Oye...Calgon take me away!

First it was Jessica Alba

then it was Lily Allen

and now...Jamie Lynn Spears @ 16 years old!!!

Grrrrr!

These stupid famous women having unplanned pregnancies. what great role models. I hope Jaime Lynn does get fired from Nickelodeon. Kids today already have enough delinquent role models...do they really need any more.

Damn Fertile Myrtles!!!

Yes...I am bitter. I am hurt, confused, pissed and bitter.

Pics...as promised

Ok...well I am still here, still waiting on AF. Stupid winch.

Anyway...here are a couple before and afters. Hope you enjoy!

Here is main hall looking out from the kitchen...BEFORE

Here it is AFTER

I will add more before and afters. I need to take some of the kitchen after I finish a few more touches, but this gives you an idea.

UPDATE....

She cancelled. I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know why after an entire year of not communicating she all of a sudden wants to make contact, but then when I do respond to her and schedule something, she cancels. It feels like a slap in the face. She said "I will call you on Saturday to set up another time to meet." It is Monday now and I still haven't heard from her. Some people never change. I am done trying with her, the ball is in her court.

As the holidays grow closer, it makes me sad. I miss my parents and the snow and it actually FEELING like Christmas outside. Christmas just isn't the same here in Arizona. I miss my family traditions like spending an entire Saturday listening to Christmas music with my mom while we decorate the house. I miss baking cookies and goodies with my mom, putting plates together and delivering them to our neighbors.

I wish Pace and I had kids so we could start our own family traditions and so I could carry on some of my family's traditions. I just can't imagine being able to celebrate Christmas morning with our own child and how amazing that will be. Being able to see the Spirit of Christmas through the eyes of a child. To be able to teach them about Baby Jesus and why we celebrate Christmas. Only in my most amazing dreams!

Friendships and houses

The boxes are unpacked, the air fresheners are up and the house is actually starting to look like our house. I absolutely love our house. I love coming home, I love just sitting and staring at the walls, the floors, the cabinets...everything. I love being in the front yard, I love being in the backyard, I love being in every room of the house!!!

OK...that is enough love...

AF still hasn't shown up. I am not really sure what I am supposed to do if she decides not to come this month. I guess I will call my dr. at the beginning of the year if she isn't here.

I have some new stuff going on in the "friend" department. I have been hanging out with this really cool chick I will call her "J". She has suffered through 3 miscarriages in the last 3 years and I must say it is wonderfully amazing to have a friend in real life that suffers from infertility as well. ..Well...she isn't infertile, she has no problem GETTING pregnant, she just hasn't been able to HOLD a pregnancy yet. Anyway...she has been a great friend. We cry to each other, make each other laugh, vent our baby frustrations to each other and at the end of the day we know that we will wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.
I enjoy talking to her because she is very funny, sarcastic, smart and man does she know her politics!

I know I said I would post pics of the house, but I just haven't taken the time to download them to my computer yet. I promise I will get them to you soon.

Oh...another new thing in the friend department. If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you will remember the story about my friend from a year ago when we had a HUGE blowout regarding my infertility and her utter disrespect for my sensitivity to the subject. We haven't talked since that day, and tomorrow morning at 7:15 am I will be sitting across the table from her at Starbucks. I don't know why I continue to feel this desire to have a friendship with her. But I do, and apparently she does to. I am very nervous to see her. I really hope she is at least sensitive enough to not bring her son. Although I would love to see him, I just don't want to see him right now. So, I will fill you in on the conversation as soon as I can. Again, I have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

Life Choices

Wow! A lot has transpired in a week! Pace and I have moved into our new home and I don't know who loves it more...us or the dogs. It is so much fun to watch Lucky run around the backyard with the sense of freedom and carelessness.

The house is coming along. I will post pics soon. The flooring is done, the painting is done, the unpacking is...NOT. This has been the hardest move for us for some reason. I think we are just putting more pride into where things are going, how things look than we did before in the rental homes. I don't know, I just can't explain it.

On the TTC side...we are just waiting. This is my first month without taking Progesterone to bring on AF. We will see if she shows or not. I would really prefer that she NOT show, and a positive pregnancy test show up instead. What an amazing Christmas present that would be! I can't even imagine.

There is a possible adoption thing in the works. I don't really want to divulge any details right now just because there is so many things that are unknown surrounding this situation and I don't know if Pace and I are even ready to move forward with that right now. We would be adopting a brother & sister combo - the mother does not want them separated. The girl is 9 and the boy is 10 months. Please just pray for us as we do some serious soul searching and praying to determine what the Lord has planned for these two children and Pace and I.

Thank you!

Home Ownership

I have officially owned a home for 2 and a half days and here is what I know so far...

1. Dealing with plumbing sucks. No matter how new the fixtures are...they will leak if you breathe on them incorrectly.

2. Garage doors can be a nightmare. Don't try to save money and scrimp on the garage door. Just replace the damn motor and be done with it already.

3. Very special people were placed on this earth just to caulk...I am not one of them.

4. My husband has many talents and abilities...woodworking is not one of them. This is where the caulking gun comes in.

5. People rarely follow through with what they say...especially in the service industry.

6. Pneumatic tools ROCK! I LOVE BRAD NAILERS!!!!!

7. Travertine floors are BEAUTIFUL!

Update...Update...Read all about it!!!

First of all...I know it has been WAY too long since I have blogged. I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging in suspense of my strep ridden tonsils!

Shortly after I healed from strep throat, we found THE house. The perfect house for Pace and I. So ever since then, we have been frantically running around like chickens with our heads cut off dealing with mortgage brokers, real estate agents, title companies, etc. We FINALLY closed today and I feel like I have a little bit of breathing room. We are so excited to finally have a place of our own. A place we can REALLY call home. We are going over to the house tonight to do a little bit of work, drink champagne and just soak in our new house.

