So life is just absolutely crazy right now. Work is probably the most peaceful place for me to be and that says a lot cause work is STRESSFUL!!! Our foreign exchange student is back and just as I expected...it is NOT working. ALREADY! Pace is pissed off all the time, I am not sure I remember the last time he and I just sat back and had fun together. It seems it is all business lately. Home buying, exchange students, work, finances, family yada yada yada.
It is absolutely DRAINING! I mean how much serious stuff can you take before you just crack?
Pace and I are going on vacation this weekend. I can't wait. I am so sick of the heat here. We broke the record number of days over 110 today. What a freakin record! Yep...29 days so far this year with temperatures over 110. GRrrrrr. I just want it to be cool outside, and this weekend, I will at least be able to get a taste of that. We are going to Salt Lake City to see Pace's family. Family that we have not seen in almost 3 years. It will be a good trip. I love staying in hotels...sadly that is the part I am looking forward to the most.
We have been looking at homes. The market here has been nuts for the last couple of years, so right now we are just kind of taking our time, looking at different houses trying to get a feel for what we are looking for, where we want to live and how much we want to spend. I am excited yet a little scared about buying a house. Not only for the financial obligation, but for what it means to our future. I mean we have been saying for the last couple of months that once we buy a house, we will get back to the Dr. and start TTC treatments again. Just the thought of it makes me shutter.
I think about infertility every day, but it doesn't control everything I do. There was a time when we were in the middle of IUI cycles when every single thought I had revolved around TTC. It took me so long to get out of that mentality and frankly, I am scared to start TTC (with treatment) again because I don't want to lose myself to it again. I don't want to become the monster I was. Granted...I still have monster days when seeing a pregnant women, a cute little family walking into a restaurant, or a dad playing catch with his son makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I just can't help it.
We are back in church and dealing all the time with our faith and infertility, and I am learning more and more about myself all the time.
I have been deeply saddened the last couple of weeks as one of my blogger and myspace friends Lara as well as one of my in real life friends are both healing from very sudden and recent miscarriages. Please keep these women in your prayers and ask for peace, and healing for them.
I will post some pics of our vacation when I get back! Have a great Labor Day weekend and I am sorry I haven't been writing much lately...LIFE IS CRAZY!!!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Conversation
I came down with a nasty head cold this week. I am finally feeling a little better today, but I am just really irritable. About what you ask? Everything.
There is something to say about conversation. The way it affects people. And by conversation, I don't mean the new fangled ways of communicating via text, IM, blogs, and chat rooms. I mean true conversation with tone and quality of voice, with pauses and laughs. True conversation. I really miss having a girl friend that I could have conversation with. In college my roommate and I would converse about EVERYTHING! We weren't really good friends, but we were great at conversation. When I moved to AZ, I had a friend "B" that I could have conversation with. She was the type of person that I could pick up a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, go over to her house and stay up until dawn conversing. We have since grown apart, and I have never been able to fill that void.
I feel as if that lack of conversation is just draining me. Or maybe it is filling me, there are so many things I need to get out, but I don't, so I am just filling up with all of the things I want to say, but don't.
There are just some things you can't talk to your husband about. I am tired of talking to him about our infertility because I just don't feel like we are on the same page. When I talk to him about it, I feel like a burden and like I am being completely overly sensitive to the subject. He doesn't make me feel this way, I do. Pace can let thing just roll right off of his back, nothing gets him down, he is almost always in a good mood, and although our infertility is hard for him, it doesn't throw him into the pit of depression that it does me. So I hate to go on and on and on about it.
I guess I just miss having someone I can talk to that will let me cry on their shoulder and not try to tell me how to "fix" things, just sit there and say "Damn Nichole, that really sucks" So many fertile people out there know how to cure my infertility. It kills me sometimes, to the point, I just hate talking about it. I hate talking to my sisters about it especially, and my co-worker "D". IMPOSSIBLE! I love "D", she is probably my best female friend right now, but I just can't talk to her about infertility. She has absolutely no sensitivity to the subject and I am so tired of her stupid comments which she means to be helpful.
On a lighter note, Pace and I have started the hunt for our house. Right now, the market is so crazy here, we are just taking it slow and hoping that house prices will continue to drop. We will get pre-qualified probably in September or October and then start making some offers! I am so excited to have a home to call our own. It is a little stressful, but we are ready!
**Dreamer4Agift - THANK YOU! Thank you for your kind comments and for checking up on me! Keep the prayers comin! I can use them**
There is something to say about conversation. The way it affects people. And by conversation, I don't mean the new fangled ways of communicating via text, IM, blogs, and chat rooms. I mean true conversation with tone and quality of voice, with pauses and laughs. True conversation. I really miss having a girl friend that I could have conversation with. In college my roommate and I would converse about EVERYTHING! We weren't really good friends, but we were great at conversation. When I moved to AZ, I had a friend "B" that I could have conversation with. She was the type of person that I could pick up a bottle of wine and a box of tissues, go over to her house and stay up until dawn conversing. We have since grown apart, and I have never been able to fill that void.
I feel as if that lack of conversation is just draining me. Or maybe it is filling me, there are so many things I need to get out, but I don't, so I am just filling up with all of the things I want to say, but don't.
There are just some things you can't talk to your husband about. I am tired of talking to him about our infertility because I just don't feel like we are on the same page. When I talk to him about it, I feel like a burden and like I am being completely overly sensitive to the subject. He doesn't make me feel this way, I do. Pace can let thing just roll right off of his back, nothing gets him down, he is almost always in a good mood, and although our infertility is hard for him, it doesn't throw him into the pit of depression that it does me. So I hate to go on and on and on about it.
I guess I just miss having someone I can talk to that will let me cry on their shoulder and not try to tell me how to "fix" things, just sit there and say "Damn Nichole, that really sucks" So many fertile people out there know how to cure my infertility. It kills me sometimes, to the point, I just hate talking about it. I hate talking to my sisters about it especially, and my co-worker "D". IMPOSSIBLE! I love "D", she is probably my best female friend right now, but I just can't talk to her about infertility. She has absolutely no sensitivity to the subject and I am so tired of her stupid comments which she means to be helpful.
On a lighter note, Pace and I have started the hunt for our house. Right now, the market is so crazy here, we are just taking it slow and hoping that house prices will continue to drop. We will get pre-qualified probably in September or October and then start making some offers! I am so excited to have a home to call our own. It is a little stressful, but we are ready!
**Dreamer4Agift - THANK YOU! Thank you for your kind comments and for checking up on me! Keep the prayers comin! I can use them**
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Well, I kind of feel like I am back in the saddle again. At least partly. I made an appointment with a hormone specialist. I am not sure if any of you have heard of Sot.to Pel.le, but that is where I am going to go. Since my issues are hormonal, I have decided to do what I can do to get them regulated. Who knows...maybe then I would actually be able to conceive! (or at least lose weight)
Sot.to Pel.le uses bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. They are all natural and are the identical to the actual hormones the body produces (or in my case doesn't produce). I am excited to at least have something to look forward to. I don't feel like I am just wasting time anymore which is a good feeling.
My greatest fear happened this week (well, kind of) I am the youngest of six. All of my brothers and sisters have already had all the children they plan on having. All of them have two children, except for my oldest brother who has three. My sister K, the one that is just older than me has two kids currently, but I always had a sneaky suspicion that she was going to have more.
She had her first daughter before I was even married, so that wasn't a big deal. She got pregnant with her second 3 months after my wedding (Pace and I had been trying for 3 months) I handled it ok - after all, I pretty much knew it was going to take us longer than 3 months to get pg, so it was no big deal. But now this baby has been born, is over a year old and my sister told me on Monday that they are going to try again next year. (Of course she then followed up by saying, well that is when we PLAN on it, but since the first 2 were UNPLANNED, we will just see what happens) *Insert gagging noise here*
I love my sister dearly. She and I have been through so much together and I wish for nothing but the best for her. However, I am absolutely certain that I will be DEVASTATED if she gets pregnant AGAIN while Pace and I are still trying for #1. This is the same sister that offered her eggs to me should we need them - an innocent and very sweet offer, but also kind of a slap in the face. My anxiety surrounding this conversation is growing every day. It makes me feel like I need to do something NOW! I need to start trying again NOW and do everything I can to get pregnant before her. That way I won't have to feel the hurt and jealousy when she makes her pregnancy announcement.
However...I can't do anything. We have decided to wait until next year. I have to wait at LEAST seven more months. I am starting to have dreams of her pregnancy announcement and the initial hate and anger I will feel. I don't WANT to feel this way for my sister, I want to be happy. I WANT to want to throw her a shower I want to be there for her.
Honestly...I am sure she is a little hesitant to get pregnant before me. I am sure she knows how hard it would be for me.
Pace has been working out of state quite a bit lately. I have taken this opportunity to gorge myself on Pizza Rolls every night for dinner. Very healthy - I know. I am all for the "time apart makes the time together more special" theory, however... I MISS MY HUSBAND! I have absolutely no idea how you military wives handle it - you are SO STRONG and my hat is off to you! My sister, R's husband is the special teams coach for a professional football team, and she is a widow 10 months out of the year - I have no idea how she does it, she must have some wonderful friends or something. I just hate being alone. It makes me think too much. My husband makes me laugh, and makes me feel good, and safe. I miss that. Although I am appreciating the undivided attention from my pooches! Haha
Sot.to Pel.le uses bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. They are all natural and are the identical to the actual hormones the body produces (or in my case doesn't produce). I am excited to at least have something to look forward to. I don't feel like I am just wasting time anymore which is a good feeling.
My greatest fear happened this week (well, kind of) I am the youngest of six. All of my brothers and sisters have already had all the children they plan on having. All of them have two children, except for my oldest brother who has three. My sister K, the one that is just older than me has two kids currently, but I always had a sneaky suspicion that she was going to have more.
She had her first daughter before I was even married, so that wasn't a big deal. She got pregnant with her second 3 months after my wedding (Pace and I had been trying for 3 months) I handled it ok - after all, I pretty much knew it was going to take us longer than 3 months to get pg, so it was no big deal. But now this baby has been born, is over a year old and my sister told me on Monday that they are going to try again next year. (Of course she then followed up by saying, well that is when we PLAN on it, but since the first 2 were UNPLANNED, we will just see what happens) *Insert gagging noise here*
I love my sister dearly. She and I have been through so much together and I wish for nothing but the best for her. However, I am absolutely certain that I will be DEVASTATED if she gets pregnant AGAIN while Pace and I are still trying for #1. This is the same sister that offered her eggs to me should we need them - an innocent and very sweet offer, but also kind of a slap in the face. My anxiety surrounding this conversation is growing every day. It makes me feel like I need to do something NOW! I need to start trying again NOW and do everything I can to get pregnant before her. That way I won't have to feel the hurt and jealousy when she makes her pregnancy announcement.
