It really has been a crazy week! My best friend's grandpa passed away the morning of the Super Bowl. They were hosting the Super Bowl party, so Pace and I went over to their house to clean up and get things set up while they were with their family. I really enjoy spending time with them and their families. We are like members of their family and I feel so welcome over there.
I still haven't ovulated and I think I am going to stop testing after today. After all, I am on CD26 and so far nothing. I am not going to let that get me down though. I have almost lost all of the 10 pounds I gained after my miscarriage, I am doing really well on my diet and I feel good.
My sister is 1.5 cm dilated, and if she hasn't gone into labor before, they may try and induce her on Tuesday of next week. My parents are flying out next week so that they can help her out with her older kids and so they can see the new baby. I am excited to find out if it is a boy or a girl! Hopefully by this time next week, we will have a new baby in the family!
I am really looking forward to this weekend. My little sister-in-law is going to come over tonight and spend the weekend with Pace and I. I love her so much and am so excited to see her! She called last night to wish Pace a happy birthday and it was just adorable!!! She was just so sweet. She loves her big brother! Plus...I am going to find my tattoo artist this weekend! I have made the decision that to commemorate our 4 years TTC and our angel baby, I am going to get a tattoo. I already know what the tattoo is going to be, but I want to make sure I find the right artist, so that is what I will be doing this weekend!
I know I haven't been that good about blogging, or commenting for that matter, I have just had a lot on my mind and I need to process it before I blog about it, but I wanted to write an update and also send a message out to my not-so anonymous...anonymous commenter:
To the "anonymous" person that sent a comment saying "wah wah wah it's always poor me" your damn right it is. This is my blog and if you don't like what I have to say then STOP READING MY BLOG! I know who you are (you aren't very good at being anonymous) and I feel sorry for you that you have nothing better to do than continue reading my blog and post nasty comments. Grow UP!!!! I have enough going on in my life right now and I am not going to put up with your immaturity. Leave me alone and please...just forget we ever met!
Friday, February 06, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Seriously...think before you speak
I just got back from dinner and drinks with some friends and I am so upset. We aren't real close with these people, but we have known them for years and they are one of the few couples we know that don't have kids. The last time we saw them was August 9th, 2008. You ask...how do you remember the exact date?
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
That was the date we found out we were pregnant and idiotically enough announced it to anyone and everyone that crossed our path. They were 2 of the chosen ones. Speed up 5 months to tonight. They don't know that I miscarried. They show up at the restaurant and the first thing she says to me is "So are you all big and pregnant" ...I stood up out of the booth to hug her (although I silently wanted to strangle her) and said "no...we lost the baby." She said nothing, took her seat and we continued with stupid witty banter conversation.
About an hour later she asks "So are you guys trying for more babies?" I tell her yes, told them that I just had surgery and that we are hoping that the surgery was the answer and we would soon be pregnant. However we know that the plan is not ours and we will soon begin to look at adoption if we aren't able to conceive.
She replies "You guys just need to relax"
I jab my elbow into Pace's side as if to say "Please hold me down because I may rip her head off and spit down her throat."
She continues..."my co-worker tried for 4 years, and finally she said that she was done trying and BAM 2 months later she was pregnant."
I retorted "If relaxing would make me ovulate, I would be the happiest person on earth"
At this point I notice her husband's discomfort. He laughs nervously, focuses his attention to the basketball game on the TV and silently tells his wife to shut the F*&$ up. However, she continues to tell us how someone she knows spent thousands and thousands of dollars to have 2 kids and after the were born, the dad decided he wanted to get sterilized. 2 weeks before the "big snip" (her words, not mine) his wife ended up pregnant. "See...all you need to do is relax and it will happen."
At this point I left the table and hid in the bathroom for a few to regain my composure. After I returned to the table the agony just got worse. She asks me "Have you ever heard of (insert some name of birth control here)? I simply reply "No". Apparently she saw that as an opportunity to share a 20 minute story to my husband and I about this birth control stick that was implanted in her arm and how painful it was, and how long it lasts, and how it has to be removed, and the complications and (insert information that you never want to know about birth control especially from someone you don't know very well and even more especially while you are sitting next to your husband).
I left that dinner totally amazed at how STUPID people can be. If she were having dinner with a paraplegic would she tell a 30 minute story complaining about having to run a marathon? If she were having dinner with a diabetic would she tell a story about how she had a lunch full of nothing but candy and junk food...the answer. Probably. Because people don't think before they open their mouths.
People don't think about how what comes out of their mouths affects the people that are within hearing range.
I still haven't ovulated this month and to be honest, I feel defeated. I feel defeated and VERY frustrated. I'm gonna grab another beer now cause I'm not pregnant....and I can.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Here We Go Again
The title of this post has many meanings.
I had my post-op appt. today. It went fairly well. He said that I had "medium" endometriosis but that everything else looks great. I asked him about doing clo.mid again and he said he wanted us to wait 3 months and if we haven't conceived by then, he wanted me to try the Clo.mid. I giggled. I told him that we have been trying for 4 years, and that if I magically get pregnant in the next 3 months WITHOUT treatment...I would kiss the ground he walks on. And I will...Mark my word.
So we are trying "naturally" for the next 3 months, although none of this really feels natural. All the looking for symptoms, counting the days, temperature taking, baby aspirin, Met.formin, thyroid meds, prenatal vitamins, preseed, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...feels VERY unnatural.
Pace and I had dinner with friends last Friday. They have two adorable sons 7 and 5. Both of her boys were "oops" pregnancies and now...you guessed it. They are trying again. It scares me to my core getting that call from her. How will she tell me? Will she be scared to tell me? Will she tell me at all? I am so tired of this IF crap interrupting my relationships!
Then, I get an email from my sister yesterday. She is 1.5 cm dilated and is looking to have my niece or nephew next week. My parents will be flying out to her house next week so that they can help when the baby is born. I am so happy to have another niece or nephew, but it also reminds me that I should be giving birth in 3 months. The 3 months that I have to wait to see if I can conceive on my own should be the last 3 months of my pregnancy. It just isn't fair.
I am trying to keep my head up and look straight ahead, but the next 3 months are going to be very difficult my friends. Very difficult. Many of my friends are looking to add their 2nd or 3rd child right now, my two sisters and going to be giving birth in the next 2 months and my due date...oh...that dreaded day.
Yep...here we go again. The hurry up and wait game. Someone please wake me up when the next 3 months are over or I am kno.cked up.
I had my post-op appt. today. It went fairly well. He said that I had "medium" endometriosis but that everything else looks great. I asked him about doing clo.mid again and he said he wanted us to wait 3 months and if we haven't conceived by then, he wanted me to try the Clo.mid. I giggled. I told him that we have been trying for 4 years, and that if I magically get pregnant in the next 3 months WITHOUT treatment...I would kiss the ground he walks on. And I will...Mark my word.
So we are trying "naturally" for the next 3 months, although none of this really feels natural. All the looking for symptoms, counting the days, temperature taking, baby aspirin, Met.formin, thyroid meds, prenatal vitamins, preseed, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests...feels VERY unnatural.
Pace and I had dinner with friends last Friday. They have two adorable sons 7 and 5. Both of her boys were "oops" pregnancies and now...you guessed it. They are trying again. It scares me to my core getting that call from her. How will she tell me? Will she be scared to tell me? Will she tell me at all? I am so tired of this IF crap interrupting my relationships!
Then, I get an email from my sister yesterday. She is 1.5 cm dilated and is looking to have my niece or nephew next week. My parents will be flying out to her house next week so that they can help when the baby is born. I am so happy to have another niece or nephew, but it also reminds me that I should be giving birth in 3 months. The 3 months that I have to wait to see if I can conceive on my own should be the last 3 months of my pregnancy. It just isn't fair.
I am trying to keep my head up and look straight ahead, but the next 3 months are going to be very difficult my friends. Very difficult. Many of my friends are looking to add their 2nd or 3rd child right now, my two sisters and going to be giving birth in the next 2 months and my due date...oh...that dreaded day.
Yep...here we go again. The hurry up and wait game. Someone please wake me up when the next 3 months are over or I am kno.cked up.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
New Perspective
Good Afternoon my blogger buddies - Over the last 4 years (3 years 11 months and one day to be exact) my husband and I have faced some debilitating challenges. As our 4 year wedding anniversary approaches (a month away) I have been doing a lot of thinking about our marriage and everything we have endured over the last 4 years.
I have found a whole new respect and love for my husband.
He constantly holds me up and holds me together.
He makes me laugh - not just chuckle but shoot liquids out of my nose, tears running down my face laugh
I can tell him anything. Trust me after 4 years of infertility - he knows WAY more about my anatomy than any husband should find sexy
He makes me feel beautiful - like I am the only woman on the planet (unless a photo of Julia Roberts is near)
He is patient with me - he lets me have my bad times, my sad times and my totally goofy times
He is a great friend. To everyone, not just me. Last week he went out on a limb for a friend (a limb that most people would never go out on). I was so angry at him at the time, but then I realized what a selfless act it was and how amazingly large my husbands heart is.
