Impossible to Please

I decided this morning as I was getting ready for work that I am impossible to please. (and my husband would probably agree)

Last cycle, I had quite a few of the common symptoms with Clo.mid. Being extremely tired, had sore, swollen ovaries, headaches, sore bb's, EXTREME mood swings, etc. So of course I was totally dreading having to take it again this month especially since I was doubling the dose.

I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. He answered. I have had almost zero symptoms. I am a little edgy and I was really tired on Friday and Saturday, however other than that...I have had no symptoms. Seriously...none. (I am sure I am jinxing myself right now, but I just had to share)

So now, I am questioning if the Clo.mid is working since I don't have any symptoms. I chose to not do u/s monitoring with Clo.mid for multiple reasons 1) cost 2) emotional stress 3) cost etc. So I was unhappy when I had symptoms because it made me feel like a zombie monster and now I am disappointed that I don't have symptoms cause it makes me feel like it isn't working. (You know, it is like the shampoo test...if it doesn't have lots of suds, then it isn't working).

I had a very relaxing weekend. I started a new book that my friend J bought me for my birthday. It is written by Stephenie Meyer and is titled "Twilight." It was an awesome book! It is like a 500 page book and I read it all between Saturday and Sunday. I highly recommend it, it is a fun, easy read that is so hard to put down!

I had a very nice anonymous comment from someone on my last post. To you, the anonymous blogger...I send my deepest thanks. It was very heartfelt and genuine and I really want to send you my thanks. I hope that you never have to go through what I and so many others are going through. Thank you for your kind words and support!

I have had a couple of people ask me what some of the terms I use in my blog mean, so I am going to list a few of them here:

DH - Dear Husband
BFP - Big Fat Positive! (haven't used this one yet...but hopefully soon!)
BFN - Big Fat Negative - used this way too often
IUI - Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
CD - Cycle Day (Day 1 is the first day of your period)
DPO - Days past ovulation (start counting the day after you get a + OPT
AF - Aunt Flow (period)
BB's - Breasts
IF - Infertility
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
OPT - Ovulation Prediction Test
OPK - Ovulation Prediction Kit
PG - pregnant or pregnancy

I can't think of any others...but if there is anything I write that you don't know or understand...don't hesitate to ask. I guess after 3 and a half years, I just rattle these things off and forget that not everyone speaks IF language. Sorry!

Rockin and Rollin

I have had the most amazing week with my husband. Sometimes we just go through these spurts of not really enjoying each other's company. It's not that we don't love each other or anything, we just go through times where we don't really talk that much, and we don't spend a whole lot of time together. This week however, I feel so close to him.

Last night we sat outside on our porch watching the beautiful monsoon storms and talking and talking and talking. We were outside hanging out and visiting for three hours. We laughed, I cried, we laughed some more, it was awesome! Every night this week we have spent real quality time together. We swam together, went out for drinks...just really enjoyed each other.

I love him and have SO enjoyed spending this quality time with him. Tomorrow is our massage, dinner and a movie night. This is definately a great start to this cycle!

I started Clo.mid last night. 100mg. I have felt pretty good today, no side effects. So far...So good.

My weight has been bothering me again lately. I saw pictures my friend T took at my birthday party last weekend and also some other pics from a friend the other day and they just really bothered me. The last six months I have been really confident and felt really good about my weight loss. However, now I think I am over it. I need to lose more, I want to lose more. I just wish it was as easy to lose as it was to gain! Grrrrr

Wow Wow Wow

I logged on today and realized that

1. I have been a rotten blogging friend. I have not been good at keeping up with my fellow IF bloggers
2. I need to change my age in my description to "27"
3. The last post I posted was my 100th post.

So in honor of the three statements above...I am turning over a new leaf. I am going to be a better blogging friend which includes not leaving people out there hanging during my 2WW. I am going to change my age...reluctantly I will admit, but I will do it. And....HAPPY 100TH POST TO ME!!!

There, now I can move on to other business.

I am feeling much better today. Pace and I had a great visit last night about our future steps. We decided to give Clo.mid at least a couple more months...then we will go a couple of months with no treatment and then either begin pursuing adoption or go back to my RE.

Tonight though...we are going to crack a bottle of champagne and hang out in the pool. Just the two of us. I start Clo.mid tomorrow so I kind of want to just enjoy tonight.

For our aniversary (In February) I bought us a gift certificate for a relaxation couples massage. Well...I finally called today and scheduled it for this coming Saturday. We are going to do a nice couples massage and then do dinner and a movie. Just a romantic evening for the two of us. Yeah! I can't wait.

So Sorry...

I am so sorry I have not updated. Seriously I thought I was going to have to check myself into a white padded rubber room. I am not sure if I can blame it on the Clo.mid or the overall hormone stuff or what, but I have been extremely emotional and moody. I can't wait to actually feel like myself again!

I tested on 12DPO cause I am a glutton for punishment. negative

I tested on 14 DPO. negative

I was devastated once again. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for this cycle...my period started on it's own, I ovulated...I really am grateful, but I just so wanted this to be the month for us!

On a positive note, my friend T came in from Texas on Friday. It was so good to see her! We caught up for a few hours and then the three of us (Pace, T and myself) went out to watch fireworks. We got back to the house kind of late, so we all crashed out.

Saturday was the day of my birthday party. It was so much fun! Not too many people came, but the ones that did had a great time. We rented a karaoke machine and it was a huge HIT! We swam for a while and then sang even longer. Many incriminating photos and videos were taken and fun was had by all.

On Sunday Pace, T, myself and a couple of friends went tubing down the Salt River. This is a huge thing to do here in AZ, however I am not a fan of wild water at all. I have heard some horror stories about the parties and the nudity and such and was actually pretty nervous about the whole event, but I went. I can now say that I am glad I went...but will never go again. It was ok, but it was really hot, there were WAY too many stupid drunk people and I smashed my arse into a huge rock in the rapids that has left a huge purpley, green bruise on my right butt cheek.

We got home from the river and I had to take my friend T back to her in-laws. It was so sad, I didn't want her to go. She and her hubby will be here in Oct. for her husband's R&R and I can't wait to see them again! I so wish they would hurry up and move here already. Hopefully once her hubby gets back from Iraq the will move here.

As soon as I got home from dropping T off...AF rang the doorbell. That's right folks...two months in a row she has come on her own. A fricken miracle!

I am currently on Day 3 and will start 100mg of Clo.mid in 2 days. I am NOT looking forward to another Clo.mid cycle and am not happy at all that I have to take it again. Pace said he has already rented the straight jacket and is ready...I wish I was as ready as he is.

