and checked in with the secretary. I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and asked her where they were. I went to the bathroom and then joined my husband again in the waiting room. About 10 minutes later a nurse came out and asked me if I had left her a urine sample in the bathroom. "NO...no one told me I needed to." She said "well...I need you to leave me a sample."
So I trotted back off to the bathroom to squeeze out what I could and rejoined my husband in the waiting room.
20 minutes went by and the same nurse came out and said "Nichole can you come here for a moment...I need to ask you something." I walked down the hallway with her then she asked me the question that sent fear and devastation down my spine. "When you took your home pregnancy tests...how long did you let them sit?" I replied. "I didn't, the first one came up within a few seconds, the second one took a little longer but it was a dollar store test, so I didn't think much of it." She said "well your test came back negative."
Of course at this point I started bawling. She tried to cover her tracks by saying "it might just be our tests...sometimes we get bad ones, I am doing another test right now, please don't cry." She told me to go back to the waiting room and the dr. would be with me shortly.
So I go back and sit in the waiting room with all of the "obviously" pregnant women and just wrapped my hands around my belly and started praying. 10 minutes later the same nurse called me back again, took my weight and escorted me to an exam room. She said that "Jocelyn said it was a faint positive, so I need to get some history from you." (Jocelyn is my dr. and don't you think the nurse was SO convincing?)
So after she took my history and left the room, the tears started flowing again, then Jocelyn came into the room saying "Congratulations!" Then she caught a look at my face and immediately asked what was wrong. I told her (between sobs) that the nurse had told me that the test was negative and i was totally freaking out. She said that it was a faint positive, but it was positive and told me not to worry. At this point I was crying so hard I swear the stupid paper gown they had me wearing was dissolving.
She did the pelvic exam and determined that my cervix was closed and that the spotting I was experiencing was old blood and said that she was not concerned about it at all. She said that she was going to send me to the lab to have a Beta drawn, and to check my progesterone and thyroid. She again said "Congratulations" (this word now makes me cringe because I have no idea WTF is going on with my BABY!)
So here is where I am at. I should get the results of my first Beta today (and my progesterone) then I go back to the lab on Friday to have another Beta drawn and the numbers from the Beta on Friday should be double the number of yesterdays Beta. As long as the numbers double...everything is fine and I can relax and try to enjoy being pregnant again, however if they don't double. It's over. I am miscarrying.
I am trying to hard to have FAITH. Surely God would not bring me up to this point and then take the baby away from me right? I mean I have very strong Women of God around me who have told me that God has revealed to them that I would have a baby in my arms by May of next year. Well...correct me if I am wrong, but that means that I would have to be pg now and be able to carry this baby that I am currently carrying... to term. So surely God isn't going to allow these revelations to be false right? I am really reaching out here to you women of Faith...I really need some encouragement right now. I need every prayer you can muster up right now.
I will update my post with the Beta and Progesterone results when I have them.
God Please Don't Take My Baby Away!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Tag! Yeah! I love being tagged!
Thank you for the recent tags...I wasn't really on the Internet this weekend, so I am going to answer a few tags first before I get to the nitty gritty:
Hope2Morrow Tagged me on this one:
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? Honey
3. Your hair? blondish
4. Your mother? compassionate
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? unsure
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? pregnancy
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? miscarriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired
14. What you're not? bored
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? truck
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? capris
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Yeah
25. Your car? white
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? friends
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
River's Bend tagged me for this sort of random activity...here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.Here are 6 random things about myself:
1. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. At one point we had 22 cats living on our farm. This is no joke. Seriously...we were feeding all 22 of them. Thankfully they were all outdoor cats.
2. I can roller blade but I cannot roller skate. I tried to roller skate a couple of years ago with my niece and as soon as I stood up on them...I was on my butt (very embarrassed and in a lot of pain) However, strap me into some roller blades and away I go. (well I don't know so much anymore...but I USED to be REALLY good!)
3. I fell asleep at the wheel one night when I was on my way home during High School. It wasn't even that late, It was only like 8:30 pm. I never felt tired, I just remember waking up to grass whizzing by me as I was driving in the ditch. I over corrected, ended up on the other side of the highway and then over corrected again to the right side of the highway and ended up in the ditch. No damage to my car, and the only damaged I suffered was the fear of driving. My mom came to the accident sight as they towed my car out of the deep ravine I (we) landed in and she made me drive home!!!