He stands up for me. I know that when people treat me crappy, he has my back. He is my protector.
He is a busy body - which is a good thing because if it weren't for him, I would probably spend 95% of my home life in front of the TV. (I really don't like this quality in myself, but I find it so hard to get motivated after I park on the couch)
He knows me and he loves me anyway - what more could a girl ask for?
We have been through more in the last 4 years than most people go through in 10 years of marriage, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has taught me a new love for myself and a new love for my husband. I so wish we still had our little baby in my belly to share, but I know that the Lord has a plan. It certainly isn't MY plan - but it is a plan non-the-less and He hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I love you Mr. Clinger!
I have found a whole new respect and love for my husband.
He constantly holds me up and holds me together.
He makes me laugh - not just chuckle but shoot liquids out of my nose, tears running down my face laugh
I can tell him anything. Trust me after 4 years of infertility - he knows WAY more about my anatomy than any husband should find sexy
He makes me feel beautiful - like I am the only woman on the planet (unless a photo of Julia Roberts is near)
He is patient with me - he lets me have my bad times, my sad times and my totally goofy times
He is a great friend. To everyone, not just me. Last week he went out on a limb for a friend (a limb that most people would never go out on). I was so angry at him at the time, but then I realized what a selfless act it was and how amazingly large my husbands heart is.
He stands up for me. I know that when people treat me crappy, he has my back. He is my protector.
He is a busy body - which is a good thing because if it weren't for him, I would probably spend 95% of my home life in front of the TV. (I really don't like this quality in myself, but I find it so hard to get motivated after I park on the couch)
He knows me and he loves me anyway - what more could a girl ask for?
We have been through more in the last 4 years than most people go through in 10 years of marriage, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because it has taught me a new love for myself and a new love for my husband. I so wish we still had our little baby in my belly to share, but I know that the Lord has a plan. It certainly isn't MY plan - but it is a plan non-the-less and He hasn't steered me wrong yet.
I love you Mr. Clinger!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
On to Bigger and Better Things
Sorry all for the last outburst. I needed to cut some ties, and unfortunately it had to be here, but it is done, the chapter is closed and I can move on to bigger and better things.
I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.
My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!
I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:
She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"
Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)
She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"
Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."
She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"
Me: "I love you too! Bye"
Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too late...it's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"
I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.
I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her age...my poor sister! LOL
I have a cold now. Dang! I was really looking forward to feeling 100% by now, but now I have been down and out for over a week and it is getting really old! (My husband would agree) LOL
Other than the cold, I am doing pretty good, I have had some insomnia issues since Sunday night ( I have NO idea where those issues came from) I have never had a sleeping problem like this before, but I am managing in spite of the insomnia and the cold.
My follow up appt. with my dr. is on the 29th. I am so excited to get in there and get some answers! I am really hoping that I don't "O" until after the appt. cause we are on restriction until after my post-op appt. But...I have never been afraid of breaking or bending the rules!
I talked to my sister yesterday (she is due in March). We had our normal great conversation and I love her dearly, but she has this foot-in-mouth syndrome that she just can't seem to break. We were talking about her 2 girls and she was telling me how much fun they were and here is how the conversation went:
She: "We just have so much fun together, I can't imagine my life without the girls. Ya know? I don't know what I would do with my life if I didn't have the girls. I mean, life would just be so boring without kids!"
Me: **crickets chirping...awkward silence**(If I were talking to anyone else I would have said "Yeah, my life is the definition of boring, or Yeah, well us boring people manage somehow, or I'm glad I don't have to define my entire life around kids or something smart like that, but I love my sister...)
She: This is the point where she realized that she probably should have thought that out before it came out of her mouth..."Which you WILL get to experience some day...I just know it"
Me: "Yeah...I hope sooner than later."
She: :...Well...I just got home, so I should let you go. I love you! Talk to you soon!"
Me: "I love you too! Bye"
Poor thing - I know she doesn't realize it until it's too late...it's already out there and then it is almost as if I can hear her say "Shit...did I just say that?"
I love her. She means well and she is one of the few people I know in real life that actually feels comfortable talking about my infertility, so I just chuckle and will use those little slips to tease the daylights out of her when I have kids.
I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have a couple of birthday parties to go to on Saturday and then I am probably going to spend some girl time with my niece and a couple of my girlfriends on Sunday morning. My niece is getting to that age where I want to introduce her to my friends and hang out, she is 14, full of attitude, and I just adore her! She reminds me so much of myself at her age...my poor sister! LOL
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Public Service Announcement
I just wanted to write a quick blurb to let you all know that I am not going to make my blog private. There are too many people I have met because the "fell" onto my blog, and I don't want to miss out on those opportunities.
However, if you do read my blog and you feel the need to make me feel bad about things that I write, I simply ask that you QUIT READING MY BLOG! I chose to start this blog because I need a place where I can vent, share my life and keep friends and family updated on my life.
I did not start writing so that my friends in real life can read what I write, then totally read into what I actually said and make me feel like a piece of crap because they TOTALLY misunderstood what I said.
I am being very picky about who I allow to be my friend this year and if you are my friend in real life and can't communicate (that means TALK to me not text or blast me on your blog) with me then I don't need you. Please stop reading my blog and don't ever call or text me again. You can be assured that I will not be reading your blog so feel free to blast me on your blog as much as you would like. I won't even know it.
Thank you
However, if you do read my blog and you feel the need to make me feel bad about things that I write, I simply ask that you QUIT READING MY BLOG! I chose to start this blog because I need a place where I can vent, share my life and keep friends and family updated on my life.
I did not start writing so that my friends in real life can read what I write, then totally read into what I actually said and make me feel like a piece of crap because they TOTALLY misunderstood what I said.
I am being very picky about who I allow to be my friend this year and if you are my friend in real life and can't communicate (that means TALK to me not text or blast me on your blog) with me then I don't need you. Please stop reading my blog and don't ever call or text me again. You can be assured that I will not be reading your blog so feel free to blast me on your blog as much as you would like. I won't even know it.
Thank you
Monday, January 19, 2009
GO CARDINALS!!!
I am SO excited that the Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl!!!! Pace and I spent yesterday surrounded by our close friends and family. We had a great time, ate way too much food and yelled a little too much, but we had a great time!
We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.
I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!
I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.
Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!
We have made the decision to move forward with Clo.mid after this next cycle. I am on restriction from BD'ing (baby dancing) until my post-op appt. So this month we will be trying naturally and then we will move to Clo.mid next month. I started taking OPK's today, so we will see what this month turns out like.
I really have a lot more hope now. I'm not really sure why. Endo wasn't the reason we weren't getting pregnant, it may have contributed to the miscarriage, but I don't believe it was the reason we weren't getting pg. However, I feel like we are starting with a clean slate, a fresh new start. I am excited again, I am happy again, I am hopeful and it just feels so dang good!
I am back at work today. I feel exhausted. I haven't taken any pain meds since Saturday and overall I am feeling pretty good. I just feel really tired. I guess after laying around for 3 and a half days straight, you get kind of tired when you are actually being partially active.
Thank you all for your well wishes, your nice thoughts and kind words. You all are the best!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
2 is the magic number
I'm home. I'm sore, I feel like I have been hit by a truck, but I am home and well.
The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.
They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.
I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!
I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.
Much love!
Nichole
The surgery went well. Suprisingly enough I wasn't even nervous. Given my recent history of anxiety attacks, I was a little nervous of how I would do, but my blood pressure was 111 over 72 right before surgery. Not bad.
They found endometriosis, but were able to remove it all. I don't know yet how bad it was or what it was attached to, I will find out in 2 weeks at my post-op appt. The dr. did tell Pace that we really need to try and get pg within the next 6 months due to the endo. If only it were that easy.
I did really well the first day...then I woke up this morning. I have never taken pain pills, so I was a little freaked out to take them. So I started out small...big mistake. I finally got desperate enough to take 2 today (which was the recommended amount) and that is definately the magic number!
I will write more later, but I wanted to just let you all out there know how it went. Sorry I don't have a lot of details, but I will know much more after my appt. in a couple of weeks.
Thank you all so much for your thoughts, kind words, prayers and good wishes. I actually feel hopeful again and as soon as I heal I am ready to jump right back in to agressive TTC.
Much love!
Nichole
Monday, January 12, 2009
Starting To Freak
My lab work is done, I have given my medical history and I 32 hours away from my surgery. I know that it is a minor, routine surgery, but I am still freaking a little. I am freaking about being put under, about doing/saying something stupid while under anesthesia, about what they will find. I am just a freak.
I have had a rough couple of days. My great Aunt passed away. I was supposed to sing at her funeral, but the funeral is tomorrow...in KS. No way I could go and be back for my surgery. So my sister flew home and is going to be singing with my mom. I am sad that I can't be there, but I need to do this and I can't put it off.
A very dear family friend of Pace's passed away this weekend. The poor man had been battling cancer for a few years now. It was awful what he had to go through and I am so thankful his pain is over.
I had a fantastic weekend with my husband. We played Playstation 3, we wrestled, tickled, laughed, watched lots of football and just enjoyed each other. I love it when we enjoy each other like that.