Again, I really apologize for being MIA but I was totally obsessing and literally going crazy over the whole 2WW thing. I am really going to try not to do that this month. It so isn't worth it and I just miss feeling like myself again!

Thanks for those of you that checked up on me! You guys are the best and are totally the reason I had enough nerve to post a new blog today! I will fill you in on how 100 mg of Clo.mid treats me in a few days.

1 DPO

Yep...you read that right. I am officially 1 DPO. According to my dr. I was supposed to stop taking OPT's on Tuesday, but for some reason I just kept taking them. Last night, TOTALLY unexpectedly...TWO LINES SHOWED UP! And the test line was DARKER than the control line!

I was totally taken back. I was totally shaking! I showed Pace the test and then... for the first time we had to do some Baby Dancing on demand. LOL

I am so bummed that I now I have to wait 2 weeks to take a pg test and that the date I am supposed to test is 2 days before my birthday party. But...what are you going to do?

I am just so excited that my body FINALLY seems to be doing something right!

And...I couldn't ask for a better birthday present!

Clo.mid...you are a tricky drug!

OK...I know I haven't updated but to be honest I don't know what to say without sounding like a rambling idiot.

I finished my Clo.mid on June 6th. By that time I was VERY uncomfortable. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode any second and I was so tired I could barely function. I was emotional and overall just a mess. So, per my dr.'s orders I began taking OPK's on June 7th, the day after my last Clo.mid.

It was positive.

At first I got really excited...it had actually worked! and worked well! My ovaries were not near as swollen or uncomfortable, so it must be true! I was so excited!...then all the years of pessisimism (thank you infertility) kicked in and I started telling myself that there is no way it worked that fast and that well. Something must be wrong. So I got on Dr. Google and my fears were confirmed. "Clomid can cause false postives on OPK's if OPK is taken within a few days of the last dose of Clomid."

Well, my OPK was positive the day after my last Clomid. So...I HAVE NO IDEA! I continued taking OPK's and haven't gotten another positive yet. So it has been a week and a half of going back and forth...was it a true positive....or a false positive?

Did I really "O"?

It couldn't have worked...

yes it could have...

why couldn't it have worked?...

Because I have been trying for 3 and a half years damn it...that's why.

Psssst....it could have been a true positive...

Arghhhhhh

So...I have decided to treat that positive as a "true" positive AND continue taking OPK's just in case. So...if that was a true positive, I am officially 11DPO (days past ovulation).

I am REALLY trying not to "make up" symptoms, but my body is really tricky! I have had cramps the last couple of days, and am fighting a headache today (which I rarely get). So here I am looking into these symptoms when they probably aren't symptoms, thinking that maybe they are symptoms and I just can't wait for Saturday to be here so I can test.

But...

At the same time I don't want Saturday to come...ever. I am so scared to test. What if it is negative? I am not prepared to deal with another negative test. I am not prepared to tell my husband that another month has failed, I am not prepared to tell my friends and family that another cycle failed. I am not prepared to tell my husband that we will have to spend MORE money on IF.

I am just unprepared
and my head is splitting
and I am so nervous!

Please Lord, let this be the month, let this be the month that you bless us with a baby.

Day 4

So I am still exhausted. Seriously! Pace went out with some friends last night to watch the basketball game. I was supposed to go but my glands are so swollen (as are my ovaries) and I was just too tired. So I opted to stay home. So I went to the store, bought chocolate ice cream and two celebrity magazines and headed home.

I put on my pj's, curled up on the couch and didn't move the rest of the night.

Today I am still exhausted, I am looking forward to relaxing in my pool catching some rays this weekend. Not a care in the world.

Tonight is my last Clo.mid. Then it is time to start POAS (Peeing on a stick) to look for the big "O". Which reminds me that I need to go to the store to pick up some sticks for my O kit.

I am not being monitored by a dr. right now (as far as going in for ultrasounds) I was jut directed to take the pills and look for "O". Which is good since I have another $1500 to pay until my deductible is met and these dr. bills are KILLING me!

Holy Hormones!

Yeah, some of the symptoms have hit. The biggest one though is TIREDNESS! I just can't get enough sleep. I am exhausted morning, noon and night. I thought at the beginning of the week that I was just tired from the weekend, but it hasn't gotten any better. Only worse.

I don't remember tiredness being a side effect, but so far that is the main one I have had and for the time being I am going to blame it on the Clo.mid. I can feel my ovaries swelling, so the Clo.mid must be doing something down there.

I have only had one crying spell so far. I totally broke down last night when I came home and the house smelled like cigarette smoke. (I know, I know) Poor Pace, I am sure he is thinking that when I do get pg this is what he is going to have to deal with and may be having second thoughts. :-)

He was good though, I had to leave the house for a while to try and compose myself which backfired because it just made me cry more and made me more tired. When I got back home Pace just held me and let me cry which is exactly what I needed.

I am also still fighting strep throat. I was feeling really good for a couple of days, but then yesterday my left tonsil blew up and hurt like h-e-double hockey sticks. I am so tired of having a sore throat! I have a few more days on my antibiotics and if something doesn't change quickly...I will be back at the dr. Which I am sure will result in a tonsilectomy. Grrrrr

We Started!

So, I took my very first Clo.mid last night. I didn't sleep very well last night, but I don't think that was related to the Clo.mid, I think it was due to my crazy, hectic weekend.

Saturday morning Pace and I went to pick up the pavers for our backyard, fire pit project. We have excavated 100 square feet of our hard clay soil and have spread paver sand for the foundation of our fire pit. Granted, we didn't get any of the pavers laid, but at least they are at my house.

Then Pace and I started getting ready for the Kenny Chesney concert. And by getting ready I mean drinking and freshening up. (Don't worry my MIL drove us to the concert and picked us up) We had SO MUCH FUN! Oh my goodness, if you have any opportunity to go to this concert, YOU MUST! Keith Urban was my favorite, but Kenny was awesome as well, it was just such an awesome concert. It lasted 8 hours! It started at 3 and got over at like 11:30 pm! Fun was had by all and I will post pics when I get them downloaded.

Then on Sunday my MIL, little sister, Pace and I hung out by the pool almost all day. I think we were in the pool by 10:00 am and I didn't get out until 3:00 pm. Needless to say, I am a little burnt and EXHAUSTED! I had so much fun, but am just exhausted!

So, I feel really tired, but I think that is just from trying to recover from the weekend, not the Clo.mid. I am REALLY hoping that I continue to NOT have any symptoms from the Clo.mid as I am already a pretty emotional person...I DON'T need anything to magnetize that! LOL

I'm Back

Ok...so I took a little blogging vacation. I had a very busy month, nothing really too new. I have strep throat again, not quite as bad as the last time, but still...I have it AGAIN. I see a tonsilectomy in my future.