However...I can't do anything. We have decided to wait until next year. I have to wait at LEAST seven more months. I am starting to have dreams of her pregnancy announcement and the initial hate and anger I will feel. I don't WANT to feel this way for my sister, I want to be happy. I WANT to want to throw her a shower I want to be there for her.
Honestly...I am sure she is a little hesitant to get pregnant before me. I am sure she knows how hard it would be for me.
Pace has been working out of state quite a bit lately. I have taken this opportunity to gorge myself on Pizza Rolls every night for dinner. Very healthy - I know. I am all for the "time apart makes the time together more special" theory, however... I MISS MY HUSBAND! I have absolutely no idea how you military wives handle it - you are SO STRONG and my hat is off to you! My sister, R's husband is the special teams coach for a professional football team, and she is a widow 10 months out of the year - I have no idea how she does it, she must have some wonderful friends or something. I just hate being alone. It makes me think too much. My husband makes me laugh, and makes me feel good, and safe. I miss that. Although I am appreciating the undivided attention from my pooches! Haha
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Update on Little Miss Negative (pun intended)
I can't believe it has been almost three weeks since I have blogged. I don't have any good excuses, I just haven't felt like blogging.
Lucky for you all that still read this, I mainly feel like writing when I am in a crappy mood. So...you all get to see the lovely side of me all the time.
Everything just sucks right now. Work is so hard and busy right now cause we have new owners and it has just been a nightmare. I am constantly busy (also a reason for me not blogging as much), the new owners know NOTHING about the business and I am just tired of always having to carry such a heavy load at work.
Pace and I have decided to wait until next spring to start trying to conceive again. I am devastated. Logically, I know it makes the most sense, after all, we are buying a house in December or January and trying to conceive while trying to buy our first home may just put me over the edge. But at the same time, It just breaks my heart. I no longer belong to any group. I am not in the "trying to conceive" group, I am not in the "IVF" group, in the "2WW", in the "adoption" group....nothing. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
I had a dream this morning that for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and IMMEDIATELY it came up POSITIVE! I peed on another test and yelled for Pace to come into the room. He looked at it and hugged me, we hugged and we cried and then immediately started calling our families. It was everything I had ever imagined, but will most likely never experience. Even if we do get pregnant, it will so be so planned, and I will know almost immediately with BETA tests and everything else. So when I woke up this morning, I had to try to rebound from the utter devastation while still half asleep. I am not sure what brought on the dream, I had been doing so well, I can't even remember the last time I had a "baby" dream. IT SUCKED!
One of my very dear friends and his son are moving away from us. He and I went to High School together and hadn't spoken in about 6 years when we found each other again on Myspace and realized he lived in only 20 minutes away from me! Talk about crazy! So for the last year and a half, we have really become close. His son calls Pace's little sister HIS little sister. It is so cute! They have just become a part of our family and now I am so sad that they are leaving. They are moving only like 5 or 6 hours away...but still. It is rare that I am ever 30 minutes away from home, let alone 5 or 6 hours!
My responsibilities at the women's center are really kicking my butt as well. I told the Exec. Director months ago, that I really wanted to cut back on my counseling hours because it is too hard for me to counsel women facing unplanned pregnancies, women who are wanting abortions etc., well...my counseling hours have NOT been cut back and have actually just increased because she has been ill. I know that my services there are much needed and that I have obligated myself to be there, but it is just becoming too much. I already work 50 hours a week at my job, then I am at the womens center every Tuesday evening counseling. I get phone calls every day either when I am at work or when I am at home, I get 5-10 emails every day and things are ALWAYS in a constant state of change there which makes training (which is what I am supposed to be in charge of) VERY difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out there.
Pace and I have started going back to church thanks to my dear friend Grace and her husband. I am so glad to be back. I cry every Sunday, without fail, but for some reason, it helps. I am still angry with God, I don't know when I will get over that, but at least I am at a point where I can tell him that I am angry with him. I am at least communicating with him at this point.
I am just in a very tough season right now. I feel very lost, and feel like my mind and my heart are just full of turmoil. I just want to go to some distant island and stay there until next spring.
I am still going to the gym and LOVING it! For the first time in my life I am actually enjoying working out! - See...there is a positive thing. I am not completely Little Miss Negative!
Aren't you glad I started writing again? You all missed my depressing antics didn't you?
Lucky for you all that still read this, I mainly feel like writing when I am in a crappy mood. So...you all get to see the lovely side of me all the time.
Everything just sucks right now. Work is so hard and busy right now cause we have new owners and it has just been a nightmare. I am constantly busy (also a reason for me not blogging as much), the new owners know NOTHING about the business and I am just tired of always having to carry such a heavy load at work.
Pace and I have decided to wait until next spring to start trying to conceive again. I am devastated. Logically, I know it makes the most sense, after all, we are buying a house in December or January and trying to conceive while trying to buy our first home may just put me over the edge. But at the same time, It just breaks my heart. I no longer belong to any group. I am not in the "trying to conceive" group, I am not in the "IVF" group, in the "2WW", in the "adoption" group....nothing. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
I had a dream this morning that for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test and IMMEDIATELY it came up POSITIVE! I peed on another test and yelled for Pace to come into the room. He looked at it and hugged me, we hugged and we cried and then immediately started calling our families. It was everything I had ever imagined, but will most likely never experience. Even if we do get pregnant, it will so be so planned, and I will know almost immediately with BETA tests and everything else. So when I woke up this morning, I had to try to rebound from the utter devastation while still half asleep. I am not sure what brought on the dream, I had been doing so well, I can't even remember the last time I had a "baby" dream. IT SUCKED!
One of my very dear friends and his son are moving away from us. He and I went to High School together and hadn't spoken in about 6 years when we found each other again on Myspace and realized he lived in only 20 minutes away from me! Talk about crazy! So for the last year and a half, we have really become close. His son calls Pace's little sister HIS little sister. It is so cute! They have just become a part of our family and now I am so sad that they are leaving. They are moving only like 5 or 6 hours away...but still. It is rare that I am ever 30 minutes away from home, let alone 5 or 6 hours!
My responsibilities at the women's center are really kicking my butt as well. I told the Exec. Director months ago, that I really wanted to cut back on my counseling hours because it is too hard for me to counsel women facing unplanned pregnancies, women who are wanting abortions etc., well...my counseling hours have NOT been cut back and have actually just increased because she has been ill. I know that my services there are much needed and that I have obligated myself to be there, but it is just becoming too much. I already work 50 hours a week at my job, then I am at the womens center every Tuesday evening counseling. I get phone calls every day either when I am at work or when I am at home, I get 5-10 emails every day and things are ALWAYS in a constant state of change there which makes training (which is what I am supposed to be in charge of) VERY difficult. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out there.
Pace and I have started going back to church thanks to my dear friend Grace and her husband. I am so glad to be back. I cry every Sunday, without fail, but for some reason, it helps. I am still angry with God, I don't know when I will get over that, but at least I am at a point where I can tell him that I am angry with him. I am at least communicating with him at this point.
I am just in a very tough season right now. I feel very lost, and feel like my mind and my heart are just full of turmoil. I just want to go to some distant island and stay there until next spring.
I am still going to the gym and LOVING it! For the first time in my life I am actually enjoying working out! - See...there is a positive thing. I am not completely Little Miss Negative!
Aren't you glad I started writing again? You all missed my depressing antics didn't you?
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Life update
This week, I have found multiple topics of conversation and things that I would like to share with all of you out here in blogger world with me, so here we go!
Exercising
Pace bought me a gym membership for my birthday (don't try to cyber-smack him...that is what I ASKED for for my birthday) and last night was the first time I ventured in. I have always been afraid of the gym. Not because it would become a clear reality how out of shape I was, not because I would have to work out next to Barbie (ok...that had a little to do with it) but mostly because of my social anxiety. My fear of being in public with a large group of strangers.
So last night I conquered that fear and I walked into the gym with my head held high and my stomach in my throat. It really was not as bad as I thought! It was actually fun, and I actually look forward to going tomorrow. I am sore in places I never paid much attention to, but it feels great!
Boating
That's right folks...boating...and swimming...in wild water. If you followed my past link "social anxiety" you already know that I am terrified of the water. I learned to swim only about 6 years ago, and still don't care to be in water so deep that my feet don't touch the ground. However, another fear conquered this week! Pace and I went out on a boat with my co-worker and her husband this week and I JUMPED IN THE WATER....AND SWAM!!! I know...I can hardly believe it too, but it was really nice! Being out on the water, on the jet boat, it really was a lot of fun and I really look forward to doing it again.
Work
All I can say is CHANGE SUCKS! My company (of which I have helped build over the last 6.5 years) was sold last week to a new guy. And when I say new guy...I mean NEW. He knows nothing about the service we provide (flood and fire damage restoration) he doesn't know how to work with Quick.books, he doesn't even know how to check his email, but I am working for HIM! Grrrrr! It is so frustrating. Meanwhile, my previous (pretty cool) bosses are out spending their millions while I am pining away with the old man who doesn't know a damn thing about what I do all day.
Infertility
You didn't think I would leave THAT out now did you??? Pace and I talked a little bit about our future and having children. He would like to try IVF before we try adoption and he wants to wait until spring of next year. We are buying a house in Dec. or Jan. and he wants to get moved in before we start up again.
Now...this really struck me and made me realize how much infertility really changes a person. I am a fairly logical person. I think decisions through...almost to a fault. I am rarely spontaneous (it takes a couple fruity drinks to get me to be spontaneous), I think I am intelligent and a well rounded person. Pace is also well rounded and intelligent, but he is also very spontaneous, he likes to "fly by the seat of his pants" he doesn't always think decisions through, but that is ok. We compliment each other well and we make it work beautifully.
But during this discussion I realized that when it comes to infertility, our roles are reversed. I am being completely illogical, not making much sense, not making wise decisions and being a total emotional wreck. Pace on the other hand is cool as a cucumber. When we talk about infertility decisions, he is very matter of fact and has really given these decisions a lot of thought. He has thought through the end of the year, the buying of a house, the whole nine yards, and all I can think about are babies.