Here are a few pics from our New Years trip. I will update you all on my surgery as quickly as I can. 
Monday, January 05, 2009
Hello 2009
We are back and we all came back in one piece! We had an absolutely amazing time! I was a little scared of the riding just because it was my first time and well...I can be a chicken sh!t at times, but I was riding with great drivers and after I got over my initial fear it was all good.
It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.
We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.
I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.
I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.
My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.
After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.
So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.
I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.
In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!
It was so nice being around good friends. Friends that love you when you stink, love you when you are covered in sand, love you when you are too scared too go riding, love you when you are crying and love you when you are having anxiety attacks. It is such a great feeling to have friends that I can be myself around and that love me for who I am.
We saw some amazing rides out there. I can not believe how much money people put into sand rails and such. Going to the dunes was probably the second best vacation Pace and I have ever been on together. He was like a kid in a candy store and we have decided that I definitely need a quad of my own before we go back. We have decided we are going to work really hard at getting all of our debts (the truck and the quad) paid off so we can look into a toy hauler and another quad by the end of next year.
I took a pregnancy test Saturday, it was negative. Of course it was right? Aunt Flow hasn't come to visit yet, but I am definitely starting to have the symptoms. Yesterday morning I woke up very weepy. I was so emotional I think the last time I felt like that was my last cycle on Clo.mid.
I decided to keep myself busy and one of the chores I took on was to clean out and re-organize my office. BAD IDEA!!! I stumbled across my medical reports, bills, sympathy cards etc, from when I had my miscarriage and I just lost it. I was a complete wreck after that.
My sister called me a few hours later (the one that is about 4 weeks farther along than I should be). I really enjoy talking to her, but yesterday I probably just should have ignored her call. We were talking, I was telling her about our trip, she was telling me how great it was to get back to church etc. Then she said, "All of the people in our Sunday school class were asking about you." (She has told them about our infertility/miscarriage and has had them on the prayer team for us) She continued, " I told them that you were the bravest, strongest woman I have ever met." When most people hear something said like that about them, they would be touched, but for me it was like a slap in the face. I don't feel strong or brave, I feel alone and forgotten, not strong and brave. I don't want to be strong or brave, I just want this to be over. I either want to know that I will have biological children one day, or I want to know that it will never happen. The "not knowing" part is just killing me. I was polite and told her "Thank you" and then she had to go cause she had to tend to the kids.
After crying for a couple hours I felt a little better and was able to calm down enough to watch M.amma M.ia! with Pace. (Actually he slept while I watched it LOL) I really enjoyed it, it was a little slow, but a very cute story altogether.
So I am back at work today, feeling very drained, still emotionally raw and overall just exhausted. So far in 2009 I have
- Had an anxiety attack in front of all of my closest friends (embarrassing!!!)
- Gotten a negative pregnancy test
- Been extremely emotional and weepy
- Had a great vacation
Does anyone know how to make a blog private or block certain people from reading it? I am considering this as I think the time has come that I monitor who reads my blog.
I really hope everyone had a great New Year! I am hopeful that 2009 will be the year that all of our dreams come true! Much love to all of my blogger buddies - thank you for being there for me, for loving me in all of my craziness and for giving me some hope when I feel that there is none left.
In closing I would like to add that I have had some amazing comments left on my last couple of blogs and I truly appreciate them! Some of you have left some amazingly inspiring messages that I have really taken to heart. I would like to send a shout out to Jessika that commented on my last blog. I would love to chat sometime if you want to email me your info! I am sorry that you are on this journey too, but glad that I can be of some help to you!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
For those of you that aren't familiar, the Im.perial S.and D.unes in CA is a huge gathering place for the new year. Everyone brings out their quads, S.and R.ails, Buggies, d.irt b.ikes and more toys to enjoy endless amounts of sand, drinking and fun.
This is where we are headed today.
We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!
I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until Saturday...so until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is where we are headed today.
We have the trailer loaded up, the toys ready to go and all of the wood cut for the fire. As soon as I get off work we are heading out. I will be out there with a few of my best girlfriends, so I am really looking to spending some time with them!
I am praying for a very safe trip as I know too many people who have gotten hurt out there, but we will be as safe as we can and have a great time. I won't have internet access again until Saturday...so until then HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Survived Christmas
I am home, and I survived. barely. This post will be long, but I have a lot to write about...so here goes.
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
We got a "later than we wanted" start to our trip on Saturday morning. We hit the road and after making a few stops, we were KS bound. The trip out there went pretty smoothly. We took our time and enjoyed the beautiful drive through the AZ mountains. We meandered into my parents house at 11:00 pm and was greeted by my parents, and brothers and sisters. It was great to see all of them and thankfully we were all so tired, we pretty much went straight to bed.
We woke up early Sunday morning and got ready for church. That is when the reality of my sister's pregnancies really sunk in. I couldn't believe how much they were showing and all I could think about was that I should have a belly like that also. If our baby hadn't been taken from us, I would look like that too. I took a big gulp and headed off to church.
In church we got to hear about the birth of this wonderful gift "Jesus". and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of peace and humility, I felt jealous. I felt jealous that Mary was so special she was chosen by God to give birth to the savior. She didn't even have sex and she became pregnant! I felt forgotten and alone standing next to my sister in church. I saw many of my old classmates in church with their beautiful children and it just ripped my heart apart.
After church we went to the big family Christmas party with all of my aunts and uncles, cousins etc. It was really nice seeing everyone, but it was one of the hardest parts of the trip. Everything was going ok until my cousin came in (that I only see every other year and have no communication with other than that) she came through the door and headed directly to me, wrapped me in a huge hug and said "Congratulations!"
Me: "For What?"
Her: "You're pregnant!"
Me: "Ummm.....no....I lost the baby"
Her: "Oh...when?"
Me: "In August."
Her: "Oh, how far along were you?"
Me: "A little over 6 weeks."
Her: "Oh, I am so sorry...well...it just wasn't meant to be"
Me: "Yeah, and the fact that your mom, my aunt, passed away suddenly from cancer this year and now she can't be here for Christmas and your dad is standing there all alone on his first Christmas without his wife....I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
(Ok...I am not a TOTAL winch...I did not say this to her out loud.) I did say this in my mind, but I knew she felt stupid that no one let her in on the little "miscarriage secret" so I just let it go, I walked to the bathroom and had my first breakdown. I gathered my composure after about 10 minutes and rejoined the party.
The second surprise of the party was when my younger boy cousin came to the party with his girlfriend and 4 month old baby. Ouch. That really hurt. No one had told me that he had a baby - he is probably the last person in my family that should be having a baby, but he has one. A beautiful little baby girl that he can't provide for. Fabulous...back to the bathroom for breakdown #2.
Monday morning we woke up, had breakfast and opened gifts. It was so neat to see my nieces and nephews open their gifts. They were so much fun! I have 4 younger nieces and nephews that range from age 3 to 7 and then I have 7 older nieces and nephews that range from 13 to 19. It is amazing to see how much they change every time I see them. My oldest nephew brought his girlfriend to Christmas this year and I must say that I am so proud of him. She is amazing and I am just so happy for him!
I got some new slippers and this beautiful quilt that my mom and dad had made for me. It is made out of all of my old T-shirts from when I was growing up. It is so neat and has so many memories!
I tried to steer clear of my sisters as much as possible, not because I didn't want to be around them, but because the only thing they talked about was their kids and/or their pregnancies. "I've gained this much...how much have you?", "When did your morning sickness go away?", "When did "H" start wiping herself?", "Are you having trouble sleeping too?", "Oh, I just knock everything over with my big fat belly...." and the list goes on and on. So you can understand why I tried to steer clear, however my parents don't have a huge house, and there was very few places (other than the scary basement) I could go to get away.
Tuesday we went to go visit my sick aunt, she is actually my great aunt, but she is not doing well. She is in her late 80's and her body is just giving up. This will probably be the last time I see her alive, and all I could think about was that she was never going to meet my children. My children will never know how great their great aunt was.
Then I started thinking about everything along that line. I overhead my sisters talking about changing our Christmas' so that my mom and dad travel each year for Christmas instead of us all going home for Christmas. It is much easier for my parents to pick up and travel than it is for all of us, so they think we should all trade off having Christmas at our houses. This almost brought me to my knees. My future children may never know about Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's, they may never know the traditions, my moms beautiful decorations, or the scary basement. All of my nieces and nephews have wonderful stories about my parents farm, and I want my future children to have that as well. I just kept thinking about everything that my future children have missed out on and it made me very sad. Breakdown #3.
We left bright and early at 3:30 am to head back to AZ on Wednesday. I was so exhausted from trying to keep myself together the entire time. I was emotionally drained and ready to get back home. The drive went well, weather was great, and we made great time. We got back home, checked the mail and were bombarded by Christmas letters from friends and family, most of them involving pregnancies or new babies. As we settled in for Christmas Eve I though about how this will be our first Christmas with just Pace and I. We usually have his mom and little sister over to share in the festivities, but not this year. It was a little bittersweet for me. I was excited to have that time with just Pace for once, but also a little sad knowing what could...what should have been. Breakdown #4.