4. I didn't learn how to swim under water until I was 20 years old. When I moved to AZ, my niece and nephew were in swim lessons and I would take them to their lesson and then take them to the pool afterwards. Well...I finally asked them (they were 7 and 8 at the time) if they would teach me what they were learning in swim lessons...and they did!!! So know I can successfully swim under water thanks to my loving niece and nephew!
5. I am horrible about putting my shoes away. I leave them all over the house. I leave them in the living room, in the entry, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen I leave them everywhere. I don't know why, I just kick my shoes off wherever I want and then I get too lazy to pick them up I guess. My husband HATES this about me. Out of all of my quirks...this is the one that bugs him the most...I just can't break it.
6. I'm PREGNANT!!! OMG...I tested on Saturday evening because AF hadn't shown and we were getting ready to go to a party. I wanted to be safe in case I decided to have a few drinks...so I tested and it was POSITIVE!!! I am so over the moon, it feels so surreal and I am still in total shock! Thank you all so much for all of your support and your love that has helped me get to this point. I am forever grateful to you! My first dr. appt. is on Monday so I will have more info (hopefully all good) then!
I am tagging: Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings, I believe in Miracles, Mama Wanna Be , The Weber Family, The Life of a Miracle Baby, and Serenity Now!
Hope2Morrow Tagged me on this one:
Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.
1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? Honey
3. Your hair? blondish
4. Your mother? compassionate
5. Your father? unrealistic
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? unsure
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? pregnancy
10. The room you're in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? miscarriage
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? retired
14. What you're not? bored
15. Muffins? chocolate
16. One of your wish list items? truck
17. Where you grew up? Kansas
18. The last thing you did? ate
19. What are you wearing? capris
20. Favorite gadget? computer
21. Your pet? dogs
22. Your computer? laptop
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? Yeah
25. Your car? white
26. Something you are not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? friends
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today
River's Bend tagged me for this sort of random activity...here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules to your blog
3. Write 6 random things about myself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.Here are 6 random things about myself:
1. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. At one point we had 22 cats living on our farm. This is no joke. Seriously...we were feeding all 22 of them. Thankfully they were all outdoor cats.
2. I can roller blade but I cannot roller skate. I tried to roller skate a couple of years ago with my niece and as soon as I stood up on them...I was on my butt (very embarrassed and in a lot of pain) However, strap me into some roller blades and away I go. (well I don't know so much anymore...but I USED to be REALLY good!)
3. I fell asleep at the wheel one night when I was on my way home during High School. It wasn't even that late, It was only like 8:30 pm. I never felt tired, I just remember waking up to grass whizzing by me as I was driving in the ditch. I over corrected, ended up on the other side of the highway and then over corrected again to the right side of the highway and ended up in the ditch. No damage to my car, and the only damaged I suffered was the fear of driving. My mom came to the accident sight as they towed my car out of the deep ravine I (we) landed in and she made me drive home!!!
4. I didn't learn how to swim under water until I was 20 years old. When I moved to AZ, my niece and nephew were in swim lessons and I would take them to their lesson and then take them to the pool afterwards. Well...I finally asked them (they were 7 and 8 at the time) if they would teach me what they were learning in swim lessons...and they did!!! So know I can successfully swim under water thanks to my loving niece and nephew!
5. I am horrible about putting my shoes away. I leave them all over the house. I leave them in the living room, in the entry, in the hallway, in the bathroom, in the bedroom, in the kitchen I leave them everywhere. I don't know why, I just kick my shoes off wherever I want and then I get too lazy to pick them up I guess. My husband HATES this about me. Out of all of my quirks...this is the one that bugs him the most...I just can't break it.
6. I'm PREGNANT!!! OMG...I tested on Saturday evening because AF hadn't shown and we were getting ready to go to a party. I wanted to be safe in case I decided to have a few drinks...so I tested and it was POSITIVE!!! I am so over the moon, it feels so surreal and I am still in total shock! Thank you all so much for all of your support and your love that has helped me get to this point. I am forever grateful to you! My first dr. appt. is on Monday so I will have more info (hopefully all good) then!
I am tagging: Bec @ Crazy Lady Ramblings, I believe in Miracles, Mama Wanna Be , The Weber Family, The Life of a Miracle Baby, and Serenity Now!
Friday, August 08, 2008
Rain, Cars and Football
It rained last night. And it was beautiful. I love the monsoon storms in Arizona, it doesn't rain often here, but when it does...look out! The storms come in quickly, full of power, full of lightning, it dumps the rain and then it is just calm and quiet.