I surprise myself sometimes...sometimes I don't know who I am anymore....
working out...
boating...
swimming...
new hair color...
tattoos...
Very unlike me.
Yep.
I have lost the old me.
Exercising
Pace bought me a gym membership for my birthday (don't try to cyber-smack him...that is what I ASKED for for my birthday) and last night was the first time I ventured in. I have always been afraid of the gym. Not because it would become a clear reality how out of shape I was, not because I would have to work out next to Barbie (ok...that had a little to do with it) but mostly because of my social anxiety. My fear of being in public with a large group of strangers.
So last night I conquered that fear and I walked into the gym with my head held high and my stomach in my throat. It really was not as bad as I thought! It was actually fun, and I actually look forward to going tomorrow. I am sore in places I never paid much attention to, but it feels great!
Boating
That's right folks...boating...and swimming...in wild water. If you followed my past link "social anxiety" you already know that I am terrified of the water. I learned to swim only about 6 years ago, and still don't care to be in water so deep that my feet don't touch the ground. However, another fear conquered this week! Pace and I went out on a boat with my co-worker and her husband this week and I JUMPED IN THE WATER....AND SWAM!!! I know...I can hardly believe it too, but it was really nice! Being out on the water, on the jet boat, it really was a lot of fun and I really look forward to doing it again.
Work
All I can say is CHANGE SUCKS! My company (of which I have helped build over the last 6.5 years) was sold last week to a new guy. And when I say new guy...I mean NEW. He knows nothing about the service we provide (flood and fire damage restoration) he doesn't know how to work with Quick.books, he doesn't even know how to check his email, but I am working for HIM! Grrrrr! It is so frustrating. Meanwhile, my previous (pretty cool) bosses are out spending their millions while I am pining away with the old man who doesn't know a damn thing about what I do all day.
Infertility
You didn't think I would leave THAT out now did you??? Pace and I talked a little bit about our future and having children. He would like to try IVF before we try adoption and he wants to wait until spring of next year. We are buying a house in Dec. or Jan. and he wants to get moved in before we start up again.
Now...this really struck me and made me realize how much infertility really changes a person. I am a fairly logical person. I think decisions through...almost to a fault. I am rarely spontaneous (it takes a couple fruity drinks to get me to be spontaneous), I think I am intelligent and a well rounded person. Pace is also well rounded and intelligent, but he is also very spontaneous, he likes to "fly by the seat of his pants" he doesn't always think decisions through, but that is ok. We compliment each other well and we make it work beautifully.
But during this discussion I realized that when it comes to infertility, our roles are reversed. I am being completely illogical, not making much sense, not making wise decisions and being a total emotional wreck. Pace on the other hand is cool as a cucumber. When we talk about infertility decisions, he is very matter of fact and has really given these decisions a lot of thought. He has thought through the end of the year, the buying of a house, the whole nine yards, and all I can think about are babies.
I surprise myself sometimes...sometimes I don't know who I am anymore....
working out...
boating...
swimming...
new hair color...
tattoos...
Very unlike me.
Yep.
I have lost the old me.
Monday, July 09, 2007
THE VIDEO
I found this video on a couple of fellow blogger's blogs and I have to tell you, I haven't felt this true, raw emotion for such a long time. It made me realize just how much I mask my feelings about infertility.
So...here it is. The Video! I hope it helps fellow infertiles relate and I hope it helps fertiles understand why we hurt so much!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
So...here it is. The Video! I hope it helps fellow infertiles relate and I hope it helps fertiles understand why we hurt so much!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Birthday Blues
This week has been a tough one. (and it isn't even over yet)
First of all, I had a birthday. I remember when birthdays were fun, when you actually looked forward to them. The last two birthdays have just been painful reminders of one more birthday without kids. One more year to add onto the Trying To Conceive marathon. One more year of failed treatments. All three of my sisters waited until they were 27 or 28 to have kids so they think I am a little crazy for trying so soon in my life. They think 27 is the magical number to have kids. Maybe. For them. But when they wanted to have kids, they just tried for a couple of months and then poof! They were pregnant. Not so for me. I am so scared that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am 28 and the "magical" year for having kids has past me by. Meanwhile, my sisters continue to have children and totally lap me AGAIN on the baby making track.
*Although I MUST say that my husband has been AWESOME to me this birthday! He has really pampered me and totally spoiled me rotten! (I LOVE IT!)
Secondly, I received a call from my mom yesterday to let me know that my aunt was put in a home and is on Hospice care right now. They aren't expecting her to make it through the end of the week. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. That is it. She had no clue she had cancer until about 4 or 5 weeks ago. That is all the warning she (we) had. She tried to fight in the beginning and we thought she was going to beat this, but then last week she got VERY ill and has been in the hospital since. She doesn't know where she is and is very confused. She told my brother that she is just ready to give up. She is in too much pain to keep trying.
This is the same woman who (other than giving birth to her kids) has NEVER been in the hospital. She was the care taker of the family and was such a firecracker! It has been a devastating blow to my family and especially my father. He loves his sister so much!
Thirdly, Pace and I are throwing a birthday party for his little sister. She just turned 2, so we spent the majority of yesterday shopping for her gifts, party treats, birthday cake, Dora The Explorer hats, plates, napkins, banners, etc. I purposely avoid the baby section of any store, but I couldn't avoid it yesterday. We shopped for little girl toys, little girl clothes...it was heartbreaking.
I thought I had been doing so well recently, but yesterday really just set me back. I know that I will be fine on Saturday cause I absolutely love Pace's little sister and it is going to bring me such joy to throw her a birthday party, it is just the planning and shopping that is getting to me.
You know that little voice that says "You should be doing this for your own kid, if you had gotten pregnant when you first started trying you would be planning YOUR child's second birthday"? Well, that damn voice just won't go away. I am hoping that a stiff drink tonight will at least drown her a little bit.
First of all, I had a birthday. I remember when birthdays were fun, when you actually looked forward to them. The last two birthdays have just been painful reminders of one more birthday without kids. One more year to add onto the Trying To Conceive marathon. One more year of failed treatments. All three of my sisters waited until they were 27 or 28 to have kids so they think I am a little crazy for trying so soon in my life. They think 27 is the magical number to have kids. Maybe. For them. But when they wanted to have kids, they just tried for a couple of months and then poof! They were pregnant. Not so for me. I am so scared that one day I am going to wake up and realize that I am 28 and the "magical" year for having kids has past me by. Meanwhile, my sisters continue to have children and totally lap me AGAIN on the baby making track.
*Although I MUST say that my husband has been AWESOME to me this birthday! He has really pampered me and totally spoiled me rotten! (I LOVE IT!)
Secondly, I received a call from my mom yesterday to let me know that my aunt was put in a home and is on Hospice care right now. They aren't expecting her to make it through the end of the week. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. That is it. She had no clue she had cancer until about 4 or 5 weeks ago. That is all the warning she (we) had. She tried to fight in the beginning and we thought she was going to beat this, but then last week she got VERY ill and has been in the hospital since. She doesn't know where she is and is very confused. She told my brother that she is just ready to give up. She is in too much pain to keep trying.
This is the same woman who (other than giving birth to her kids) has NEVER been in the hospital. She was the care taker of the family and was such a firecracker! It has been a devastating blow to my family and especially my father. He loves his sister so much!
Thirdly, Pace and I are throwing a birthday party for his little sister. She just turned 2, so we spent the majority of yesterday shopping for her gifts, party treats, birthday cake, Dora The Explorer hats, plates, napkins, banners, etc. I purposely avoid the baby section of any store, but I couldn't avoid it yesterday. We shopped for little girl toys, little girl clothes...it was heartbreaking.
I thought I had been doing so well recently, but yesterday really just set me back. I know that I will be fine on Saturday cause I absolutely love Pace's little sister and it is going to bring me such joy to throw her a birthday party, it is just the planning and shopping that is getting to me.
You know that little voice that says "You should be doing this for your own kid, if you had gotten pregnant when you first started trying you would be planning YOUR child's second birthday"? Well, that damn voice just won't go away. I am hoping that a stiff drink tonight will at least drown her a little bit.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Stolen
I used to write poetry. I used to write A LOT of poetry. My deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings I have poured out onto paper so many times. However, for some reason, I have not been able to write a poem about my infertility. I attempted to write one poem (which is on this blog) but it was more about my best friend that I lost because of infertility rather than about infertility itself...So, when I met this online friend of mine I instantly felt a connection with her as she has true passion (and an amazing ability) to write poetry. She received some very bad news today. She found out that she will never be able to carry her husband's child, no amount of medical intervention will ever make that dream a reality for her.
My heart aches for her and I am just so sad for her. I wanted to share this poem that she wrote because it truly spells out the dark reality of infertility.
My heart aches for her and I am just so sad for her. I wanted to share this poem that she wrote because it truly spells out the dark reality of infertility.
Stolen
By Sarah A******
I'll never check the calendar smiling, thinking "hey I may be late".
I'll never suprise our parents with the news of their "grandparent" fate.
You've stolen all the joy that making a child is supposed to bring.
You've taken a beautiful moment and turned it into an ugly thing.
I'll never once experience the thrill of the three minute wait.
It's more like a tortured time, when one minute feels like eight.
I'll see there is no line and once again we'll have no child.
I'm bitter, angry and confused and that's to put it mild.
I had visions of telling my husband, a Dad you're soon to be.
To see the look upon his face, his hands on my belly.
We'll never argue over names or the colors for the room.
We'll never giggle over the little kicks that are coming from my womb.
You've taken from me a joy that I'll never get to know.
You've stolen what was rightfully mine, striking a sinking blow.
Why does this happen to me, to my love and to our life?
I didn't see this coming, "mother" belongs right after "wife".
Infertility is the thief that snuck into our lives.
Infertility steals the child from the husbands and the wives.
Infertilty should be a crime but the punishment is not it's own.
It belongs to the couples who suffer, whose child does not come home.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Pics from our trip
I took 144 pictures on our trip!!! Needless to say, I will only post a few of my favs. Hope you all enjoy.
This is a pic of the sign in front of my parents farm - all of us kids bought this for our parents for Christmas a few years ago.
This is a pic of me and my oldest Nephew. He just graduated from High School (This is after a LONG day in the field, please excuse how tired we both look)
This is my handsome hubby on the combine. This was his first harvest!
This is a pic of the sign in front of my parents farm - all of us kids bought this for our parents for Christmas a few years ago.