Christmas morning was great. Pace and I acted like little kids, Santa came to our house, we had our traditional breakfast and lounged around in our pj's until 11:00 am. Then we went over to my sisters house to exchange gifts with them and have lunch. After a few hours over there, we went to my mother in-laws for a delicious prime rib dinner. I wish the company was as great as the food. It is so depressing over there and to know that my beautiful little sister in law has to grow up like that makes me sick. My MIL has this friend named "T" who is a raging alcoholic (along with this life-long girlfriend) He has had so many DUI's that he will probably never get his license back, they have a very abusive relationship and are constantly on again/off again. Well...he was there and he brought pictures of his newborn baby boy. Born on November 20th.
Can someone please explain to me how these two people who are two of the unhealthiest people both physically and emotionally that I have ever met are able to conceive and give birth to a child? That just took the cake for me. Breakdown #5.
I am so angry God. I am angry that you allow children to be born into these circumstances that are so unfair to them, yet you leave good healthy people like us barren. I am angry that you have chosen this life for me and I am angry that I seem to be surrounded by the one thing that I can't have. I don't understand what lesson you are trying to teach me, but I feel like it is really cruel. I can't handle much more of this. I tried surrendering everything to you, I let you lead my life and I got pregnant. I was ecstatic, my life was turning around, I saw an end to my suffering and then you took my child. Why would you do that? Why would you make this already difficult Christmas season even harder by surrounding me with my pregnant sisters? Please God give me some relief in 2009. If it is not in your plan for us to have biological children, please make us aware of that so that we can begin to grieve, heal and move on.
Amen.
Breakdown #6
Friday, December 19, 2008
I heard you that time!
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and praying about this trip back home to KS. Basically, I am most worried about me ending up spending the entire time throwing myself a pity party and being jealous of my two pregnant sisters.
This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!
A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT
Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.
Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can comprehend...to the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.
Thank you
Amen
This was the daily scripture that was delivered to my email box this morning. Seriously...I couldn't make this up!
A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones.
~ Proverbs 14:30, NLT
Ummmmm....I think God is trying to tell me something. So I am printing that out and using it as my strength this next week.
Thank you God for speaking to me in a way I can comprehend...to the point, and right in my face. LOL Now if you could please just help me find that peaceful heart. I think it is buried under the disappointment, fear, frustration, anger, bitterness and sadness.
Thank you
Amen
Thursday, December 18, 2008
S - Day...January 14th
The scheduling lady called me today and my surgery is officially set for January 14th at 10:00 am. I was a little peeved that it was on a MONDAY... now that means I have to take off at least 2 days of work, possibly even 3. That does not really make me very happy because my company is in the process of a huge change over and I really can't afford to miss work in January, but I don't want to put it off either.
I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."
So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.
My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).
Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.
Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.
God I hope I can pull this off.
I talked to my boss...which was a little awkward, but I told him what was going on, what the surgery was for etc., and asked him if he would prefer that I wait till February with everything that is going on here. He said "absolutely not...go get it taken care of, don't put it off."
So January 14th is the day. I am really nervous and a little scared, but I am just hoping and praying for a quick recovery with as little down time as possible.
My insurance is covering it, so the only thing I will have to pay is my 20% since I have already met my deductible (thanks to my miscarriage in August).
Since I haven't "O'd" yet, it looks like we are on a forced break until February. Yippie-Ki-Yi-Freakin-Yay. That is going to be fun conversation with my two pregnant sisters over Christmas.
Sigh...Please God give me the strength and peace to be around my sisters and not feel jealous, angry, cheated or forgotten. Please be especially close to me this next week, remind me that you know the best plan and route for my life and that I need to trust in you and only you. Please help me remember to let go of the things I can't change and to enjoy the time I have with my family.
God I hope I can pull this off.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Consult
I met with Dr. P today. Meeting with him was nice, but once again, the office staff was less than desirable. I had to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to be seen...HELLO???? Did I NOT make an appointment?
Anywho...he agrees that my symptoms are basically screaming endo. So, he has agreed to do the laparoscopy as well as a hysteroscopy. He wants to make sure I don't also have scarring inside the uterus etc, so that is the reason for both procedures. I am scared and excited. Honestly, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.
I did my Christmas baking yesterday and then went over to my sisters (the only one that isn't pregnant) to put up their Christmas tree and we also decorated the outside. They are so busy and they have been riddled with illnesses, injuries and car accidents over the last 2 weeks, so they haven't had the chance to decorate. We thought it would be a nice gesture and also fun to help them do that...and it was!
The weather looks a little hairy for driving to KS this weekend. Three different storm systems are coming through bringing lots of rain here and snow North of us along our path to KS. Hopefully the precipitation will either be minimal or will melt by the time we hit the road Saturday morning. My sister was talking about possibly not being able to make it home for Christmas and that made me sad. I know that being home with my two VERY pregnant sisters is going to be so hard, and I know that there will be plenty of tears shed, but the thought of going any longer without seeing my family made me very sad. So, now I am looking forward to it, I am going into it knowing that there will be challenges, and there will be some awkward moments, but I will get through them and I will have a good time in spite of myself!
I am stilling waiting to "O" doesn't look like it is going to happen this month. All well...maybe that is better, at least I don't have to worry about my Christmas being ruined by another BFN. This Christmas I won't have to worry about it - I can just relax and wait for AF. (if she comes).
Anywho...he agrees that my symptoms are basically screaming endo. So, he has agreed to do the laparoscopy as well as a hysteroscopy. He wants to make sure I don't also have scarring inside the uterus etc, so that is the reason for both procedures. I am scared and excited. Honestly, I just don't want to be in pain anymore.
I did my Christmas baking yesterday and then went over to my sisters (the only one that isn't pregnant) to put up their Christmas tree and we also decorated the outside. They are so busy and they have been riddled with illnesses, injuries and car accidents over the last 2 weeks, so they haven't had the chance to decorate. We thought it would be a nice gesture and also fun to help them do that...and it was!
The weather looks a little hairy for driving to KS this weekend. Three different storm systems are coming through bringing lots of rain here and snow North of us along our path to KS. Hopefully the precipitation will either be minimal or will melt by the time we hit the road Saturday morning. My sister was talking about possibly not being able to make it home for Christmas and that made me sad. I know that being home with my two VERY pregnant sisters is going to be so hard, and I know that there will be plenty of tears shed, but the thought of going any longer without seeing my family made me very sad. So, now I am looking forward to it, I am going into it knowing that there will be challenges, and there will be some awkward moments, but I will get through them and I will have a good time in spite of myself!
I am stilling waiting to "O" doesn't look like it is going to happen this month. All well...maybe that is better, at least I don't have to worry about my Christmas being ruined by another BFN. This Christmas I won't have to worry about it - I can just relax and wait for AF. (if she comes).
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Alter Egos
My Friend Emily posted this and I thought it was cute...and not quite as heavy as my last post. I am working on another post, but so many thoughts are running through my mind right now, I need to wait to put them all together in a logical manner. Here is a fun light hearted one, hope you enjoy!
1. My rock star name: *Kujo Tundra*{First pet and current car}
2. My gangsta name: *Whatchamacallit no bake*{Favorite candy bar and favorite cookie}
3. My detective name: *Green cat*{Favorite color and favorite animal}
4. My Star Wars name: *Clini of Metformin *{First three letters of last name and first two letters of first name then the word "of" then a medication you are on}
5. My superhero name: *The Red Tea*{2nd favorite color and favorite drink with "The" in front}
6. My Nascar name: *Josephine Nadene*{First names of your grandmothers}
7. My "lover" name: *Curious Shock Tarts *{Name of your favorite perfume/cologne and your favorite candy}
8. Witness-protection name: *Ellen Raymond*{Mother's and father's middle names}
Haha...my favorite is Clini of Metformin. It's hilarious! Thanks for posting this Emily...it was nice to do something fun and uplifting!
Hope you all are doing well - I am just waiting to "O" again. Have my consult on Monday with the surgeon. Good Times.
1. My rock star name: *Kujo Tundra*{First pet and current car}
2. My gangsta name: *Whatchamacallit no bake*{Favorite candy bar and favorite cookie}
3. My detective name: *Green cat*{Favorite color and favorite animal}
4. My Star Wars name: *Clini of Metformin *{First three letters of last name and first two letters of first name then the word "of" then a medication you are on}
5. My superhero name: *The Red Tea*{2nd favorite color and favorite drink with "The" in front}
6. My Nascar name: *Josephine Nadene*{First names of your grandmothers}
7. My "lover" name: *Curious Shock Tarts *{Name of your favorite perfume/cologne and your favorite candy}
8. Witness-protection name: *Ellen Raymond*{Mother's and father's middle names}
Haha...my favorite is Clini of Metformin. It's hilarious! Thanks for posting this Emily...it was nice to do something fun and uplifting!
Hope you all are doing well - I am just waiting to "O" again. Have my consult on Monday with the surgeon. Good Times.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Greetings Earthlings
Pace and I just got home from a night out with friends. We don't go out often anymore, so tonight was a special treat. At least I thought it was going to be.