Also...I started my period today. On my own. No Provera. For the first time in three and a half years...I actually cycled on my own. I don't know if I ovulated or not as I was not taking OV tests, but...I had a period nontheless.

WooHoo!

So...today is Day1 and as of right now, this very minute, we are going to do Clomid this month. But...considering recent history...I will not hold my breath.

I got thrown from the saddle, and broke my heart

OK, so there is A LOT for me to update you on just over the last week. So sit back, relax and enjoy my shitty week. This is by far the longest post I have ever written, but I needed to get all of this out.

Sunday: Pace and I had invited some friends, his mom and little sister (E) who is almost 3 to our house to swim and have a BBQ. Everything was going great, the weather was great, the pool temperature was great, it was a wonderfully relaxing Sunday afternoon. Now, we have a pool slide on our pool. It is absolutely hideous and we had plans to remove it, however this would require repairs to the pool decking etc. So we decided to keep it in until we had the money to do the necessary repairs. Here is a pic of our pool slide:

So we were all having a grand time sliding down the slide, we decided that it was so much fun that we were going to keep the slide. It is a BLAST!

Even E was going down the slide! She had two little arm floaties on and a ring floaty around her waste, so as soon as she hit the water she just bobbed up and down, her hair didn't even get wet. It was so much fun watching her excited face as she came down the slide. Then...tragedy struck. E fell off of the stairs to the pool slide. I had just gone down the slide and was at the opposite end of the pool getting ready to get out when I looked over just in time to see her fall. The worst part: She didn't scream. In fact she didn't move at all. She was unconscious. My MIL was right by her side as I ran into the house to have Pace call 911. Of course keep in mind that I had just jumped out of the pool, so I was soaking wet. Needless to say, as soon as I ran off the cool deck onto the concrete patio, my feet went out from under me and I smashed my head into the concrete. I was able to get up and scream to Pace to call 911. I got back over to where E was lying and she started whimpering a little and then eventually started crying. She sat up and grabbed onto her mom, but wouldn't open her eyes.

The EMT's got there, said that all of her vitals were good, but that they were very concerned with her head injuries and the fact that she still wasn't opening her eyes. They air lifted her to a hospital in Phx, so off to the hospital we go. They did a CAT scan and said that she did have some swelling on the brain, but no more than what they expected to see, however she did have a laceration on her liver from the fall. (I had never heard of this, but I googled it and sure enough, this is a very common injury in children that experience blunt force trauma). So they admitted her to ICU to stay overnight so that they could monitor her liver function. My MIL stayed with her at the hospital and Pace and I went home.

Monday: I went to work as usual. Of course I woke up with an awful headache and my body was extremely sore. My mind raced all day thinking of E. I watched her fall over and over and over in my head all day. But I hadn't cried. Which is very odd for me cause I cry at EVERYTHING! I cry at commercials for pete's sake! So I started to get down on myself a little wondering why I hadn't cried or really showed any emotion at all. (I convinced myself that it was because I had bashed my head and wasn't thinking straight) After work, I got to my car to go home and I just completely fell apart. I was a blubbering mess by the time I got home. I just couldn't keep myself together.

I got home and I gathered my composure so Pace and I could go to the hospital to see E. We got there around 5:00 pm almost exactly 24 hours since the accident. She looked so pitiful. She was hooked up to 5 different machines and had 10 cords coming out from all around her. She was still a little loopy from the morphine drip, but she immediately reached out to Pace and I. She didn't say much, she was really tired, she was just really fussy and kept crying for her mom. They had her on an all liquid diet so they could monitor her liver function and one of the first things she said to us was "I want Donalds" (McDonalds of course) That made us all smile and we knew that under the sleepy little girl was our little rambunctious E. I prayed over her and she napped a little bit and then Pace and I drove home in silence.

I got a text from my MIL about 2 hours after we got home stating that they had moved E out of ICU and they removed all of her tubes and wires. She was able to move into her own room and walk down the hall to see the fishies.

Tuesday: I woke up to the arrival of AF. I was still taking my Provera and was not expecting her for a couple of days, but here she was, coming whenever she darn well pleases as usual. I was ok with that because I had a dr. appt on Wednesday, so the earlier AF got here, the sooner we could start my first Clomid cycle. I started to get excited. The time had finally come and we were actually going to do this!

I headed to work and got a text from my MIL stating that they were finally feeding E food. She was eating a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast! Then about noon I got another text stating that they were on their way home. I was so grateful and relieved that she was finally able to leave the hospital. I left work a little early and Pace and I headed over to MIL's apartment to see E. It was GREAT to see her moving around like she was. She was still a little sleepy, but you could tell she was feeling MUCH better. They released her from the hospital on "restricted activity" as they wanted to make sure she didn't jump around, fall and hurt her liver again. This meant that E was not able to go to daycare as they couldn't take on the responsibility for her until she was on full medical release.

E remembers very little about the accident, but she was sure to tell us that she DID NOT want to go back to the hospital! LOL

My MIL is a single mother and there was no way she could afford to stay home with E for the rest of the week, so I offered to use a couple of my vacation days to stay home with E Thursday and Friday.

Wednesday: I got to work feeling better than I had all week, I could finally tell that E was going to be just fine and I relaxed a bit. I headed off to have my ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts before we started our first Clomid cycle. I enter the OB/GYN's office and...of course...the waiting room is full of pg women. Not just pg women...VERY pg women! A dear friend of mine recently sent me the book "Conquering Infertility" so I kept my head low and just read, trying to ignore the pregnancy talk going on around me.

Going to the dr. is always an experience, but I think when you are dealing with IF, dr. appts are even MORE interesting. First of all, when you go in for an external ultrasound, you have to go with a full bladder. So I arrived with a full bladder and then there I sat in the waiting room with a full bladder. And I sat, and I sat and I sat. Just when I thought I was going to have to strangle someone just out of pure discomfort, my name was called.

I laid there patiently as the tech pushed on my bladder, took pictures, pushed a little more and then finally told me she was done and I could go to the bathroom. All was great with my ultrasound, no large cysts, so they sent me back to the waiting room to wait to see the dr. About 5 minutes later a young nurse called me back, and walked me into the room to meet the dr. As she was taking my blood pressure, she complimented me on my shirt and asked me where I got it. "Target" I replied. To which she responded with a story about how before she had her son, she couldn't buy clothes at Target cause she was a size 1, and they didn't carry sizes that small. "Oh how difficult that must have been for you." was my response. She didn't catch onto my witty sarcasm, must be an age gap thing. Then she asked the question that made me want to poke her in the eyes even more. "So, do you have any kids?"