This is a pic of me and my oldest Nephew. He just graduated from High School (This is after a LONG day in the field, please excuse how tired we both look)
This is my handsome hubby on the combine. This was his first harvest!
This is me in the wheat field (of course holding a piece of wheat)
Dorothy has returned from OZ
I am back from Kansas and I had a WONDERFUL time! This was the most enjoyable trip back home that I can remember. It was great seeing all of my brothers and sisters and my nieces and nephews. I just had a ball.
I was able to sit back and enjoy the slower pace of life. The country life. I miss it so much. I don't know if I would ever want to move back there, but I definately want to move to the outskirts. Out of the hussle and bustle. Somewhere where I can walk out my back door and not stare at a brick wall and the top of my neighbors house. I want to move to a place where people don't hide behind the fences in their backyard and where they actually know their neighbors.
So many things happened on this trip, it is hard to include it all in one blog entry. We flew into Denver, CO and then drove 6 hours to my parents farm. Driving through the country brought back so many memories from my childhood. I had no idea how much I missed that part of the country until I got there. People say hi to you when you walk past them. They say excuse me when they bump into you. They wave at you when they drive past you (and not the middle finger wave either) It is just a completely different way of life there.
The farm that my parents live on has been in my family for 3 generations now. My grandparents built it and raised each of their kids in it. My dad is the youngest, so when he got old enough, he bought the house from my grandparents and raised all 6 of us in it. And it is still there, it will always be home, no matter what. I took some pics that I will post when I have time to actually download my camera.
Being around my sisters and all of my nieces and nephews relit that "must have a baby" flame in me. It made me a little sad actually to hear my sister say "well when I am done having kids I...." I so wish I could just plan to have a kid and then bam! Have a kid. What it would be like to be able to know exactly how far apart your kids will be in age and be able to plan your life around when you want to have kids.
I am not as bitter about it now though, which is nice. I think I have found a little bit of peace as I research all of our options and try to figure out what the heck we are going to do.
We are researching IVF in Europe, Africa and the U.S. We are also looking into adoption. I am waiting for a call back from our Dr. to let me know when the next IVF orientation is. I just feel like I need to be doing something, cause doing nothing is just wasting time. Valuable time that we just don't have.
I will try to write more this weekend and also post some pics from our trip!
I was able to sit back and enjoy the slower pace of life. The country life. I miss it so much. I don't know if I would ever want to move back there, but I definately want to move to the outskirts. Out of the hussle and bustle. Somewhere where I can walk out my back door and not stare at a brick wall and the top of my neighbors house. I want to move to a place where people don't hide behind the fences in their backyard and where they actually know their neighbors.
So many things happened on this trip, it is hard to include it all in one blog entry. We flew into Denver, CO and then drove 6 hours to my parents farm. Driving through the country brought back so many memories from my childhood. I had no idea how much I missed that part of the country until I got there. People say hi to you when you walk past them. They say excuse me when they bump into you. They wave at you when they drive past you (and not the middle finger wave either) It is just a completely different way of life there.
The farm that my parents live on has been in my family for 3 generations now. My grandparents built it and raised each of their kids in it. My dad is the youngest, so when he got old enough, he bought the house from my grandparents and raised all 6 of us in it. And it is still there, it will always be home, no matter what. I took some pics that I will post when I have time to actually download my camera.
Being around my sisters and all of my nieces and nephews relit that "must have a baby" flame in me. It made me a little sad actually to hear my sister say "well when I am done having kids I...." I so wish I could just plan to have a kid and then bam! Have a kid. What it would be like to be able to know exactly how far apart your kids will be in age and be able to plan your life around when you want to have kids.
I am not as bitter about it now though, which is nice. I think I have found a little bit of peace as I research all of our options and try to figure out what the heck we are going to do.
We are researching IVF in Europe, Africa and the U.S. We are also looking into adoption. I am waiting for a call back from our Dr. to let me know when the next IVF orientation is. I just feel like I need to be doing something, cause doing nothing is just wasting time. Valuable time that we just don't have.
I will try to write more this weekend and also post some pics from our trip!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Epiphanies, smileys and needs.
I want to start off by sincerely thanking Serenity for her post today. It really helped me put into perspective what I have been trying to say for so long but haven't been able to.
I have often wondered why Infertility has changed every aspect of my life. Why I have lost so many friends because of it, why I feel like a completely different person now than I was 2 and a half years ago. Here it is:
I am hurt, more hurt than I have ever been in my entire life but I am stuck in some sick, twisted game of "pretend"
Most of the time I put on my happy face and pretend like I am just fine. Nothing is bothering me. I am strong. I won't let infertility bring me down. The problem with that is it is very dishonest and unhealthy. There is no level of my being that is "ok" with my infertility. I can't wrap my head around the fact that my body is broken. Don't tell me it isn't broken, cause it is just that. Broken.
I would consider myself a fairly intelligent individual. I am intelligent enough to know that my friends do not want to see my "real" feelings and emotions about infertility all of the time. It is uncomfortable and even the ones that have stuck by me so far have probably had their moments of "I really wish we could talk about something else." They are completely entitled to that.
So...I pretend when they are around and then fall apart when they leave. Leaving my husband to pick up my pieces.
It is kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If I show my true feelings and emotions about infertility, I lose friends, make people uncomfortable, and ultimately alienate myself from almost everyone I know in real life.
If I pretend to be ok, I am lying to myself, shaming myself and not handling the situation in a very healthy manner.
There has to be some sort of happy medium right? I mean GOOD friends are supposed to be there for me when I am down. But at what point do friends get a "clearance" card to back away and not feel bad about it because they just can't handle being around me (and my infertility) anymore?
On a lighter note I am feeling smiley happy and Kate tagged everyone to play this little game...so here is my Google results with smileys to make it a little more fun:
Nichole needs: all the prayer she can get (yeah no kidding. Is that the Lord telling me something or what?
Nichole needs: to get hooked on some Twinkies (that is the LAST thing I need to do!)
Nichole needs: to get over to Flckr and start posting some random pictures.
Nichole needs: to gain some weight ( I assume they are most definately talking about Nicole Richie and NOT ME!)
Nichole needs: a loving family that can be patient with her
Nichole needs: a spanking! (I SWEAR google said this. I did NOT make this up, although not a bad idea!)
Nichole needs: more help than any of us! (Hmmm you may have a point there)
Nichole needs: to maintain contact with her younger sister.
Nichole needs: to get outta the house
Nichole needs: to RIP (mmmm gonna leave that one alone.
Hope you enjoyed my "needs" Have a great one!
I have often wondered why Infertility has changed every aspect of my life. Why I have lost so many friends because of it, why I feel like a completely different person now than I was 2 and a half years ago. Here it is:
I am hurt, more hurt than I have ever been in my entire life but I am stuck in some sick, twisted game of "pretend"
Most of the time I put on my happy face and pretend like I am just fine. Nothing is bothering me. I am strong. I won't let infertility bring me down. The problem with that is it is very dishonest and unhealthy. There is no level of my being that is "ok" with my infertility. I can't wrap my head around the fact that my body is broken. Don't tell me it isn't broken, cause it is just that. Broken.
I would consider myself a fairly intelligent individual. I am intelligent enough to know that my friends do not want to see my "real" feelings and emotions about infertility all of the time. It is uncomfortable and even the ones that have stuck by me so far have probably had their moments of "I really wish we could talk about something else." They are completely entitled to that.
So...I pretend when they are around and then fall apart when they leave. Leaving my husband to pick up my pieces.
It is kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. If I show my true feelings and emotions about infertility, I lose friends, make people uncomfortable, and ultimately alienate myself from almost everyone I know in real life.
If I pretend to be ok, I am lying to myself, shaming myself and not handling the situation in a very healthy manner.
There has to be some sort of happy medium right? I mean GOOD friends are supposed to be there for me when I am down. But at what point do friends get a "clearance" card to back away and not feel bad about it because they just can't handle being around me (and my infertility) anymore?
On a lighter note I am feeling smiley happy and Kate tagged everyone to play this little game...so here is my Google results with smileys to make it a little more fun:
Nichole needs: all the prayer she can get (yeah no kidding. Is that the Lord telling me something or what?
Nichole needs: to get hooked on some Twinkies (that is the LAST thing I need to do!)
Nichole needs: to get over to Flckr and start posting some random pictures.
Nichole needs: to gain some weight ( I assume they are most definately talking about Nicole Richie and NOT ME!)
Nichole needs: a loving family that can be patient with her
Nichole needs: a spanking! (I SWEAR google said this. I did NOT make this up, although not a bad idea!)
Nichole needs: more help than any of us! (Hmmm you may have a point there)
Nichole needs: to maintain contact with her younger sister.
Nichole needs: to get outta the house
Nichole needs: to RIP (mmmm gonna leave that one alone.
Hope you enjoyed my "needs" Have a great one!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Vacation Time!
Only a few more days and I will be in Kansas with my family. I am thrilled! My parents are farmers and this is the first time Pace will have been able to be a part of wheat harvest. He has never been involved with anything like this before and I can't wait to see what he thinks of life on the farm.
Going home is a great vacation. It is wonderful to get away from home, but it is always wonderful to go back. I have a lot of history there. My parents raised all 6 of us kids in the same house my Grandparents built and raised my father and his brothers and sisters. You just don't find that kind of history in a house very often anymore.
Plus, I get to travel with my sister, my niece and nephew. My niece and I (she is 13) have become increasingly close over the last couple of years. It is an awesome experience to know that I am somebody she can come talk to/hang out with. I can't wait to see all of my other nieces and nephews. I haven't seen them since Christmas, and I won't see them this coming Christmas, so it will be a while before I am able to see them all again.
On the baby front, I am having a pretty good week actually. I have made myself take the time to appreciate the fact that we don't have kids right now. I think Pace and I are going to do more traveling. Take more trips do things now that we won't be able to do when we have kids. I suppose it is just a way to "make it ok" for now. There is nothing we can do right now on the baby front, so we are just going to make the best of what we have gotten.
Over the weekend, Pace and I caught wind that some very dear friends of his have been speaking unkindly behind our back about the whole infertility stuff. I don't have details on exactly what was said, and I didn't hear them say it first hand, but it hurts nonetheless. I have no doubt that these people begrudge us for our decision to have kids right now. They don't understand, and the fact is, they never will. Most of our friends already have kids or don't ever want to have kids, so their perspective is much different than Pace and I's.