Tomorrow the fun begins. The flooring guys will arrive at 8:00 am to start tearing out the hideous pink and blue tile from the house and start laying the beautiful new Travertine floors. That will take about a week and then the new carpet will go in. Right after the carpet is in, the painters will come in, put a fresh coat of paint on the place and bam....we can move our stuff in. It is going to be a crazy hectic next couple of weeks, but it is all worth it. The best part...it has a pool, so in the summer time, we can lounge in our very own swimming pool. Plus our pool can't be seen by any of our neighbors and there are no houses behind ours, so our backyard is totally private. (Except for big brother in outer space) :-)

As for the baby making thing....I have lost weight - almost 20 pounds. I am still taking the Progesterone to bring on my periods but this month is the last month for that, so we will see what my body does in December. I had a follow up appt. with the doc a couple of weeks ago and he said that my thyroid levels were absolutely perfect. They couldn't have asked for better results. He was very optimistic that my cycles would return on their own and we MAY be able to get pregnant within the next 6 months. I am not going to hold my breath and thankfully this new house thing is keeping me occupied and my mind off of babies. Well...except for the fact that I am going through the second phase of friends having kids. That's right folks...we made it through the first phase childless and now we are entering the second stage where the previous mentioned children are now at least 1 and their moms are pregnant with #2 now. Delightful.

Since the holidays are here, I am getting a break from the Women's Center which is a good and much needed thing. Although I love volunteering there, sometimes it is just more than I can handle. The last couple of weeks I have had many hard cases and I am just ready for some time off.

I was in a wedding last weekend. I was the bridesmaid for a girl I had never even met. Huh? you say??? Well, Pace and I are very good friends with her now husband (Jared) but Jared has been in the army for the last 2 years, so we hadn't been able to meet this girl (Tiffany) he had met while away at the army. They got engaged, she asked me to be in the wedding and let me tell you...it is GREAT to have GREAT friends! Tiffany is a wonderful person from a wonderful family. She lives in Texas and that is where the wedding was. I must say to all you Texans out there...You sure know how to be hospitable! I had such a great time in Texas, I was not ready to come back to AZ! Here is my shout out to Jared and Tiffany ... I love you guys and hope that you have a wonderful, healthy and long life together! Tiffany, it was so great to meet you and I really look forward to a wonderful friendship for the next 80 years or so!

That is my update for now everyone! Thank you all for continuing to check up on my blog even though I haven't blogged for so long!

Smooches!

Strep throat no more...

Yep..I am back amongst the living. Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am feeling MUCH better now and actually feel like I might live to see another day.

So...I have been on my new meds and my new diet for almost 3 weeks now. Guess what?....I have lost 8 lbs and one inch off my waste. I can't remember the last time I put on a pair of pants that USED to be tight on me and...they actually FIT!!! Now that I don't have strep throat anymore, I will be returning to the gym with Pace so hopefully the results will come even quicker from here on out.

I just really hope this works, that my cycles return to normal and we can actually have some hope at conceiving in 2008. I just can't imagine not being able to carry my own child in my womb.

Pace and I are actively looking for a house to buy now. We saw 5 houses on Saturday - only 2 remain on the "maybe" list. Neither one of them have just jumped out and grabbed me. Thankfully we have some time. We will begin the communication with our mortgage broker later on this week and then the real stress kicks in...Money talk!

Pace and I have been going to some marriage classes at our Church for the last month and yesterday the lesson was on confession and forgiveness. I think it is really what I needed to hear. Through this whole infertility mess, I have been hurt so many times by friends, family members etc. Sometimes I spoke up, sometimes I just let it slide, never the less, I was still hurt and I still carry that hurt with me. I am really feeling the need to forgive my friend (whom I haven't spoken to in almost a year) that totally crushed me, was totally unsupportive, insensitive and blatantly mean to me. I don't know if we could ever be friends again, but I know that I need to forgive her. I need to get rid of that emotional junk so that I can be healthy.

Anyway...that is my update for now. I hope you all are doing well!

I'm pissed

More than pissed, I am in pain and at the end of my rope. I have strep throat. The only time I have left my house since Monday was yesterday to go to the dr. My tonsils are so swollen, sometimes it is hard to breathe and they FRICKING HURT!!! I don't know if any of you have ever had strep throat before, but I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I feel broken and totally defeated. I am frustrated and so sick of this pain. The closest thing to solid food I have eaten since Monday was a muffin and a piece of chicken, both of which made me want to cry with pain. Even drinking water makes me wince with pain.

On top of all that this just happens to be the week that Pace is scheduled to work nights. So I have been here all alone during the night which is the most difficult time for me, and then he has slep all day while I am up watching crap on tv.

When I went to the doc he gave me a prescription for 800 mg of Ibuprofen he said to start on that and see what it does for the pain. Uh.....NOTHING! He also gave me a prescription for Oxycodone if the Ibuprofen didn't work. I have NEVER taken a prescription pain killer before. I have never taken a narcotic like Oxycodone and it kind of scared me, so I talked myself out of filling it. Now, I am kicking myself in the a$$ for not filling it cause I am in SO MUCH PAIN.

I just had to vent, I had to get this off of my chest, I just had to let you all know where the hell I am right now and what I am going through.

Insulin Resistance

Well...I am insulin resistant, pre-diabetic, and have a sluggish thyroid.

That is what the dr. said today. So...I am back on icky nasty Metformin, on thyroid medication and estrogen to induce my periods. I am excited to look to the day when I will actually have a period on my own. With no drugs, not shot, just a real, natural period.

Another great thing about this plan is that I should lose weight hopefully a lot of weight. Apparently my body doesn't process breads and sugars properly. I end up having a huge surge of insulin which my body doesn't use, it ends up storing it as fat around my tummy. So, by eliminating carbs and going to the gym, I may actually see some results.

The dr. I saw was WONDERFUL!!! He made me feel so at ease and really made me feel positive about our future. There are absolutely no guarantees...we still don't know what damage has been done to my eggs at this point. We don't even know if this will restore my periods, but at least it is a step in the right direction. And...it cost MUCH less than an IUI cycle.

So that is my update for now.

A little overwhelmed...

So...the vacation was wonderful. The weather was gorgeous, nice and cool - warm in the afternoon, cool in the morning and evening. The company was even better. I met a couple of Pace's aunts that I had never met before. They were lovely. They were warm and welcoming, we spent time with his Nana, his grandma and most of all, his (our) nieces. We have not seen them since our wedding 2 and a half years ago and I can't believe how big they have gotten. They are beautiful girls with so much love to give! They absolutely love uncle Pace! We took them shopping and bought them both He.ely's. (The shoes with a wheel in the heel) It was so fun! They were the first things we bought and the rest of our time with the girls was spent trying to teach them how to use them!