I am kind of in a funk the last couple of days. Pace has been working a lot of hours the last couple of weeks. As in...working the day shift AND the night shift! So I kind of feel a little isolated from him right now. I am sure the stress of waiting for AF has something to do with it as well. I have been pretty proud of myself for not testing yet. I am a POASaholic...so this is taking much restraint and determination for me, but I DON'T want to go into work after another BFN. If AF hasn't shown up by Sunday morning, I will probably test.
I am not all that hopeful for this cycle with the screwy OPT and the lack of any symptoms whatsoever...but who knows. It is in God's hands and nothing I do about it at this point will do any good. I just need to have faith that He knows my plan.
I have decided to sell my car and get a truck. We need something that will haul all of our camping stuff and the quads up north when we want to go camping or riding and I am ready for a change. It is kind of bitter sweet though. As I was washing off my car so I could take pictures I started reminiscing about buying this car. It was seven years ago, I was single and buying my first car and I had two priorities. Two things that were a must when purchasing a car.
1. a CD player
2. backseat that would comfortably accommodate a car seat.
Yep...that's right. I wasn't dating anyone, I wasn't trying to conceive but my priorities were to be prepared to have children. It makes me sad to know that one of the main intentions was to put a baby in the car and that never happened (at least not my baby) only my mother in laws baby.
So...it is a little bitter sweet for me to get rid of my car. My first big purchase. My first big independent move as an adult. My first car.
I am so glad today is Friday! Work has been such a depressing place lately. Almost everyone I work with is a non-believer (or at least not active believers) and it makes me sad. When I come to work it is full of tension, full of anger and resentment. I remember when coming to work was the highlight of my day. It used to be fun, uplifting and pleasant. I used to feel good when I left, not stressed, drained and ultimately beat up. I can be so filled with the Holy Spirit on Sunday and by midday on Monday...I am zapped. Just drained. I need to find ways to fill myself during the week so I don't feel so defeated by the end of the week.
On a high note: FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON HAS STARTED!!! I am SO happy football season is here. It is my favorite sport and I was so excited to see football on my TV last night!!!
This weekend should be ok. We are going to a going away party for Pace's best friend on Saturday evening. He is getting ready to move to another state. Other than that, not really any other plans for the weekend except...HOPEFULLY getting a BFP on Sunday!
I am kind of in a funk the last couple of days. Pace has been working a lot of hours the last couple of weeks. As in...working the day shift AND the night shift! So I kind of feel a little isolated from him right now. I am sure the stress of waiting for AF has something to do with it as well. I have been pretty proud of myself for not testing yet. I am a POASaholic...so this is taking much restraint and determination for me, but I DON'T want to go into work after another BFN. If AF hasn't shown up by Sunday morning, I will probably test.
I am not all that hopeful for this cycle with the screwy OPT and the lack of any symptoms whatsoever...but who knows. It is in God's hands and nothing I do about it at this point will do any good. I just need to have faith that He knows my plan.
I have decided to sell my car and get a truck. We need something that will haul all of our camping stuff and the quads up north when we want to go camping or riding and I am ready for a change. It is kind of bitter sweet though. As I was washing off my car so I could take pictures I started reminiscing about buying this car. It was seven years ago, I was single and buying my first car and I had two priorities. Two things that were a must when purchasing a car.
1. a CD player
2. backseat that would comfortably accommodate a car seat.
Yep...that's right. I wasn't dating anyone, I wasn't trying to conceive but my priorities were to be prepared to have children. It makes me sad to know that one of the main intentions was to put a baby in the car and that never happened (at least not my baby) only my mother in laws baby.
So...it is a little bitter sweet for me to get rid of my car. My first big purchase. My first big independent move as an adult. My first car.
I am so glad today is Friday! Work has been such a depressing place lately. Almost everyone I work with is a non-believer (or at least not active believers) and it makes me sad. When I come to work it is full of tension, full of anger and resentment. I remember when coming to work was the highlight of my day. It used to be fun, uplifting and pleasant. I used to feel good when I left, not stressed, drained and ultimately beat up. I can be so filled with the Holy Spirit on Sunday and by midday on Monday...I am zapped. Just drained. I need to find ways to fill myself during the week so I don't feel so defeated by the end of the week.
On a high note: FOOTBALL PRE-SEASON HAS STARTED!!! I am SO happy football season is here. It is my favorite sport and I was so excited to see football on my TV last night!!!
This weekend should be ok. We are going to a going away party for Pace's best friend on Saturday evening. He is getting ready to move to another state. Other than that, not really any other plans for the weekend except...HOPEFULLY getting a BFP on Sunday!