It is saddening to see our "friend circle" diminish quickly before our eyes, but at the same time, it is uplifting and a relief. I have come to a very clear understanding recently that it is not about the quantity of friends you have but the quality of those you do have. So I am completely ok with not having many friends, as long as those that I do have are QUALITY friends.
I am not sure if friendships were harder as a teenager, or as an adult...but right now they are proving to be very difficult. It seems that the good friends I do have are either moving out of state or 30 years older than Pace and I. (which is not a bad thing, but we just don't always have that much in common with them)
On a lighter note...here are the hair pictures I promised. I think I really like being a brunette. I have always been a blonde, and my family hasn't seen me with brown hair, so it will be interesting to see what they think this weekend.
Going home is a great vacation. It is wonderful to get away from home, but it is always wonderful to go back. I have a lot of history there. My parents raised all 6 of us kids in the same house my Grandparents built and raised my father and his brothers and sisters. You just don't find that kind of history in a house very often anymore.
Plus, I get to travel with my sister, my niece and nephew. My niece and I (she is 13) have become increasingly close over the last couple of years. It is an awesome experience to know that I am somebody she can come talk to/hang out with. I can't wait to see all of my other nieces and nephews. I haven't seen them since Christmas, and I won't see them this coming Christmas, so it will be a while before I am able to see them all again.
On the baby front, I am having a pretty good week actually. I have made myself take the time to appreciate the fact that we don't have kids right now. I think Pace and I are going to do more traveling. Take more trips do things now that we won't be able to do when we have kids. I suppose it is just a way to "make it ok" for now. There is nothing we can do right now on the baby front, so we are just going to make the best of what we have gotten.
Over the weekend, Pace and I caught wind that some very dear friends of his have been speaking unkindly behind our back about the whole infertility stuff. I don't have details on exactly what was said, and I didn't hear them say it first hand, but it hurts nonetheless. I have no doubt that these people begrudge us for our decision to have kids right now. They don't understand, and the fact is, they never will. Most of our friends already have kids or don't ever want to have kids, so their perspective is much different than Pace and I's.
It is saddening to see our "friend circle" diminish quickly before our eyes, but at the same time, it is uplifting and a relief. I have come to a very clear understanding recently that it is not about the quantity of friends you have but the quality of those you do have. So I am completely ok with not having many friends, as long as those that I do have are QUALITY friends.
I am not sure if friendships were harder as a teenager, or as an adult...but right now they are proving to be very difficult. It seems that the good friends I do have are either moving out of state or 30 years older than Pace and I. (which is not a bad thing, but we just don't always have that much in common with them)
On a lighter note...here are the hair pictures I promised. I think I really like being a brunette. I have always been a blonde, and my family hasn't seen me with brown hair, so it will be interesting to see what they think this weekend.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Snarky Poo Smearing
I went on a women's retreat this weekend. Ok. It was actually a lot of working and not so much "retreating" It was nice being out with women, but exhausting as well. I really missed Pace. He is my best friend and he knows me on a level that no one else does. When I am not around him, I miss him terribly!
Yesterday we had my mother in law, (and sister in law), our friend James and his son over for a BBQ and some swimming. It was really fun. I actually got in the water with the kids and really enjoyed myself. I was the "retreat" I had been looking forward too all weekend.
I love my mother in law. Really I do. But if I have to sit and listen to her complain about how tough it is being a mom and how little patience she has with her daughter, and how her daughter is driving her absolutely crazy, I think I am going to have to throw up. I know that parenting is hard, especially single parenting and I really do admire all the sacrifices she has made for her daughter, but I really get tired of hearing all of the complaining. I got a little snarky with her yesterday which I should probably apologize for, but I really don't feel too convicted by it. She asked for it. She was talking to my husband and she made the comment "You have no idea about parenting, you don't know about kids." To which I replied quite snarkily "You know what honey, she is right, we know nothing. Maybe someday we will have a clue, but right now we are complete idiots when it comes to kids." She apologized for her comment.
I know, a little overboard, but you just have to understand the relationship dynamics and the family structure. She was not at all trying to be rude, but I wanted to make it a point that I did not appreciate her comment. I think I accomplished that.
We are losing more friends due to IF. To be honest with you. I don't give a shit. I am so sick and tired of reaching out to people, helping them out when they need help, letting them live with us for free and then when we need them the most, they smear poop in our face. I don't like poop in my face. Yet, since I was a young girl, I have consistently allowed people to smear poop in my face. Not anymore. It really is quite simple. You smear poop in my face...you choose to be Eighty-sixed from my life. Period. I don't have time for your poo.
One more reason for me wanting to move out of state. I just want to start over in a place where we know absolutely nobody. People here suck. Smug-fertiles suck. Infertility sucks. and my attitude sucks.
Yesterday we had my mother in law, (and sister in law), our friend James and his son over for a BBQ and some swimming. It was really fun. I actually got in the water with the kids and really enjoyed myself. I was the "retreat" I had been looking forward too all weekend.
I love my mother in law. Really I do. But if I have to sit and listen to her complain about how tough it is being a mom and how little patience she has with her daughter, and how her daughter is driving her absolutely crazy, I think I am going to have to throw up. I know that parenting is hard, especially single parenting and I really do admire all the sacrifices she has made for her daughter, but I really get tired of hearing all of the complaining. I got a little snarky with her yesterday which I should probably apologize for, but I really don't feel too convicted by it. She asked for it. She was talking to my husband and she made the comment "You have no idea about parenting, you don't know about kids." To which I replied quite snarkily "You know what honey, she is right, we know nothing. Maybe someday we will have a clue, but right now we are complete idiots when it comes to kids." She apologized for her comment.
I know, a little overboard, but you just have to understand the relationship dynamics and the family structure. She was not at all trying to be rude, but I wanted to make it a point that I did not appreciate her comment. I think I accomplished that.
We are losing more friends due to IF. To be honest with you. I don't give a shit. I am so sick and tired of reaching out to people, helping them out when they need help, letting them live with us for free and then when we need them the most, they smear poop in our face. I don't like poop in my face. Yet, since I was a young girl, I have consistently allowed people to smear poop in my face. Not anymore. It really is quite simple. You smear poop in my face...you choose to be Eighty-sixed from my life. Period. I don't have time for your poo.
One more reason for me wanting to move out of state. I just want to start over in a place where we know absolutely nobody. People here suck. Smug-fertiles suck. Infertility sucks. and my attitude sucks.
Friday, June 15, 2007
New Hairdos and Tattoos
I guess you could call this a "pre" mid-life crisis cause I know myself well enough to know that the "BIG" mid-life crisis is looming in the distance ready to pounce.
Last night I had my hair done. I went brown ladies and gentlemen. I am a blonde by nature, but you know what...I just needed a change. So I am now a brunette with thick blond highlights. (I will post a picture soon, but I have to download my camera first) I love my new hairstyle. I have only been a brunette once before and that was in high school. I got a lot of compliments on it in high school, in fact, I am not sure why I ever went back to blonde. All well.
The second part of my "pre" mid life crisis is that I am contemplating a tattoo. Honestly, I have never been real fond of tattoos. I like them on other people, just not me. Well...maybe it is the anger and bitterness from infertility, but I feel it is time to get some ink.
I would love to have your opinion and input on what kind of tatoo to get. I definately want it to be based around infertility. Here are some ideas I have
*Lotus flower
*Dragonfly
*Goddess (Demeter)
*Kokopelli
*Turtle
*Rabbit**I really like the rabbit idea because that is my nickname from Pace too (long before we found out I have very few similarities to the rabbit) so I thought it would be cute, but I haven't found very many good pics of rabbits that I would want permanatly attached to my body.
So...I was thinking this. picture it. Nichole's lower back. 2007. A lily pad floating in crystal blue water with a beautiful sensual pixie sitting on it with a lotus flower holding her luxurious locks of hair out of her face. She holds a tiny rabbit in her hand and a dragonfly buzzes closely by.
Just a thought.
My family (mothers side) is Cherokee Indian, so I thought I would use a Cherokee fertility symbol, but again, I just haven't found anything I want to permanately attach to my body.
Please give me any suggestions you can think of. Pics, websites, etc.
I won't be blogging this weekend as I will be on a retreat for the Women's center I am a volunteer counselor at. I will be holding myself up in a posh Scottsdale resort all weekend.
Woo Woo!
Last night I had my hair done. I went brown ladies and gentlemen. I am a blonde by nature, but you know what...I just needed a change. So I am now a brunette with thick blond highlights. (I will post a picture soon, but I have to download my camera first) I love my new hairstyle. I have only been a brunette once before and that was in high school. I got a lot of compliments on it in high school, in fact, I am not sure why I ever went back to blonde. All well.
The second part of my "pre" mid life crisis is that I am contemplating a tattoo. Honestly, I have never been real fond of tattoos. I like them on other people, just not me. Well...maybe it is the anger and bitterness from infertility, but I feel it is time to get some ink.
I would love to have your opinion and input on what kind of tatoo to get. I definately want it to be based around infertility. Here are some ideas I have
*Lotus flower
*Dragonfly
*Goddess (Demeter)
*Kokopelli
*Turtle
*Rabbit**I really like the rabbit idea because that is my nickname from Pace too (long before we found out I have very few similarities to the rabbit) so I thought it would be cute, but I haven't found very many good pics of rabbits that I would want permanatly attached to my body.
So...I was thinking this. picture it. Nichole's lower back. 2007. A lily pad floating in crystal blue water with a beautiful sensual pixie sitting on it with a lotus flower holding her luxurious locks of hair out of her face. She holds a tiny rabbit in her hand and a dragonfly buzzes closely by.
Just a thought.
My family (mothers side) is Cherokee Indian, so I thought I would use a Cherokee fertility symbol, but again, I just haven't found anything I want to permanately attach to my body.
Please give me any suggestions you can think of. Pics, websites, etc.
I won't be blogging this weekend as I will be on a retreat for the Women's center I am a volunteer counselor at. I will be holding myself up in a posh Scottsdale resort all weekend.
Woo Woo!
Monday, June 11, 2007
Funky Monkey
There is no better way to describe my mood lately. Just. Funky.
I woke up Saturday morning a total basket case. Poor Pace. I don't know how he does it sometimes. He asked me to go to the bank to cash a check before the bank closed and I literally started bawling. Not just teared up...bawling. Sobbing. Snot all over my face. Gasping for air. (I'll show him, I bet he never asks me to go to the bank again) What the hell is wrong with me?
I guess I just felt totally and completely overwhelmed to the point where a simple, routine trip to the bank just sent me over the dang edge.