On a different note...I have met someone...haha - don't freak out. I mean I have met someone else in real life that is suffering from infertility. Well...she is fertile, but she suffers from Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. We were brought together through the Women's Center I volunteer at and she just so happened to open up to me that she was currently going through her third miscarriage. I feel like I have been friends with this woman for years and I have never even met her in person yet. We plan on getting together soon for dinner or something, but I am just ecstatic that I have found someone that lives within blocks of me that I can talk to and that will sympathize with where I am at.

I had my bloodwork done last week. It was a defining moment - it was a clear, distinct reminder that my body is broken, it is dysfunctional and malfunctioning. It also made me remember that Pace and I have been trying to start our family for over two and a half years. It all just hit home very quickly and brought me right back to that bitter pissed off Nichole I left behind a couple of months ago when we went on a TTC break. It makes me wonder if that will ever go away.

On a dramatic note...I told my roommate (our foreign exchange student) that she needed to find new living arrangements. I gave her until the end of the month. I just reached my breaking point and I just can't have someone in my house that doesn't respect my house or my husband. Pace and I both tried to talk to her tonight about her constantly rude disrespectful behavior and she had the audacity to tell Pace "why do I have to follow your rules?" and constantly interrupting him while he was talking. That is when I lost it. I told her that the conversation was over, if she couldn't respect my house and my husband then she needed to live somewhere else. I explained to her that I was tired of her behavior and was not going to put up with it anymore.

It is a bittersweet move. I really wanted it to work with her and I really wanted to be able to help her while she was in college here, but I just can't take the tension she brings to my house.

So...life is crazy, still, again...whatever. It is just dramatic. But, it is mine.

Life Is Crazy!

So life is just absolutely crazy right now. Work is probably the most peaceful place for me to be and that says a lot cause work is STRESSFUL!!! Our foreign exchange student is back and just as I expected...it is NOT working. ALREADY! Pace is pissed off all the time, I am not sure I remember the last time he and I just sat back and had fun together. It seems it is all business lately. Home buying, exchange students, work, finances, family yada yada yada.
It is absolutely DRAINING! I mean how much serious stuff can you take before you just crack?

Pace and I are going on vacation this weekend. I can't wait. I am so sick of the heat here. We broke the record number of days over 110 today. What a freakin record! Yep...29 days so far this year with temperatures over 110. GRrrrrr. I just want it to be cool outside, and this weekend, I will at least be able to get a taste of that. We are going to Salt Lake City to see Pace's family. Family that we have not seen in almost 3 years. It will be a good trip. I love staying in hotels...sadly that is the part I am looking forward to the most.

We have been looking at homes. The market here has been nuts for the last couple of years, so right now we are just kind of taking our time, looking at different houses trying to get a feel for what we are looking for, where we want to live and how much we want to spend. I am excited yet a little scared about buying a house. Not only for the financial obligation, but for what it means to our future. I mean we have been saying for the last couple of months that once we buy a house, we will get back to the Dr. and start TTC treatments again. Just the thought of it makes me shutter.
I think about infertility every day, but it doesn't control everything I do. There was a time when we were in the middle of IUI cycles when every single thought I had revolved around TTC. It took me so long to get out of that mentality and frankly, I am scared to start TTC (with treatment) again because I don't want to lose myself to it again. I don't want to become the monster I was. Granted...I still have monster days when seeing a pregnant women, a cute little family walking into a restaurant, or a dad playing catch with his son makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I just can't help it.

We are back in church and dealing all the time with our faith and infertility, and I am learning more and more about myself all the time.

I have been deeply saddened the last couple of weeks as one of my blogger and myspace friends Lara as well as one of my in real life friends are both healing from very sudden and recent miscarriages. Please keep these women in your prayers and ask for peace, and healing for them.

I will post some pics of our vacation when I get back! Have a great Labor Day weekend and I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately...LIFE IS CRAZY!!!

Conversation

I came down with a nasty head cold this week. I am finally feeling a little better today, but I am just really irritable. About what you ask? Everything.

There is something to say about conversation. The way it affects people. And by conversation, I don't mean the new fangled ways of communicating via text, IM, blogs, and chat rooms. I mean true conversation with tone and quality of voice, with pauses and laughs. True conversation. I really miss having a girl friend that I could have conversation with. In college my roommate and I would converse about EVERYTHING! We weren't really good friends, but we were great at conversation. When I moved to AZ, I had a friend "B" that I could have conversation with. She was the type of person that I could pick up a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, go over to her house and stay up until dawn conversing. We have since grown apart, and I have never been able to fill that void.

I feel as if that lack of conversation is just draining me. Or maybe it is filling me, there are so many things I need to get out, but I don't, so I am just filling up with all of the things I want to say, but don't.

There are just some things you can't talk to your husband about. I am tired of talking to him about our infertility because I just don't feel like we are on the same page. When I talk to him about it, I feel like a burden and like I am being completely overly sensitive to the subject. He doesn't make me feel this way, I do. Pace can let thing just roll right off of his back, nothing gets him down, he is almost always in a good mood, and although our infertility is hard for him, it doesn't throw him into the pit of depression that it does me. So I hate to go on and on and on about it.

I guess I just miss having someone I can talk to that will let me cry on their shoulder and not try to tell me how to "fix" things, just sit there and say "Damn Nichole, that really sucks" So many fertile people out there know how to cure my infertility. It kills me sometimes, to the point, I just hate talking about it. I hate talking to my sisters about it especially, and my co-worker "D". IMPOSSIBLE! I love "D", she is probably my best female friend right now, but I just can't talk to her about infertility. She has absolutely no sensitivity to the subject and I am so tired of her stupid comments which she means to be helpful.

On a lighter note, Pace and I have started the hunt for our house. Right now, the market is so crazy here, we are just taking it slow and hoping that house prices will continue to drop. We will get pre-qualified probably in September or October and then start making some offers! I am so excited to have a home to call our own. It is a little stressful, but we are ready!