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The summer is coming to a close
As I drove to work this morning...I saw school buses. Which means that summer is ending. It makes me a little happy because that means that the weather will cool down again (well, at least it will cool down in a couple of months) but it makes me a little sad too because it is another season change with no pregnancy...no baby.
I am trying to remain faithful and it has been very helpful for me recently because I found some fellow Infertile Christian bloggers. They have been a HUGE blessing for me and a major inspiration.
On Friday evening we had our "House of the Refining Fire" gathering. It was AWESOME!!! The Pastor from Africa was incredible. She was so passionate, so alive with the Lord and just saturated in the Holy Spirit! She prayed over me for my infertility and she said that God told her that by this time next year I would be holding a baby. So...if my math is correct, that means I should be pregnant in the next couple of months.
I am really trying to be faithful and just KNOW that it is TRUE and it will happen, but after 3 and a half years of waiting, I am not nearly as optimistic as I should be. So I pray in the morning that God will help me believe, that he will keep me encouraged and my heart light. I know that it is all in His timing...I just wish I knew His timing!
On Saturday I test drove a truck. My little Pon.tiac is finally about to kick the bucket and we need something big enough to haul our trailer with the quads on it. So...I test drove a Toy.ota Tu.ndra. I LOVED IT!!! It drove so easy and parked even easier! So now we are just trying to figure out how much (or how little) I can get for my little car and then go for it. Pace's truck will officially be paid off in a couple of days, so we can just swap his payment for a new one. Grrr I really wish we had the money to pay cash! (of course if we did have that kind of cash...we would probably hang on to it for IF treatments)
Cycle update: Still have no idea where I am in my cycle, however IF I ovulated this month, I would be 13DPO today. I am still trying to stick to the don't test, just wait for AF method this cycle. In order to get the most accurate test, you should use first morning urine and I can't handle testing before work, getting a BFN and then going to work again. Last month that really backfired on me, so I am going to try and avoid that this month. I woke up this morning and my bb's weren't nearly as sore, so I am not sure that is a good sign...but only God knows what he is doing with my body!
So...Seasons come and Seasons go. I sincerely hope that the Lord is bringing my Season of Infertility to a close.
I am trying to remain faithful and it has been very helpful for me recently because I found some fellow Infertile Christian bloggers. They have been a HUGE blessing for me and a major inspiration.
On Friday evening we had our "House of the Refining Fire" gathering. It was AWESOME!!! The Pastor from Africa was incredible. She was so passionate, so alive with the Lord and just saturated in the Holy Spirit! She prayed over me for my infertility and she said that God told her that by this time next year I would be holding a baby. So...if my math is correct, that means I should be pregnant in the next couple of months.
I am really trying to be faithful and just KNOW that it is TRUE and it will happen, but after 3 and a half years of waiting, I am not nearly as optimistic as I should be. So I pray in the morning that God will help me believe, that he will keep me encouraged and my heart light. I know that it is all in His timing...I just wish I knew His timing!
On Saturday I test drove a truck. My little Pon.tiac is finally about to kick the bucket and we need something big enough to haul our trailer with the quads on it. So...I test drove a Toy.ota Tu.ndra. I LOVED IT!!! It drove so easy and parked even easier! So now we are just trying to figure out how much (or how little) I can get for my little car and then go for it. Pace's truck will officially be paid off in a couple of days, so we can just swap his payment for a new one. Grrr I really wish we had the money to pay cash! (of course if we did have that kind of cash...we would probably hang on to it for IF treatments)
Cycle update: Still have no idea where I am in my cycle, however IF I ovulated this month, I would be 13DPO today. I am still trying to stick to the don't test, just wait for AF method this cycle. In order to get the most accurate test, you should use first morning urine and I can't handle testing before work, getting a BFN and then going to work again. Last month that really backfired on me, so I am going to try and avoid that this month. I woke up this morning and my bb's weren't nearly as sore, so I am not sure that is a good sign...but only God knows what he is doing with my body!
So...Seasons come and Seasons go. I sincerely hope that the Lord is bringing my Season of Infertility to a close.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Pressing In
I had an amazing weekend (I know I am kind of late to post about the weekend, but better late than never) Pace and I drove up North to Mayer, AZ. It is a tiny little town right off the highway, very quaint and peaceful.