I have realized that I am not the person my husband fell in love with 6 years ago. OK...I have known for a while that he did not bargain for the whole infertility thing, but tonight I realized that it is way more than that.
I am depressed.
I get that some people have never experienced depression. I have. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager. I have been medicated for it in the past, and have thought about seeing a therapist recently, but to be honest. I don't want to.
It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's about squeezing one more damn dr. visit into my life and swallowing one more damn pill every day. I just don't think I can take it.
I have tried to fake happy, I have tried to pretend that all is hunky dorie and that life goes on blah blah blah, but for someone that is experiencing depression...it doesn't. I have anxiety attacks, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sad that I don't have a close girlfriend, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be close to me. I feel so isolated and alone even with all of the wonderful friends I have in real life as well as in cyberspace.
Pace has never experienced depression. I try to explain to him how I feel, how I feel so inadequate, how I feel fat and broken, how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING, how much I miss the baby that should still be in my belly right now. I try to explain to him how sad I am and how terrified I am to go home this year for Christmas and see my two VERY pregnant sisters. But he doesn't get it.
He has never experienced depression. He can roll with the punches and put on a happy face...always. He doesn't fight back tears when someone announces that they are pregnant, he doesn't feel like vomiting when he sees a pregnant woman, he doesn't look at my belly every day and think...she should be 21 weeks along right now. He doesn't think about those things....I do.
It is difficult for me to talk to him about how I am feeling because his answer is always "try being more optimistic." Think happy thoughts. Do you know how much I wish I COULD think happy thoughts?
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life right now, and I know that I am very blessed to have what I have, but I just feel so distant from everyone else. I feel like I am from some foreign planet, I have landed here on Earth and am trying to fit in the best way I can without anyone noticing me.
I am not doing a very good job. I wish I could go back 6 years to my partying days when Pace and I's relationship was fresh and new. WhenI wanted to party and I laughed, and was happy, and wanted to meet new people, and we had SO much fun together and we lived life to its fullest. That is the person he feel in love with...and here he is 6 years later...with me, a totally different...me.
I have realized that I am not the person my husband fell in love with 6 years ago. OK...I have known for a while that he did not bargain for the whole infertility thing, but tonight I realized that it is way more than that.
I am depressed.
I get that some people have never experienced depression. I have. I have dealt with it since I was a teenager. I have been medicated for it in the past, and have thought about seeing a therapist recently, but to be honest. I don't want to.
It's not that I don't want to feel better, it's about squeezing one more damn dr. visit into my life and swallowing one more damn pill every day. I just don't think I can take it.
I have tried to fake happy, I have tried to pretend that all is hunky dorie and that life goes on blah blah blah, but for someone that is experiencing depression...it doesn't. I have anxiety attacks, I cry at the drop of a hat, I am sad that I don't have a close girlfriend, but at the same time, I don't want anyone to be close to me. I feel so isolated and alone even with all of the wonderful friends I have in real life as well as in cyberspace.
Pace has never experienced depression. I try to explain to him how I feel, how I feel so inadequate, how I feel fat and broken, how sensitive I am to EVERYTHING, how much I miss the baby that should still be in my belly right now. I try to explain to him how sad I am and how terrified I am to go home this year for Christmas and see my two VERY pregnant sisters. But he doesn't get it.
He has never experienced depression. He can roll with the punches and put on a happy face...always. He doesn't fight back tears when someone announces that they are pregnant, he doesn't feel like vomiting when he sees a pregnant woman, he doesn't look at my belly every day and think...she should be 21 weeks along right now. He doesn't think about those things....I do.
It is difficult for me to talk to him about how I am feeling because his answer is always "try being more optimistic." Think happy thoughts. Do you know how much I wish I COULD think happy thoughts?
Don't get me wrong, I know that there are far worse things that could be happening in my life right now, and I know that I am very blessed to have what I have, but I just feel so distant from everyone else. I feel like I am from some foreign planet, I have landed here on Earth and am trying to fit in the best way I can without anyone noticing me.
I am not doing a very good job. I wish I could go back 6 years to my partying days when Pace and I's relationship was fresh and new. WhenI wanted to party and I laughed, and was happy, and wanted to meet new people, and we had SO much fun together and we lived life to its fullest. That is the person he feel in love with...and here he is 6 years later...with me, a totally different...me.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
The talks
The talk with Pace - went very well. Of course it did, he was amazingly supportive and I think it really got to him a little bit. I guess no one likes the idea of someone they love having to have surgery. We are both tired. We have decided to start requesting information packets from adoption agencies and at least start the paperwork. We are going to take our time on this though because 1. we don't have the money for adoption and 2. it feels like I am giving up on my body - and I am not ready to do that.
The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.
When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my chart...you would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.
This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.
So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.
The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?
The talk with my Dr. - I have mixed feelings on whether I can stay with this Dr. or not. I LOVE her! She has given me her email address so I can email her questions any time, she is very soothing and has great bedside manner. However, everyone else in her office is terrible! They have no personalities and the ones with personalities are quite undesirable.
When I had my miscarriage, there was one nurse in particular that I wanted to smack up side her face. She was so cruel and cold. She made the entire process WAY more traumatizing than it already was. I was lucky enough to have that same nurse yesterday. She didn't say "hi" or "how are you doing today" or anything. She just called my name told me to get on the scale and took me to the room. Very UNCOOL! After taking my blood pressure (which I am sure was high because I was pissed) she asked "What method of birth control are you on?" Um....EXCUSE ME???? CAN'T YOU TAKE ONE FREAKIN MINUTE TO READ OVER MY CHART BEFORE YOU ALLOW DIARRHEA TO RUN OUT OF YOU MOUTH WITH A STUPID QUESTION LIKE THAT? I responded "I am not on any. I haven't been on birth control for 4 years. If you would read my chart...you would see that." I got no response from her, she just walked out of the room and I started to cry. It was hard enough trying to keep my eyes in my book while in the waiting room so I didn't have to see all of the cute pregnant bellies that were surrounding me. I tried not to pay attention to the couple that was sitting there and the man couldn't keep his hands off of her big, swollen belly. Like I said....I tried. Not good enough I guess.
This room was the same room I learned about my miscarriage, this was the same room that I cried in because that same nurse was a rotten human being to me. I asked myself..."Why do you keep coming here?" The only answer I could really come up with was that it was far to difficult to move to yet another Dr., go over my entire crappy medical history again and possibly end up not liking the new Dr. either. Also, they can always get me in really quick, which is a HUGE thing for me. My last GYN was always booked out 3-4 months. Totally unacceptable.
So aside from all of that drama the actual talk with my Dr. seemed to go really well. She listened to all of my symptoms and we actually had a long chat about it. That is one of the things I love about her - she is never in a rush to get out the door. She will sit there with me as long as I need. She agrees that my symptoms do sound like endo, so I have scheduled a consult with the surgeon on the 15th of December. Then, we will just go from there.
The talk with God - I am really struggling to communicate with Him. I don't know what to say. I have cried out to Him, I have surrendered to Him, I have done all of that, but somehow I still feel like I am walking this walk alone. I need to do more talking to Him, or maybe less talking and more listening. That is it...I am going to try being a better listener. Maybe that is why He isn't talking to me right now...I haven't been listening. Who would continue to talk to someone that never listens?
Monday, December 01, 2008
I'm pulling the trigger...
For the last 6 months or so, I have been experiencing very common symptoms of endometriosis. I am not going to go into details on exactly what those symptoms are because some of you I know in real life and even after all of this infertility crap, I still have a little bit of pride left.
However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.
I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.
After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.
For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.
The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.
Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.
I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.
However, lets just say that it has been very painful and to be honest quite scary.
I haven't told anyone about my suspicions. I haven't even talked to Pace about this because I am tired of talking about how screwed up my body is. I am tired of talking about dr. appts and treatments and taking medicines. I am tired of it all.
After a very intensely painful day yesterday and a few google searches, I pulled the trigger. I scheduled an appt. with my dr. tomorrow to have a consult and possibly schedule a laprascopic surgery to look for (and if found remove) endometriosis.
For those of you who do not know what endo is, basically it is endometrial tissue (the tissue that is supposed to be on the INSIDE of your uterus and is shed monthly if conception does not occur) that somehow escapes and floats out into (most commonly) the abdomen. This tissue can affect the uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, bladder and bowels. It binds organs together which you can imagine can be pretty painful. The most discomfort is typically during menstration.
The best way to diagnose endo is to have laparascopic surgery where they enter your abdomen via a small incision near the belly button. They put in a laparascope to look around for any endo and if found can take samples for a biopsy.
Fun fun. Honestly, I am terrified. I am terrified that they will find something else wrong with me. Now that I seem to have my PCOS under control (as much as possible anyway) there is something else. I will be even more broken, I will be even more defected and feel like even less of a woman. More treatments, more money, more explanations and more feelings of failure.