**Dreamer4Agift - THANK YOU! Thank you for your kind comments and for checking up on me! Keep the prayers comin! I can use them**

Well, I kind of feel like I am back in the saddle again. At least partly. I made an appointment with a hormone specialist. I am not sure if any of you have heard of Sot.to Pel.le, but that is where I am going to go. Since my issues are hormonal, I have decided to do what I can do to get them regulated. Who knows...maybe then I would actually be able to conceive! (or at least lose weight)

Sot.to Pel.le uses bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. They are all natural and are the identical to the actual hormones the body produces (or in my case doesn't produce). I am excited to at least have something to look forward to. I don't feel like I am just wasting time anymore which is a good feeling.

My greatest fear happened this week (well, kind of) I am the youngest of six. All of my brothers and sisters have already had all the children they plan on having. All of them have two children, except for my oldest brother who has three. My sister K, the one that is just older than me has two kids currently, but I always had a sneaky suspicion that she was going to have more.

She had her first daughter before I was even married, so that wasn't a big deal. She got pregnant with her second 3 months after my wedding (Pace and I had been trying for 3 months) I handled it ok - after all, I pretty much knew it was going to take us longer than 3 months to get pg, so it was no big deal. But now this baby has been born, is over a year old and my sister told me on Monday that they are going to try again next year. (Of course she then followed up by saying, well that is when we PLAN on it, but since the first 2 were UNPLANNED, we will just see what happens) *Insert gagging noise here*

I love my sister dearly. She and I have been through so much together and I wish for nothing but the best for her. However, I am absolutely certain that I will be DEVASTATED if she gets pregnant AGAIN while Pace and I are still trying for #1. This is the same sister that offered her eggs to me should we need them - an innocent and very sweet offer, but also kind of a slap in the face. My anxiety surrounding this conversation is growing every day. It makes me feel like I need to do something NOW! I need to start trying again NOW and do everything I can to get pregnant before her. That way I won't have to feel the hurt and jealousy when she makes her pregnancy announcement.

However...I can't do anything. We have decided to wait until next year. I have to wait at LEAST seven more months. I am starting to have dreams of her pregnancy announcement and the initial hate and anger I will feel. I don't WANT to feel this way for my sister, I want to be happy. I WANT to want to throw her a shower I want to be there for her.

Honestly...I am sure she is a little hesitant to get pregnant before me. I am sure she knows how hard it would be for me.

Pace has been working out of state quite a bit lately. I have taken this opportunity to gorge myself on Pizza Rolls every night for dinner. Very healthy - I know. I am all for the "time apart makes the time together more special" theory, however... I MISS MY HUSBAND! I have absolutely no idea how you military wives handle it - you are SO STRONG and my hat is off to you! My sister, R's husband is the special teams coach for a professional football team, and she is a widow 10 months out of the year - I have no idea how she does it, she must have some wonderful friends or something. I just hate being alone. It makes me think too much. My husband makes me laugh, and makes me feel good, and safe. I miss that. Although I am appreciating the undivided attention from my pooches! Haha

Update on Little Miss Negative (pun intended)

I can't believe it has been almost three weeks since I have blogged. I don't have any good excuses, I just haven't felt like blogging.
Lucky for you all that still read this, I mainly feel like writing when I am in a crappy mood. So...you all get to see the lovely side of me all the time.

Everything just sucks right now. Work is so hard and busy right now cause we have new owners and it has just been a nightmare. I am constantly busy (also a reason for me not blogging as much), the new owners know NOTHING about the business and I am just tired of always having to carry such a heavy load at work.

Pace and I have decided to wait until next spring to start trying to conceive again. I am devastated. Logically, I know it makes the most sense, after all, we are buying a house in December or January and trying to conceive while trying to buy our first home may just put me over the edge. But at the same time, It just breaks my heart. I no longer belong to any group. I am not in the "trying to conceive" group, I am not in the "IVF" group, in the "2WW", in the "adoption" group....nothing. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I had a dream this morning that for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and IMMEDIATELY it came up POSITIVE! I peed on another test and yelled for Pace to come into the room. He looked at it and hugged me, we hugged and we cried and then immediately started calling our families. It was everything I had ever imagined, but will most likely never experience. Even if we do get pregnant, it will so be so planned, and I will know almost immediately with BETA tests and everything else. So when I woke up this morning, I had to try to rebound from the utter devastation while still half asleep. I am not sure what brought on the dream, I had been doing so well, I can't even remember the last time I had a "baby" dream. IT SUCKED!

One of my very dear friends and his son are moving away from us. He and I went to High School together and hadn't spoken in about 6 years when we found each other again on Myspace and realized he lived in only 20 minutes away from me! Talk about crazy! So for the last year and a half, we have really become close. His son calls Pace's little sister HIS little sister. It is so cute! They have just become a part of our family and now I am so sad that they are leaving. They are moving only like 5 or 6 hours away...but still. It is rare that I am ever 30 minutes away from home, let alone 5 or 6 hours!

My responsibilities at the women's center are really kicking my butt as well. I told the Exec. Director months ago, that I really wanted to cut back on my counseling hours because it is too hard for me to counsel women facing unplanned pregnancies, women who are wanting abortions etc., well...my counseling hours have NOT been cut back and have actually just increased because she has been ill. I know that my services there are much needed and that I have obligated myself to be there, but it is just becoming too much. I already work 50 hours a week at my job, then I am at the womens center every Tuesday evening counseling. I get phone calls every day either when I am at work or when I am at home, I get 5-10 emails every day and things are ALWAYS in a constant state of change there which makes training (which is what I am supposed to be in charge of) VERY difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out there.

Pace and I have started going back to church thanks to my dear friend Grace and her husband. I am so glad to be back. I cry every Sunday, without fail, but for some reason, it helps. I am still angry with God, I don't know when I will get over that, but at least I am at a point where I can tell him that I am angry with him. I am at least communicating with him at this point.

I am just in a very tough season right now. I feel very lost, and feel like my mind and my heart are just full of turmoil. I just want to go to some distant island and stay there until next spring.

I am still going to the gym and LOVING it! For the first time in my life I am actually enjoying working out! - See...there is a positive thing. I am not completely Little Miss Negative!

Aren't you glad I started writing again? You all missed my depressing antics didn't you?

Life update

This week, I have found multiple topics of conversation and things that I would like to share with all of you out here in blogger world with me, so here we go!