Here is where I should have said "Do you know how to read? Did you even LOOK at my chart before you called me back? What an insensitive question from the place that is treating my Infertility." But, I didn't. I just replied "No" and quickly realized it was going to take me a while to get used to this again. To get used to the questions, the dr, the whole scenario.

She replied back to me stating that "Kids are a handful" "A handful of what?" I asked. Blank stare was returned and she excited the room. I smiled to myself and thought. "You dumb little twit. You have no idea why I am here, you didn't take the time to look at my chart and I really don't give a rats ass about your expanding waistline OR your ill behaved child.

The dr. came in, gave me the all clear to start Clomid and went over the protocol with me again. The excitement inside me raised. We were back on track. We were back in the game. I was no longer sitting on the bench, I was back in the saddle. I left with a hope and excitement that I hadn't felt in a long time. I left with a smile.

I went back to work and later that afternoon, Pace calls me to tell me that his company had approached him with the possibility of working in Hawaii. This would be a great opportunity for him and would also be a great excuse to visit Hawaii. However, they wanted him to go in a week and a half (aka right after I am done taking Clomid, aka most fertile period, aka during the time when I should be ovulating!) I could hear the desire in Pace's voice. His department has been really slow, and this was not only an opportunity to make some money, but also to gain experience in his industry. I explained to him that if he went to Hawaii, we would have to cancel our cycle, we couldn't move forward and my dr. appt. this morning was a waste of time. He said he understood that, but this work opportunity doesn't come along every day. So I told him that he should go. It broke my heart to say this, I was dying inside, but I was stuck between being an infertile woman facing another Mother's Day who desperately wants a child of her own and being a supportive wife and supporting my husband's career.

I told him that this was going to be very difficult on me and I needed some time and space to once again grieve a cancelled cycle. The wind was stripped out my sails and I felt utterly defeated.

Thursday: I woke up feeling depressed. Not just sad and tired. Depressed. I went to meet my MIL and picked up E. We had a great day together, we played barbies, we colored, we played dress up we had so much fun just being girls. Then Pace came home and my hurt and anger returned ten fold. I was so mad! I knew that he was coming home with details on his Hawaii trip and I wasn't sure I was ready to hear them. After E and MIL left, he laid it on me.

He said that Hawaii wasn't ready yet, that it would be at least an extra week or two, if it even panned out that he would go. I was relieved, I was so excited! This meant that we could move forward and continue on. Then he kept talking. Instead of going to Hawaii, his work was sending him to California for the week. He was leaving Monday (like as in 4 days) and would be back on Friday. I just didn't have it in me to discuss this anymore. The emotional roller coaster was just too much so I went to bed.

Friday: When I got up this morning, I woke up with a little more clarity and so when I talked to Pace, I told him that if he was just going to be gone this week, then we could move forward with our Clomid cycle, he would be back in town right before I stopped taking the Clomid. We could make this work. His response " I think we should just hold off this month, cause I don't know if I will be in Cali just this week, or if it will be a multiple week thing." Devastation. Again.

So here I am, I was thrown from the saddle, had the most stressful week of my life and I feel so let down and dismissed. Infertility SUCKS and I HATE that this is happening to us. Everyday the bitterness grows and if I have to watch one more commercial where the adorable little girl is making breakfast in bed for her mommy and her daddy brings mommy this beautiful diamond necklace, I think I might rip the TV off of the wall and throw it in our pool.

Back in the saddle

So, it is time. I am getting back in the saddle for the long, sweaty, unpredictable ride of another medicated cycle.

I went to my new dr. yesterday. She was really great! I told her all about our history and our desire to conceive and the first thing she asked me was if I had ever taken Clo mid. To which I responded "no" and expressed my dissatisfaction with our RE that we were seeing last year.

So after much discussion, she and I decided that we were going to try Clo mid. I go back to her on April 30th for an ultrasound to be sure that I have no cysts, and then...away we go. Even though Pace and I have been TTC since we got married, for some reason when we are seeking medical help (seeing and RE, taking drugs, Clo mid, etc.) just seems to add so much more stress to the whole situation. Last month seemed to go so easily. It was a little rough for me at the very end, but all in all, it wasn't a bad cycle. Now every time I think about having an u/s, taking Clo mid, doing ovulation prediction kits, my stomach curls up into a little tiny ball, my big toe goes numb and my heart skips a beat.

The worst part about all of this is that I will have just finished my first round of Clo mid when Mother's Day will be descending upon me. The dreaded holiday that I don't know if I will every be able to love again. In fact, infertility has really taken the "sparkle" off of all holidays. So, I will probably be a psychotic maniac mess for mothers day - consider yourself warned!

Please pray that Clo mid works, they will only let us do 6 months of this treatment, and I don't know what the next step will be after this.

I want to thank all of my lovely friends on the TTC board that continue to encourage and support even when I go MIA for a while. You ladies are the best and one of the main reasons I have made it through the last 3 years! Muah!

Leave the pieces

I heard this song this morning right after I woke up with cramps, realized that AF was here early this month and that once again, this month is a bust. So this song is my tribute to Infertility. It really hit home to me and rings true:

THE WRECKERS LYRICS

"Leave The Pieces"

You're not sure that you love me

But you're not sure enough to let me go

Baby it ain't fair you know

To just keep me hangin' 'round

You say you don't wanna hurt me

Don't want to see my tears

So why are you still standing here

Just watching me drown

[Chorus]

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine

Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine

Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say

You're gonna break my heart anyway

So just leave the pieces when you go

You can drag out the heartache

Baby you can make it quick

Really get it over with

And just let me move on

Don't concern yourself

With this mess you've left for me

I can clean it up, you see

Just as long as you're gone

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine

Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine

Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say

You're gonna break my heart anyway

So just leave the pieces when you go

You not making up your mind

Is killing me and wasting time

I need so much more than that

And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine

Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine

Just take your love and hit the road

There's nothing you can do or say

You're gonna break my heart anyway

So just leave the pieces when you go

Leave the pieces when you go

Oh, yeah

Leave the pieces when you go

I guess my dr. appt. will have to be rescheduled now...just one more delay.

Just when I started bragging...

I was doing SO good this month! I REALLY hadn't thought about being (or not being) pg that much. I wasn't sad, I wasn't angry and bitter, I didn't do ANY ovulation prediction tests, and I haven't taken 1 pg test...I was really making progress.

And then...

I broke...