I am telling Pace about it all tonight and...yes...I am terrified. I am terrified that one day he will wake up and see me the way I see myself. A broken body, with a shattered spirit and now with a broken heart.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I need an "OFF" button for my brain
Our Thanksgiving was great! It was so nice to get away and the scenery in Idaho was breathtaking! There wasn't very much snow, but that is ok, I am still hoping for a white Christmas in Kansas.
We went up to a natural hot spring which was AWESOME! The water was the perfect temperature and it was exhilarating to be outside in the elements when it is 40 degrees outside and strip down to my bathing suit and jump in. Brrrrrr!
Pace spent a lot of his time splitting wood with his dad. Their main source of heat in the house is a wood burning stove, so splitting wood is a very important chore! We befriended a little squirrel that lives in my FIL's backyard. Pace named him Merl - I love him - isn't that adorable!
We took walks back into the woods, ate organic food, plucked feathers out of the turkey and had a deer walk through the backyard literally 10 feet away from us. It was so relaxing and was just a wonderful trip.
However, I wasn't really feeling very well. I was extremely tired the entire trip and man were my bb's sore!!! I just kind of felt like I was in a funk. So of course, I immediately thought exactly what you all are probably thinking now. That I was pregnant. I really tried not to get my hopes up because I didn't want to be devastated (again) but I couldn't help it. The way I was feeling was so convincing. I started imagining in my mind how we would wait to announce our pregnancy until Christmas, and how awesome it would be to announce it then. I could wrap something up in a little gift to my parents and when they opened it in front of everyone...SURPRISE!!!! It would make seeing my two pregnant sisters at Christmas much more manageable and everything was just falling into place. I calculated my estimated due date and started rethinking names.
So I held off testing until Friday and...
WHITE! All white. I just don't understand. I was devastated and spent most of the day Friday speechless. I just wanted to lie in bed all day and not see or talk to anyone. It is just so unfair and to be honest, I am tired. I am almost ready to just give up trying to conceive and start pursuing adoption.
I just want a child. I want to see the magic of Christmas in our child's eye, I want to watch Pace putting together all the new toys on Christmas day and then having to console our child because daddy is playing with all the toys and s/he hasn't had a chance to. LOL
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am just so darn frustrated I could scream.
AF came yesterday, so if I have a repeat cycle this month and ovulate around day 11 again, that would put my test date VERY close to Christmas Eve. I am terrified because I know that as the time gets closer, I will talk myself into the fact that this will be our month, I will take the test on Christmas morning and we will get our little Christmas miracle. It will be the best Christmas ever and God has picked this special time of year to reveal our miracle...and then the test will be NEGATIVE and I will be devastated and miserable for Christmas.
I just wish I could turn off my brain. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this infertility crap.
We went up to a natural hot spring which was AWESOME! The water was the perfect temperature and it was exhilarating to be outside in the elements when it is 40 degrees outside and strip down to my bathing suit and jump in. Brrrrrr!
Pace spent a lot of his time splitting wood with his dad. Their main source of heat in the house is a wood burning stove, so splitting wood is a very important chore! We befriended a little squirrel that lives in my FIL's backyard. Pace named him Merl - I love him - isn't that adorable!
We took walks back into the woods, ate organic food, plucked feathers out of the turkey and had a deer walk through the backyard literally 10 feet away from us. It was so relaxing and was just a wonderful trip.
However, I wasn't really feeling very well. I was extremely tired the entire trip and man were my bb's sore!!! I just kind of felt like I was in a funk. So of course, I immediately thought exactly what you all are probably thinking now. That I was pregnant. I really tried not to get my hopes up because I didn't want to be devastated (again) but I couldn't help it. The way I was feeling was so convincing. I started imagining in my mind how we would wait to announce our pregnancy until Christmas, and how awesome it would be to announce it then. I could wrap something up in a little gift to my parents and when they opened it in front of everyone...SURPRISE!!!! It would make seeing my two pregnant sisters at Christmas much more manageable and everything was just falling into place. I calculated my estimated due date and started rethinking names.
So I held off testing until Friday and...
WHITE! All white. I just don't understand. I was devastated and spent most of the day Friday speechless. I just wanted to lie in bed all day and not see or talk to anyone. It is just so unfair and to be honest, I am tired. I am almost ready to just give up trying to conceive and start pursuing adoption.
I just want a child. I want to see the magic of Christmas in our child's eye, I want to watch Pace putting together all the new toys on Christmas day and then having to console our child because daddy is playing with all the toys and s/he hasn't had a chance to. LOL
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am just so darn frustrated I could scream.
AF came yesterday, so if I have a repeat cycle this month and ovulate around day 11 again, that would put my test date VERY close to Christmas Eve. I am terrified because I know that as the time gets closer, I will talk myself into the fact that this will be our month, I will take the test on Christmas morning and we will get our little Christmas miracle. It will be the best Christmas ever and God has picked this special time of year to reveal our miracle...and then the test will be NEGATIVE and I will be devastated and miserable for Christmas.
I just wish I could turn off my brain. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this infertility crap.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I'm off...
I am leaving tonight for Idaho, and won't be back until Thanksgiving day. I don't know if I will have the opportunity to be on the computer while we are gone, so I wanted to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I know that dealing with IF makes it very hard to be thankful for things, but I suggest making a list. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for - I know that it sure is helping me get through this week!
I am thankful for:
My blogger and other internet friends who support me and my struggle with infertility from all parts of the world. I am so thankful that I have people that I can pour out my struggles to and not be shamed, or given crappy assvice! LOL
My husband. IF has made some areas of our marriage VERY strained, but he has never given up on me. When I am crazy on fertility meds, or when I am thinking of my miscarriage and I can't stop crying, he never leaves my side. I love that man and someday he is going to make some child(ren) very lucky by being the best dad!
My friends IRL. I have had some really crappy friends in the past, but this last year has opened doors for me to meet some of the most amazing men and women. I am so grateful that I can call these people friends!
Job security - In this very scary economy I am SO thankful that we both have job security...at least for now.
My family - They really have been wonderful. They try to understand my infertility as much as they can, for the most part, they just listen. Which is sometimes all I want/need.
My increasing health - This year my periods have returned on their own, I started ovulating on my own AND I am well on my way to my very first EVER 27 day cycle. - Incredible!
My Faith - This, above all has allowed me to continue this journey. I am so thankful that I serve a Lord that is forgiving, a Lord that never looks at my past to determine my future and a Lord that loves me where I am.
God Bless each and every one of you. May you all have safe travels and a very Happy Thanksgiving!
I am thankful for:
My blogger and other internet friends who support me and my struggle with infertility from all parts of the world. I am so thankful that I have people that I can pour out my struggles to and not be shamed, or given crappy assvice! LOL
My husband. IF has made some areas of our marriage VERY strained, but he has never given up on me. When I am crazy on fertility meds, or when I am thinking of my miscarriage and I can't stop crying, he never leaves my side. I love that man and someday he is going to make some child(ren) very lucky by being the best dad!
My friends IRL. I have had some really crappy friends in the past, but this last year has opened doors for me to meet some of the most amazing men and women. I am so grateful that I can call these people friends!
Job security - In this very scary economy I am SO thankful that we both have job security...at least for now.
My family - They really have been wonderful. They try to understand my infertility as much as they can, for the most part, they just listen. Which is sometimes all I want/need.
My increasing health - This year my periods have returned on their own, I started ovulating on my own AND I am well on my way to my very first EVER 27 day cycle. - Incredible!
My Faith - This, above all has allowed me to continue this journey. I am so thankful that I serve a Lord that is forgiving, a Lord that never looks at my past to determine my future and a Lord that loves me where I am.
God Bless each and every one of you. May you all have safe travels and a very Happy Thanksgiving!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Pictures...as promised.
OK - a week ago I promised that I would post some pics - so here they are. BTW - the profile picture was taken of Pace and I just hours after we found out we were pregnant with our angel baby.
This is the sign I painted for our friend "J" who was on leave from Iraq
Pic of Pace and I camping
Pace and I with our riding gear - Riding in the mountains of Arizona!
That is all for know. Still in the 2WW. Trying VERY hard to not test early!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Bucket List
My blogger friend Nikki tagged me today. I haven't seen the movie Bucket List, however I understand the theme and that is going to be the theme of this post.
10 things I want to do before I die:
1. Be a mom to an earth baby...a human one. I think that goes without saying.
2. Take my husband to Switzerland. I visited this beautiful country when I was in high school, and I want to badly to share the beauty and history with the love of my life.
3. Renew my vows in the Christian church. When we got married, we hadn't found a church yet. Although we had a "Christian" ceremony, we were not married in a church, and someday I would love to walk down the "aisle" in a real church with my husband standing in front.
4. Go on a cruise. We never really went on a honeymoon, and I would love to go on a cruise with my hubby and pretend like it is our honeymoon all over again.
5. Write a book. I love to write. It is therapeutic and that is the whole reason I started a blog. I would love to write a book about my life sometime, the ups, the downs, the infertility all of it.