Exercising

Pace bought me a gym membership for my birthday (don't try to cyber-smack him...that is what I ASKED for for my birthday) and last night was the first time I ventured in. I have always been afraid of the gym. Not because it would become a clear reality how out of shape I was, not because I would have to work out next to Barbie (ok...that had a little to do with it) but mostly because of my social anxiety. My fear of being in public with a large group of strangers.

So last night I conquered that fear and I walked into the gym with my head held high and my stomach in my throat. It really was not as bad as I thought! It was actually fun, and I actually look forward to going tomorrow. I am sore in places I never paid much attention to, but it feels great!

Boating

That's right folks...boating...and swimming...in wild water. If you followed my past link "social anxiety" you already know that I am terrified of the water. I learned to swim only about 6 years ago, and still don't care to be in water so deep that my feet don't touch the ground. However, another fear conquered this week! Pace and I went out on a boat with my co-worker and her husband this week and I JUMPED IN THE WATER....AND SWAM!!! I know...I can hardly believe it too, but it was really nice! Being out on the water, on the jet boat, it really was a lot of fun and I really look forward to doing it again.

Work

All I can say is CHANGE SUCKS! My company (of which I have helped build over the last 6.5 years) was sold last week to a new guy. And when I say new guy...I mean NEW. He knows nothing about the service we provide (flood and fire damage restoration) he doesn't know how to work with Quick.books, he doesn't even know how to check his email, but I am working for HIM! Grrrrr! It is so frustrating. Meanwhile, my previous (pretty cool) bosses are out spending their millions while I am pining away with the old man who doesn't know a damn thing about what I do all day.

Infertility

You didn't think I would leave THAT out now did you??? Pace and I talked a little bit about our future and having children. He would like to try IVF before we try adoption and he wants to wait until spring of next year. We are buying a house in Dec. or Jan. and he wants to get moved in before we start up again.

Now...this really struck me and made me realize how much infertility really changes a person. I am a fairly logical person. I think decisions through...almost to a fault. I am rarely spontaneous (it takes a couple fruity drinks to get me to be spontaneous), I think I am intelligent and a well rounded person. Pace is also well rounded and intelligent, but he is also very spontaneous, he likes to "fly by the seat of his pants" he doesn't always think decisions through, but that is ok. We compliment each other well and we make it work beautifully.

But during this discussion I realized that when it comes to infertility, our roles are reversed. I am being completely illogical, not making much sense, not making wise decisions and being a total emotional wreck. Pace on the other hand is cool as a cucumber. When we talk about infertility decisions, he is very matter of fact and has really given these decisions a lot of thought. He has thought through the end of the year, the buying of a house, the whole nine yards, and all I can think about are babies.

I surprise myself sometimes...sometimes I don't know who I am anymore....

working out...

boating...

swimming...

new hair color...

tattoos...

Very unlike me.

Yep.

I have lost the old me.

THE VIDEO

I found this video on a couple of fellow blogger's blogs and I have to tell you, I haven't felt this true, raw emotion for such a long time. It made me realize just how much I mask my feelings about infertility.

So...here it is. The Video! I hope it helps fellow infertiles relate and I hope it helps fertiles understand why we hurt so much!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Birthday Blues

This week has been a tough one. (and it isn't even over yet)

First of all, I had a birthday. I remember when birthdays were fun, when you actually looked forward to them. The last two birthdays have just been painful reminders of one more birthday without kids. One more year to add onto the Trying To Conceive marathon. One more year of failed treatments. All three of my sisters waited until they were 27 or 28 to have kids so they think I am a little crazy for trying so soon in my life. They think 27 is the magical number to have kids. Maybe. For them. But when they wanted to have kids, they just tried for a couple of months and then poof! They were pregnant. Not so for me. I am so scared that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am 28 and the "magical" year for having kids has past me by. Meanwhile, my sisters continue to have children and totally lap me AGAIN on the baby making track.

*Although I MUST say that my husband has been AWESOME to me this birthday! He has really pampered me and totally spoiled me rotten! (I LOVE IT!)

Secondly, I received a call from my mom yesterday to let me know that my aunt was put in a home and is on Hospice care right now. They aren't expecting her to make it through the end of the week. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. That is it. She had no clue she had cancer until about 4 or 5 weeks ago. That is all the warning she (we) had. She tried to fight in the beginning and we thought she was going to beat this, but then last week she got VERY ill and has been in the hospital since. She doesn't know where she is and is very confused. She told my brother that she is just ready to give up. She is in too much pain to keep trying.

This is the same woman who (other than giving birth to her kids) has NEVER been in the hospital. She was the care taker of the family and was such a firecracker! It has been a devastating blow to my family and especially my father. He loves his sister so much!

Thirdly, Pace and I are throwing a birthday party for his little sister. She just turned 2, so we spent the majority of yesterday shopping for her gifts, party treats, birthday cake, Dora The Explorer hats, plates, napkins, banners, etc. I purposely avoid the baby section of any store, but I couldn't avoid it yesterday. We shopped for little girl toys, little girl clothes...it was heartbreaking.

I thought I had been doing so well recently, but yesterday really just set me back. I know that I will be fine on Saturday cause I absolutely love Pace's little sister and it is going to bring me such joy to throw her a birthday party, it is just the planning and shopping that is getting to me.

You know that little voice that says "You should be doing this for your own kid, if you had gotten pregnant when you first started trying you would be planning YOUR child's second birthday"? Well, that damn voice just won't go away. I am hoping that a stiff drink tonight will at least drown her a little bit.

Stolen

I used to write poetry. I used to write A LOT of poetry. My deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings I have poured out onto paper so many times. However, for some reason, I have not been able to write a poem about my infertility. I attempted to write one poem (which is on this blog) but it was more about my best friend that I lost because of infertility rather than about infertility itself...So, when I met this online friend of mine I instantly felt a connection with her as she has true passion (and an amazing ability) to write poetry. She received some very bad news today. She found out that she will never be able to carry her husband's child, no amount of medical intervention will ever make that dream a reality for her.
My heart aches for her and I am just so sad for her. I wanted to share this poem that she wrote because it truly spells out the dark reality of infertility.

Stolen

By Sarah A******

I'll never check the calendar smiling, thinking "hey I may be late".

I'll never suprise our parents with the news of their "grandparent" fate.

You've stolen all the joy that making a child is supposed to bring.

You've taken a beautiful moment and turned it into an ugly thing.