We stayed in this little lodge with a King bed and a heart shaped jacuzzi tub in the living room right next to the fireplace. It had a screened in porch in the back that overlooked trees and a creek. It was so peaceful there and so romantic! We took the quads up there and rode out in the desert. It was beautiful. As soon as we got the quads unloaded, it started sprinkling and sprinkled for about an hour or two. It was amazing! It was so peaceful, the weather was beautiful and it was wonderful being there with my hubby.
This week has been so busy...Pace has been working 17 hour days (which means he is working at night) so it has been really hectic around my house. I hate being home alone especially at night. My dog is super protective of me when I am at the house alone, so every time a car drives by or he hears something he starts barking and freaks me out! I try to keep myself busy and stay awake as long as possible so that I can easily just fall asleep.
We are hosting an event at our house tomorrow evening. It is called "House of the Refining Fire." Pastor Irene from Uganda Africa is going to be in our house facilitating a praise and worship session and rockin the house! I am very excited.
The Christian people in Africa have a much stronger faith than the majority of Americans. They come to Pastor Irene BELIEVING that they are going to be healed, BELIEVING that they will encounter the Lord, BELIEVING that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior. They sing out loud, they dance, they cry, they totally devote their entire minds and bodies to praising the Lord. They are not embarrassed, they are not ashamed, they are not concerned about what they look like when they are praising the Lord, their only concern is that they are pressing in, they are actively searching for the Lord and EXPECTING His presence.
American Christians (most of us anyway) are too prideful. We are too concerned that the person next to us will think we are "radical", "crazy", "possessed", or "brain washed". We are not afraid to scream and yell and be crazy at a sporting event, but when it comes to our Lord...we are suddenly shy. We have no problem proudly plastering our homes, cars, and offices with our favorite sports team, favorite player, favorite singer, favorite dancer...however we are hesitant to hang a cross, wear a cross, wear religious clothing or anything related to Him.
So I am so excited to be able to personally experience the "fire" of the African Christian culture and be able to witness the miracles that faith can bring.
As for the infertility front...I have no idea where I am in my cycle. IF I ovulated last week...then I am currently 8DPO. But again, I don't know if I actually ovulated or not, so I am just going to try and NOT test and just wait for AF to show. I have been having sore bb's and some cramping today so maybe "she" is on her way.
We stayed in this little lodge with a King bed and a heart shaped jacuzzi tub in the living room right next to the fireplace. It had a screened in porch in the back that overlooked trees and a creek. It was so peaceful there and so romantic! We took the quads up there and rode out in the desert. It was beautiful. As soon as we got the quads unloaded, it started sprinkling and sprinkled for about an hour or two. It was amazing! It was so peaceful, the weather was beautiful and it was wonderful being there with my hubby.
This week has been so busy...Pace has been working 17 hour days (which means he is working at night) so it has been really hectic around my house. I hate being home alone especially at night. My dog is super protective of me when I am at the house alone, so every time a car drives by or he hears something he starts barking and freaks me out! I try to keep myself busy and stay awake as long as possible so that I can easily just fall asleep.
We are hosting an event at our house tomorrow evening. It is called "House of the Refining Fire." Pastor Irene from Uganda Africa is going to be in our house facilitating a praise and worship session and rockin the house! I am very excited.
The Christian people in Africa have a much stronger faith than the majority of Americans. They come to Pastor Irene BELIEVING that they are going to be healed, BELIEVING that they will encounter the Lord, BELIEVING that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior. They sing out loud, they dance, they cry, they totally devote their entire minds and bodies to praising the Lord. They are not embarrassed, they are not ashamed, they are not concerned about what they look like when they are praising the Lord, their only concern is that they are pressing in, they are actively searching for the Lord and EXPECTING His presence.
American Christians (most of us anyway) are too prideful. We are too concerned that the person next to us will think we are "radical", "crazy", "possessed", or "brain washed". We are not afraid to scream and yell and be crazy at a sporting event, but when it comes to our Lord...we are suddenly shy. We have no problem proudly plastering our homes, cars, and offices with our favorite sports team, favorite player, favorite singer, favorite dancer...however we are hesitant to hang a cross, wear a cross, wear religious clothing or anything related to Him.
So I am so excited to be able to personally experience the "fire" of the African Christian culture and be able to witness the miracles that faith can bring.
As for the infertility front...I have no idea where I am in my cycle. IF I ovulated last week...then I am currently 8DPO. But again, I don't know if I actually ovulated or not, so I am just going to try and NOT test and just wait for AF to show. I have been having sore bb's and some cramping today so maybe "she" is on her way.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Finally...the end of the week...