6. Not worry about finances. I don't want to be "rich" I don't want to have so much money that I blow it on silly insignificant things. I just want to be comfortable. I want to know that if I want to donate $100, I can. That if I have a miscarriage and haven't met my insurance deductible yet, that I can pay it off in one lump sum and not have it put a dent in my account. I just want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to worry about having enough money to cover our living expenses.
7. I want to be a spokesperson for infertiles. I want to travel and educate people especially insurance companies and state legislatures. I want to be a part of mandated infertility treatment coverage for everyone, in every state.
8. I want to be happy with my appearance. Thanks to my PCOS, I have gained a substantial amount of weight since meeting my husband. I managed to lose 35 pounds last year, and so far have managed to keep 30 of it off. However, I am still very critical of how I look. I am not sure who I am trying to impress, or what I am trying to prove. I just want to look in the mirror and think "Dang...I look hot today!" "you go girl"
9. Travel the world. There are so many things out there to see, to experience, to learn about. I want to take a year and just travel the world. Hopping from country to country and learn as much as I can about this beautiful planet I live on.
10. Buy my family farm. I have absolutely no intentions of ever living on my family farm, but I want to have enough money to purchase it when the day comes that my parents get to go be with Jesus. I don't want it to turn into a dilapidated farm, or to have it go to someone else that doesn't appreciate it. My grandfather built that house and it needs to stay in the family.
So...there is my bucket list. I am not going to tag anyone in particular, but this really is a neat thing to do...so if you feel so inclined...be my guest!
10 things I want to do before I die:
1. Be a mom to an earth baby...a human one. I think that goes without saying.
2. Take my husband to Switzerland. I visited this beautiful country when I was in high school, and I want to badly to share the beauty and history with the love of my life.
3. Renew my vows in the Christian church. When we got married, we hadn't found a church yet. Although we had a "Christian" ceremony, we were not married in a church, and someday I would love to walk down the "aisle" in a real church with my husband standing in front.
4. Go on a cruise. We never really went on a honeymoon, and I would love to go on a cruise with my hubby and pretend like it is our honeymoon all over again.
5. Write a book. I love to write. It is therapeutic and that is the whole reason I started a blog. I would love to write a book about my life sometime, the ups, the downs, the infertility all of it.
6. Not worry about finances. I don't want to be "rich" I don't want to have so much money that I blow it on silly insignificant things. I just want to be comfortable. I want to know that if I want to donate $100, I can. That if I have a miscarriage and haven't met my insurance deductible yet, that I can pay it off in one lump sum and not have it put a dent in my account. I just want to be comfortable. I don't want to have to worry about having enough money to cover our living expenses.
7. I want to be a spokesperson for infertiles. I want to travel and educate people especially insurance companies and state legislatures. I want to be a part of mandated infertility treatment coverage for everyone, in every state.
8. I want to be happy with my appearance. Thanks to my PCOS, I have gained a substantial amount of weight since meeting my husband. I managed to lose 35 pounds last year, and so far have managed to keep 30 of it off. However, I am still very critical of how I look. I am not sure who I am trying to impress, or what I am trying to prove. I just want to look in the mirror and think "Dang...I look hot today!" "you go girl"
9. Travel the world. There are so many things out there to see, to experience, to learn about. I want to take a year and just travel the world. Hopping from country to country and learn as much as I can about this beautiful planet I live on.
10. Buy my family farm. I have absolutely no intentions of ever living on my family farm, but I want to have enough money to purchase it when the day comes that my parents get to go be with Jesus. I don't want it to turn into a dilapidated farm, or to have it go to someone else that doesn't appreciate it. My grandfather built that house and it needs to stay in the family.
So...there is my bucket list. I am not going to tag anyone in particular, but this really is a neat thing to do...so if you feel so inclined...be my guest!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Infertile Mas.ochist
That's right folks...as I was warming up my lunch here at work...I was struck by something and just had to let you all in on it.
Infertility is turning me into a mas.ochist!
As I was in the kitchen warming up my lunch, I caught myself thinking "hey...my bb's are still pretty sore today" Then I thought..."Dang, I wish they were more sore"
Seriously...During the 2ww I spend a great portion of my day wishing for the following:
Implantation cramping
Sore nipples
Headaches
Cramping
Nausea
Bleeding Gums
and the list goes on.
As I look at this list I think "SERIOUSLY???????" It is frightening how utterly miserable I want to feel in order to be over the moon happy.
It's sick - it really is. I can not believe that I have succumbed to this and that I am actually happy when I feel crappy during the 2ww.
It is just a little humorous and a little more disturbing isn't it...but...the best part of it is...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
If you are fertility challenged and are reading this blog - you feel the same way!
HA!!!!
So all those thoughts of how crazy I sound when you were first reading the blog...apply to you as well.
LOL
Hey...misery loves company right?!
But out of all seriousness...it really is a little disturbing!
Infertility is turning me into a mas.ochist!
As I was in the kitchen warming up my lunch, I caught myself thinking "hey...my bb's are still pretty sore today" Then I thought..."Dang, I wish they were more sore"
Seriously...During the 2ww I spend a great portion of my day wishing for the following:
Implantation cramping
Sore nipples
Headaches
Cramping
Nausea
Bleeding Gums
and the list goes on.
As I look at this list I think "SERIOUSLY???????" It is frightening how utterly miserable I want to feel in order to be over the moon happy.
It's sick - it really is. I can not believe that I have succumbed to this and that I am actually happy when I feel crappy during the 2ww.
It is just a little humorous and a little more disturbing isn't it...but...the best part of it is...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
If you are fertility challenged and are reading this blog - you feel the same way!
HA!!!!
So all those thoughts of how crazy I sound when you were first reading the blog...apply to you as well.
LOL
Hey...misery loves company right?!
But out of all seriousness...it really is a little disturbing!
Monday, November 17, 2008
4DPO
I had a great weekend. It was exhausting and I have a cold now, but overall it was a great weekend. We spent the weekend with good friends. We went to a zoo on Saturday and then yesterday we all went shooting. It was fun - I like shooting guns. Especially when I can hit the one target that NONE of the guys could hit. Haha!!!
It was a little bittersweet because now my friends "T&J" are gone - J is going back to the war and I don't know when I will ever see them again. "T" is moving to Hawaii in Jan in order to get on the list for housing there so that when J gets back from the war he will have a home to come home to. I am going to miss them so much!!!
Having a cold has really drained me and I have been doing more sleeping lately than I should..but I don't mind. I LOVE to sleep!
Pace talked to his father and it looks like we may get a Thanksgiving dinner now. I guess plans have changed and we may be having Thanksgiving dinner on Wed. night instead. That would be awesome!
Today I am 4DPO - nothing too exciting going on. My bb's are a little sore today, but I am not reading into it. I am just going to keep on living like nothing is going on. I am not going to quit drinking coffee, I am not going to deny myself of anything during this 2ww. Call me selfish, call me ignorant, whatever, but after almost 4 years of being careful and getting nothing in return - I am going to be a rebel and see where that gets me.
It was a little bittersweet because now my friends "T&J" are gone - J is going back to the war and I don't know when I will ever see them again. "T" is moving to Hawaii in Jan in order to get on the list for housing there so that when J gets back from the war he will have a home to come home to. I am going to miss them so much!!!
Having a cold has really drained me and I have been doing more sleeping lately than I should..but I don't mind. I LOVE to sleep!
Pace talked to his father and it looks like we may get a Thanksgiving dinner now. I guess plans have changed and we may be having Thanksgiving dinner on Wed. night instead. That would be awesome!
Today I am 4DPO - nothing too exciting going on. My bb's are a little sore today, but I am not reading into it. I am just going to keep on living like nothing is going on. I am not going to quit drinking coffee, I am not going to deny myself of anything during this 2ww. Call me selfish, call me ignorant, whatever, but after almost 4 years of being careful and getting nothing in return - I am going to be a rebel and see where that gets me.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Update for the day
Just tested...Houston we have ovulation. This is absolutely crazy. I have NEVER ovulated this early.
In June I ovualated on CD22
In July I ovulated on CD18
In August I was pg - so no ovulation
In September I was too depressed to monitor ovulation
In October I did not detect ovulation
November...I am ovulating on Day11!!! I am well on my way to a 27 day cycle. I HAVE NEVER HAD A 27 DAY CYCLE. (Well except when I was taking Provera to bring on AF) Holy crap! I am just over the moon. My body is doing something right!
So...that means I will be testing on Thanksgiving. Woopie. At least we will be traveling on Thanksgiving and not around family and such. I hope I have a lot more to be thankful for this year!!!
In June I ovualated on CD22
In July I ovulated on CD18
In August I was pg - so no ovulation
In September I was too depressed to monitor ovulation
In October I did not detect ovulation
November...I am ovulating on Day11!!! I am well on my way to a 27 day cycle. I HAVE NEVER HAD A 27 DAY CYCLE. (Well except when I was taking Provera to bring on AF) Holy crap! I am just over the moon. My body is doing something right!
So...that means I will be testing on Thanksgiving. Woopie. At least we will be traveling on Thanksgiving and not around family and such. I hope I have a lot more to be thankful for this year!!!