I'll never once experience the thrill of the three minute wait.

It's more like a tortured time, when one minute feels like eight.

I'll see there is no line and once again we'll have no child.

I'm bitter, angry and confused and that's to put it mild.

I had visions of telling my husband, a Dad you're soon to be.

To see the look upon his face, his hands on my belly.

We'll never argue over names or the colors for the room.

We'll never giggle over the little kicks that are coming from my womb.

You've taken from me a joy that I'll never get to know.

You've stolen what was rightfully mine, striking a sinking blow.

Why does this happen to me, to my love and to our life?

I didn't see this coming, "mother" belongs right after "wife".

Infertility is the thief that snuck into our lives.

Infertility steals the child from the husbands and the wives.

Infertilty should be a crime but the punishment is not it's own.

It belongs to the couples who suffer, whose child does not come home.

Pics from our trip

I took 144 pictures on our trip!!! Needless to say, I will only post a few of my favs. Hope you all enjoy.




This is a pic of the sign in front of my parents farm - all of us kids bought this for our parents for Christmas a few years ago.
















This is a pic of me and my oldest Nephew. He just graduated from High School (This is after a LONG day in the field, please excuse how tired we both look)









This is my handsome hubby on the combine. This was his first harvest!

This is me in the wheat field (of course holding a piece of wheat)

Dorothy has returned from OZ

I am back from Kansas and I had a WONDERFUL time! This was the most enjoyable trip back home that I can remember. It was great seeing all of my brothers and sisters and my nieces and nephews. I just had a ball.

I was able to sit back and enjoy the slower pace of life. The country life. I miss it so much. I don't know if I would ever want to move back there, but I definately want to move to the outskirts. Out of the hussle and bustle. Somewhere where I can walk out my back door and not stare at a brick wall and the top of my neighbors house. I want to move to a place where people don't hide behind the fences in their backyard and where they actually know their neighbors.

So many things happened on this trip, it is hard to include it all in one blog entry. We flew into Denver, CO and then drove 6 hours to my parents farm. Driving through the country brought back so many memories from my childhood. I had no idea how much I missed that part of the country until I got there. People say hi to you when you walk past them. They say excuse me when they bump into you. They wave at you when they drive past you (and not the middle finger wave either) It is just a completely different way of life there.

The farm that my parents live on has been in my family for 3 generations now. My grandparents built it and raised each of their kids in it. My dad is the youngest, so when he got old enough, he bought the house from my grandparents and raised all 6 of us in it. And it is still there, it will always be home, no matter what. I took some pics that I will post when I have time to actually download my camera.

Being around my sisters and all of my nieces and nephews relit that "must have a baby" flame in me. It made me a little sad actually to hear my sister say "well when I am done having kids I...." I so wish I could just plan to have a kid and then bam! Have a kid. What it would be like to be able to know exactly how far apart your kids will be in age and be able to plan your life around when you want to have kids.

I am not as bitter about it now though, which is nice. I think I have found a little bit of peace as I research all of our options and try to figure out what the heck we are going to do.
We are researching IVF in Europe, Africa and the U.S. We are also looking into adoption. I am waiting for a call back from our Dr. to let me know when the next IVF orientation is. I just feel like I need to be doing something, cause doing nothing is just wasting time. Valuable time that we just don't have.

I will try to write more this weekend and also post some pics from our trip!

Epiphanies, smileys and needs.

I want to start off by sincerely thanking Serenity for her post today. It really helped me put into perspective what I have been trying to say for so long but haven't been able to.

I have often wondered why Infertility has changed every aspect of my life. Why I have lost so many friends because of it, why I feel like a completely different person now than I was 2 and a half years ago. Here it is:

I am hurt, more hurt than I have ever been in my entire life but I am stuck in some sick, twisted game of "pretend"
Most of the time I put on my happy face and pretend like I am just fine. Nothing is bothering me. I am strong. I won't let infertility bring me down. The problem with that is it is very dishonest and unhealthy. There is no level of my being that is "ok" with my infertility. I can't wrap my head around the fact that my body is broken. Don't tell me it isn't broken, cause it is just that. Broken.
I would consider myself a fairly intelligent individual. I am intelligent enough to know that my friends do not want to see my "real" feelings and emotions about infertility all of the time. It is uncomfortable and even the ones that have stuck by me so far have probably had their moments of "I really wish we could talk about something else." They are completely entitled to that.
So...I pretend when they are around and then fall apart when they leave. Leaving my husband to pick up my pieces.
It is kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If I show my true feelings and emotions about infertility, I lose friends, make people uncomfortable, and ultimately alienate myself from almost everyone I know in real life.
If I pretend to be ok, I am lying to myself, shaming myself and not handling the situation in a very healthy manner.

There has to be some sort of happy medium right? I mean GOOD friends are supposed to be there for me when I am down. But at what point do friends get a "clearance" card to back away and not feel bad about it because they just can't handle being around me (and my infertility) anymore?



On a lighter note I am feeling smiley happy and Kate tagged everyone to play this little game...so here is my Google results with smileys to make it a little more fun:

Nichole needs: all the prayer she can get (yeah no kidding. Is that the Lord telling me something or what?

Nichole needs: to get hooked on some Twinkies (that is the LAST thing I need to do!)

Nichole needs: to get over to Flckr and start posting some random pictures.

Nichole needs: to gain some weight ( I assume they are most definately talking about Nicole Richie and NOT ME!)

Nichole needs: a loving family that can be patient with her


Nichole needs: a spanking! (I SWEAR google said this. I did NOT make this up, although not a bad idea!)

Nichole needs: more help than any of us! (Hmmm you may have a point there)

Nichole needs: to maintain contact with her younger sister.

Nichole needs: to get outta the house

Nichole needs: to RIP (mmmm gonna leave that one alone.





Hope you enjoyed my "needs" Have a great one!

Vacation Time!

Only a few more days and I will be in Kansas with my family. I am thrilled! My parents are farmers and this is the first time Pace will have been able to be a part of wheat harvest. He has never been involved with anything like this before and I can't wait to see what he thinks of life on the farm.



Going home is a great vacation. It is wonderful to get away from home, but it is always wonderful to go back. I have a lot of history there. My parents raised all 6 of us kids in the same house my Grandparents built and raised my father and his brothers and sisters. You just don't find that kind of history in a house very often anymore.