It kind of started with my FIL's comment last night, but then just a few minutes ago, I crumbled. I just found out that Pace's ex is pg with her 2nd. It's kind of a strange situation, but Pace and his brother were dating sisters, his brother has 2 daughters (our nieces) with one of them and the one that Pace dated is now married and a mom. I instantly felt SO angry and bitter. I like his ex. She is a very sweet girl and trust me it is nothing personal between me and her. However this huge flood of emotion came over me and I couldn't help but think "If Pace had stayed with her, he would be a daddy right now. He would have someone to carry on his name and he would be able to be the father he has always wanted to be."

Mass hysteria and utter chaos is going on in my mind right now and I just had to write this down because I am at work right now and if I didn't get it out somehow, I would end up a sobbing mess here at my desk and my boss would look at me like I am a freak (again).

I GOT A QUAD!!!!

Yep ladies and gentlemen...I am oficially a member of the ATV riders association. I figured since Pace had a quad, I needed one too so we could go out riding together. Mine is a used one and it needs a little bit of work (minor cosmetic stuff) but it is going to be so much fun! I can't wait to take it out riding!

My father in law and his new wife (they just got married yesterday) are going to come visit us this weekend. I am excited to meet his wife and also to see him, it has been almost 2 years since we have seen him. It will be nice to hear what he has to say about our house and the life that Pace and I are building together.
FIL asked the dreaded question last night. Pace had told him that I had a surprise to show him when he got to our house (meaning the quad) however my FIL asked if it was a grandbaby. It broke my heart to have to hear my husband tell his dad "no." It was the first time this cycle that I got really sad about being infertile. I am actually having a good month for once! But it just made me so damn mad! Why can't I give my husband a child and our parents a grandchild? It just isn't fair!

Here is the big news: Back in Dec. I called to make an appt. for my "well woman" check. The EARLIEST my OB/GYN could get me in was MAY 9th! I was shocked, but it actually worked out great because that would be the 6 month point of doing the M.etf.ormin and Pro.vera combo. I figured that if we weren't pg by May 9th, then I could talk to the dr. about Clomid. So, my dr. called yesterday to tell me that they needed to RESCHEDULE my appt. because the dr. was going to be at a conference on May 9th. I flipped! They wanted to push my appt. back to May 30th, but in order to get in that early, I would have to go with a different dr.

I was so frustrated I told her not to even bother, I would call someone else and I was just going to have to change dr. I told her that if their schedule was that full, maybe they should stop taking new patients. I have been going to them for 5 years, and this is how I get treated!!! Probably cause I can't get pg, so to them I am only a spread 'em once a year paycheck instead of an intense 9 mo. pg with multiple appts. and delivery paycheck. I feel like they have just left me in the dust. They were the ones I went to first, right off at the beginning of my IF. Over 3 years ago, they were the first ones that I opened up to about my desire to have a child and my inability to do so. They were so kind and compassionate back then, but now they couldn't care less about me.

However, I called a different OB/GYN, the lady on the phone was VERY nice, I told her my issue with my current dr. and she said that they rarely book out more than 2 weeks in advance. She said she could get me in on MONDAY!!!! Yes, Monday, like in just a few days. When I told her that I was battling IF, she said "Oh, well I will set you up with Dr. K, she is excellent and has lots of information and experience with IF." I instantly felt better! Hopefully this will be a change for the best and my new dr. will GET ME PREGNANT!!!!!!

Humbled

I am very humbled by the responses I got from my last blog. It continues to amaze me how I have found friendships in people I have never met. I thank each and every one of you for you continued support! It is so comforting to know that there are people out there who have/are experiencing the pain of infertility...and are surviving. I know some of you have beat IF and have become biological parents, and some of you have not, but no matter where we are in our IF journey, we will forever be sisters in the sisterhood of IF.

I pray for each and every one of you!

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you for being such great friends and supporters for me!

Hello again,
I am not sure if anyone still reads this thing, but it is therapy for me, so I will continue to write when I need/want.

Pace and I have been very busy. We are now business partners in a recreation vehicle rental business. We rent quads, rhino's, rv's, dirt bikes and eventually we will do jet skis and boats as well. It is just something fun to do on the side right now. A way to meet people that enjoy riding like we do and a way to pay for the quad we just bought. The last couple of weeks have been so great because the new business has kept me so busy, I haven't had time to think about being pg. (or NOT being pg).

Spring is definately here, it is warming up outside which means our pool is warming up too. I tried on a bathing suit last weekend that I wore 2 years ago (barely) and haven't been able to squeeze into since. IT FIT!!! I was so excited! I now don't feel like I have to wear a moomoo to the pool I am still overweight, but I have lost 35 pounds and have held it off for 3 months. Ideally, I would like to loose an additional 25 pounds, but I am just going to take it easy and enjoy the 35 I have lost thus far.

I am anxiously awaiting my dr. appt. in May. I will hopefully get some information on Clomid and the cost associated with doing a Clomid cycle. I have a very dear friend who was going to start taking Clomid this month, however she was unable to cause AF is MIA. (no unfortunately she is not pg) So, she can't be the Clomid guinea pig. I hope she can be the guinea pig, before I have to be the guinea pig cause honestly, Clomid scares the poop out of me. I have heard some horror stories.

Anywho...that is the update on us for anyone who still reads this.

Not sure what to think

So I know I haven't blogged in a while. For multiple reasons.

Number one, I have been VERY busy. My parents were in town for a week which was wonderful! We were finally able to show off our house to them. I finally broke down and let Pace buy a quad. It is so much fun! Then Pace rolled the quad. No real damage to either of them, just a few scrapes and bruises.

Number Two: I have just been sad. I don't like to blog when I am sad because then I look back at what I wrote and think "God I sound like a pathetic whiny brat" so I refrain.

Last month (the 26th to be exact) marked 3 years of marriage and Trying To Conceive. A very bittersweet day for Pace and I. So, I have just been sad. I started taking Provera to bring on AF on our anniversary (ironic isn't it?).

This is nothing new for me, for the last 6 months I have taken Provera to bring on AF. Every month, I take it for 10 days and on day 11 AF is here in all of her glory. So imagine my surprise when I woke up on day 12 and AF still hadn't come. Of course my body goes into full "Hey lets trick her into thinking she is pregnant" mode. And mass chaos ensued. I became a manic, symptom seeking, moody, boob poking, frequently urinating idiot.

I still have no resolution. I have taken pg tests, all negative, but still no AF. I have no idea what my body is doing, but I figure either 1. I AM pregnant and it is just too early to tell via pg test. (After all my cycles are SO screwed up I have absolutely NO idea if/when I ovulate) or 2. Something else is wrong with my body and I am moving farther and farther away from actually conceiving.
*sigh*
Why can't my body just cooperate. Why do we have to play these silly little games? Am I pg or not? So silly! I have no idea what to think, but I have decided that maybe I should just give thinking up all together. That way, I won't over obsess, won't over analyze and make myself absolutely crazy.