This has been a stressful week - ok it has been a stressful couple of weeks! I still am not sure if I ovulated or not. My test on Wednesday morning had two lines and the test line was almost as dark as the control, but not quite. All tests since then have been lighter and lighter.
So I think I may be 2DPO, but I am not really sure. This may be an anovulatory cycle.
I have no symptoms...none. Not even made up ones.
I don't have cramping, I don't have sore bb's, I am not tired, I have NO symptoms.
So, I am just waiting, I don't think I am even going to test this month. I think I am just going to wait until AF shows (since she has actually been showing up lately). I just don't have the energy to deal with another BFN. Not right now. And especially since my sister is pg now.
So I think I may be 2DPO, but I am not really sure. This may be an anovulatory cycle.
I have no symptoms...none. Not even made up ones.
I don't have cramping, I don't have sore bb's, I am not tired, I have NO symptoms.
So, I am just waiting, I don't think I am even going to test this month. I think I am just going to wait until AF shows (since she has actually been showing up lately). I just don't have the energy to deal with another BFN. Not right now. And especially since my sister is pg now.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Update on me...
Today is CD16 for me. I still haven't received a + ovulation yet, but that is ok cause last month I didn't "O" until CD22, so I am just patiently waiting. Well I am kind of being patient.
My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha
Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!
My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.
Well. I don't.
What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.
What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.
I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.
My ovaries are feeling a little swollen/ tender today. I am really tired and I think I am coming down with a cold. I am sure stress has nothing to do with it. Haha
Last week was a very difficult week for me. In my last blog I wrote that my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant. I didn't write a whole lot about it at the time because I needed time to process it all first. I am not sure if any of my family members read my blog, and I want to be very careful to not offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. So if any of you reading this are family members, please know that I am so happy for her, but at the same time sad for myself. Trust me, I am really excited to have another niece or nephew and I am estatic for my sister, but at the same time...DAMN!
My sister had originally decided that she didn't want anymore kids. She has one boy and one girl and that was going to be the end for them. So, imagine my suprise when she called to tell me she was pg. I had absolutely no clue they were trying and to be honest...I would have appreciated the heads up. At least that way I could have prepared for the phone call. My sister's have no problem getting pg, so if she would have told me they were trying, at least I would have had a month or two to prepare. My other sister is trying right now as well. It is only a matter of time till I get that phone call too.
So now, all my family thinks that it would be so cool if all 3 of us were pg at the same time.
Well. I don't.
What if I don't get pg? Then Christmas time will be there and I will get to spend it with my two pregnant sisters. The same two sisters that already have 2 children (one sister was pg at my wedding, the other got pg a couple of months later). I get to see everyone's faces of pity and all of the akward conversation and questioning that I REALLY don't want to endure.
What if I do get pg? Then I have to share the glory (for lack of better words) with my two sisters. Don't get me wrong, if I do end up getting pg in the next couple of months...I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL...but at the same time, I kind of wanted my own time to be pg. Not time to share with my two sisters. I am being selfish...I know. But this is what IF has done to me. I can't help feeling this way. It would be like 3 sisters planning their wedding at the same time and getting married at the same time. The first pg for a woman should be a special time - her own time to enjoy and be doted upon. Especially after 3 and a half years of trying for that first pregnancy.
I don't know, I guess I am not handling it very well. I love my sisters and am close to them, but IF is definately effecting my relationship with them. I got to hear the all time favorite (once you start the adoption process, you will get pregnant) comment this week. My sister meant well, but that is one of the most insensitive comments one could make. It is almost as bad as "If you just relaxed, it would happen" or "My cousins sister in law had trouble and as soon as they quit trying, BOOM, she got pregnant". I could go on an on about this situation, but it really doesn't get my anywhere, it is what it is and I just have to deal with it.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
CD12 Update
I'm here...CD12. No "O" yet. Started the glorious monotony of peeing on sticks tonight.
My sister called yesterday to tell me that she is pg. I didn't even know she was trying. So I am a little shocked and a little confused but totally happy for her. A little jealous...but happy just the same.
I am going to be an aunt again!
My sister called yesterday to tell me that she is pg. I didn't even know she was trying. So I am a little shocked and a little confused but totally happy for her. A little jealous...but happy just the same.
I am going to be an aunt again!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Impossible to Please
I decided this morning as I was getting ready for work that I am impossible to please. (and my husband would probably agree)
Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.
I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)
So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).
I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!
I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!
I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:
DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy
I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!
Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.
I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)
So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).
I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!
I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!
I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:
DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy
I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!
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