Plus, I get to travel with my sister, my niece and nephew. My niece and I (she is 13) have become increasingly close over the last couple of years. It is an awesome experience to know that I am somebody she can come talk to/hang out with. I can't wait to see all of my other nieces and nephews. I haven't seen them since Christmas, and I won't see them this coming Christmas, so it will be a while before I am able to see them all again.



On the baby front, I am having a pretty good week actually. I have made myself take the time to appreciate the fact that we don't have kids right now. I think Pace and I are going to do more traveling. Take more trips do things now that we won't be able to do when we have kids. I suppose it is just a way to "make it ok" for now. There is nothing we can do right now on the baby front, so we are just going to make the best of what we have gotten.



Over the weekend, Pace and I caught wind that some very dear friends of his have been speaking unkindly behind our back about the whole infertility stuff. I don't have details on exactly what was said, and I didn't hear them say it first hand, but it hurts nonetheless. I have no doubt that these people begrudge us for our decision to have kids right now. They don't understand, and the fact is, they never will. Most of our friends already have kids or don't ever want to have kids, so their perspective is much different than Pace and I's.



It is saddening to see our "friend circle" diminish quickly before our eyes, but at the same time, it is uplifting and a relief. I have come to a very clear understanding recently that it is not about the quantity of friends you have but the quality of those you do have. So I am completely ok with not having many friends, as long as those that I do have are QUALITY friends.



I am not sure if friendships were harder as a teenager, or as an adult...but right now they are proving to be very difficult. It seems that the good friends I do have are either moving out of state or 30 years older than Pace and I. (which is not a bad thing, but we just don't always have that much in common with them)



On a lighter note...here are the hair pictures I promised. I think I really like being a brunette. I have always been a blonde, and my family hasn't seen me with brown hair, so it will be interesting to see what they think this weekend.

Snarky Poo Smearing

I went on a women's retreat this weekend. Ok. It was actually a lot of working and not so much "retreating" It was nice being out with women, but exhausting as well. I really missed Pace. He is my best friend and he knows me on a level that no one else does. When I am not around him, I miss him terribly!

Yesterday we had my mother in law, (and sister in law), our friend James and his son over for a BBQ and some swimming. It was really fun. I actually got in the water with the kids and really enjoyed myself. I was the "retreat" I had been looking forward too all weekend.

I love my mother in law. Really I do. But if I have to sit and listen to her complain about how tough it is being a mom and how little patience she has with her daughter, and how her daughter is driving her absolutely crazy, I think I am going to have to throw up. I know that parenting is hard, especially single parenting and I really do admire all the sacrifices she has made for her daughter, but I really get tired of hearing all of the complaining. I got a little snarky with her yesterday which I should probably apologize for, but I really don't feel too convicted by it. She asked for it. She was talking to my husband and she made the comment "You have no idea about parenting, you don't know about kids." To which I replied quite snarkily "You know what honey, she is right, we know nothing. Maybe someday we will have a clue, but right now we are complete idiots when it comes to kids." She apologized for her comment.

I know, a little overboard, but you just have to understand the relationship dynamics and the family structure. She was not at all trying to be rude, but I wanted to make it a point that I did not appreciate her comment. I think I accomplished that.

We are losing more friends due to IF. To be honest with you. I don't give a shit. I am so sick and tired of reaching out to people, helping them out when they need help, letting them live with us for free and then when we need them the most, they smear poop in our face. I don't like poop in my face. Yet, since I was a young girl, I have consistently allowed people to smear poop in my face. Not anymore. It really is quite simple. You smear poop in my face...you choose to be Eighty-sixed from my life. Period. I don't have time for your poo.

One more reason for me wanting to move out of state. I just want to start over in a place where we know absolutely nobody. People here suck. Smug-fertiles suck. Infertility sucks. and my attitude sucks.

New Hairdos and Tattoos

I guess you could call this a "pre" mid-life crisis cause I know myself well enough to know that the "BIG" mid-life crisis is looming in the distance ready to pounce.

Last night I had my hair done. I went brown ladies and gentlemen. I am a blonde by nature, but you know what...I just needed a change. So I am now a brunette with thick blond highlights. (I will post a picture soon, but I have to download my camera first) I love my new hairstyle. I have only been a brunette once before and that was in high school. I got a lot of compliments on it in high school, in fact, I am not sure why I ever went back to blonde. All well.

The second part of my "pre" mid life crisis is that I am contemplating a tattoo. Honestly, I have never been real fond of tattoos. I like them on other people, just not me. Well...maybe it is the anger and bitterness from infertility, but I feel it is time to get some ink.

I would love to have your opinion and input on what kind of tatoo to get. I definately want it to be based around infertility. Here are some ideas I have

*Lotus flower
*Dragonfly
*Goddess (Demeter)
*Kokopelli
*Turtle
*Rabbit**I really like the rabbit idea because that is my nickname from Pace too (long before we found out I have very few similarities to the rabbit) so I thought it would be cute, but I haven't found very many good pics of rabbits that I would want permanatly attached to my body.

So...I was thinking this. picture it. Nichole's lower back. 2007. A lily pad floating in crystal blue water with a beautiful sensual pixie sitting on it with a lotus flower holding her luxurious locks of hair out of her face. She holds a tiny rabbit in her hand and a dragonfly buzzes closely by.

Just a thought.

My family (mothers side) is Cherokee Indian, so I thought I would use a Cherokee fertility symbol, but again, I just haven't found anything I want to permanately attach to my body.

Please give me any suggestions you can think of. Pics, websites, etc.

I won't be blogging this weekend as I will be on a retreat for the Women's center I am a volunteer counselor at. I will be holding myself up in a posh Scottsdale resort all weekend.
Woo Woo!

Funky Monkey

There is no better way to describe my mood lately. Just. Funky.

I woke up Saturday morning a total basket case. Poor Pace. I don't know how he does it sometimes. He asked me to go to the bank to cash a check before the bank closed and I literally started bawling. Not just teared up...bawling. Sobbing. Snot all over my face. Gasping for air. (I'll show him, I bet he never asks me to go to the bank again) What the hell is wrong with me?

I guess I just felt totally and completely overwhelmed to the point where a simple, routine trip to the bank just sent me over the dang edge.