And besides...men love women that don't think! It could be my own little anniversary present to Pace!


**Update** AF is here. This month is a bust and once again I have wasted 5 days of my life worrying and obsessing about this shit.

Insanity...

My mother always told me that the definition of insanity is:
the act of doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

This makes me think about my infertility. Every month we try for a baby. Every month I pee on a stick, I pop pills, I prop my hips, I hold my breath, I take my temp, I eat right, I exercise, I do all of these things in hopes for two lines. The same thing over and over again. But each month...I get the same thing. One line. No matter how many months I try...one line. I think I have oficially crossed over the threshold into insanity.

I actually had my hopes up last night. I was at my sisters and when I went to the bathroom...there was...pink. The very very lightest pink you ever saw ... and for a moment...I had hope...I thought to myself...implantation spotting! Implantation spotting! This could be it! Since I am still taking my Provera...I should NOT be having my period...so it just HAS to be implantation spotting.

I prayed my hardest, most enduring prayer and went to bed last night a little smug. I just KNEW that I was going to wake up in the morning, the spotting would be gone and I would start barfing my brains out and I would just start laughing and enjoy morning sickness.

However...

When I got up this morning, I saw red. Literally and Figuratively. There she was in all of her glory...Aunt Flow. I was ok at first, but then it hit me. I REALLY allowed myself to believe that there was a chance last night. I thought for a moment that maybe this was my shot. My time. I thought for an evening how nice it would be to not have to go through another season of Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day with nothing to show of our efforts to have a child for 3 years.

I thought for an evening that I had cheated the system, that I had gotten pg just under the wire of the dreaded 3 year mark. ... I thought.

Now I am just sad. I am angry at myself for even letting myself get my hopes up. After 35 months of trying to get pregnant and failing miserably... how could I let myself get all worked up over a little pink.

I am DEFINATELY losing my grasp at sanity.

Road Blocks

I humbly start this by saying that I am not trying to throw a pity party for myself (I have learned to not like throwing parties...the clean up afterwards is just too time consuming) However, this blog is simply a reflection on life in general.

Road Blocks...we have all hit them at one time or another, most of us, multiple times in our lives. I find myself asking...maybe I need to find a different road, cause the road I have been on for the last 26.5 years has been riddled with road blocks. I constantly find myself looking for detours and I always have one foot on the brake just waiting for the next road block to be around the corner.

I had a good childhood. I have two loving parents and the most amazing group of brothers and sisters. Really on the dysfunction scale I think we rate pretty close to the "normal" family. We have had our battles with addiction, poverty, wealth, trust, health etc., but I think most of the stuff we have been through, has been pretty typical for a large family. I had a traumatic event happen to me at a young age. An event that caused me to grow up way too fast, caused me much pain, grief, and overall quality of life for many years. However...I overcame that. I am now a better, stronger person because of it. I persevered and I conquered my "childhood trama".

All the time I was going through that trauma in my life, I kept telling myself...this is it Nichole...this is your horrible thing that will happen to you. You will grow from it and in the end benefit from it in some way. You will get over it, have a story to tell and the rest of your life will not be as traumatic. That childhood trauma was my red card. My penalty. My big hurdle in life.

I was wrong.

In 26 days, Pace and I will have been trying to conceive our first child for 3 years. In that time, many of my friends have had "oops" pregnancies, have had their babies and many of them are pregnant with their second baby. Britney Spears has had 2 children in this time. My mother in law has had a child in this time. My sister who was not even trying has had a child and is now trying again in this time. Too many celebrities to count have had kids during this time (many of them unplanned) and I have had...none. I have not gotten pregnant once.

Some days I have so much faith that it will happen and I just tell myself to be patient and I pray for my baby.

Some days I have so little faith and I just pray that God would take away my desire to have children all together.

I know now that my childhood trauma was not my red card at all. Infertility is. By far this has cost me more spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially than my childhood trauma ever did and it almost makes my childhood trauma seem obsolete. Maybe that is the point. All pain heals with time, but the pain if infertility only gets stronger as time goes on.

My first wedding anniversary I was just starting to see doctors and the fear had just set in that we may not have a baby of our own. My second wedding anniversary I was in the midst of my first IUI cycle and I had so much hope for that treatment to work. As I near my third wedding anniversary, I just feel helpless. I feel that nothing I will or can do will ever make me have a baby. My hope is diminishing as my pain is increasing.

My period never came on it's own...I am still on the Provera. My weight loss is not coming as easy as it was and sticking to my diet is even harder. My bitterness is slowly creeping back in and my willingness to fight it is shrinking.

I feel like I need to get a break soon or I will hit my breaking point. It makes me wonder what my breaking point will be. Will I ever be able to get to the point where I don't care? Will I ever get to the point that I will be "ok" with never carrying my own child, or with never being able to look at my child and see Pace and I's resemblance? Will I ever be able to accept that as my fate and my destiny? And if so...how long will it take?

I read the bible verse "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." This verse makes me feel like a total Christian hypocrite. I don't feel this way right now. I do feel that the Lord is my shepherd, however there is something that I want...desperately and I don't feel like I am beside quite waters, I feel like I am standing on the edge of Niagra's Fall.

I know that I picked the road less traveled many years ago...now I know why that road is less traveled....to many Road Blocks.

Tyra...I pray for you...only cause Jesus told me I should.

OK...you can ask Pace...I am an Americas Next Top Model junkie. I watch reruns over and over again. I watch the Tyra Banks show when I can as well. However, never again will she appear on my TV. Not after this. I ran across this from a fellow infertile blogger. Apparently Tyra wants to do a show on infertility. Here is their description of the show:

DO YOU KNOW A WOMAN OBSESSED WITH BECOMING PREGNANT?
Do you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom? Have you seen and heard her struggle for years, felt her unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand? Have you watched silently for too long as she gets her hopes up only to be disappointed and heartbroken when she can’t conceive? Has she tried extreme methods and spent a lot of money to get pregnant with no luck? Do you want to finally tell her she needs to stop the emotional and physical stress on her body and seriously consider adoption or a surrogate alternative? If you know a woman who is obsessed with becoming a mom and getting pregnant, then SUBMIT BELOW.
Please do not submit unless you are willing to appear on “The Tyra Banks Show".