My mother in law has a two year old daughter. This pregnancy was not planned and was definitely a surprise to her, but I commend her for everything she does for her daughter. Most of the time, the fact that my 45 year old mother in law can accidently get pregnant doesn't bother me, but since my last failed cycle, it has been a very jagged pill for me to swallow. Let's face it...it is hard for me to be around anyone that is pregnant...planned or unplanned and is also hard for me to be around young children...planned or unplanned. This weekend I decided I wanted to spend some time with my little sister in law. What a mistake. Not a mistake as in I didn't enjoy myself, not a mistake as in I regret spending time with her. In fact, just the opposite. Spending time with her this weekend made me want my own biological children that much more!
I had been doing a fairly good job of convincing myself that a life without kids was much better than a life with kids. No poopy diapers, not having to find a babysitter, less expensive, more money to spend on toys, less responsibility, more room in the house, less expensive, less stressful, no sleepless nights, no temper tantrums, less expensive (can you tell I am a little obsessed with finances). Then I spent a day with my little two year old sister in law and all of that hard work and convincing was just washed away.
I totally fell in love and that void and sense of loss and anger came rushing back to me. The hugs she gave me, the kisses, the new words she is learning, her "help" dusting and folding clothes, the way she loves on my dogs, the singing songs in the car, the way she dances, the way her face lights up in the bathtub, all of those things and much more reminded me of how much I wanted one of my own. She reminded me of my failures, my insecurities, and my inability to procreate. Damn it!
After all of that (and some funky stomach bug accompanied by a fever) this weekend, I force myself out of bed this morning to go to work. At first I was very excited. The sky was overcast. It was only supposed to get up into the 90's today, good chance for some rain, the day was actually looking halfway decent.
I walk out my front door, the birds are chirping, the bees are peacefully buzzing around my yard, the lizards are happily scampering through the landscaping and then...
there she was...
...
...
Mrs. Eight months pregnant
...
walking right in front of my house
...
I tried to look away
...
I tried to ignore her
...
But then...
...
she said "Hello, good morning." in the sweetest, most sincere voice.
...
To which I wanted to reply with a rant of four letter, colorful obscenities and questions like "Why must you torture me? Can't you walk in front of my house AFTER I have left for work?
"Why must you be so nice and clearly make your presence known to me? Tons of people walk by my house every day to exercise, walk their dogs or take their kids on a bike ride....THEY don't talk to me. They don't even acknowledge my existence. Why can't you be like them. Ignore me. Pretend I am not here! Please I am begging you to STOP TORTURING ME!"
...
But I didn't. I simply said good morning, got in my car and cried for 10 minutes before pulling out of my driveway.
...
I finally manage to get to work and I am sharing my "funky stomach bug" symptoms with my friend (and co-worker - she knows EVERYTHING about our infertility) to which she replies "Oh...well did you take a pregnancy test? Cause that is exactly how I felt when I got pg."
...
To which I wanted to reply
"Thanks" I feel much better now. Please excuse me while I go cut myself."**
**Disclaimer: I do not cut myself. My use of the term was just a lame attempt at bitter sarcasm. Cutting is a very serious issue and if you or anyone you know are "cutters" please seek help (or have them seek help) immediately!
I woke up Saturday morning a total basket case. Poor Pace. I don't know how he does it sometimes. He asked me to go to the bank to cash a check before the bank closed and I literally started bawling. Not just teared up...bawling. Sobbing. Snot all over my face. Gasping for air. (I'll show him, I bet he never asks me to go to the bank again) What the hell is wrong with me?
I guess I just felt totally and completely overwhelmed to the point where a simple, routine trip to the bank just sent me over the dang edge.
My mother in law has a two year old daughter. This pregnancy was not planned and was definitely a surprise to her, but I commend her for everything she does for her daughter. Most of the time, the fact that my 45 year old mother in law can accidently get pregnant doesn't bother me, but since my last failed cycle, it has been a very jagged pill for me to swallow. Let's face it...it is hard for me to be around anyone that is pregnant...planned or unplanned and is also hard for me to be around young children...planned or unplanned. This weekend I decided I wanted to spend some time with my little sister in law. What a mistake. Not a mistake as in I didn't enjoy myself, not a mistake as in I regret spending time with her. In fact, just the opposite. Spending time with her this weekend made me want my own biological children that much more!
I had been doing a fairly good job of convincing myself that a life without kids was much better than a life with kids. No poopy diapers, not having to find a babysitter, less expensive, more money to spend on toys, less responsibility, more room in the house, less expensive, less stressful, no sleepless nights, no temper tantrums, less expensive (can you tell I am a little obsessed with finances). Then I spent a day with my little two year old sister in law and all of that hard work and convincing was just washed away.
I totally fell in love and that void and sense of loss and anger came rushing back to me. The hugs she gave me, the kisses, the new words she is learning, her "help" dusting and folding clothes, the way she loves on my dogs, the singing songs in the car, the way she dances, the way her face lights up in the bathtub, all of those things and much more reminded me of how much I wanted one of my own. She reminded me of my failures, my insecurities, and my inability to procreate. Damn it!
After all of that (and some funky stomach bug accompanied by a fever) this weekend, I force myself out of bed this morning to go to work. At first I was very excited. The sky was overcast. It was only supposed to get up into the 90's today, good chance for some rain, the day was actually looking halfway decent.
I walk out my front door, the birds are chirping, the bees are peacefully buzzing around my yard, the lizards are happily scampering through the landscaping and then...
there she was...
...
...
Mrs. Eight months pregnant
...
walking right in front of my house
...
I tried to look away
...
I tried to ignore her
...
But then...
...
she said "Hello, good morning." in the sweetest, most sincere voice.
...
To which I wanted to reply with a rant of four letter, colorful obscenities and questions like "Why must you torture me? Can't you walk in front of my house AFTER I have left for work?
"Why must you be so nice and clearly make your presence known to me? Tons of people walk by my house every day to exercise, walk their dogs or take their kids on a bike ride....THEY don't talk to me. They don't even acknowledge my existence. Why can't you be like them. Ignore me. Pretend I am not here! Please I am begging you to STOP TORTURING ME!"
...
But I didn't. I simply said good morning, got in my car and cried for 10 minutes before pulling out of my driveway.
...
I finally manage to get to work and I am sharing my "funky stomach bug" symptoms with my friend (and co-worker - she knows EVERYTHING about our infertility) to which she replies "Oh...well did you take a pregnancy test? Cause that is exactly how I felt when I got pg."
...
To which I wanted to reply
"Thanks" I feel much better now. Please excuse me while I go cut myself."**
**Disclaimer: I do not cut myself. My use of the term was just a lame attempt at bitter sarcasm. Cutting is a very serious issue and if you or anyone you know are "cutters" please seek help (or have them seek help) immediately!
Sunday, June 03, 2007
June...empty, yet uplifting
It has been strikingly odd the past couple of days. I haven't worried about when I need to start my meds, when (if) my period is going to start, what cycle day I am on, if we have enough money to do another cycle. Nothing. It is actually an empty yet uplifting experience.
I kept myself busy this weekend so I didn't have to think about my infertility and our upcoming decisions. (To the best of my ability anyway...I will explain more in a sec.) Saturday morning Pace and I went to the women's center where I volunteer and did some physical labor (Pace did most of the physical labor, I supervised) Then we had dinner with his mom, watched a movie and went to bed. We got up this morning, changed the oil in my car, cleaned and vacuumed the inside, same with Pace's truck, organized all of the papers (crap) in our office, did laundry, went to dinner and then to the movies.
While sitting at dinner, there was a young girl (roughly 22 or 23) with an infant. Maybe two or three weeks old. Broke my heart. Here she was enjoying an outing and I was angry about it. Then I got angry at myself for being angry about it.
I remember the good 'ole days when I saw a baby and smiled. I remember seeing a pregnant woman and thinking to myself how cute she looked with her baby belly and smiling at her. I remember walking down the baby isle in every store I went to in order to get ideas for my future children and having so much hope and joy in my heart. I remember anxiously awaiting the phone call from my sister to tell me that her and her husband were expecting. I remember the day when I couldn't wait for my friends to have babies so I could throw them baby showers, enjoy the pregnancy with her, buy things for her baby, babysit for her.
Now all I feel is...anger and sadness. I cringe when I have to go in public, I get angry at pregnant women, I cry when I see babies, I take every route possible at the store to avoid the baby isle, my heart stops briefly when my sister calls and I hate checking the mail for the fear that there may be a baby shower invitation looming inside the box.
Will this ever go away? Will I ever be able to be the happy, relatively non-bitter person I once was?
I don't know.
To close out a relatively great weekend...we saw Shrek the Third. Great movie. I have loved all of the Shrek movies. It has kid humor in it, but enough adult humor to keep it interesting for the adults as well. While sitting in the theatre, waiting for the previews to start Pace turned to me and said "We are the only adult couple here without kids."
Cue the tears.
I know what he meant. He was making an observation about how kid like we still are, and that he thinks it is cute and enjoys the fact that we can enjoy kid movies together. We love animated movies, we love cartoons. We love Shrek! But the way my mind interpreted it was "You are the only childless loser sitting in a theatre filled with beautiful families. You should have seen something else. Why would you go to a kid movie when you don't have kids, YOU DON"T BELONG HERE!"
Cue the panic attack. Heart racing, palms sweating, quickened breath.
I was able to talk myself down. We watch kid movies because we are kids at heart. We enjoy the humor, they aren't filled with cuss words and violence, and hey...we needed a laugh. Which is exactly what we got.
Aside from the almost constant reference to babies and pregnancy in the movie, it was great. If I wasn't going through this infertility crap, I would give it 5 stars, but, I am. I am a different person than I was even a year ago and I am finally coming to realize (and will accept someday) that I will never be that person again.
I kept myself busy this weekend so I didn't have to think about my infertility and our upcoming decisions. (To the best of my ability anyway...I will explain more in a sec.) Saturday morning Pace and I went to the women's center where I volunteer and did some physical labor (Pace did most of the physical labor, I supervised) Then we had dinner with his mom, watched a movie and went to bed. We got up this morning, changed the oil in my car, cleaned and vacuumed the inside, same with Pace's truck, organized all of the papers (crap) in our office, did laundry, went to dinner and then to the movies.
While sitting at dinner, there was a young girl (roughly 22 or 23) with an infant. Maybe two or three weeks old. Broke my heart. Here she was enjoying an outing and I was angry about it. Then I got angry at myself for being angry about it.