I like to procrastinate
I know I haven't written in a while. I hate it when I go this long without writing. There were so many things I wanted to write about, but I wanted to attach photos as well...and I just haven 't downloaded my camera darn it. So... I am updating. I am writing with no pictures to add, but at least I am writing.
Warning...this will be a long post LOL.
Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.
Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).
So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."
I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!
On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.
We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.
Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.
Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.
I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.
Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different way...in a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier.
Whew.....so that is my update...wow sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!
Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!
Warning...this will be a long post LOL.
Pace and I had a garage sale Saturday morning. It was fun - we got to hang out with some of our neighbors and we made a little money off of our junk. We didn't have a lot to sell, but we sold a lot of our stuff. While Pace was slanging our junk, I painted a Welcome Back sign for our friend "J" who is back from Iraq. (This is where a picture would REALLY come in handy) I will try and get those posted cause I am really proud of the sign.
Then Saturday night we had a little party for our friend "J". We had so much fun. We had friends over that we had not seen in a really long time. Overall it was a very successful night. We had drinks, snacky foods and lots of conversation. I think a fun time was had by all.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will remember my friend "B" that I lost in our early stages of IF. It was heartbreaking because not only did I lose my best friend, but I also lost all of the friends I had met through her as well as her family. Well...we went to dinner about a month and a half ago and have forgiven each other and moved on. I am SO happy she is back in my life. I have missed her and her husband so much. It is like things are just how they should be right now (of course except the baby thing).
So Sunday we all went off-roading together. A big group of us went out to the mountainous desert and made a day of it. We had 2 jeeps, 2 rhinos and 3 quads all out enjoying the beautiful scenery, the even more beautiful weather and the great companionship. I got to catch up with people that I haven't seen in 2 years and meet new people as well.
I am kind of a chicken when it comes to doing daredevil stuff. My husband would love to take me me off road more often, but I have this major anxiety issue (even more so since my miscarriage)
I get so nervous, I yell at him to
"slow down"
"take it easy"
"it's too bumpy"
"...Oh My Gosh! You hit a squirrel."
I can kind of get frantic, usually I end up in tears and my poor husband is frustrated beyond belief. Then I feel guilty for ruining the trip for him and feel the need to make it up to him later. This time...I did really good. There were a few times I started freaking, but thankfully I was able to calm myself and bring myself back into reality. It was so nice to be out there without any major panic attacks. I think that shows HUGE improvement!
On the baby front, no real news. Still waiting for ovulation. I am really enjoying not being on any hormonal drugs this month. It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking and how much more rational I am. I am really at peace with these next few months and I am just going to keep the faith that maybe this break is just what we need to get pregnant.
We hung our Memory Box. In the living room. During the party on Saturday, it was a great conversation piece. It brought a few tears, but it also brought some great comfort as well. I love looking at it when I am sitting in the living room. It has just really helped me gain closure so that I can move on without the fear of forgetting.
Pace and I decided to head to the snow for Thanksgiving. We are finally going to see his dad in Idaho. I am excited to see the snow, Pace says he is going to take me skiing, which TERRIFIES me! I have never done any sort of snow sport, I have never been on a ski lift and just thinking about it makes my hands go ice cold and my heart skip a beat. The crappy thing is that we will miss out on Thanksgiving dinner. We have to leave on Thanksgiving day, so we will be traveling while they are having dinner, so I think Pace and I will have a dinner of our own at our house on Friday with Pace's mom and little sister.
Pace and I are working on a little (ok...kind of a big) backyard project right now. We are building a built in fire pit. We did the pavers last summer - bad idea. Yard work when it is 110 degrees outside is NOT a good idea, but we did it. So a few weeks ago we did the concrete work for the foundation for the seating. Then we went and bought the block to build the seat and also the veneer stone we will use to cover the seating. All of this is lying in our backyard in true construction site style. It is kind of a mess right now, but I know it is going to look amazing when it is done.
I went to the Women's Crisis Pregnancy Center that I guess I am still a director at yesterday. After my miscarriage, I just couldn't return there. I went there to drop off some paperwork and it really was wonderful seeing my fellow volunteers. My stomach was tied in knots as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, but thankfully there were no pregnant clients there and I immediately snuck back to the back office to visit with everyone so I didn't run the chance of seeing any clients. I miss the women there, I don't miss the clients, I don't miss the pain and heartache...but I miss the women I worked with there. They are some of the most amazing Christian women I have ever met. I am still unsure as to when/if I will ever return as a volunteer.
Pace and I are getting involved in our church. We have been members for a few years, but have only attended church once since our miscarriage. It is so hard and I just end up a crying, blubbering mess. So we decided to get involved in a different way...in a way we haven't been involved before. So we are going to a meeting tonight to see how we can help out with an upcoming car show. I figured this way we can meet some people, build up a network and hopefully that will make the transition to consistently going to church a little easier.
Whew.....so that is my update...wow sorry it is so long. I will post pics of the sign, our backyard project and maybe a few from our party when I finally get the camera downloaded!
Even though I haven't been posting, I have been reading all of your posts and am praying for each and every one of you!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Humbled
I am totally taken back and humbled by all of the support from you...my blog readers...most of you are strangers to me in real life, but know me better than most of my in real life friends. Thank you for encouraging me to "be me" and to post honestly about where I am in the moment. You are some of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to "meet" and I thank you.
AF arrived. I am SO thankful that this cycle is over. I am looking forward to the next two cycles. We are going au natural this time and I am really looking forward to seeing what my body does without drugs. I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to look at this as more of an experiment than anything.
Halloween wasn't as hard this year as last year. We had Pace's little sister and he stayed home to hand out candy while I took her trick or treating. She was so much fun and looked absolutely adorable. We didn't have very many kids come, so we have TONS of candy left over (yeah) that has really come in handy with AF being in town.
My dear friend "J" is back in the states from Iraq. It was so awesome to see pics of him and his wife together again (finally) he is back in town for 2 weeks and then will go back to Iraq for 3 months. I wish he could just stay here. I hate him being over there and I know his wife does too. I can't wait to see him - we are going to throw him a little "WELCOME HOME" party on Saturday.
Pace and I made a memory box for our angel baby a few days ago. I cried like a baby putting it together. It just seemed so final. We haven't really decided where we are going to hang it, we thought about keeping it in our bedroom because I really think some people think I am loony for taking this whole miscarriage thing as far as I have. After all...miscarriages are common...why am I making such a big deal about it? My answer to that is...I waited and struggled for this child for 3 and a half years. Our angel baby may be the closest we will ever get to a biological child and s/he WAS a child. OUR child. I don't want anyone to forget. I don't want to forget. Our baby deserves to have a place on our wall since s/he will never have a place in the nursery.
My friend Jess (who has 3 angel babies herself) suggests that we hang it in our living room. Hang it proudly and always know that our little baby is right there with us. I think I agree with her. The whole point of doing the memory box is so that we will remember...so...here it is...it isn't hung up yet, but will be soon.
AF arrived. I am SO thankful that this cycle is over. I am looking forward to the next two cycles. We are going au natural this time and I am really looking forward to seeing what my body does without drugs. I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to look at this as more of an experiment than anything.
Halloween wasn't as hard this year as last year. We had Pace's little sister and he stayed home to hand out candy while I took her trick or treating. She was so much fun and looked absolutely adorable. We didn't have very many kids come, so we have TONS of candy left over (yeah) that has really come in handy with AF being in town.
My dear friend "J" is back in the states from Iraq. It was so awesome to see pics of him and his wife together again (finally) he is back in town for 2 weeks and then will go back to Iraq for 3 months. I wish he could just stay here. I hate him being over there and I know his wife does too. I can't wait to see him - we are going to throw him a little "WELCOME HOME" party on Saturday.
Pace and I made a memory box for our angel baby a few days ago. I cried like a baby putting it together. It just seemed so final. We haven't really decided where we are going to hang it, we thought about keeping it in our bedroom because I really think some people think I am loony for taking this whole miscarriage thing as far as I have. After all...miscarriages are common...why am I making such a big deal about it? My answer to that is...I waited and struggled for this child for 3 and a half years. Our angel baby may be the closest we will ever get to a biological child and s/he WAS a child. OUR child. I don't want anyone to forget. I don't want to forget. Our baby deserves to have a place on our wall since s/he will never have a place in the nursery.
My friend Jess (who has 3 angel babies herself) suggests that we hang it in our living room. Hang it proudly and always know that our little baby is right there with us. I think I agree with her. The whole point of doing the memory box is so that we will remember...so...here it is...it isn't hung up yet, but will be soon.
The thing on the left is the poem that I wrote 3 days after my miscarriage. My two positive pregnancy tests are in there, there is a calendar saying from my desk calendar for August 9th, 2008 - the day I found out I was pregnant. The pacifier is part of the "congratulations" package we received from OBGYN, the footprints at the bottom is part of the program from the "Walk to Remember" we participated in a few weeks ago. The cross I bought and painted and the roses are from the flowers we received from Jess and her husband when we found out we were pregnant. I love this box. Every time I see it, I smile. (and then usually cry) but I am sure that will pass....someday.
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