And then here is my response to Tyra:

I am appalled and embarrassed at the description of the show on women trying to become a mom. I am one of those women who have struggled for 3 years now to look into my child's eye and see the reflection of my husband and I. No one has the right to tell a woman that she needs to "give up" on her dream of carrying a child in her belly. Each woman must make that decision for herself when she is ready. You have no idea the pain and anguish women facing infertility go through and the description of your show shows ignorance and insensitivity on the subject of infertility. You are going to feed the American people full of crap and stigmas that those of us struggling with infertility already struggle to overcome on a daily basis. I would expect as a woman and a voice for the American people that you would educate Americans on infertility and reduce some of the stigmas instead of add to them. Do you really think we don't face people telling us to give up on a daily basis? I used to be a fan of yours, however, I am very disappointed and will no longer watch your shows. Any of them!

Ok - so this response will do no good, no one will read it, it certainly won't get Tyra's attention, but it made me feel better.

Overall, I am feeling ok. Yesterday was the first day I didn't feel like I was going to upchuck all over myself. Yep...wonderful side effect of the Met.formin. The nausea gave me a little taste of what it COULD be like IF I EVERY get pregnant. Ha!

Anyway...I am praying for Tyra and that she may stop being ignorant and that she try to educate America on infertility, the emotional pain, the physical reasoning behind it and the various types of treatment. Amen.

I am a pill popping junkie

OK, so not REALLY, but actually...yeah, really. I got a call back from my dr. and he wants me to take the provera for another 3 months and double my dose of Met.formin. I am ok with that as long as the Met doesn't make me feel sick, at this point I will take all the pills in the world if it would mean I could close out 2008 with a baby.

I have a good feeling about this though. I really feel like my turn might be coming. For once I REALLY feel some hope. I am not sure why, I really have no scientific reason to think I would get pregnant anytime soon, but...I do. In fact, I am so confident I have started taking prenatal vitamins again. I haven't been taken prenatal vitamins for eight months. I guess I just gave up hope and decided that I shoudn't even waste my time or my money taking prenatal vitamins

However...

I started taking them last night, that is right...another pill - so here is my pill schedule.

Wake up: Take thyroid meds

One hour later: met.formin

One hour before dinner: thyroid

with dinner: met.formin

one hour after dinner: prenatal vitamin

bedtime: provera

Whew....see...I told you I was a pill popping junkie...the first step is admitting it.

Happy Freakin New Year!

Well, here we are 2008, Next month is our official 3 year mark of trying to have a child. I am not sure how I feel about it. Bitter and angry of course, but as the years go on, I feel more numb than anything. I have a very dear friend who is suffering from Recurrent Miscarriages and now recently AF has gone missing. She is such a wonderful person and is going to be a great mom, I just don't understand why this seems to happen to the good people.

I am sure there are not so good people out there that are infertile, but maybe it is just cause they don't care that they are infertile. They don't want to have kids, so in a way for them it is a blessing.

AF still hasn't shown and I haven't called my dr. I am not sure why, on one hand I want a baby SO bad, but on the other side, I am SO tired of going to doctors, trying new meds, new diets, new shots, new tests, more dr. appt, second opinions, more research, and on and on and on. It just gets so overwhelming. But, I am going to make the call. Today. I will call today and find out what the hell we are supposed to do now.

I requested a financial statement from our RE. I am not sure how I am going to be able to handle seeing all on one page HOW MUCH MONEY we spent on IUI's this year. I am terrified to look at it, but I know I need to see if we can write it off on our taxes this year. Maybe I will just keep it sealed until I have to give it to my tax man and let him open it up.

The last couple of months have been a little easier for me cause we have been so busy with the house. We are having a housewarming party at the end of the month and I can't wait to show all of our friends our new home. I am rambling...I know. I think that is just how I am getting through life right now, just keeping myself busy and just ramble from one thing to the next so that I don't think of how old our child should be had we been able to get pg right away.

Oye...Calgon take me away!

First it was Jessica Alba

then it was Lily Allen

and now...Jamie Lynn Spears @ 16 years old!!!

Grrrrr!

These stupid famous women having unplanned pregnancies. what great role models. I hope Jaime Lynn does get fired from Nickelodeon. Kids today already have enough delinquent role models...do they really need any more.

Damn Fertile Myrtles!!!

Yes...I am bitter. I am hurt, confused, pissed and bitter.

Pics...as promised

Ok...well I am still here, still waiting on AF. Stupid winch.

Anyway...here are a couple before and afters. Hope you enjoy!

Here is main hall looking out from the kitchen...BEFORE

Here it is AFTER

I will add more before and afters. I need to take some of the kitchen after I finish a few more touches, but this gives you an idea.

UPDATE....

She cancelled. I shouldn't be surprised. I don't know why after an entire year of not communicating she all of a sudden wants to make contact, but then when I do respond to her and schedule something, she cancels. It feels like a slap in the face. She said "I will call you on Saturday to set up another time to meet." It is Monday now and I still haven't heard from her. Some people never change. I am done trying with her, the ball is in her court.

As the holidays grow closer, it makes me sad. I miss my parents and the snow and it actually FEELING like Christmas outside. Christmas just isn't the same here in Arizona. I miss my family traditions like spending an entire Saturday listening to Christmas music with my mom while we decorate the house. I miss baking cookies and goodies with my mom, putting plates together and delivering them to our neighbors.

I wish Pace and I had kids so we could start our own family traditions and so I could carry on some of my family's traditions. I just can't imagine being able to celebrate Christmas morning with our own child and how amazing that will be. Being able to see the Spirit of Christmas through the eyes of a child. To be able to teach them about Baby Jesus and why we celebrate Christmas. Only in my most amazing dreams!

Friendships and houses

The boxes are unpacked, the air fresheners are up and the house is actually starting to look like our house. I absolutely love our house. I love coming home, I love just sitting and staring at the walls, the floors, the cabinets...everything. I love being in the front yard, I love being in the backyard, I love being in every room of the house!!!

OK...that is enough love...

AF still hasn't shown up. I am not really sure what I am supposed to do if she decides not to come this month. I guess I will call my dr. at the beginning of the year if she isn't here.

I have some new stuff going on in the "friend" department. I have been hanging out with this really cool chick I will call her "J". She has suffered through 3 miscarriages in the last 3 years and I must say it is wonderfully amazing to have a friend in real life that suffers from infertility as well. ..Well...she isn't infertile, she has no problem GETTING pregnant, she just hasn't been able to HOLD a pregnancy yet. Anyway...she has been a great friend. We cry to each other, make each other laugh, vent our baby frustrations to each other and at the end of the day we know that we will wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.
I enjoy talking to her because she is very funny, sarcastic, smart and man does she know her politics!

I know I said I would post pics of the house, but I just haven't taken the time to download them to my computer yet. I promise I will get them to you soon.