My mother in law has a two year old daughter. This pregnancy was not planned and was definitely a surprise to her, but I commend her for everything she does for her daughter. Most of the time, the fact that my 45 year old mother in law can accidently get pregnant doesn't bother me, but since my last failed cycle, it has been a very jagged pill for me to swallow. Let's face it...it is hard for me to be around anyone that is pregnant...planned or unplanned and is also hard for me to be around young children...planned or unplanned. This weekend I decided I wanted to spend some time with my little sister in law. What a mistake. Not a mistake as in I didn't enjoy myself, not a mistake as in I regret spending time with her. In fact, just the opposite. Spending time with her this weekend made me want my own biological children that much more!

I had been doing a fairly good job of convincing myself that a life without kids was much better than a life with kids. No poopy diapers, not having to find a babysitter, less expensive, more money to spend on toys, less responsibility, more room in the house, less expensive, less stressful, no sleepless nights, no temper tantrums, less expensive (can you tell I am a little obsessed with finances). Then I spent a day with my little two year old sister in law and all of that hard work and convincing was just washed away.

I totally fell in love and that void and sense of loss and anger came rushing back to me. The hugs she gave me, the kisses, the new words she is learning, her "help" dusting and folding clothes, the way she loves on my dogs, the singing songs in the car, the way she dances, the way her face lights up in the bathtub, all of those things and much more reminded me of how much I wanted one of my own. She reminded me of my failures, my insecurities, and my inability to procreate. Damn it!

After all of that (and some funky stomach bug accompanied by a fever) this weekend, I force myself out of bed this morning to go to work. At first I was very excited. The sky was overcast. It was only supposed to get up into the 90's today, good chance for some rain, the day was actually looking halfway decent.
I walk out my front door, the birds are chirping, the bees are peacefully buzzing around my yard, the lizards are happily scampering through the landscaping and then...
there she was...
...
...
Mrs. Eight months pregnant
...
walking right in front of my house
...
I tried to look away
...
I tried to ignore her
...
But then...
...
she said "Hello, good morning." in the sweetest, most sincere voice.
...
To which I wanted to reply with a rant of four letter, colorful obscenities and questions like "Why must you torture me? Can't you walk in front of my house AFTER I have left for work?
"Why must you be so nice and clearly make your presence known to me? Tons of people walk by my house every day to exercise, walk their dogs or take their kids on a bike ride....THEY don't talk to me. They don't even acknowledge my existence. Why can't you be like them. Ignore me. Pretend I am not here! Please I am begging you to STOP TORTURING ME!"
...
But I didn't. I simply said good morning, got in my car and cried for 10 minutes before pulling out of my driveway.
...
I finally manage to get to work and I am sharing my "funky stomach bug" symptoms with my friend (and co-worker - she knows EVERYTHING about our infertility) to which she replies "Oh...well did you take a pregnancy test? Cause that is exactly how I felt when I got pg."
...
To which I wanted to reply
"Thanks" I feel much better now. Please excuse me while I go cut myself."**




**Disclaimer: I do not cut myself. My use of the term was just a lame attempt at bitter sarcasm. Cutting is a very serious issue and if you or anyone you know are "cutters" please seek help (or have them seek help) immediately!

June...empty, yet uplifting

It has been strikingly odd the past couple of days. I haven't worried about when I need to start my meds, when (if) my period is going to start, what cycle day I am on, if we have enough money to do another cycle. Nothing. It is actually an empty yet uplifting experience.

I kept myself busy this weekend so I didn't have to think about my infertility and our upcoming decisions. (To the best of my ability anyway...I will explain more in a sec.) Saturday morning Pace and I went to the women's center where I volunteer and did some physical labor (Pace did most of the physical labor, I supervised) Then we had dinner with his mom, watched a movie and went to bed. We got up this morning, changed the oil in my car, cleaned and vacuumed the inside, same with Pace's truck, organized all of the papers (crap) in our office, did laundry, went to dinner and then to the movies.

While sitting at dinner, there was a young girl (roughly 22 or 23) with an infant. Maybe two or three weeks old. Broke my heart. Here she was enjoying an outing and I was angry about it. Then I got angry at myself for being angry about it.

I remember the good 'ole days when I saw a baby and smiled. I remember seeing a pregnant woman and thinking to myself how cute she looked with her baby belly and smiling at her. I remember walking down the baby isle in every store I went to in order to get ideas for my future children and having so much hope and joy in my heart. I remember anxiously awaiting the phone call from my sister to tell me that her and her husband were expecting. I remember the day when I couldn't wait for my friends to have babies so I could throw them baby showers, enjoy the pregnancy with her, buy things for her baby, babysit for her.

Now all I feel is...anger and sadness. I cringe when I have to go in public, I get angry at pregnant women, I cry when I see babies, I take every route possible at the store to avoid the baby isle, my heart stops briefly when my sister calls and I hate checking the mail for the fear that there may be a baby shower invitation looming inside the box.

Will this ever go away? Will I ever be able to be the happy, relatively non-bitter person I once was?

I don't know.

To close out a relatively great weekend...we saw Shrek the Third. Great movie. I have loved all of the Shrek movies. It has kid humor in it, but enough adult humor to keep it interesting for the adults as well. While sitting in the theatre, waiting for the previews to start Pace turned to me and said "We are the only adult couple here without kids."
Cue the tears.
I know what he meant. He was making an observation about how kid like we still are, and that he thinks it is cute and enjoys the fact that we can enjoy kid movies together. We love animated movies, we love cartoons. We love Shrek! But the way my mind interpreted it was "You are the only childless loser sitting in a theatre filled with beautiful families. You should have seen something else. Why would you go to a kid movie when you don't have kids, YOU DON"T BELONG HERE!"
Cue the panic attack. Heart racing, palms sweating, quickened breath.

I was able to talk myself down. We watch kid movies because we are kids at heart. We enjoy the humor, they aren't filled with cuss words and violence, and hey...we needed a laugh. Which is exactly what we got.

Aside from the almost constant reference to babies and pregnancy in the movie, it was great. If I wasn't going through this infertility crap, I would give it 5 stars, but, I am. I am a different person than I was even a year ago and I am finally coming to realize (and will accept someday) that I will never be that person again.