I remember the good 'ole days when I saw a baby and smiled. I remember seeing a pregnant woman and thinking to myself how cute she looked with her baby belly and smiling at her. I remember walking down the baby isle in every store I went to in order to get ideas for my future children and having so much hope and joy in my heart. I remember anxiously awaiting the phone call from my sister to tell me that her and her husband were expecting. I remember the day when I couldn't wait for my friends to have babies so I could throw them baby showers, enjoy the pregnancy with her, buy things for her baby, babysit for her.
Now all I feel is...anger and sadness. I cringe when I have to go in public, I get angry at pregnant women, I cry when I see babies, I take every route possible at the store to avoid the baby isle, my heart stops briefly when my sister calls and I hate checking the mail for the fear that there may be a baby shower invitation looming inside the box.
Will this ever go away? Will I ever be able to be the happy, relatively non-bitter person I once was?
I don't know.
To close out a relatively great weekend...we saw Shrek the Third. Great movie. I have loved all of the Shrek movies. It has kid humor in it, but enough adult humor to keep it interesting for the adults as well. While sitting in the theatre, waiting for the previews to start Pace turned to me and said "We are the only adult couple here without kids."
Cue the tears.
I know what he meant. He was making an observation about how kid like we still are, and that he thinks it is cute and enjoys the fact that we can enjoy kid movies together. We love animated movies, we love cartoons. We love Shrek! But the way my mind interpreted it was "You are the only childless loser sitting in a theatre filled with beautiful families. You should have seen something else. Why would you go to a kid movie when you don't have kids, YOU DON"T BELONG HERE!"
Cue the panic attack. Heart racing, palms sweating, quickened breath.
I was able to talk myself down. We watch kid movies because we are kids at heart. We enjoy the humor, they aren't filled with cuss words and violence, and hey...we needed a laugh. Which is exactly what we got.
Aside from the almost constant reference to babies and pregnancy in the movie, it was great. If I wasn't going through this infertility crap, I would give it 5 stars, but, I am. I am a different person than I was even a year ago and I am finally coming to realize (and will accept someday) that I will never be that person again.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
IVF and Adoption...that is what is left
It has taken me three days to write this blog. I have had more trouble writing this blog than any other blog I have written.
I had my follow up with my RE on Wednesday. Doesn't look good for me right now.
He told me it was too risky to move forward with IUI. There would probably be many more cancelled cycles either due to lack of follicle maturation or having too many mature follicles. (Finding the happy medium between the two is going to be very difficult) The risk of multiples (more than 2) is very high and I would probably be faced with multiple miscarriages. *Boy doesn't that sound cheery*
So, our options are adoption and IVF (InVitro Fertilization). One IVF alone costs $16,000. Granted, Dr. R said he feels very strongly that I would get multiple embryos (which we could freeze and use at a later date) which kind of softens the financial blow a little bit...but...$16,000!!!
It isn't just the money either. It is everything. I haven't been able to allow myself to mourn the last cancelled cycle as well as this news from Dr. R. I am sick of being sad! I am tired of being bitter. I went to the grocery store last night and every pregnant woman I saw, I made a face at. (not to her face, of course cowardly behind her back) Every pregnancy test commercial on TV I flip the bird to. It is childish, immature, and ridiculous but I don't know how else to handle this.
Every time I see previews for the movie "Knocked Up" I want to put my fist through a wall or throw up all over our 42" T.V. I don't want to watch T.V. because I am scared I will see a baby or pregnancy test commercial or birth control commercial. I don't want to go in public because I don't want to see pregnant women, newborn babies or just kids in general.
I just want to dig a tunnel to some deserted island and go there. By myself. So I can kick, scream, cry, throw my temper tantrum, cuss, bite, throw sand etc. I want to have a full on two year old's temper tantrum. I want to bang my head on the wall, stomp my feet, cry until there is snot covering my face, and hold my breath until I pass out.
Because I don't how to handle this. I don't know how to handle the sadness and depression I feel, I don't know how to handle the inadequacy I feel, I don't know how to handle the shame I feel, I don't know how to handle the anger I feel, I don't know how to handle my church and my *tested* faith, I don't know how to handle the fact that I don't feel like a woman. At all.
I have started doing research on both IVF and adoption. We will be attending an IVF orientation class either in late June or July. I have also contacted some local adoption agencies and have requested information packets from them. **sigh** Sometimes I wonder if all of this shit is worth it. I don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally.
I had my follow up with my RE on Wednesday. Doesn't look good for me right now.
He told me it was too risky to move forward with IUI. There would probably be many more cancelled cycles either due to lack of follicle maturation or having too many mature follicles. (Finding the happy medium between the two is going to be very difficult) The risk of multiples (more than 2) is very high and I would probably be faced with multiple miscarriages. *Boy doesn't that sound cheery*
So, our options are adoption and IVF (InVitro Fertilization). One IVF alone costs $16,000. Granted, Dr. R said he feels very strongly that I would get multiple embryos (which we could freeze and use at a later date) which kind of softens the financial blow a little bit...but...$16,000!!!
It isn't just the money either. It is everything. I haven't been able to allow myself to mourn the last cancelled cycle as well as this news from Dr. R. I am sick of being sad! I am tired of being bitter. I went to the grocery store last night and every pregnant woman I saw, I made a face at. (not to her face, of course cowardly behind her back) Every pregnancy test commercial on TV I flip the bird to. It is childish, immature, and ridiculous but I don't know how else to handle this.
Every time I see previews for the movie "Knocked Up" I want to put my fist through a wall or throw up all over our 42" T.V. I don't want to watch T.V. because I am scared I will see a baby or pregnancy test commercial or birth control commercial. I don't want to go in public because I don't want to see pregnant women, newborn babies or just kids in general.
I just want to dig a tunnel to some deserted island and go there. By myself. So I can kick, scream, cry, throw my temper tantrum, cuss, bite, throw sand etc. I want to have a full on two year old's temper tantrum. I want to bang my head on the wall, stomp my feet, cry until there is snot covering my face, and hold my breath until I pass out.
Because I don't how to handle this. I don't know how to handle the sadness and depression I feel, I don't know how to handle the inadequacy I feel, I don't know how to handle the shame I feel, I don't know how to handle the anger I feel, I don't know how to handle my church and my *tested* faith, I don't know how to handle the fact that I don't feel like a woman. At all.
I have started doing research on both IVF and adoption. We will be attending an IVF orientation class either in late June or July. I have also contacted some local adoption agencies and have requested information packets from them. **sigh** Sometimes I wonder if all of this shit is worth it. I don't know how much more of this I can handle emotionally.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I've been tagged...
First of all, I want to sincerely thank Melissa @ The Opposite of Knocked Up for tagging me. For giving me something to get all my mind off of this infertility crap!!! You, my dear are wonderful!
1.) I, like my friend Melissa, also have an anxiety disorder. If I try to call Mr. Clinger and he doesn't answer, I always think the worst. He was in a car accident, he got hurt at work, he is leaving me for someone else...you name it...it goes through my head. I do this constantly, multiple times a day. Last weekend I couldn't get a hold of my mom (she lives in Kansas) and I automatically thought that a tornado had gone through my family farm and destroyed my childhood home along with my parents, then I had to keep telling myself that if that was the case, I would already know about it. Someone would have called me. *Pretty sick huh?* I am finding that as I get older, this is actually getting worse. I freak out in large crowds (like baseball games, shopping malls) My heart starts racing, palms begin to sweat and my breathing becomes very rapid. It is ridiculous!
I absolutely HATE checking the mail! It seems every time I check the mail, it is just bad news. I actually have a tiny little panic attack each time I check the mail.
Same things goes for people knocking at my door (unless I am expecting someone) When my doorbell rings I panic. I even go as far as putting *no soliciting* signs on my door in an attempt to keep solicitors from ringing my doorbell sending me into a frenzy...they still ring the doorbell...assholes.
2.) When I am alone at home, I turn on music and sing and dance around like I am a famous artist at a concert. This started when I was in Junior High and I still enjoy it to this day. My common music choices are Britney Spears, Allison Krause, Alanis Morrisette, Jodi Masina and Jessica Simpson *I know...pathetic) (Although I don't do it very often since we have a roommate and she is always at our house)
3.) I still sleep with a stuffed teddy bear. I know, it is a little pathetic, but please revert back to number one and my anxiety disorder. I got this bear from my parents when I was very sick in the hospital. It is my security bear and for some odd reason snuggling up to my bear always makes me feel better.
4.) I am the youngest of six, my mom is the youngest of six and my father is the youngest of six. (Yeah, I am an infertile living in the land of the fertile) I always thought it was kind of cool that we were all the youngest of six.
5.) I love doing crafty things. I love to paint, scrapbook, sew, take pictures, build things you name it, I love crafts!!! In our previous house Mr. Clinger built me a special crafting bench and I had my very own craft room. I kick myself for not using it as much as I could have. Now that I don't have it, I miss it terribly! (Again this is something I don't do very often)
6.) I love changing my "image" I like to change the way I dress, my hair style (or color) the way I wear my makeup, the shoes I wear, you name it. I like to change things up.
7.) I am terrified of the water. I have never had a near drowning experience or anything, I just don't like the water. When I was younger, my family used to go canoeing down the Illinois river every Labor Day weekend. On one of these trips, the canoe I was in scraped on the rocks at the bottom of the river and I completely freaked out. I started screaming to my dad (who was in a different canoe across the river) "Save me daddy, save me!" To this day my family teases me about this. I haven't been in a canoe since. I also didn't learn how to swim under water until about 6 years ago when my niece and nephew (6 and 7 at the time) taught me how. (Very humbling experience) I live near Phoenix AZ and in the summer time everyone goes floating down the Salt River. I have never done this. I will never do this. No matter how much my husband or friends beg me to do this...I never will. You couldn't get me drunk enough to float down the river (where people drown every year) in a flimsy black rubber tube ! :-)
8.) I have this desire and passion to help women in need. Right now, as I struggle with infertility, I am a counselor for women who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Most of them are unmarried teenagers. (my youngest right now is 15) It tears me apart, sometimes leaves me emotionless and cold for days, but I just can't stop. I love being able to use my past and my experience to help other women even though sometimes it absolutely destroys me.
Emily @ Weber family, Dawn @ The life of a Miracle Baby and Kelly @ Do you have any kids? you have officially been tagged!