Oh...another new thing in the friend department. If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you will remember the story about my friend from a year ago when we had a HUGE blowout regarding my infertility and her utter disrespect for my sensitivity to the subject. We haven't talked since that day, and tomorrow morning at 7:15 am I will be sitting across the table from her at Starbucks. I don't know why I continue to feel this desire to have a friendship with her. But I do, and apparently she does to. I am very nervous to see her. I really hope she is at least sensitive enough to not bring her son. Although I would love to see him, I just don't want to see him right now. So, I will fill you in on the conversation as soon as I can. Again, I have no idea what to expect or what will happen.

Life Choices

Wow! A lot has transpired in a week! Pace and I have moved into our new home and I don't know who loves it more...us or the dogs. It is so much fun to watch Lucky run around the backyard with the sense of freedom and carelessness.

The house is coming along. I will post pics soon. The flooring is done, the painting is done, the unpacking is...NOT. This has been the hardest move for us for some reason. I think we are just putting more pride into where things are going, how things look than we did before in the rental homes. I don't know, I just can't explain it.

On the TTC side...we are just waiting. This is my first month without taking Progesterone to bring on AF. We will see if she shows or not. I would really prefer that she NOT show, and a positive pregnancy test show up instead. What an amazing Christmas present that would be! I can't even imagine.

There is a possible adoption thing in the works. I don't really want to divulge any details right now just because there is so many things that are unknown surrounding this situation and I don't know if Pace and I are even ready to move forward with that right now. We would be adopting a brother & sister combo - the mother does not want them separated. The girl is 9 and the boy is 10 months. Please just pray for us as we do some serious soul searching and praying to determine what the Lord has planned for these two children and Pace and I.

Thank you!

Home Ownership

I have officially owned a home for 2 and a half days and here is what I know so far...

1. Dealing with plumbing sucks. No matter how new the fixtures are...they will leak if you breathe on them incorrectly.

2. Garage doors can be a nightmare. Don't try to save money and scrimp on the garage door. Just replace the damn motor and be done with it already.

3. Very special people were placed on this earth just to caulk...I am not one of them.

4. My husband has many talents and abilities...woodworking is not one of them. This is where the caulking gun comes in.

5. People rarely follow through with what they say...especially in the service industry.

6. Pneumatic tools ROCK! I LOVE BRAD NAILERS!!!!!

7. Travertine floors are BEAUTIFUL!

Update...Update...Read all about it!!!

First of all...I know it has been WAY too long since I have blogged. I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging in suspense of my strep ridden tonsils!

Shortly after I healed from strep throat, we found THE house. The perfect house for Pace and I. So ever since then, we have been frantically running around like chickens with our heads cut off dealing with mortgage brokers, real estate agents, title companies, etc. We FINALLY closed today and I feel like I have a little bit of breathing room. We are so excited to finally have a place of our own. A place we can REALLY call home. We are going over to the house tonight to do a little bit of work, drink champagne and just soak in our new house.

Tomorrow the fun begins. The flooring guys will arrive at 8:00 am to start tearing out the hideous pink and blue tile from the house and start laying the beautiful new Travertine floors. That will take about a week and then the new carpet will go in. Right after the carpet is in, the painters will come in, put a fresh coat of paint on the place and bam....we can move our stuff in. It is going to be a crazy hectic next couple of weeks, but it is all worth it. The best part...it has a pool, so in the summer time, we can lounge in our very own swimming pool. Plus our pool can't be seen by any of our neighbors and there are no houses behind ours, so our backyard is totally private. (Except for big brother in outer space) :-)

As for the baby making thing....I have lost weight - almost 20 pounds. I am still taking the Progesterone to bring on my periods but this month is the last month for that, so we will see what my body does in December. I had a follow up appt. with the doc a couple of weeks ago and he said that my thyroid levels were absolutely perfect. They couldn't have asked for better results. He was very optimistic that my cycles would return on their own and we MAY be able to get pregnant within the next 6 months. I am not going to hold my breath and thankfully this new house thing is keeping me occupied and my mind off of babies. Well...except for the fact that I am going through the second phase of friends having kids. That's right folks...we made it through the first phase childless and now we are entering the second stage where the previous mentioned children are now at least 1 and their moms are pregnant with #2 now. Delightful.

Since the holidays are here, I am getting a break from the Women's Center which is a good and much needed thing. Although I love volunteering there, sometimes it is just more than I can handle. The last couple of weeks I have had many hard cases and I am just ready for some time off.

I was in a wedding last weekend. I was the bridesmaid for a girl I had never even met. Huh? you say??? Well, Pace and I are very good friends with her now husband (Jared) but Jared has been in the army for the last 2 years, so we hadn't been able to meet this girl (Tiffany) he had met while away at the army. They got engaged, she asked me to be in the wedding and let me tell you...it is GREAT to have GREAT friends! Tiffany is a wonderful person from a wonderful family. She lives in Texas and that is where the wedding was. I must say to all you Texans out there...You sure know how to be hospitable! I had such a great time in Texas, I was not ready to come back to AZ! Here is my shout out to Jared and Tiffany ... I love you guys and hope that you have a wonderful, healthy and long life together! Tiffany, it was so great to meet you and I really look forward to a wonderful friendship for the next 80 years or so!

That is my update for now everyone! Thank you all for continuing to check up on my blog even though I haven't blogged for so long!

Smooches!

Strep throat no more...

Yep..I am back amongst the living. Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am feeling MUCH better now and actually feel like I might live to see another day.

So...I have been on my new meds and my new diet for almost 3 weeks now. Guess what?....I have lost 8 lbs and one inch off my waste. I can't remember the last time I put on a pair of pants that USED to be tight on me and...they actually FIT!!! Now that I don't have strep throat anymore, I will be returning to the gym with Pace so hopefully the results will come even quicker from here on out.

I just really hope this works, that my cycles return to normal and we can actually have some hope at conceiving in 2008. I just can't imagine not being able to carry my own child in my womb.

Pace and I are actively looking for a house to buy now. We saw 5 houses on Saturday - only 2 remain on the "maybe" list. Neither one of them have just jumped out and grabbed me. Thankfully we have some time. We will begin the communication with our mortgage broker later on this week and then the real stress kicks in...Money talk!

Pace and I have been going to some marriage classes at our Church for the last month and yesterday the lesson was on confession and forgiveness. I think it is really what I needed to hear. Through this whole infertility mess, I have been hurt so many times by friends, family members etc. Sometimes I spoke up, sometimes I just let it slide, never the less, I was still hurt and I still carry that hurt with me. I am really feeling the need to forgive my friend (whom I haven't spoken to in almost a year) that totally crushed me, was totally unsupportive, insensitive and blatantly mean to me. I don't know if we could ever be friends again, but I know that I need to forgive her. I need to get rid of that emotional junk so that I can be healthy.

Anyway...that is my update for now. I hope you all are doing well!