Rules: (The first) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. (The second) People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. (The third) At the end of your blog, you need to choose some folks to get tagged and list their names.
1.) I, like my friend Melissa, also have an anxiety disorder. If I try to call Mr. Clinger and he doesn't answer, I always think the worst. He was in a car accident, he got hurt at work, he is leaving me for someone else...you name it...it goes through my head. I do this constantly, multiple times a day. Last weekend I couldn't get a hold of my mom (she lives in Kansas) and I automatically thought that a tornado had gone through my family farm and destroyed my childhood home along with my parents, then I had to keep telling myself that if that was the case, I would already know about it. Someone would have called me. *Pretty sick huh?* I am finding that as I get older, this is actually getting worse. I freak out in large crowds (like baseball games, shopping malls) My heart starts racing, palms begin to sweat and my breathing becomes very rapid. It is ridiculous!
I absolutely HATE checking the mail! It seems every time I check the mail, it is just bad news. I actually have a tiny little panic attack each time I check the mail.
Same things goes for people knocking at my door (unless I am expecting someone) When my doorbell rings I panic. I even go as far as putting *no soliciting* signs on my door in an attempt to keep solicitors from ringing my doorbell sending me into a frenzy...they still ring the doorbell...assholes.
2.) When I am alone at home, I turn on music and sing and dance around like I am a famous artist at a concert. This started when I was in Junior High and I still enjoy it to this day. My common music choices are Britney Spears, Allison Krause, Alanis Morrisette, Jodi Masina and Jessica Simpson *I know...pathetic) (Although I don't do it very often since we have a roommate and she is always at our house)
3.) I still sleep with a stuffed teddy bear. I know, it is a little pathetic, but please revert back to number one and my anxiety disorder. I got this bear from my parents when I was very sick in the hospital. It is my security bear and for some odd reason snuggling up to my bear always makes me feel better.
4.) I am the youngest of six, my mom is the youngest of six and my father is the youngest of six. (Yeah, I am an infertile living in the land of the fertile) I always thought it was kind of cool that we were all the youngest of six.
5.) I love doing crafty things. I love to paint, scrapbook, sew, take pictures, build things you name it, I love crafts!!! In our previous house Mr. Clinger built me a special crafting bench and I had my very own craft room. I kick myself for not using it as much as I could have. Now that I don't have it, I miss it terribly! (Again this is something I don't do very often)
6.) I love changing my "image" I like to change the way I dress, my hair style (or color) the way I wear my makeup, the shoes I wear, you name it. I like to change things up.
7.) I am terrified of the water. I have never had a near drowning experience or anything, I just don't like the water. When I was younger, my family used to go canoeing down the Illinois river every Labor Day weekend. On one of these trips, the canoe I was in scraped on the rocks at the bottom of the river and I completely freaked out. I started screaming to my dad (who was in a different canoe across the river) "Save me daddy, save me!" To this day my family teases me about this. I haven't been in a canoe since. I also didn't learn how to swim under water until about 6 years ago when my niece and nephew (6 and 7 at the time) taught me how. (Very humbling experience) I live near Phoenix AZ and in the summer time everyone goes floating down the Salt River. I have never done this. I will never do this. No matter how much my husband or friends beg me to do this...I never will. You couldn't get me drunk enough to float down the river (where people drown every year) in a flimsy black rubber tube ! :-)
8.) I have this desire and passion to help women in need. Right now, as I struggle with infertility, I am a counselor for women who are dealing with an unplanned pregnancy. Most of them are unmarried teenagers. (my youngest right now is 15) It tears me apart, sometimes leaves me emotionless and cold for days, but I just can't stop. I love being able to use my past and my experience to help other women even though sometimes it absolutely destroys me.
Emily @ Weber family, Dawn @ The life of a Miracle Baby and Kelly @ Do you have any kids? you have officially been tagged!
Rules: (The first) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. (The second) People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. (The third) At the end of your blog, you need to choose some folks to get tagged and list their names.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I'm still here...physically anyway
Just wanted to check in. Don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but just in case...
yes. I.am.alive.
Barely it seems. I am still on a much needed (although much loathed) trying to conceive break. That's right. No shots. No hoo ha probing. No Exam Room 4.
Just me in all of my overweight, anovulatory, infertile glory.
I feel very isolated right now. For the last 4 years I have belonged to a "group" of some sort. When Pace and I got engaged I was the "bride" in the Wedding Planning group. I surrounded myself with women who were picking out there dresses, colors, ministers, music, etc. It was great to have that connection with other women.
When we first started trying to conceive, I belonged to this TTC (trying to conceive) group. A group of people who were traveling down the same road as I. Starting out on this amazing quest to become a mommy.
Then, when I was unable to become a mommy, I moved on to the TTTC (Trouble Trying to Conceive) group. Ahhhhh, I belonged again, I had a group I could call my own. Women who were facing the same struggles and adversity as I.
Now...I don't belong anywhere. Not in the wedding planning group, not in the TTC group, not in the TTTC group, not in the mommy group, nowhere.
I haven't been able to bring myself to go to church for the last 2 weeks. I used to love going to church. That was my pick-me-up for the week. That is where I felt alive, revived and in control of my life. Now I just feel guilty for not going, guilty for not wanting to go, guilty for not tithing and am just waiting for my punishment.
I think back to High School and college and am frighteningly aware of this cycle. This cycle I remember so well. I have been down this road so many times. For many different reasons, but so many times.
Depression.
She's back.
I really am miserable to be around right now. I pity those who have to be around me. I try to put on a happy face as much as possible, but inside I am just writhing in anger and frustration.
I'm smoking again. I lasted five months and then broke. I can't tell my family cause they would be so disappointed. (then probably tell me that smoking is probably the reason I can't have kids) I don't smoke a lot, one or two in the evening in my backyard with Pace. Just something to take the edge off. Something to make me feel like I belong somewhere. The best part about it is that Pace doesn't judge. He never has. Even after all of the times I have screwed up, after all of the emotional rants, the tears, the screaming, the yelling, he has never judged me. Just loved me and accepted me for who I am.
I do have my dr. appt. tomorrow. I haven't really wanted to put in a lot of time or energy into creating a list of questions to ask. So...now that I have procrastinated that down to the last minute, I will have to do that tonight. Sit down and figure out what I should/need to ask, I have to dive back into that open wound and explore it, at least for a little while before I can cover it up with dirt again and pretend it isn't there.
So, I may not be blogging much, but I am reading your blogs, I am still here supporting and cheering on my fellow infertile myrtles who are vicariously carrying the TTC torch high and proud in my absence. Please know that I love each of you and am hoping and praying that this current cycle you are on will be THE ONE!
yes. I.am.alive.
Barely it seems. I am still on a much needed (although much loathed) trying to conceive break. That's right. No shots. No hoo ha probing. No Exam Room 4.
Just me in all of my overweight, anovulatory, infertile glory.
I feel very isolated right now. For the last 4 years I have belonged to a "group" of some sort. When Pace and I got engaged I was the "bride" in the Wedding Planning group. I surrounded myself with women who were picking out there dresses, colors, ministers, music, etc. It was great to have that connection with other women.
When we first started trying to conceive, I belonged to this TTC (trying to conceive) group. A group of people who were traveling down the same road as I. Starting out on this amazing quest to become a mommy.
Then, when I was unable to become a mommy, I moved on to the TTTC (Trouble Trying to Conceive) group. Ahhhhh, I belonged again, I had a group I could call my own. Women who were facing the same struggles and adversity as I.
Now...I don't belong anywhere. Not in the wedding planning group, not in the TTC group, not in the TTTC group, not in the mommy group, nowhere.
I haven't been able to bring myself to go to church for the last 2 weeks. I used to love going to church. That was my pick-me-up for the week. That is where I felt alive, revived and in control of my life. Now I just feel guilty for not going, guilty for not wanting to go, guilty for not tithing and am just waiting for my punishment.
I think back to High School and college and am frighteningly aware of this cycle. This cycle I remember so well. I have been down this road so many times. For many different reasons, but so many times.
Depression.
She's back.
I really am miserable to be around right now. I pity those who have to be around me. I try to put on a happy face as much as possible, but inside I am just writhing in anger and frustration.
I'm smoking again. I lasted five months and then broke. I can't tell my family cause they would be so disappointed. (then probably tell me that smoking is probably the reason I can't have kids) I don't smoke a lot, one or two in the evening in my backyard with Pace. Just something to take the edge off. Something to make me feel like I belong somewhere. The best part about it is that Pace doesn't judge. He never has. Even after all of the times I have screwed up, after all of the emotional rants, the tears, the screaming, the yelling, he has never judged me. Just loved me and accepted me for who I am.
I do have my dr. appt. tomorrow. I haven't really wanted to put in a lot of time or energy into creating a list of questions to ask. So...now that I have procrastinated that down to the last minute, I will have to do that tonight. Sit down and figure out what I should/need to ask, I have to dive back into that open wound and explore it, at least for a little while before I can cover it up with dirt again and pretend it isn't there.
So, I may not be blogging much, but I am reading your blogs, I am still here supporting and cheering on my fellow infertile myrtles who are vicariously carrying the TTC torch high and proud in my absence. Please know that I love each of you and am hoping and praying that this current cycle you are on will be THE ONE!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Boats and Europe
I haven't posted in a while just cause I haven't been in the mood. I probably won't be posting much over the next couple of months. We have a dr. appt on the 30th to meet with our actual RE (not a nurse) the REAL dr. Hopefully at that time we can figure out what/if anything we will do with future cycles.
I am hoping he doesn't say IVF. There is no way we could afford it.
The more I think about it, the more I think maybe we should just live childless. Save the money, tour Europe, buy a boat, a new truck, some jet skis, a cabin in the mountains.
Hmmmmm. Doesn't quite seem right does it? I always had this vision of buying a little quad or little dirt bike for our son so that he and Pace could go out and Pace could teach him how to ride. nope...all of those toys just wouldn't be the same without kids to enjoy them with.
Except the trip to Europe. That would be perfect without kids!
I am hoping he doesn't say IVF. There is no way we could afford it.
The more I think about it, the more I think maybe we should just live childless. Save the money, tour Europe, buy a boat, a new truck, some jet skis, a cabin in the mountains.
Hmmmmm. Doesn't quite seem right does it? I always had this vision of buying a little quad or little dirt bike for our son so that he and Pace could go out and Pace could teach him how to ride. nope...all of those toys just wouldn't be the same without kids to enjoy them with.
Except the trip to Europe. That would be perfect without kids!
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